Long Time, No See | Life Updates – Mental Health, Aging, School, Etc.

so empty, yet so full

Hello children.

It’s been forever since I last talked, since I last posted. I’m sorry, but here’s why.


I Aged

On the 8th of July, I became older. It feels no different, but it feels very different. It feels weird. I’m now 15, halfway to 30. It feels no different, I am not a different person than I was on the 7th of July, but it’s very different. I’m one year away from being able to drive, three from finishing high school. It all feels very surreal and weird. And yet nothing has changed. I’m the same person I’ve always been, have the same sort of tastes, same issues, same everything, and yet, everything feels so different, so NEW, so weird, and I don’t know why that is. But yes, I turned 15.

I Struggled to Form Words

I’ve always had this issue with my confidence in blogging and forming correct and proper words and sentences to fill the pages of this blog, and it became a little bit harder. It became harder to like the content I was writing, making to put out to the world. Even though it was really not that bad, it was really quite good. But I didn’t like it. I still don’t. But I’m posting it none-the-less. I’m posting the works I’m unsure about, because I’m sick of the 147 drafts in my wordpress drafts folder. I’m sick of not being able to post and form the words I so like. I don’t like this piece of work, but I’m still going to post it, because it needs to be done.

I Went Downhill

In my mental health, that is. Everything got boring, sad, empty. I couldn’t do the things I once enjoyed. Everything turned dark, everything I’d once enjoyed. My art, my writing, it all had underlying suicidal tones. I became more anxious, anxiety attacks became more regular, my sleeping became worse, I stopped taking care of myself. Of my body, my brain. I became bored, the muscle cramps became worse, my music became softer, sadder. It all turned into a mess. My art became art, my schoolwork lowered in standard, I became sick. Sick of myself, of the world, of the people I so love. I began snapping at the people who are always there for me, my friends, the people I consider to be my family. I stopped posting on Instagram, taking pictures, blogging. I stopped bullet journalling, then writing, then journalling – taking notes on my day in the evenings, talking and then finally, drawing. I stopped everything. Stopped taking photos to post on my Instagram, talking to the online friends I’d once communicated with daily, even the friends I knew in reality, I stopped talking to. I hid myself in my mind, pulled back from everything, shrouded myself in sarcasm and my phone. Hid myself away from the world. I stopped going to my counselling sessions, started lying more to people. Lying about what I’d eaten, how I was, how much I slept. I told people I’d slept well when I hadn’t slept at all, told people I was full of energy when all I wanted to do was sleep. I slept at the weirdest moments, fell asleep at school, during breaks, when I got home. It was all for no reason. People asked me how I was doing and I said I was good when really, I didn’t know. I felt calm, but panicky, full of emotion, but empty. I felt sad unless I was with few calming people who made me happy.

I stopped doing everything. I lied. I pretended to be alright, when really, I didn’t know how I was. I’d put a pencil to paper and no words would flow, although the voices in my head were telling me what to write. No thoughts could be put into sentences that made any amount of sense. I paid less attention to the lyrics of songs, just listening to the same four songs on repeat. Sad songs, empty songs, soft songs. Not the fun, happy rock anymore, the slow, sad indie now. I hyper-fixated more than ever. I tidied a closet for six hours, taking everything out and putting it all back again, until it was perfect, not stopping once. Ignoring the people who made me smile, made me laugh. I pretended they weren’t there. And focused on this. Until it was done, until it as perfect. And yet, I couldn’t do that with homework. With reading. I couldn’t do that for any more than 10 minutes without being bored and having my brain give up.

My schoolwork was pushed back, my English and Social Studies grades dropped, fell to low marks from the heightened marks I’d worked so hard to reach. My art work began to be forgotten, the work I’d once done so well on left behind, falling with the rest of things. My fashion work became less focused, fell again. The lines, once so perfect, became messy and fast, done in 15 minutes, rather than the required 3 hours. It all became forgotten. Maths became more of a focus, something I spent hours at a time on, numbers became a calming force. The pages in maths textbooks suddenly filled with numbers, scrawled everywhere in pinks and blues and blacks. And yet, when it came to the test, nothing made sense. The graphing lines were confusing, the words floated around the page. It wasn’t the numbers. The numbers made sense. The words didn’t. The words flew about, became as though a spider had crawled across the page, legs covered in black ink. The letters couldn’t form the words I knew they once had. Nothing made sense. Nothing but the equations. Science became a hobby, yet a bore. The class notes had already been taken, the electricity became boring, repetitive. The out of class conversations became interesting, the old notes and definitions became fun. The formulas became second nature. Yet nothing was fun. It was all boring. All known already.

