LIFE UPDATE BECAUSE ONE IS NECESSARY AT THIS POINT IN TIME | Emily Rambles About Nothing Useful

My dearest children, welcome. I have greatly missed you.

Anyway, it’s been a while. I suck very much at this blogging thing. Especially at the moment. I do apologise sincerely. I also hope you forgive me for being such a useless person. I really do. It’s also time to update you on what’s happening in my life and what I’ve been doing since I last blogged about my life. Lettuce begin.


Moving

We moved last Friday (29 March) and it’s been an absolute nightmare. We are living out of cardboard boxes (hundreds of them) and everything is a mess. The house is nice, but I miss the old one so much. We also do not have any internet yet as the company who is meant to be supplying it is messing up greatly (that is reason #1 that I haven’t been blogging in the past week).

School

The first term of the year is almost finished and so far it’s going well. I’m getting through everything and I don’t feel like I’m struggling too much. I got good marks in my first maths test of the year which I was super proud of and all my other marks so far seem to be reflecting that (just jinxed myself, didn’t I). Other that PE I’m doing well. PE isn’t going well and it’s the only class that I have actually got a fail mark in. Ever.
For art we’re just going into wearable art and I’m SUPER excited because my design is super fun and I’m loving making, designing and planning it. I’ll be posting about that on the other blog (when I get internet back), so go give that a follow if you want to keep up to date with that!
I’m really loving the classes I’m really loving the classes I’m taking this year and am looking forward to them for the rest of the year.

Friendships

I’ve actually managed to solidify myself a couple of stable friendships. And, y’all, I’m loving it. It’s amazing to have those people who you can relate to and rely on and that you just get along with. I’m having a lot more fun that I was about 6 weeks ago now. I’ve cut another couple of people from my friendships, but its all been for the best and I’m enjoying my life more now that they’re not in it. I’ve also managed to get myself a couple more friends who I don’t talk to all the time, but talk to every now and then, but when we talk, we have amazing conversations and SO MUCH FUN together.
All in all, I’m loving my current friendships and am having a lot of fun with my friends. (I do not have one of my best friends looking over my should as I write this, begging me to write lovely things about her. Not at all.)

General Life

General life is fine. I’m going to cover a few of the other things that have happened in my life since I last really just sat down and talked to y’all.
My rabbit died. Only one of them, but she was pregnant and she died the day after we moved into the new house. I’m thinking it was from the shock of moving. I have one more rabbit who I’m going to sell so I can buy myself a new one.
My other rabbit died. Not the one I’m selling, another one. I was only meant to move with one rabbit, but she died the week before we moved and I was distraught.
My laptop died. A few days ago, my laptop decided it would just BOOM. Die. It was super useful of it, I’m very pleased. Not. (Reason #2 I haven’t been blogging)
I bought a new laptop. Just yesterday, I bought myself the Microsoft Surface Pro 6 along with the majority of the accessories that I was able to buy. My parents sprung me a bit of it, but I paid for the majority of it. So now I can actually blog! On a nice laptop!
I went to the Year 10 school dance. And I loved it. I had so much fun and it was so amazing. I felt so good, comfortable and in my element. I wore a black jumpsuit and red heels and felt so good with myself, my body and everything. It was one of the most fun nights I think I’ve ever had. Three hours of dancing, singing and hanging out with friends. So worth the sore throat the day after!

