LIFE UPDATE BECAUSE ONE IS NECESSARY AT THIS POINT IN TIME | Emily Rambles About Nothing Useful

My dearest children, welcome. I have greatly missed you.

Anyway, it’s been a while. I suck very much at this blogging thing. Especially at the moment. I do apologise sincerely. I also hope you forgive me for being such a useless person. I really do. It’s also time to update you on what’s happening in my life and what I’ve been doing since I last blogged about my life. Lettuce begin.


Moving

We moved last Friday (29 March) and it’s been an absolute nightmare. We are living out of cardboard boxes (hundreds of them) and everything is a mess. The house is nice, but I miss the old one so much. We also do not have any internet yet as the company who is meant to be supplying it is messing up greatly (that is reason #1 that I haven’t been blogging in the past week).

School

The first term of the year is almost finished and so far it’s going well. I’m getting through everything and I don’t feel like I’m struggling too much. I got good marks in my first maths test of the year which I was super proud of and all my other marks so far seem to be reflecting that (just jinxed myself, didn’t I). Other that PE I’m doing well. PE isn’t going well and it’s the only class that I have actually got a fail mark in. Ever.
For art we’re just going into wearable art and I’m SUPER excited because my design is super fun and I’m loving making, designing and planning it. I’ll be posting about that on the other blog (when I get internet back), so go give that a follow if you want to keep up to date with that!
I’m really loving the classes I’m really loving the classes I’m taking this year and am looking forward to them for the rest of the year.

Friendships

I’ve actually managed to solidify myself a couple of stable friendships. And, y’all, I’m loving it. It’s amazing to have those people who you can relate to and rely on and that you just get along with. I’m having a lot more fun that I was about 6 weeks ago now. I’ve cut another couple of people from my friendships, but its all been for the best and I’m enjoying my life more now that they’re not in it. I’ve also managed to get myself a couple more friends who I don’t talk to all the time, but talk to every now and then, but when we talk, we have amazing conversations and SO MUCH FUN together.
All in all, I’m loving my current friendships and am having a lot of fun with my friends. (I do not have one of my best friends looking over my should as I write this, begging me to write lovely things about her. Not at all.)

General Life

General life is fine. I’m going to cover a few of the other things that have happened in my life since I last really just sat down and talked to y’all.
My rabbit died. Only one of them, but she was pregnant and she died the day after we moved into the new house. I’m thinking it was from the shock of moving. I have one more rabbit who I’m going to sell so I can buy myself a new one.
My other rabbit died. Not the one I’m selling, another one. I was only meant to move with one rabbit, but she died the week before we moved and I was distraught.
My laptop died. A few days ago, my laptop decided it would just BOOM. Die. It was super useful of it, I’m very pleased. Not. (Reason #2 I haven’t been blogging)
I bought a new laptop. Just yesterday, I bought myself the Microsoft Surface Pro 6 along with the majority of the accessories that I was able to buy. My parents sprung me a bit of it, but I paid for the majority of it. So now I can actually blog! On a nice laptop!
I went to the Year 10 school dance. And I loved it. I had so much fun and it was so amazing. I felt so good, comfortable and in my element. I wore a black jumpsuit and red heels and felt so good with myself, my body and everything. It was one of the most fun nights I think I’ve ever had. Three hours of dancing, singing and hanging out with friends. So worth the sore throat the day after!

Mental Health

I began working with a new counsellor. Again. This must be the 12th counsellor I’ve worked with/seen! I swear, it’s so annoying, but I just don’t seem to ‘click’ with anyone! But I think I’m clicking with this one. So far what we’ve discussed has been really good and I’ve been learning a lot.
I went through a really long period of time just before and after out move where I felt really depressed and awful. But I think I’ve got through that. I’ve been feeling very alone at nights without the music I usually listen to, but I’ve been dealing with that as it hits.
My anxiety levels have been super high recently which is really annoying, I’ve been having panic attacks much more frequently and they’ve been worse than they have ever been. But I’m also dealing with them. I’m beginning to be able to sense when they’re coming on and deal with them from there. I’ve also been discovering other methods of overcoming them and calming myself down when I’m really stressed out and anxious. Pretty much, I’m getting better at dealing with my anxiety. My new counsellor is also helping with that a lot.
Sleep. I haven’t been getting much of it. But that might have something to do with not having an actual bed and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for now. But the weirdest thing about this, is that I’m not feeling tired, I’m just not sleeping. It’s all very weird. But that’s fine.


Y’all kiddos, that’s the end of that lil’ update. I’m gonna sit here at the library and draw while listening to some relaxing children yelling and piano music, but I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Y’all should tell me about your life and how it’s been since we last talked, I’d enjoy that greatly!!!

peach out ma dudes,
emily xo

Right Now #3 | Conan Gray, Daughter, Fall Out Boy & AURORA

Welcome back to another episode of Right Now, a segment of this blog where we discuss music and my monthly playlist. The last episodes are linked at the end of this post. Enjoy this month’s episode, like, comment and follow for more quality content like this!

editing emily: I really don’t know what that intro was but I hope you enjoyed it and will continue to read the rest of this post, I promise it’s not quite as weird!!! (it’s still weird)


My entire playlist is right here if you’d really like to go and check it out. But now, my favourite and top songs of March, 2019!!!

editing emily: yeah, this is weird, even for me. I’m sorry. please continue on.