It all became scary. A deep hole of work, words, confusion. Things not understood, not followed. Because I had differing thoughts to others. I read further into the lines than believed, didn’t use methods the teachers enjoyed. It became confusing. It became upsetting, unbearable.

It’s still like that. Boring, slow. It’s the things I cannot remember. I cannot remember things that happened just yesterday. But I can remember things that happened four years ago. School’s over for the next week, but then everything comes back. And nothing can be correctly understood. But I’ll cope. I’ll remember.

I’ll go back to the counselling. Try to sleep. Stop listening to the voices. I’ll paste the words onto the paper, even when they make not an ounce of sense. I’ll draw the girls I once did. Go back to the books currently laying forgotten on the shelves. I’ll leave the sugar addiction in the past, eat the proper foods. The music will stay the same, calm and quiet, soft and slow. The hyper-fixation will continue. Because those things hurt to stop. The anxiety is too hard to slow. The anger spasms should be able to be stopped. Eventually. With help. With work. Maybe one day there will be no more anger spasms, no more tears shed in futile attempts to sleep at 3AM. Maybe. One day. Not now though.

I’ll pick up the bullet journal, now lost under piles of work. Collect a new one. Find new pens, remove the dead and dying. Forget. Renew everything, start a new. Try again. I’ll collect the empty packets of sour lollies littered about the room, throw them out. I’ll pick up the pens, textbooks, visual diaries and try again. Take as much time as needed to collect the words, form the spider mess into sentences, no matter how much time it takes. Try until the grades are picked up from their current low places.

I’ll start again. Try again. Pick all the issues up. Write them in the journals, capture them in everlasting memories, pin them up, draw them. Capture and create memories. Leave the past where it is now, stop dwelling on the things that scare me.

Maybe that’s ambitious. Too ambitious. But it’s a goal. A dream. A hope. It’s something I can aim towards. I can shoot towards. And maybe not reach, but try to reach. I have the ability to try it until I reach it. Or I’ll give up, set new goals. Try again. I don’t know. It’s worth a try.

My Physical State Became Messy

I became sick. My chest became rattly, they put me on medication. I took x-rays, had blood drawn. I missed a week of school, didn’t get out of bed. Ate nothing but fruit without throwing up for a week and a half. Everything became forgotten. I slept for 20 hours a day, but still woke up tired. I began feeling dizzy, woozy, as if I were about to pass out. I was constantly on medication. I wasn’t alright. But then it got better. I began to be able to walk around without wanting to faint. I started eating real food again. Not have to sleep all day. The medication started working, the x-rays came back clear. I felt better. Became better. Everything went back to its old ways. Everything was normal once again.

I stopped running about a year ago. I stopped workouts about two months ago. My physical state, physical well being became equal with my mental. My weight began fluctuating. My skin became a mess, as did my hair. Everything became forgotten. I didn’t look after myself. I began wearing the same clothes over and over and over. Hoodies and leggings. Day in, day out. My bedroom became messy, and then clean. The processes fell into misery, mayhem, mess. They became repetitive. They still are. Still are like that.

But they’re being picked up. I’ll go for a run, work out again. Wash my face, eat better. I’ll change from the clothes I’m habitually pulling on. Clear up the clutter from the floor. Remake the bed. Maybe. Hopefully. I’ll try.

I Gave Up

I gave up on everything I loved. The people, the creative outlets, the creatures. And yet, I continued to collect them. I found new friends, bought more stationery, collected more plants, found a new rabbit. And then I forgot about them. Gave up on them. Hid myself away with the same people I’ve always been with, left the pens in closed drawers, sat the plants on the windowsill, moved the rabbit from one cage to another. I gave up on the blogs, the lifestyle, the words and pictures. I gave up on the organisation I so loved, the stories the world so loved.