Mental Health

I began working with a new counsellor. Again. This must be the 12th counsellor I’ve worked with/seen! I swear, it’s so annoying, but I just don’t seem to ‘click’ with anyone! But I think I’m clicking with this one. So far what we’ve discussed has been really good and I’ve been learning a lot.
I went through a really long period of time just before and after out move where I felt really depressed and awful. But I think I’ve got through that. I’ve been feeling very alone at nights without the music I usually listen to, but I’ve been dealing with that as it hits.
My anxiety levels have been super high recently which is really annoying, I’ve been having panic attacks much more frequently and they’ve been worse than they have ever been. But I’m also dealing with them. I’m beginning to be able to sense when they’re coming on and deal with them from there. I’ve also been discovering other methods of overcoming them and calming myself down when I’m really stressed out and anxious. Pretty much, I’m getting better at dealing with my anxiety. My new counsellor is also helping with that a lot.
Sleep. I haven’t been getting much of it. But that might have something to do with not having an actual bed and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for now. But the weirdest thing about this, is that I’m not feeling tired, I’m just not sleeping. It’s all very weird. But that’s fine.


Y’all kiddos, that’s the end of that lil’ update. I’m gonna sit here at the library and draw while listening to some relaxing children yelling and piano music, but I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Y’all should tell me about your life and how it’s been since we last talked, I’d enjoy that greatly!!!

peach out ma dudes,
emily xo

Midway Thoughts #1 | Moving On

Hi folks.

It’s been a couple of days since my last moving on post and I’m back again. This series will be covering the process of moving house and moving on from that, it will cover wverything that goes on in that process and not glorify it. It makes it very real and shows the grief of leaving the place you call home and moving to a new one. Both of the previous posts in this series will be linked at the end of this post, but very quickly to recap what has happened in them both:
The first post discussed finding out that we were going to be selling up and moving. It covered my initial thoughts and talked about the place we are moving from.
The second post talked about everything that had happened in the nine weeks from that first post and the fact that we were now moving. It also covered the place we were moving to and the times between sale and movement.
This post will cover my thoughts now, just before we move in a few days. It will cover the things I am happy about and the things I am not happy about along with the emotions I am currently feeling towards this move.

Now into the post, enjoy!


When I heard that the sale had gone through, there was a full moon and I sat outside for 2 hours and watched it. I didn’t know what to think about moving. I cried a lot that night, an awful lot. Almost all that I could think about was what was going to happen, I felt numb and sad. There was a sense of dread in my heart and I wasn’t sure why or what would happen. I think that this caused a lot of the anxiety that I felt in those initial stages. Then it was still a while away, six weeks, and it still didn’t feel real.

Since that time, it’s become a lot more real, but I still don’t think that I ‘know’ what’s going on, four days before the move. I know more than I did, how I’m feeling, but I’m still not super clear on that. I’ll go into more detail on that soon, but for now I want to cover what I’m thinking about the move.
My anxiety has been heightened by the move, but I’ve also felt a lot calmer. It’s been a sense of utter empty calm that I’ve felt, and I’m unsure as to why that is. My emotions have been pretty much flat-lining, before flaring up again, but when they do flare up, it’s not for long, an hour or two.
I’ve been filling my days with a lot of things, I had school camp, a bunch of school tests and I’ve been out with friends more than I ever have. It’s been common for me to go out and just be with friends for two hours after school. It’s been giving me an excuse to forget about moving. But when I get back from all of that and the moving thoughts come back, everything crashes. My depressive episodes have been more regular, but shorter. They’ll be there for an hour, a day, and then they won’t be there. If I get depressed, I get anxious and then the anxiety takes over the depression and it’s not there anymore.
Maybe that’s just being a teenager who fills their days with a whole bunch of stuff, takes classes that require a lot of thought, has unstable friendships and travels a lot, but for me, it’s weird. I’m anxious, but I’m empty. I get the feeling I do when I’m depressed, the emptiness, but I get anxious. There are no thoughts there, but I’m still freaking out about all the thoughts. When there is that gentle sense of ease, calm, it’s scary. Everything is scary.
Right, enough of that. Now the rest of the thoughts, the two emotions that I have avoided covering up there so I can cover them now; sadness and excitement.