  • Human Again | Kodaline
  • Honest | Kodaline
  • Heavydirtysoul | Twenty One Pilots
  • The Judge | Twenty One Pilots
  • Running with the Wolves | AURORA
  • Through the Eyes of a Child | AURORA
  • 888 | Cavetown
  • I’ll Make Cereal | Cavetown (yes, it’s really called that, it’s very good)
  • The King | Conan Gray
  • Idle Town | Conan Gray
  • Atlas: Eight | Sleeping at Last
  • Hourglass | Sleeping at Last
  • Youth | Daughter
  • Amsterdam | Daughter
  • Hey Look Ma, I Made It | Panic! At the Disco
  • Nicotine | Panic! At the Disco
  • Spaceland | chloe moriondo
  • Waves | chloe moriondo
  • The Phoenix | Fall Out Boy
  • Uma Thurman | Fall Out Boy
  • feelings are fatal |mxmtoon
  • CROWN | TOMORROW X TOGETHER

That’s the end of that. There’s a whole bunch of new music in that playlist, Conan Gray is a new discovery for me, and I’m actually finding that I love his music so much, it’s just fun. TXT (TOMORROW X TOGETHER) is a kpop band and I actually love their music which is a huge shock for me given that I don’t listen to kpop! It’s just super fun, upbeat and lively (and their music videos are a lot of fun!!!)

I hope you enjoyed this post, definitely go check out the playlist and a bunch of the songs on there!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Midway Thoughts #1 | Moving On

Hi folks.

It’s been a couple of days since my last moving on post and I’m back again. This series will be covering the process of moving house and moving on from that, it will cover wverything that goes on in that process and not glorify it. It makes it very real and shows the grief of leaving the place you call home and moving to a new one. Both of the previous posts in this series will be linked at the end of this post, but very quickly to recap what has happened in them both:
The first post discussed finding out that we were going to be selling up and moving. It covered my initial thoughts and talked about the place we are moving from.
The second post talked about everything that had happened in the nine weeks from that first post and the fact that we were now moving. It also covered the place we were moving to and the times between sale and movement.
This post will cover my thoughts now, just before we move in a few days. It will cover the things I am happy about and the things I am not happy about along with the emotions I am currently feeling towards this move.

Now into the post, enjoy!


When I heard that the sale had gone through, there was a full moon and I sat outside for 2 hours and watched it. I didn’t know what to think about moving. I cried a lot that night, an awful lot. Almost all that I could think about was what was going to happen, I felt numb and sad. There was a sense of dread in my heart and I wasn’t sure why or what would happen. I think that this caused a lot of the anxiety that I felt in those initial stages. Then it was still a while away, six weeks, and it still didn’t feel real.

Since that time, it’s become a lot more real, but I still don’t think that I ‘know’ what’s going on, four days before the move. I know more than I did, how I’m feeling, but I’m still not super clear on that. I’ll go into more detail on that soon, but for now I want to cover what I’m thinking about the move.
My anxiety has been heightened by the move, but I’ve also felt a lot calmer. It’s been a sense of utter empty calm that I’ve felt, and I’m unsure as to why that is. My emotions have been pretty much flat-lining, before flaring up again, but when they do flare up, it’s not for long, an hour or two.
I’ve been filling my days with a lot of things, I had school camp, a bunch of school tests and I’ve been out with friends more than I ever have. It’s been common for me to go out and just be with friends for two hours after school. It’s been giving me an excuse to forget about moving. But when I get back from all of that and the moving thoughts come back, everything crashes. My depressive episodes have been more regular, but shorter. They’ll be there for an hour, a day, and then they won’t be there. If I get depressed, I get anxious and then the anxiety takes over the depression and it’s not there anymore.
Maybe that’s just being a teenager who fills their days with a whole bunch of stuff, takes classes that require a lot of thought, has unstable friendships and travels a lot, but for me, it’s weird. I’m anxious, but I’m empty. I get the feeling I do when I’m depressed, the emptiness, but I get anxious. There are no thoughts there, but I’m still freaking out about all the thoughts. When there is that gentle sense of ease, calm, it’s scary. Everything is scary.
Right, enough of that. Now the rest of the thoughts, the two emotions that I have avoided covering up there so I can cover them now; sadness and excitement.

I’m sad about moving. About having to get rid of all of the animals but the cats, the dog and the rabbits, the last of which will be gone when we’ve moved. I’m sad about leaving the place I’ve called home for the last six and a half years. I’m sad about losing the land. THe place, the house. I’m sad that I’m going to be losing it all.
I’m sad about it all, it’s all so big and great and scary and it’s just making me sad. Getting rid of the animals took a much greater toll on me that I originally thought it would, but it’s getting better now, slowly.

Next emotion that is really incredibly confusing to me, excitement. I’m excited about moving, and this is a shock to me. I’m sad about it, so incredibly sad about it, but I’m also happy. I’m excited to be in a new place, to have the time to go out in the afternoon and walk the dog. To not be driving three hours a day. I’m excited to be able to go out to movies with my friends on the weekends, to be able to go around to friends places, to be able to do all of the things with my friends that I currently can’t. I’m excited to be moving into a place with bigger rooms, more rooms. I’m excited to see what my room will look like, excited to get a new bed, redecorate the room. I’m excited to see what the aesthetic of the room will end up like. I’m excited because there will be two spare rooms and one will be a music room and the other will be a spare bedroom-sewing room which makes me so happy. I’ll have more storage space, more room, more light. I’m excited to see what we do with the house, what we do with the gardens. I’m excited to have more time, to get home earlier.
It’s the things that excite me that are keeping me going through this. There are more of them, yes, but they’re smaller, sillier things, but it’s good. It’s getting me through this. Through the difficult times of having to get rid of pets, of animals, of the place that I have called home for the past six and a half years.