Now, it’s the time I pick that up. The time I choose between the friends, let the ones I can’t have the time for go, leave them to their own devices, fallen into the past, yet still there when they need me, leave them with the other friends they have, tell them I can’t hang with them, return to the people who have always been there. The time to pick up the pens and notebooks, fill them with the doodles and words and numbers that clutter my brain, cover the empty pages in colours, open them up to the thoughts and worlds that are hidden away. Maybe there’s nothing much to do with the plants, change their pots into nicer ones, find shelves, cover the walls with them, let them see the world from a different view. It’s time to give the rabbit more attention, let him sit with me at the desks I work, let him out into the open more often, find better food, more grass for him. Restart the other blog, pick up where I left off with this one. Find new content, new recipes, organisational skills, new poems, words, images. It’s time to forgive the things I’ve once forgotten. Time to start a new.


Now, it’s time to restart. Forgive myself for the things that I’ve never let myself forget. Start a new with everything I’ve always hated, always loved. It’s time to bring you on that journey with me. Enjoy the new.

emily xo

LIFE UPDATE BECAUSE ONE IS NECESSARY AT THIS POINT IN TIME | Emily Rambles About Nothing Useful

My dearest children, welcome. I have greatly missed you.

Anyway, it’s been a while. I suck very much at this blogging thing. Especially at the moment. I do apologise sincerely. I also hope you forgive me for being such a useless person. I really do. It’s also time to update you on what’s happening in my life and what I’ve been doing since I last blogged about my life. Lettuce begin.


Moving

We moved last Friday (29 March) and it’s been an absolute nightmare. We are living out of cardboard boxes (hundreds of them) and everything is a mess. The house is nice, but I miss the old one so much. We also do not have any internet yet as the company who is meant to be supplying it is messing up greatly (that is reason #1 that I haven’t been blogging in the past week).

School

The first term of the year is almost finished and so far it’s going well. I’m getting through everything and I don’t feel like I’m struggling too much. I got good marks in my first maths test of the year which I was super proud of and all my other marks so far seem to be reflecting that (just jinxed myself, didn’t I). Other that PE I’m doing well. PE isn’t going well and it’s the only class that I have actually got a fail mark in. Ever.
For art we’re just going into wearable art and I’m SUPER excited because my design is super fun and I’m loving making, designing and planning it. I’ll be posting about that on the other blog (when I get internet back), so go give that a follow if you want to keep up to date with that!
I’m really loving the classes I’m really loving the classes I’m taking this year and am looking forward to them for the rest of the year.

Friendships

I’ve actually managed to solidify myself a couple of stable friendships. And, y’all, I’m loving it. It’s amazing to have those people who you can relate to and rely on and that you just get along with. I’m having a lot more fun that I was about 6 weeks ago now. I’ve cut another couple of people from my friendships, but its all been for the best and I’m enjoying my life more now that they’re not in it. I’ve also managed to get myself a couple more friends who I don’t talk to all the time, but talk to every now and then, but when we talk, we have amazing conversations and SO MUCH FUN together.
All in all, I’m loving my current friendships and am having a lot of fun with my friends. (I do not have one of my best friends looking over my should as I write this, begging me to write lovely things about her. Not at all.)

General Life

General life is fine. I’m going to cover a few of the other things that have happened in my life since I last really just sat down and talked to y’all.
My rabbit died. Only one of them, but she was pregnant and she died the day after we moved into the new house. I’m thinking it was from the shock of moving. I have one more rabbit who I’m going to sell so I can buy myself a new one.
My other rabbit died. Not the one I’m selling, another one. I was only meant to move with one rabbit, but she died the week before we moved and I was distraught.
My laptop died. A few days ago, my laptop decided it would just BOOM. Die. It was super useful of it, I’m very pleased. Not. (Reason #2 I haven’t been blogging)
I bought a new laptop. Just yesterday, I bought myself the Microsoft Surface Pro 6 along with the majority of the accessories that I was able to buy. My parents sprung me a bit of it, but I paid for the majority of it. So now I can actually blog! On a nice laptop!
I went to the Year 10 school dance. And I loved it. I had so much fun and it was so amazing. I felt so good, comfortable and in my element. I wore a black jumpsuit and red heels and felt so good with myself, my body and everything. It was one of the most fun nights I think I’ve ever had. Three hours of dancing, singing and hanging out with friends. So worth the sore throat the day after!