I’m sad about moving. About having to get rid of all of the animals but the cats, the dog and the rabbits, the last of which will be gone when we’ve moved. I’m sad about leaving the place I’ve called home for the last six and a half years. I’m sad about losing the land. THe place, the house. I’m sad that I’m going to be losing it all.
I’m sad about it all, it’s all so big and great and scary and it’s just making me sad. Getting rid of the animals took a much greater toll on me that I originally thought it would, but it’s getting better now, slowly.

Next emotion that is really incredibly confusing to me, excitement. I’m excited about moving, and this is a shock to me. I’m sad about it, so incredibly sad about it, but I’m also happy. I’m excited to be in a new place, to have the time to go out in the afternoon and walk the dog. To not be driving three hours a day. I’m excited to be able to go out to movies with my friends on the weekends, to be able to go around to friends places, to be able to do all of the things with my friends that I currently can’t. I’m excited to be moving into a place with bigger rooms, more rooms. I’m excited to see what my room will look like, excited to get a new bed, redecorate the room. I’m excited to see what the aesthetic of the room will end up like. I’m excited because there will be two spare rooms and one will be a music room and the other will be a spare bedroom-sewing room which makes me so happy. I’ll have more storage space, more room, more light. I’m excited to see what we do with the house, what we do with the gardens. I’m excited to have more time, to get home earlier.
It’s the things that excite me that are keeping me going through this. There are more of them, yes, but they’re smaller, sillier things, but it’s good. It’s getting me through this. Through the difficult times of having to get rid of pets, of animals, of the place that I have called home for the past six and a half years.


Those are my mid-way thoughts, dears. I’ll have another set of these in about a week, when I’ve been in the new place for about four days, and we’ll see how I’m feeling then! I’ll be posting these very regularly for now, so keep checking your inbox for them!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous Posts:
Moving On #1
Moving On #2

Moving Update | Moving On

Hello, children.

It’s been a while, especially since I have done a moving on post. If you’re new here, Moving On is a series in which I discuss the fact that we are moving. I also cover the issues I am having with this, my thoughts and why I think it’s going to be like that. I addition to the above stated things, I talk about the pros and con of moving, the packing process and what it involves for me, the houses and properties we are moving to and from and the process of grieving, moving on from it and just my life around this in general. For the next two weeks I will be posting every one or two days on this topic, I will be covering the reason for that in this update post because it has been about six weeks since I last posted. Right, onward.

In the last post on this, I talked about living here, when we moved here and what it’s been like since then. I also discussed what we’re moving from and where we were thinking of moving to at that point int time, January 18th. The whole post is linked at the bottom of the page in case you missed it.

In this post I will be updating all of that and just giving an overview of everything that has happened in the past two months surrounding the moving process and what is going to be happening in the next couple of weeks. Enjoy, leave a comment and give it a like!


Since January, we have sold our house and bought a new house. About a weeks after that last post on this, we put the house up for sale, and the next day we had had people come into view it and had an offer in on the place. A week later, we had accepted the offer and were looking for a new house of our own. I can’t remember the exact timing of this all, because it was a log time ago and everything has just been super, super hectic and crazy and everything has been incredibly busy and I really haven’t had time to think about it all. Anyway, after about 3 weeks of searching, we had a house that we had put an offer in on, and a couple of weeks later, everything there was confirmed and we had the house as our own. That was five weeks ago yesterday (22 March, 2019).

We move into the new house on Friday (29 March, 2019), six weeks after sale confirmation went through, 2 months after we first began thinking abut moving. It’s been a full five weeks since we had confirmation of the sale on this property and everything had been sorted on the new one, and it still hasn’t sunk in. It’s still very raw, very fake and very pretend, I don’t think I really realise that it’s real yet, I don’t think I will until everything is out of this house and in the new one. (Oh, btw, I will be posting empty house tours on my other blog when we’re moving, sometime at the start of April, so keep an eye out for those!!!)