Those are my mid-way thoughts, dears. I’ll have another set of these in about a week, when I’ve been in the new place for about four days, and we’ll see how I’m feeling then! I’ll be posting these very regularly for now, so keep checking your inbox for them!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous Posts:
Moving On #1
Moving On #2

Moving Update | Moving On

Hello, children.

It’s been a while, especially since I have done a moving on post. If you’re new here, Moving On is a series in which I discuss the fact that we are moving. I also cover the issues I am having with this, my thoughts and why I think it’s going to be like that. I addition to the above stated things, I talk about the pros and con of moving, the packing process and what it involves for me, the houses and properties we are moving to and from and the process of grieving, moving on from it and just my life around this in general. For the next two weeks I will be posting every one or two days on this topic, I will be covering the reason for that in this update post because it has been about six weeks since I last posted. Right, onward.

In the last post on this, I talked about living here, when we moved here and what it’s been like since then. I also discussed what we’re moving from and where we were thinking of moving to at that point int time, January 18th. The whole post is linked at the bottom of the page in case you missed it.

In this post I will be updating all of that and just giving an overview of everything that has happened in the past two months surrounding the moving process and what is going to be happening in the next couple of weeks. Enjoy, leave a comment and give it a like!


Since January, we have sold our house and bought a new house. About a weeks after that last post on this, we put the house up for sale, and the next day we had had people come into view it and had an offer in on the place. A week later, we had accepted the offer and were looking for a new house of our own. I can’t remember the exact timing of this all, because it was a log time ago and everything has just been super, super hectic and crazy and everything has been incredibly busy and I really haven’t had time to think about it all. Anyway, after about 3 weeks of searching, we had a house that we had put an offer in on, and a couple of weeks later, everything there was confirmed and we had the house as our own. That was five weeks ago yesterday (22 March, 2019).

We move into the new house on Friday (29 March, 2019), six weeks after sale confirmation went through, 2 months after we first began thinking abut moving. It’s been a full five weeks since we had confirmation of the sale on this property and everything had been sorted on the new one, and it still hasn’t sunk in. It’s still very raw, very fake and very pretend, I don’t think I really realise that it’s real yet, I don’t think I will until everything is out of this house and in the new one. (Oh, btw, I will be posting empty house tours on my other blog when we’re moving, sometime at the start of April, so keep an eye out for those!!!)

The place that we are moving to is a two story town house thing. It’s in a small town about 15 minutes away from the place I go to school and my mother works, there is a bus that goes from my school to the house. The actual place we are moving to is on a 900m2 piece of land, mostly taken up by the building and concreted areas. The house is nice, it has a small kitchen, large living areas, six bedrooms, two bathrooms, three toilets, a small laundry and a garage out the back. That’s it in short. There are a few other things there too (Harry Potter closet, linen cupboards and the like) but that is it. There is a small grassed area out the front and another out the back, a bunch of gardens, an outdoor barbecue area and a small grassy strip down the side of the house. It’s on a street just off the main road, about 50 metres or so down and it’s surrounded on all sides by more houses and a road.
I know that it sounds like a house a lot of people live in, and it’s actually nice, and yes, I’ll admit all of that, but for me, it’s a huge change. There’s not enough land for me to bring most of my animals and I’m having to make decisions as to which animals I am going to taking, and which I am going to be leaving behind.


We move in on Friday, we leave here on Friday. There is a drive of a little over an hour between the two places which is good, but it’s still hard.

For now, this is my update post, I have a bunch more scheduled to be up in the next few days (one every two days). They will all be about this same sort of thing, so stick around for that! That’s all for now!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous posts:
Moving On #1

Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety | A Raw Chat

Welcome.

I want to put a trigger warning here to just say that this post may be triggering to some people. It covers very raw subjects and I will not be holding back about what happened to me in this time.

TW: ANXIETY ATTACKS


Let’s cut straight to the chase. The lack of stability in my life currently, led to the biggest anxiety attack I have ever had, last Wednesday. I had an anxiety attack in class last Wednesday that was so bad that the school sent me home and my parents didn’t allow me back the next day. It was really, really bad.

So I don’t know much about what happened that day, Wednesday. What I know so far is as follows:

  • I was in maths and all was fine.
  • I got to my form class and all was fine
  • I began shaking and my heart rate jumped from 86bpm to 110bpm within a few minutes
  • the bell signalling the end of class rung and I ran out of class. By this point, my heart rate was 122bpm and I was shaking so badly I could bearly walk.
  • I met up with a friend and couldn’t speak clearly, I was stuttering
  • within a few minutes, I was full on crying and could bearly make out a word
  • I rang my mother but she didn’t answer so I rung my father and asked him to ring the school and get me a counsellors appointment ASAP
  • he did that and then sent me to the school office and told me he’d pick me up in 30 minutes
  • I don’t know anything after that. He picked me up and I wrote out the first 100 Fibonacci numbers. I was full on shaking and my heart rate reached 177bpm at some point.

I don’t know anything else. I don’t know what happened in those 30 minutes, I really don’t. I got home sometime later and talked to a friend for a while. What happened after that was fine and there wasn’t really an issue. It took me until 7pm to get my heart rate down to about 90bpm. This anxiety attack happened at about 10am.


Okay, so we have the basics down. I had an anxiety attack. I got taken home from school. Now we proceed onto a few things I have in my brain right now and just want to get out.

Why did this happen? What caused it? Was there a certain trigger? How did I not pick up on it? How come only one person in my class picked up on it? Why wasn’t I able to control it? Is there someone who can help me with this? Is there a way that I can help myself with this? Will it happen again? What will happen if it happens again? Will it be worse next time?