Mental Health

I began working with a new counsellor. Again. This must be the 12th counsellor I’ve worked with/seen! I swear, it’s so annoying, but I just don’t seem to ‘click’ with anyone! But I think I’m clicking with this one. So far what we’ve discussed has been really good and I’ve been learning a lot.
I went through a really long period of time just before and after out move where I felt really depressed and awful. But I think I’ve got through that. I’ve been feeling very alone at nights without the music I usually listen to, but I’ve been dealing with that as it hits.
My anxiety levels have been super high recently which is really annoying, I’ve been having panic attacks much more frequently and they’ve been worse than they have ever been. But I’m also dealing with them. I’m beginning to be able to sense when they’re coming on and deal with them from there. I’ve also been discovering other methods of overcoming them and calming myself down when I’m really stressed out and anxious. Pretty much, I’m getting better at dealing with my anxiety. My new counsellor is also helping with that a lot.
Sleep. I haven’t been getting much of it. But that might have something to do with not having an actual bed and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for now. But the weirdest thing about this, is that I’m not feeling tired, I’m just not sleeping. It’s all very weird. But that’s fine.


Y’all kiddos, that’s the end of that lil’ update. I’m gonna sit here at the library and draw while listening to some relaxing children yelling and piano music, but I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Y’all should tell me about your life and how it’s been since we last talked, I’d enjoy that greatly!!!

peach out ma dudes,
emily xo

Wow, I’m a Mess |This Post is a Mess

Well, I am a huge mess. This past week has NOT been good. Has NOT been fun. But hey, life is a mess.

Today I have done nothing productive other than putting a load of washing on (10 minutes or so ago), going for a run, posted some Instagram photos on ALL my accounts and written this. Which is great. Not. I have also watched a lot of Voltron and Dodie videos, played Solitaire in solitude a lot, ridden this morning for an hour and a half and had a whole bunch of stomach cramps.

So today life is not good. But today is a lot better than it has been since probably this time two weeks ago. My life is an awful mess. My room is a complete mess, my hair has not been brushed in about two weeks, my hair is greasy and needs a wash, my clothes are in a pile on the floor in a huge mess, my skincare routine is completely out of whack and my social life…ha, what’s that?! Yeah, I’m not having fun at the moment.

Okay, my life is a mess, but that’s okay. It is okay for me to be depressed, to be anxious, to be a mess. And this is something that I’m only just coming to discover. Sometimes it’s okay just to cry. I spent an hour in the counsellor’s office on Friday, cried for at least half an hour to a friend and then went home and cried for a very long time. Until about 3 in the morning to be entirely honest. (okay, Grammarly, please sort out how ‘counsellors’ is spelt.)

At the moment I also feel very, very not here. As in I am not here. As in I’m not actually doing anything. I am struggling to feel things, to see things clearly, to hear things clearly and everything like that. and that heightens my depression.

I got through five of my exams last week with huge dramas hiding in my head. Very sad, bad dramas with friends and family and mental work. I have more exams this coming week and don’t actually want to do them. I really don’t want to go and do the rest of these exams. But they’re kind of important.

So on Monday I went and booked a counsellor appointment with the school counsellor who I’ve seen a couple of times before and she said she’d give me an appointment for this week. Then my dad rung her and she brought it forward to last Friday. So I went and saw the counsellor and cried for an hour. Before that, I had spent the entirety of my break crying. You see, I had tried a lot to be alone. I sat in a different place than usual, held a sketchbook and tried to let the world ignore me. Unfortunately, I have a friend who came and asked me why. And then I ended up crying and telling her all the shit that was going on in my life.

But the counsellor was good. I walked in crying and shaking and she sat me down, gave me tissues and told me to tell her what I was feeling. And I said nothing. Because I really didn’t know. Because I felt empty. Because I felt like nothing. In all honesty.

There’s another issue too. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DoING THIS. AND HECK, THAT’S AN ISSUE. I’m up until 3am crying because of it. Because I feel so empty. I am a shitty nightmare.

So now I’m seeing a counsellor at least twice a week until this sorts itself out and if it doesn’t then stuff will happen and I’m not sure what it will be. Another counsellor maybe? Medical support? I really don’t know. But we’re not there yet so we don’t know what’s going to happen.