The place that we are moving to is a two story town house thing. It’s in a small town about 15 minutes away from the place I go to school and my mother works, there is a bus that goes from my school to the house. The actual place we are moving to is on a 900m2 piece of land, mostly taken up by the building and concreted areas. The house is nice, it has a small kitchen, large living areas, six bedrooms, two bathrooms, three toilets, a small laundry and a garage out the back. That’s it in short. There are a few other things there too (Harry Potter closet, linen cupboards and the like) but that is it. There is a small grassed area out the front and another out the back, a bunch of gardens, an outdoor barbecue area and a small grassy strip down the side of the house. It’s on a street just off the main road, about 50 metres or so down and it’s surrounded on all sides by more houses and a road.
I know that it sounds like a house a lot of people live in, and it’s actually nice, and yes, I’ll admit all of that, but for me, it’s a huge change. There’s not enough land for me to bring most of my animals and I’m having to make decisions as to which animals I am going to taking, and which I am going to be leaving behind.


We move in on Friday, we leave here on Friday. There is a drive of a little over an hour between the two places which is good, but it’s still hard.

For now, this is my update post, I have a bunch more scheduled to be up in the next few days (one every two days). They will all be about this same sort of thing, so stick around for that! That’s all for now!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous posts:
Moving On #1

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams | Being Egotistical and Telling Y’all What I Want

Hello

I’m in a bad space currently. I’ve had to break off several friendships, become depressed, had three anxiety attacks since Sunday and cried for 3 hours today. My head hurts, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my eyes hurt and I just plain damn hurt all over.
But I’m fine. I’m doing okay. I’m doing homework. Which is calming for unknown reasons. I actually enjoy doing it. Odd me.

So today I am going to be very self-centred and tell you exactly what I want. For myself. And no one else. And no world. This is all for me. Because I feel bad and this might cheer me up a little.

Also, I apologise for the lack of blog posts, I put that down to school, people and bad mental health. But I kinda want to get back into posting. So I’m gonna try and we’ll see what happens!

Please note that the majority of these things will not be able to be done and I know this. But we need hopes and dreams to keep us alive. These are things that will not happen without a lot of planning and practise and work that I will have to put in over a long period of time.

Let’s get going and get this over with.