I want to very quickly run through answers to those questions.

It happened because of a whole bunch of instability in my life. It was triggered by people who have hurt me and are continuing to do so. I didn’t pick up on it because I thought it was fine. That one person picked up on it because she cares and she may be the only one. I wasn’t able to control it because I thought I had it under control. I thought I wasn’t going to have anxiety attacks again. There is someone who can help me, but they’re not the school counsellor, that’s for sure. I don’t know how I can help myself yet.
The last three questions are scaring me. Because I don’t know the answers. I don’t know any of that.


If it happens again, my guess is that it will be worse. If I have a panic attack, a mental breakdown, that bad again, it will be worse than this one. I know it. Even though it hasn’t happened and no one’s told me that.
If this happens again, and I know it will, I know it will happen again, I don’t know what will happen. All I know is the consequences of it, next time, could be fatal. Possibly. What will happen next time this happens is not going to be good. At all. For anyone. It may end it me doing something dumb, a spur of the moment thing, and doing something to hurt myself. And the consequences of that could be fatal. Because with my levels of depression, anything could happen. I know what’s happened in the past, what almost happened last time, I know that if it gets worse, things could happen. And they wouldn’t be good.

If I knew how to deal with it, I would. But I can’t, Not now at least. I have no stability at the moment. I have no stable friendships, no stable goals, no stable life. Okay, this is going to sound real dumb, but I kinda wanna date someone who will just keep me grounded. So I can say that I have a stable friendship, so I have someone who I can just go ‘OMG you’re here, it’s okay. I’m okay’ because that’s what happened last year when I dated someone. I Felt like I had a grounding. Someone to ground me. So if any of y’all wanna come out of the closet and agree to date me, that’d be wonderful! (in all seriousness, I really just want someone to be able to do that around, partner or not, I just want someone like that. BUT THAT’S UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN!!!)

look, we all know it, when i’m in a really bad headspace, i can’t say anything serious. it’s an issue.


So I don’t really know. This was really confusing but I think it was just me chatting about everything and getting it all off my chest. As well as asking someone to date me! Or pretend to date me! Or just be there for me when I need them! But none of that’s going to happen, so that’s okay!

Yes. I had my biggest ever anxiety attack last week and would like to use that as my excuse for not having posted for the last while. I have also been keeping no food in my system, dealt with severe stomach cramps and pains whenever I’ve eaten, haven’t been exercising, have been listening to real depressing music and have been sleeping an average of 3 hours a night. I have no routine to my life! But that’s fine and I’m doing great!

I don’t know what to say here! Comment something if you want, or don’t. You do you boo. It’s all up to you!

peace out ma dudes!
emily xo

Some Number of Never Asked Questions Challenge | Can You Tell I Have Nothing to Post?!

Howdy

I have nothing to post because I have a few big, giant huge post ideas and posts in the making and they’re taking longer than expected. And I’m also dealing with school and shitty mental health and shitty friends. So I’m sorry if I’m not really posting often. Right now it’s late and I want to get this out before midnight so I’m posting this. It ought to be fun.

Let us begin


What’s your favorite candle scent?
Vanillaaa, it’s so nice and relaxing and soothing and good for my mental health

How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?
Um, some age. I really don’t want to get married unless I find someone who I really, really, really like. Like, a lot.

Do you know a hoarder?
Meee! But other than that, no. I don’t think so. Maybe.

Can you do a split?
Yeup. Both a right and a middle split

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
Funny story. I was six and the only reason I learnt was so I wasn’t the last person in my class to do so. I did it.

What would you name your daughter if you had one?
Alexis, Nika or Emery

What would you name your son if you had one?
The same as for the daughterrr

What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
Dora the Explorer, I would wake up at the specific time of it just to watch it when I was little. I don’t know why though

Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
Yeup. The first two were good and the last was the worst series I think I may have ever read. Ever. And that’s saying a lot.

Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
Obviously a British one, sorry not sorry.

Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
I would like to know who doesn’t so then I can go and smack them.

Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
Grey. Gray. Grey. It depends on where I am and how I feel and how my brain is working and whether or not I’m getting my a’s and e’s and p’s and b’s confused or not. But usually grey.

What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
We love this question on here. Were I born a boy I would have been called Scott Paaris but I’m not a girl so??? who knows?

If you have a nickname, what is it?
The majority of my friends call me Luka, so maybe that?

Do you eat breakfast every morning?
Nope. I never eat breakfast. I drink iced tea or coffee and an uncaffinated tea and take some vitamins and then don’t eat until I”m hungry. About 12pm.

Where do you buy your jeans?
Wherever’s the cheapest place lol.

What’s the last compliment you got?
That my hair looked really nice. By some random person in the supermarket. It felt kinda nice.

What flavor tea do you enjoy?
Ya wanna know? Chamomile, chamomile and passionfruit, green tea and jasmine, peppermint, red bush, vanilla and chamomile, most things with chamomile, most things with vanilla, ginger and lemon, green tea with ginger, the list goes onnn

How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
Four. It’s real annoying, I kinda want more than that. But hey, we live with what we got kiddles.


So so so…that’s the end of that. I don’t know how many questions that was but hey, it was lots of fun. At 11pm. Now to do some random stuff and then read a book and then go to bed. And then wake up and go to school. What a fun life I live kiddlesss! Adios frens!

peace out ma dudes!
emily

HI, BONJOUR, HOLA | A reintroduction post because no one on here seems to know who I am

Bonjour, hola, hi. I’m reintroducing myself because I’m bored, want to post and stuck in a motel room! What fun. Also this may have something to do with the fact that pretty much no one knows anything about me because my About page was updated about 12 months ago and the only introduction post I’ve ever done was the first post on here which was approximately 251 posts ago.