Oh, another thing, how did I get to this point and why? Yeah, good questions. How? I got stressed, stopped exercising regularly, let my routines go to shit, my life became disorganised and I stopped caring about my wellbeing. I started studying too much and caring solely about that. And what caused it? A whole combination of things. As I have mentioned a couple of times before, I had a big load of sad news delivered to me about a week ago, there’s also a friend drama at school that I am not involved in, but I sort of get all the shit about it and we had exams. Mood swings and this thing where I feel empty don’t help either. And I guess dysphoria and dysmorphia don’t help one bit. OH! And I feed off others energy and I spend time with either depressed people or people who comfort the depressed people and therefore I do not have very much positive energy. So???

And to help this depressive, anxious episode, I’m going to keep talking to the counsellor and gonna try and practise some self-care to let myself just relax and get used to my own life. I’m also just going to learn to deal with the depression and anxiety and I’m going to learn to accept them. Oh, and I might recut my hair and shit like that. So I guess that’s the end?!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

A Real Story Chapter  |  I’m Scared  |  How To Study

A BIG Blogging Update | MUST READ!

The times are achanging and with them I am too.

Around this little corner of the internet there are going to be some changes. Recently I’ve found that the topics I have been blogging about (mostly mental health and LGBTQ stuff) has had me fresh out of ideas and in all, it’s not entirely what I wanted to start blogging about. Unfortunately, I’ve just gone through my followers and checked all you guys out and found that 7/10 of the amazing people who follow me are adults who also blog about the same kind of thing as me. So, this leads to the question, what should I do with the blog?

Well, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m going to ramp up the blog I began about 3 months ago under a different name and then stopped dealing with it. But I’m going to deal with it as an anonymous blogger where I blog with she/her pronouns (yes, I know it will be a struggle, but my parents don’t get pronouns right, nor do my teachers, so it’ll be just like daily life) and the name Lottie. I’ll turn that blog into a lifestyle blog (although according to it, it already is, lol) where I will blog about (quoting it now) ‘photos, food, fashion and music’, meaning that that blog will be filled with innocent, lovely things that will make everyone smile when they see it and want to read it. The blog will become a place for the other lovely, bright and pink lifestyle bloggers of the internet to go see and Lottie will join the community of those bloggers. (these few blogs are a perfect example of those sort of things: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, although, please do note that I love all these blogs and do not mean to say anything against them, rather just make a point about lifestyle blogs. I know this is very stereotypical of me and I am sorry to anyone I offend with this statement) So I am going to attempt to begin a fresh blogging career in that same sort of way. It should be an awful lot of fun because recently I have been wanting to do that but not wanting to post it on here, this lovely, serous blog that has 330 devoted followers who mean the ABSOLUTE WORLD TO ME.

So not you’re asking, BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS BLOG? and probably panicking because you love it so much and do not want me to change much (jk, you really probably aren’t, but if you are leave a comment and I will love you for eternity). Here goes your long and drawn out answer for that question. This blog is not going to change much. However, that does not mean that it is not going to change at all. That, in fact, IT IS! This lil’ bloggie is going to become the blog I post about reading, writing and issues I have alongside the mental health and LGBTQ side of it I already am. So it’s not going to be become a whole new blog, just going to have some other things linked into it for added interest and to take some of the stress off me when it comes to finding topics to actually blog about. But I also get stressed when I don’t blog, so this is a way that I can please myself and hopefully ease some of my anxiety. I want to start doing monthly updates on my life (so things like mental health, food and sleeping, along with how I am allround and how my writing and reading has gone) just to kind of keep track of how my life is going as I attempt to get out of the hole that is mental health. It will also add a bit of a break to you guys when you’re stuck reading about mental health or LGBTQ every two or three days when I post! I don’t think I’ll have a specific schedule, rather just posting when I feel like it.

Rereading all that I do not believe it made much sense, but if it did to you, that’s spontaneouslet and I love it all.

So y’all, that is all fr this wonderful little blog update. I will not be changing much and I really hope that you do not either. Love you all more than words can say!!!

the explosion in the title image is your brain upon reading this whole entire long post of all 750 words making it very short for this author who often writes posts of over 2k words rather than working on their story like they ought to be

Love Always, Emily