  • I want the close friendships that I spend forever working on back.
    I worked really hard last year to make friends with a bunch of people and by the end of the year I had some friendships that I thought were strong. With amazing people. And then a whole bunch of stuff went down and I lost them. The majority of the friendships I have now are online, even though I go to school with these people and meet up with them daily for five minutes to give them a hug before we have to part ways.
    I lost the majority of these friendships by removing myself from toxic friendships with people who I also once considered close friends.
    I’ll do a post entirely on this at some point, on losing close friends.
  • I want the people I used to be so close to back in my life.
    These people aren’t the people from above, the people I go to school with and that sort of stuff. No. I’m talking the people who I only have contact with via my blog and – on occasion – email. There are a couple of people who I really, really, really just want to hang out with again. And just talk about random stuff. Because those people are so freaking amazing and I miss them so much. Those are the people who I have had the strongest, longest friendships with.
    You know who you are. And please know that I miss you so much it ain’t even funny.
  • I want to be able to keep two on my bunnies, rather than just one, when we move.
    This is a crazy one on here. But when we move, we have to get rid of all our animals. We can only keep a few – cats, a dog, a rabbit, budgies. This means that I have to get rid of the majority of my rabbits. I have been given permission to keep one. And there are six. There are two young rabbits that I love so much and I don’t want to have to choose between the two of them, but I know I have to, because there isn’t enough space at the place we’re moving for two rabbits. And I hate that. I hate getting rid of the rabbits.
    But I have to choose one. And I want to choose them both.
  • I want to move our land closer to town with the house we’ve bought and the garden on it.
    That makes no sense. Pretty much what I mean is this:
    I want to take the land we currently have, put the house we’re moving into on it, and move it all closer to town. I want that. Because that would be perfect. We would have the land and therefore the animals, we would have the big house that we’ve bought, the nice house, and we’d be close to town, so we didn’t have to drive as far as we do every morning. I know that that is absolutely impossible, but I wish it were possible. Because I don’t want to do this.
    I’ve got a moving post ready and it’ll be up in a few days and that will clarify all of this for you.
  • I want to remove all my mental illnesses and other ‘issues’.
    I want to take away the anxiety, the depression, the anger, the anorexia, the body dysphoria, the gender dysphoria, the gender identity issues, all of that. I want it to be gone. And I know that can’t happen without a whole lot of things happening first. But I wish it could. Because those things hurt like hell.
    I know that there are things I can do to help with those things, but they’re going to take time, or I’m going to have to become ‘stronger’ and tell my parents about my gender issues, about the fact that I do hate my chest, that I am not a girl, all of that. But I can’t bring myself to. They get the pronouns, but they don’t get the gender neutralism. The fact that I’m not their daughter.
    But we’re getting there. Slowly.
  • I want to have the money to buy my friends everything they so deserve.
    My friends, the ones who have stuck with me for freaking ever, through all the drama, through splitting apart, through only having online contact and very little IRL communication, deserve the world. I want to be able to give them everything they deserve. To remove all their issues, because they’ve helped me so much.
    But I don’t have that money. Yet. I will. One day. And then they’ll get what they deserve. Then they’ll understand how much they mean to me. Because – and I’ve said this a whole lot – they deserve everything they can get.
  • I want to meet my online friends.
    Because those people are so amazing. And I love them so much. There are very few people who I’m super close to online, but I want more online friends, and I want to meet the ones I have. Because that would be amazing.
    But money’s an issue, as is being halfway across the world.
    But one day I’ll get there. One day I’ll meet them. Because I need to do that. These people mean so much to me, and I want to see them and tell them that IRL.
  • I want a ferret.
    You can’t have ferrets in New Zealand. But I want a ferret. I don’t know why, I just do. I just want a ferret. I don’t care what they do, what they hurt, I want a ferret. They’re so adorable and I need one. If it involves moving halfway across the world, I’ll do it. I just want the ferret. Now. Please. Someone send me a ferret. I would love you forever.
  • Tell me those are not the most adorable creatures in the entire universe. I love them so much. And I want them. So badly.
  • I want to be old enough to get tattoos.
    I want tattoos so badly. I want to be able to do the things I have always wanted. As an artist, I personally see my body as a kind of canvas, ready to be turned into a piece of art. And it’s blank at the moment. I want to pierce it more than it already is, I want to draw on it, permanently. I want to be able to put on my body the fact that I’ve survived. That I’ve been through struggles, with my mental health, with my image, with everything, and I’ve got through. That is something so serious to me. I want it to happen. Soon.
    I have ideas for tattoos, I have designs and all of that, but I’m not old enough. It’s a year until I can legally get a tattoo, and then I’d have to find a way to hide it under my uniform. And it’s the same with piercings, I can get several, I just can’t show them.
    So we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. And we give ourselves something to stay alive for. A tattoo.
  • I want all the drama going on in my life, to be over.
    All the friendship drama, all the school drama, all the family drama, all the drama with the house, I want it all to be gone. I want to take a pill, and remove it all. And make it disappear. Because I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being the focal point of all the drama, the one who it all centres around. Because it does always seem to be me who the drama centres around. And that really gets to me. It really gets to me.
    I get sent all the information. I get told everything. And I’m stuck in the middle of all the dramas that I wasn’t involved in in the first place.
    Or I’m the drama. I’ve removed something or someone from my life, and that’s backfired. That happens too. And I’m stuck in the middle of the drama, having a panic attack.
  • And lastly, I want my schoolwork to go well.
    This is doable. We’ll end on somewhat of a high. I can do this. I can do well on my schoolwork. It will take dedication, but I can do it. I know I can. And I like that. I like that a lot.
    I can do well in school, in class, I’m calm. Everything disappears and it’s just me and my head and the paper and the pen and the teacher. Especially in art, fashion and maths. And sometimes science. When I can see the numbers and the patterns and it all makes sense. Then, none of the dramas can get me, in schoolwork, I’m safe. That’s probably weird, but schoolwork has no drama.
    I can bury myself in my schoolwork to remove myself from the outside world and get good grades. I can do well.