And now I’m here and I’m going to be doing this thing. Because I can and I have no motivation to do anything but it. Please enjoy very much.

*swirly thing that moves all my writing on so you know that this is no longer the intro*

shwooooooooooooooosh

Ah, there it is. (look kids, I just took that picture, be proud of me. the quality is absolutely awful, it was taken on my laptop) Right. Now to actually begin.

I actually don’t know what tf I’m doing, so I’m going to go Google (YouTube???) and search for people doing introduction videos and shit for the next 15 minutes.

*back from my 2 hour search for these videos with lots of information*

Okay, so I have lots of ideas now. Not really but hey, let’s just do this.

According to all these YouTube videos I need to be wearing a cropped, off the shoulder shirt. I’m wearing that. I also need to be wearing jeans. Which I’m not. But I am sitting on a bed which is good. With that all being said, my favourite video I saw was one of this super cute girl in super cute clothing just doing some fun stuff and being super excited and I loved her. She was fun and enthusiastic like me and I loved that so much. But still, none of that was actually good. Let’s do this from now on.

Hmmm, maybe I need to do another thing and make this a second intro. Let’s do that.


My kids. Welcome.

My name, is Emily. Spelt with an ‘E’ at the start and a ‘y’ at the end. Not an ‘A’ at the start and an ‘ie’ at the end. E-M-I-M-I-M-I-L-Y. That’s out of the way now. So yes.

Bonjour, hola, hi.

I was born in the lovely New Zealand in two-thousanddddddddddd and fourrrrrrrrrrrrr. If you aren’t any good at maths that means I am 15 this year which is freaking scary. Insanely freaking scary. It also means that next year I can get my restricted and I will be able to drive an actual car. Which is extra super scary. So yes, I will be an old human on Juillet 8 this year. (if you speak no language that means July, you idiot. in French) So I grew up in Christchurch in the South Island of New Zealand and when I was eight I moved to Somewhere in the North Island of New Zealand. Somewhere is the place I now live. In all honesty, I live near the bottom of the North Island in the middle and my famdamily aims to move soon. I will continue to keep you all updated on this shit as it happens.

In short, I am 14 and live in the North Island of New Zealand.

But anyway my house and shit and things like that. I live on a random little mini farm thing and we own lots of animals and things that will all need to be sold when we move. Which is all Gucci. So I own some darling animals, I own my beautiful baby bunnies (all 6 of them currently, 3 babies and 3 adults) and I breed them to not be a broke teen and buy a laptop. Their names are Jane[Doe], Talitha and something else for the breeding buns (I have an unnamed male bun, yes) and Kisses, Ice and Spice for the bubba buns. They’re freaking adorable and I NEED YOU TO BUY THEM BECAUSE NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO. I also own one kitty cat who’s name is Sparkle Diamond Lovehert Snowflake and y’all can judge all you want because I was 5 when I named her. I own some beautiful cows, I own a beautiful cow creature who is very big and bootiful (my boo) and is called Bamberooni because when she was teeny tiny she was brown with white specks and looked like Bambi from, y’know, Bambi. Then I have Boombi’s calf who’s name is Floozle or Furie and another bubba cow who’s name is Fred. And she’s my favourite thing in the entire world. (yes we completely ruined fucking gender stereotybes and named her Fred) And that’s pretty much all the animals I own. I also do love my little baby Dave who is not so much of a baby but a cow and not mine but I raised him so he’s mine.

In short, we own lots of animals and I love them all.

Hmm, so apparently I really ought to deal with the small matter of family. I really ought to talk to you about my family. So I shall do that right now. Also please note that that was a joke and I really am going to cover my family. So I have two sisterz. two teeny tiny little child sisterz. With a zzzzzzz. They are young children and they are 6 or 7 on Saturday and the other child is 9 and their names are Briar and Tiara Tara and they’re both so incredibly annoying because they’re so young and I’m so olddddddddd. But hey I have siblings and we’re good at fighting and arguing and screaming and it’s all good. I also have parentals who are old and stuff. One parent is my mother and the other is my father and I live with them and stuff. Anyway they don’t want their ages online (lmao why not?) but their names are Andi and Adrian for your information.

In short, I have two sisters called Tara and Briar and two parents called Andi and Adrian.

Now, me. Let’s begin some things with me. I am very boring. I go to an all girls’ school over an hour away from my house in the city that my mother works in which is why we’re moving. So that’s some fun. I’m going into year 10 and if someone can please do some things in the comments to translate this to some different country year/grade things that’d be great. But I’m going into my second year of high school. Now, now. I’m taking the year 11 maths course too because I like maths and stuff and am taking an accelerate maths course which means big exams this year. I’m a nerd. I might do a post at some point about my school + school life and that’ll happen then and you’ll learn about me school.

In short, I go to an all girls’ school, am in my second year and am taking a third year maths course because I’m a nerd.

Some more about me now. I’m a queer teen and have an attraction to girls and feminine non-binary human beans. I haven’t ‘really” dated anyone before and stuff like that and if you want to know more about that comment. I don’t know how else to identify other than that romantic attraction wise. I have a lot of aesthetic and platonic attraction and crushes and I love them a lot and would like to have some internet friends. Please be my friend. I identify gender-wise as non-binary and I use they/them pronouns. I have been doing so for about 6 months now and feel really comfortable with them. Pretty much I don’t identify or feel like I am a girl or a boy so please, please, please don’t call me one. I suffer from a whole lot of chest dysphoria and hate my chest and love wearing huge clothing to hide it *is wearing a tight crop top lmao* and would really like a binder but don’t have the guts to tell my parents. I also don’t have the guts to tell them that I hate them telling me that I’m a daughter, sister, girl, lady etc.. But that’s a fun thing.