And that’s the end. I hope you enjoyed all of this. All of me being self-centred and talking about the things I can’t have but really want. It was fun to write.

Leave your wishes in the comments below, those things are always fun to do! And this is a great point for you to just get things off your chest, like I have. This wasn’t meant to be a rant, but it is a rant. And that’s fine.

peace out ma dudes!
emily

A Fear of Leaving? | Moving On

Hi peoples.

That started really morbid, but that’s okay. This post is going to be really morbid and reminiscent.

So so so. If you didn’t already know (and I really wouldn’t expect you to unless you a. follow my Instagram and actually read my captions, b. read every single tiny thing in this post or c. are one of my like, very close friends who I rant to) we are trying to sell the house. Sell the house and move closer to school and work.
This post is going to be about a whole lot of things that I’m thinking about this entire moving thing. It’s pretty much going to be me being kinda sad about it all. I don’t know why, but I feel sad and I’ll cover all that in the post.

Pretty much this post is going to be split in half and I might will do another post on pros and cons and maybe something else. I might to a bunch of moving blog posts, I don’t know now. But we’re starting with this. Half of it’s going to be me being super sad and hating stuff and the other little tiny bit is going to be thinking about positives. If there are any. Let’s go.

editing me: screw that there’s no happiness in this. it’s all sad and morbid. you’ve been warned


As a super quick start thing, we moved up here in 2012 when I was 8 from our house in Christchurch where I had been living for all but one month of my life. We were on a small piece of land there and lived in a smallish village with people close and a small amount of land, chickens, some animals and a huge vege garden.
We moved up here to the North Island on idk the date, I’ll edit this and insert it here (the date was 12 November 2012) when I was 8 and my sisters were almost 1 and 3. We now live with a whole bunch of animals (we’re talking rabbits, budgies, chickens, cows, alpaca, sheep, goats, pigs, calves, cats and dogs) and lots of land and some kinda vege gardens in the middle of fricking nowhere.
That’s just what the house and shit where we are now is like versus the place we use to live. Pros and cons of both, obviously. But this ain’t about all that, this is about moving from here, to somewhere new. And my thoughts. Clearly.

Super quickly, we’re painting the house to try to get more money and sell it better? If that made sense. We’re also not moving heaps, just 1-2 hours away from where we currently are. Let’s go.


So I was in my room for most of the day today and went out to feed rabbits, shower and get some food before about 1. Then I came back in and did more stuff and people went out and I was asked to put away some dishes. Which I did at 5pm. So at 5pm I left my room and walked down the corridor and into the dining room before turning to go into the kitchen and stopping. And I cried. I’m not going to lie here, I stopped and turned into the kitchen and just stopped walking and cried. Which is not unusual for me, I cry all the time, but usually because I’m depressed (which, surprise, I am because I’d been being nostalgic and people are being shitty currently) or anxious (which I also am) but those are not the reasons I cried then. I cried because I looked at the kitchen and it was almost empty. There was nothing of the walls and it just looked so empty. There were all the appliances and utensils and stuff still there, but it was empty. There was no noticeboard, no cookbook-shelf, no little coffee sign. There were no bottles on the cupboards and fridge, no people, no books, no curtains. There was nothing but the things that had to be there, the cutlery and utensils, the plates and bowls and a few things on the benches. The knife racks had been taken down, the appliances had been pulled away from the walls. Everything had moved and it made me cry. I was so saddened by its emptiness and I didn’t know what to do.