In short, I am attracted to feminine people and use they/them pronouns and it’s also confirmed that I’m a very large coward.

More about me lmao. Quick things are that I suffer from a few mental illnesses and sometimes…see a school counsellor and haven’t the guts to tell my parents that I would like to actually see a therapist. I have depression, anxiety and social anxiety, I also have a huge issue with both body image and eating disorders (anorexia mainly) and sleeping which is fun. I post a whole bunch about that on here which is great. I don’t want to do so much.

In short, I have depression, social anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia and anorexia.

We’re going to end this post (mainly because it’s 11.47pm and my mother in in the room behind me and I’m in a motel room) on my ambitions for this blog. Ambitions for this blog and posts I’m going to be doing from now on.

So I would really like to be posting about music more because I love music I also want to be doing some more fun with my story and characters and I want to start doing some fun little tags and stuff with these characters just to you get to know them all a bit better. I want to stop doing so much about mental health and LGBTQ+ stuff because I feel like I post too much about that stuff and I don’t enjoy it much. I might do one or two of those every month which is great. I also want to post more about some reading and books as well as goals and stuff on here. I also want to do some more sorta craft, cooking, bullet journal (because I’m getting one of those), fashion, school and room tours and stuff like that but I think that’s all too much for at least this blog and I’m going to start up a new blog (on this account because I’m awful at other accounts) and I’m going to chuck all of that on here. It will also mean that y’all aren’t going to have a post every two days, rather a post every four days on here and the same on there. But those are my goals for here.

In short, I’m posting about writing, reading, gay, depression, goals and music and starting a new blog for bullet journalling, craft, fashion, school, organisation and cooking shit.

this is an actual real life photo of me in life

Now please note that I entirely cover my depression and intense emotional wreck in humour and faux comedy. Also sarcasm. SO yes. Love me or leave me.


So that my dears was the end of that. You now know some more about me and I am now going to go and do some editing shit on here and make a cover image, insert some pictures of me, add some fun tags and actually post this thing. Then I might update my fun about page but that might also happen tomorrow. that’s going to happen tomorrow because I’m a lazy bastard and ain’t gonna do that at, oh, oh wait. It’s 12.01. AM. So I’m going to do all this stufff today and do the stuff with my About page sometime in the later stages of the day. The morning.

I’ve just realised how incredibly boring this is and how uncomedic this post is which surprises me. I think it was probably because I was super tired and it was super late when I posted this. But then again today I’m feeling the same way today but it’s early. That’s fun though.

In short, I need to edit and add shit to this and go to bed because it’s early in the morning and I need to do that shit and then I’m going to do everything else later today.

So here’s a fun thing. I’ve worked for four hours to write this post. It is now 12.00 noon the next day and I’m going to do some editing now and that’s a lot of fun. I will spend the next fifteen minutes editing this and then at about 11pm I’ll finish is which is great fun.

Update: it’s 8:40 pm and I’ve just finished this and I’m now going to add some fun tags and then schedule it for the time you’ll see it which is 1 minute past midnight.

see you in the next post!
emily xo

Dear 2018 | Bye-Bye 2018

Dear 2018,

Thank you. Thank you for being there, for being a year in my life. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for teaching me so much. Both about myself and the world. Thank you for letting me grow. Thank you for giving me the courage to keep going. Thank you for giving me experiences I will remember forever. Thank you for giving me insight into what is going on in my head. Thank you for everything, 2018.

Thank you 2018

You made me cry. You made me hurt. You made me not want to go on. But you let me go on. I made it to here, and I didn’t think I would. I didn’t think I would be here now, still breathing, my train still running along its tracks. I didn’t think I would be able to make it to here, because it hurt too much. But you gave me things to get me here.
You made me laugh. You made me smile. You made me remember why I was here. I opened myself up to people and made new friends. I didn’t think people would see me as they do, but it would seem they do. I didn’t think I would be able to laugh as I did, because I didn’t think that happiness would be there. But you gave me things to make me happy.

You taught me about myself, about who I was. About what I wanted. You taught me about the world, about how much reality hurt. You taught me about love, about how I don’t need romance to be happy like the movies say. You taught me about people, about how people can be harsh and horrible. You taught me about secrecy, about how secrets can really hurt everyone. You taught me about things that hurt me, about triggers and fears.
You taught me to love people, to love the people who matter. You taught me to forget the people who hurt me, to remove them from my life. You taught me to follow my dream, to do the things I want. You taught me to let go of the past, to enjoy what’s coming.

You taught me that it’s okay to hurt, that it’s okay to be in pain. You taught me that it’s okay to ask for help, that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You taught me that there are people out there who will love me, that there are people who care about me. You taught me that smiling is okay, that it’s nice sometimes. You taught me that crying is a human thing, that it’s okay to cry. You taught me that it’s okay to be different, that it’s okay to embrace that. You taught me that people will hurt me, that it’s okay and I will get through. You taught me that it’s okay to tell people that they’re hurting me, that it’s okay to not be able to take what they have to say to you. You taught me that I am not going to be treated the same by everyone, that people will treat me differently.
You taught me that it’s okay to open up, that it’s okay to put myself out for criticism. You taught me that it’s okay to talk about my feelings, that it’s okay to talk to people. You taught me that internet friends can support me just as much as friends in real life, that people don’t have to be with me to support me. You taught me that I can be myself and people will love me for it.

You gave me the music that shaped me this year. You gave me tutors to help me grow into what I am now. You gave me friends to never forget. You gave me classes that made me laugh. You gave me people to love with all my heart. You gave me memories to remember forever. You gave me help to improve myself. You gave me courage to express myself as I want. You gave me smiles to stay positive. You gave me sunshine and plants to brighten my life. You gave me love to pass onto those who matter. You gave me hope that the world will be better. You gave me knowledge to share. You gave me sunsets to end beautiful days. You gave me places to keep my memories safe forever. You gave me things to always remember, and people to never forget.

The sunsets over the hills. The walks through the shops. The photos in the park. The hours in the sun. The paintings on the walls. The jogs through the streets. The words on the pages. The meals by the water. The smiles with friends. The home stretch sprints. The flowers on the trees. The balls over the net. The quizzes in class. The split competitions. The ‘ballroom’ dancing. The birds over my head. The goals met. The dreams kept. The hope to keep going. The love to spread. The colours to mix. The people to love me. The music in the car. The tears in offices. The lights of the city. The stars over the water. The paint on skins. The moon at 3am. The songs on the stage. The snow in Spring. The cupcakes and chats. The cats over Instagram. The numbers in books. The calls into the morning. The handstands in skirts. The celebrations of awards. The times spent together. The friends I made.
The things I will take into 2019. The memories, the joy, the emotion. The love.

The memories made. The promises kept. The secrets told.

Thank you 2018. For everything you did for me.

emily. xo

Completed 2018 Goals? | Bye-Bye 2018 | What I Did and Didn’t Do in 2018

Hmmm, looking back on the post I wrote on January 1st, 2018, almost exactly a year ago, I’m kind of sad. Screw that, I’m very, very sad. I feel like I say this every year, but I really did mature so much last year. I matured and I stopped doing things. And I really hate that. Heck, it’s 10:31am and I’m crying because of that post last year, I really am. I’m emotional, I’m sorry.

The post from last year was a list of goals I wanted to achieve in 2018. And the reason I’m sad, well, t’s because I didn’t achieve many of them. Most of them. And that disappoints me, because my self-worth, that relies entirely on what I achieve. And I feel crap because I didn’t do the majority of the things I set for myself to do. So yes. Let us begin this very emotional post.

The goals I set for myself were goals I thought I could accomplish, SMART goals as I called them in the post. They weren’t smart. We’ll come to why they weren’t smart later, but first, the goals and whether or not I achieved them.


Running:

Improve 1500m time to below 5 minutes 30 seconds. Nope, I didn’t accomplish this goal. I got to 5 minutes 31 second I believe, but not below that. So no.

Improve calf strength. Nope. Not at all, calf strength went out the window.

Improve core strength. Yes. Yes, I did accomplish this goal, I worked on core strength, improved it, and am stronger in my core now. Yay.

Do pronation stretches daily. Nope. This failed, the stretches hurt me too much and I just stopped doing them within the first 3 weeks of the year.

Blogging:

Reach 300+ followers. Yes, thank you guys so much for 355!

Post more writing. Yes, I think that it’s fair to say that I posted more writing last year than the one before!

Do a collab. Well, um, no. I’m really sorry to Andrea who I wanted to do a collab with and just never got around to organising it, sometime this year, I promise!

Do a guest post. No. This didn’t happen, I didn’t plan one either.

Hold an event/challenge/contest. No. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?

Writing:

Finish WIP. Lol, no. I reworked it and changed the entire thing 6 times, and I thought I could still finish it. Lol, not done.

Write daily. I’ll come back to why this was a bad goal soon, but no. No, I did not write daily (on my novel at least)

Come up with a title for WIP. Yes. Well, it’s called Just Let Me Love You, so yes, I think I came up with a name.

Finish outfit designs for WIP. Um, what? No. I don’t even know what this means now. No, I did not ‘finish outfit designs for WIP’. Not in the slightest.

Reading:

Discover new books. Yes. I did read and discover new books, and I liked them too.

Read more variety. I also did this. Yes. Yes, I did this.

Read 100 books. My total for last year stands at 39 books. No, this did not happen. Sorry 2018 Emily with your amazing SMART goals.

Use Goodreads. I have Goodreads, I didn’t use Goodreads. I deleted all my books from Goodreads to begin again this year.

Write more reviews. I think I wrote 2? Maybe 1? No, didn’t happen.

Art:

Crochet a blanket. Lol, this is like the book goal, 2017 and 18 goal still not done. No, I didn’t crochet a blanket.

Design more outfits. Haha, nope.

Finish a cross stitch. I actually did this! Yes! It’s a Little Mermaid one that I’m going to gift to my sister for her birthday.

Redesign bedroom. Redesign? No. Redecorate? Yes. I redecorated my room, how I expected to redesign it, I don’t know.

Draw more. Yes. I actually did this. I drew a lot more in the second half of the year!

Life:

Smile more. Lol, how was I meant to measure this? Sometimes I smiled a lot, when around friends, but in general I didn’t smile a lot. So I think the answer is no.

Sleep better. I mean, during the night, no, during the first half of the year, no, but as school came to an end and I was just too dead and depressed to do anything, I did end up sleeping in the car for about 2 hours a day? So yes??? No??? Maybe.

Procrastinate less. No. I procrastinated more than ever.