I literally walked into the kitchen and just walked around. And I didn’t know why. I was just watching everything, looking at everything. Noticing every little thing that was missing. All the books and stuff. There was NOTHING that made it our kitchen. And I was broken. For no particular reason other than that. It didn’t look like our kitchen. Sure, the walls were still there, our appliances were still there, our fridges, our cupboards, but anyone could have had those things. The things that made the kitchen ours weren’t there. The little notes and pictures on the noticeboard, the little coffee sign, the books with their little scribbles in the margins, the bottles and torch and jars that cluttered the tops of things and annoyed me. It may have annoyed me how cluttered everything was, but I think the big thing I want to say here, was that it was ours. It was very unique, very special, very clearly ours with all that stuff there. And without it, it didn’t seem ours.

I don;t know what’s going to happen after the kitchen is painted, I don’t know whether we’re going to be putting everything back up or not. I don’t know whether all of the things that made it mine are going to be back or if they’re just going to stay down. But we’re painting it. We’re taking away the ugly, old, off-white colour of the walls and ceiling and we’re replacing it with bright white and mushroom. And that’s big That doesn’t make it mine. Even empty like it is now, the kitchen still has those colours that make it mine. But with what’s happening with it, with the colours, it’s not going to be my kitchen. Even with all the things back in it. It’s just going to be a kitchen.

The kitchen is going to remind me whenever I look at it, that we’re moving. That we’re leaving here, the place I’ve learnt to call home.

We repainted the dining room a while ago, repainted the bathroom and the hallway. That was before we were moving. Before we had decided to put the house on the market. And I loved the new looks then, I still do, but I can’t help but think now, about the old colours. About the old bathroom. About the awful orange and white dining room and the pink frieze around the hallway. I can’t help but think about all of those things and think about what they are now. The creams and the mushrooms and the whites. And I love them as they are, but it makes me sad. Because I was here for 6 years and those were all like that. As horrible as they were, they made this place home for me. The foot mark on the mirror in the bathroom that I looked over to wash my face twice a day, it’s gone now. Everything like that is gone.

And then there’s my personal stuff. I spent a week decluttering and tidying out my room. Removing a whole bunch of the things I didn’t need anymore. All the things that were too annoying, took up too much space. They all went. And I cried. I cried a lot during that time. Finding things that old friends had given me, going through my camera and finding pictures from years ago when I had different friends, friends who I haven’t spoken to in a year, in two years, three. And then there were photos of people who I was friends with last year but am not now. And those hurt me, Everything hurt me. Clearing out my camera log, my laptop, my phone. Clearing out my old schoolbooks even made me sad. I found pictures of a young me. A me from years ago. And I cried over them too. I cried over the pictures of me when I could fit clothes I now can’t, pictures of me with animals I’ve lost, Friends and family I’ve lost. And it was hard.
I threw away things I’d been given years ago, found old phone numbers, email addresses of people who had promised to contact me, who I’d promised to contact, but never had. And I threw them all out. I threw out bags upon bags of fabric that had been under my desk for months, yarn that I’d had for years. I threw out, took apart, things that I’d worked hard on last year, the year before, because they took up a whole bunch of space and didn’t need to.

And it hit home for me really this afternoon when I walked into the kitchen. It all hit home. This wasn’t going to be home for much longer. I was going to have to call somewhere else home. Because this would no longer be it. And that’s hard for me.

It took me a while to call this place home, because I was so used to the place we used to live being home. For me, as a young child, I didn’t understand it fully, didn’t understand that this was now home, this was now the place that I had to call home. Because it was. But I was young, I didn’t really think about all that, I didn’t really think about this place not being home. It took a while to grip that concept, but this place was home soon enough. Now I’m older, I’m 15 in 6 months time, I’m going into my second year of highschool, I’ve finished primary school, I’ve been to two different primary schools and have been homeschooled for a year. I’ve been here for 6 years and to me it’s more of my life than in Christchurch. Yes, in time I was there for longer than I’ve been here, but I wasn’t able to remember a whole lot of that. I can remember little things, I still wake up at 3am and draw my old schools, yes, I still recall all my old friends names, the street names, my old phone number, but I don’t remember a lot of the things that went on down there. I was too young. But I’ve been here for a lot of, most of, the age where I am able to remember things, to create core memories. Being up here is what has really shaped who I am. And I’m leaving that. I don’t know what makes that so difficult to comprehend, but it is hard to comprehend.