Stay motivated. No. I did not stay motivated, this is why I have just ordered myself a bullet journal to arrive in time for school. I’ll show you when I get it.

Become more organised. I actually stayed more organised last year, so yes.

Spend more time outside. No. We’ll come to why soon.

Don’t get too stressed/anxious. What. The. Heck. Was I thinking? No, I became more stressed and anxious, not less.

Stretch daily. Hmm, let me think. No.

Try yoga. Not in the slightest. Maybe this year?

Make new friends. I kinda had to? Starting a new school and all? Yes, I made new friends.

Continue to eat healthier. No. What I said last year was a lie too, I wasn’t eating healthily. If you’ve been following me since April, you will know that I have an eating disorder and so no, am not eating healthily, or continuing too for that matter.

Drink more water. I mean, I drunk more water than 2017? So yes.

Big, Overall Goals:

Finish what I start. Yeah, no. This didn’t happen most of the time. No.

Challenge/Push myself. I actually think I did this, so yes, yes I did this.


Well, that’s over. We now know what I did and did not do in 2018. Out of the things I planned to do. So 13.5/37. I did over a third of them. But no, this wasn’t good. This wasn’t good enough, and I hate it. So yes. That’s the percentage. Now into why I really was not able to do most of these things.

A whole bunch of these goals, most of them, did not take into consideration the fact that my school is about an hour and a half drive away so I would be spending about 3 hours in the car. My school goes for almost 7 hours and I have to walk back to the place I stay after school. I have 12 hour days. And I expected to do all of the things I wanted to do daily, as well as this, and homework? This just wasn’t going to work. And running? I couldn’t do that. Because I really didn’t have enough time to.

I couldn’t have: run, stretched, done yoga, written, drawn, smiled, been outside, strength trained, crocheted, read, blogged AND done homework everyday. It’s actually not possible with my commute and school. I mean, half of this stuff is going to take me over half an hour, blogging for one takes me almost an hour every time I just want to write a post, if not longer. Depending on the class, we can have up to an hour of homework per class. I really didn’t think anything through.

And the stress, procrastination, organisation, motivation, sleep, water, eating? Really? I was going into my first year of high school for goodness sake! I wasn’t going to be able to ‘stress less’ when I have anxiety and was going into a completely new environment. What did I think it would be like? That’s what I want to know? Did I think there would be no homework, no issues with people? Really? Because there are. There are a lot of those things, and other things.

Procrastination? Really? The most dramatic person, the best procrastinator ever and I expected not to procrastinate. Okay, that’s good.

I’m just, really angry at myself for setting these goals, that were so blatantly bad and unachievable. I rely on success to measure my self-worth, and these things so stopped me from doing that. I wasn’t able to achieve them and I feel so bad now, able myself.

But hey, that’s over, 2018 is over, and now I have a checklist of simple, reasonably little things that I can do over the next year. To reboost my self-worth. I’m going to go now, before I get too upset and have another mental breakdown. Goodbye.

We love self-deprecating, very personal post here if you’re new. It’s a regular occurrence, me crying while writing a post!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

52 Things to Do in 2019 | Bye-Bye 2018 | Not Goals, Things to Do

WELCOME TO 2019 EVERYONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

If you are yet to have had your new year yet, we are 9 hours and 51 minutes into it at this stage, but I hope your one is very good and you don’t get too spooked by the fireworks. But yeah, that’s my Happy New Year note, I hope you had/have a good one! Tell me what you did in the comments, I’d love that, especially if it was more exciting than watching The Fate of the Furious at home with your parents lmao, no complaints here at alllllllll.

But anyway, this post is not about what we did at the curb of new years, it’s about what I want to do in 2019. This list is not going to be split up into parts as it was last year, but it’s just going to be a list, very quick and easy so I can look back upon this post and check them off one by one. Sound good? Sounds good! Let’s go!

  1. get through the year alive
  2. begin to deal with my mental health issues
  3. begin eating better
  4. get rid of the toxic people in my life
  5. spend more time with the people who really matter
  6. make a new friend
  7. make a new internet friend from a different country
  8. spend more time outside
  9. buy a new laptop
  10. work on my art
  11. go on a date, friend or romantic
  12. have a picnic in the Square with a friend
  13. have a fun photoshoot
  14. get better at photography
  15. work on self-care
  16. learn to play ukulele
  17. spend time with old friends
  18. read 100 books
  19. spend less time on social media
  20. reduce the amount of yarn in my yarn box
  21. begin to make my own clothing
  22. go to a school social event
  23. blog three (3) times a week
  24. conquer my fear of water and rain
  25. dance in the rain
  26. reach 500 blog followers
  27. post more lifestyle posts
  28. find lactose free recipes!
  29. get into new music
  30. read a bigger variety of books
  31. go to a concert
  32. find people who make me happy
  33. get good exam results
  34. take notes in all classes
  35. learn a new skill
  36. pick up five (5) unicycle tricks
  37. focus on the big things
  38. remember the little, important things
  39. start bullet journalling
  40. take time to myself
  41. finish the first draft of my novel
  42. establish a good skincare routine
  43. improve on strength
  44. sleep better
  45. create a photo wall
  46. ring a friend once a week
  47. become more confident
  48. let go of the people in the past
  49. do something really crazy
  50. do something to embarrass myself
  51. be happier
  52. laugh more

So so, that my my list of thing to do in 2018! I’m going to do one of these every season, a list of 52 things to do in that season, I think it will be a whole lot of fun!

I’ll be back in two days with another of these posts! Until then, stay safe, love yourself and smile ma dudes!

see you in the next post!
emily xo