I think that for me, moving is going to be hard. Having to call a new place ‘home’ when this has been home for most of my memorable life is going to be difficult. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to have to ability to call somewhere else home, but I know it’s not going to be fast, it’s not going to be easy.

For me, a huge thing about moving is that we’re not moving to somewhere like here. We’re not moving from the middle of fricking nowhere to the middle of fricking nowhere but closer to school, we’re moving from the middle of fricking nowhere to somewhere. To a centre. To somewhere close to a town, a city. We’re moving away from somewhere where you can walk for 10 minutes and get to a place where you cannot see any civilisation to somewhere where we’ll be close to civilisation. Which is hard.
We’ll be moving from somewhere with animals and space and open air to somewhere where we may not have land, may not have animals, may be surrounded on all sides by houses and people. We’re going to have to give up the majority of our animals, our sheep and calves that we’ve raised from 2 days old, since birth in some cases, we’re going to have to get rid of the cows who have become our family, the alpaca who was a gift for my sister. We’re going to have to possibly get rid of the rabbits, my babies for the last 5 years even though the actual animal has changed, the animal has stayed the same. We may have to give up more, maybe the chickens, maybe others, I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know how much of an impact this is going to have on me. Not being able to walk out and go down to the creek, walking the paths I cantered up on the horses, I’m not going to be able to go and sit by the resting spot of my horse and just talk to her like I did when she was alive. I’m not going to be able to do that. I’m not going to be able to walk to the top of the hill and scream and have no one hear me. To stand there and just be for hours on end until I’m cold and windblown. That’s not going to be able to happen. There’s not going to be the nature.

I’ve been walking with the dog for the past few nights, just up and down the hills a few times, just walkking for an hour or so, just walking. And it’s been nice. It’s been really nice. But I walk and then I get back home and remember that that is going to be something that this time next year, I may not be doing. Because we probably won’t be here next year. And that hurts It hurts to say that, write that,

Okay, I’m full out crying now. Great. Anyway, continuing.

I talked to Mum a few days ago, a week or so ago, and I said that I probably wouldn’t be able to have a birthday party this year because none of my friends really need to drive all the way out here to say happy birthday when I can go out with a couple of them on the last day of school as a birthday thing. But then Mum said that we probably wouldn’t be here by then. By July. And that hit home. It hit me so hard that we probably wouldn’t get to be here for my 15th birthday. and that’s scary. Because I love this place and I would really like to have that one last birthday here, whether I have friends here or not, I want to be here. Because this is home. And I don’t want to have my birthday anywhere but home. I don’t care if my friends can’t be here, I like private, quiet birthdays and 15 isn’t that big, but I want to be here. Here. Where home is. Not somewhere that isn’t home. That isn’t a place I know. I don’t want that.


It’s late now and I’m full out sobbing and struggling to write now, so I might just stop, but I needed to get that out, out of my system because it’s really hard for me to deal with and I want others to know it. I don’t know why, but that’s what this blog is for. So yes. Thank you if you read through this full thing and I’m sorry it ended so abruptly but I actually couldn’t write anything else and this is meant to be up in 5 minutes and I’ve gotta do graphics, editing and tags so we’ll see how that goes.

I’ll continue to update you on how this house selling shit goes, but thanks again for reading this.

editing me: it’s 11:18pm and i’m done. this was meant to be up at 11 but oh well, it’ll get up!

see you in the next post!
emily xo