Top 10 Books of All Time | Can You Tell I’m Grasping for Ideas??? But it’s BOOKS!!!

Aloha.

this is the third time I have written out this post and each time it has been different. Let’s see if I can get it to work this time, a full 24 hours after I started writing and this was due up. I actually forgot what I was meant to be writing about and now I have remembered. SO. For today we have a book post because I’m out of ideas, I’m also tired, bored and watching our neighbour cook dinner from my window while talking to my crush. I’m going to be talking about books to take my mind off the fact that I just want someone to snuggle with because I’m cold and tired and I just want a girlfriend. So this is a list of the best books I have read. Ever. Onwards we go.


Six of Crows | Leigh Bardugo

This is the best book ever. I love it so much. It’s fantastic and so amazingly well written and just the best book ever. If you have not read it, please do. I love it and the characters are my children. Just go read it.

Crooked Kingdom | Leigh Bardugo

The sequel to Six of Crows, amazing, fantastic, beautiful, the best things ever. It’s all very gay. One of my best friends and I may or may not be writing a fanfiction on the series. Equally as good as the first one, which is big for a book.

War Storm | Victoria Aveyard

Fantastic, amazing, this is possibly the best way to end this series, I loved it so much. I would highly recommend the entire Red Queen series, but this one was my favourite. It doesn’t make sense without the rest of the series though.

The Art of Being Normal | Lisa Williamson

I have read this about 12 times and have enjoyed it the same amount every time. It’s an absolutely fantastic book that covered transgender rights and issues perfectly. Lisa Williamson has certainly done her research.

The Last Time We Say Goodbye | Cynthia Hand

This was a book that had the ability to have been triggering to me. It wasn’t. It was a beautifully crafted, well written book covering the aftermath of suicides. The entire book was fantastically well written and perfect.

Scarlet | Melissa Meyer

This was my favourite of the entire Lunar Chronicles series. It was so amazing to read and I just loved it so much. Just yes.

Magnus Case and the Ship of the Dead | Rick Riordan

It’s gay, it has a pansexual MC, a genderfluid love interest, death, adventure and goodness. Need I say any more?

The Boy at the Top of the Mountain | John Boyne

This is a super good book that covers a lot of WWII. It’s super good and really beautiful and sad and yes.

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief | Rick Riordan

The beginning of the Percy Jackson universe. What else do I need to say to persuade you?

Simon vs. The Homo Sapien Agenda | Becky Albertalli

It’s gay. It’s gay. It’s gay. The end of the reason I like this.
But really, it’s super good. I love it.


And that is the end of me being a blanket cocoon, very gay for someone, very cold, tired and bored. I might go to bed now that it’s like,,,11pm. Goodnight.

ALSO! BOOKS! GIVE ME RECOMMENDATIONS, FAVOURITES, ALL THE LIKE. PLEASE. LOVE Y’ALL LOTS.

goodnight children,
emily xo

The Meaning to Pride Flags | First Gay Post of the Year!

Bonjour

I feel better than I did the other day when I ranted on that now deleted post. All is good now.

I got a request from my very lovely friend Erin about a month ago (it may have been longer) to do a post explaining the meaning of the ‘main’ pride flags and explaining what they are. I know that a lot of people will come at me for the ones I choose to include, but these are the pride flags I understand and think are the most valid pride flags and gender/sexualities that people need to know about.

Heterosexuality will not be included I’m sorry because that’s not part of the LGBTQ+ acronym and we all know that it means straight.

Let’s go.


The gay pride flag

The first flag I would like to introduce is the gay pride flag. This is the rainbow flag that often symbolizes the LGBT community as a whole, but it is actually the gay pride flag. The pride flag symbolizing men loving men.

This flag is the lesbian pride flag. It symbolizes the community of women who love women.

Next, we have the bisexual pride flag. This symbolizes the community of people who have an attraction to two genders, often their own and another.

This flag is the pansexual pride flag. It symbolizes the community of people who are attracted to a person regardless of gender. Pansexuals are often described as ‘gender blind’ meaning they don’t see a person’s gender, instead the person.

The demisexual pride flag

The demisexual pride flag is very similar to the asexual pride flag. It is there for the people who feel sexual attraction only after a strong bond has been formed with someone. Please note that this attraction is not towards everyone, just some.

The asexual pride flag

This is the asexual pride flag. It’s there for people who don’t feel or experience sexual attraction or desire. These people can feel romantic attraction though and are often called ‘ace’ for short.

This is the aromantic pride flag, sometimes the yellow stripe is white. Aroantics feel no romantic attraction towards people but may feel sexual attraction. This romantic orientation is also known as ‘aro’.

A person who feels neither sexual or romantic attraction is known as ‘aro-ace’.

Onto genders now, I feel that those sexualities are the most common and most useful to know, I’m sorry if you follow me and identify with another sexuality not included, you are valid, I just do not have the room to put all the sexualities on here.


Transgender is pretty self-explanatory. It is the flag that represents the community of people in this world who do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, these people do not have to have gone from one end of the gender spectrum to the other, however, to be classified, transgender. This is also shortened to trans*.

This is the nonbinary pride flag. It is not as commonly seen as many or any of the others here. The nonbinary pride flag is for those trans people who do not identify as neither female nor male and use pronouns other than ‘she/her’ or ‘he/him’. Please note that these people may identify as another gender but the overlying gender identity is ‘nonbinary’, they may also use ‘binary’ pronouns at certain times.

The last pride flag I would like to include today is the genderfluid pride flag. It is the flag for the people who have a changing gender, this means that they may identify as male one day, female the next and nonbinary the day after. Some genderfluid people use gender-neutral pronouns like they/them or tell people what their pronouns are daily.


Once again I would like to say that I mean no offence to people whose identities I did not include in here but I wanted to keep this an unbiased post and if I went into more genders and sexualities I would begin to differ from what I have on here, an unbiased approach. There are also far too many different orientations and identities for me to fit into one post, but if you would like to know more there is a Wikipedia post with many more identities on it that you can find upon looking up ‘pride flags’ on Google.


So I hope this post was enjoyable and educational, to be honest it wasn’t what I was wanting to post today but I decided to go ahead with it because I’m lacking motivation which is why this was not very well written. The post I was hoping to have up will hopefully be up in a few days when it’s done!

If you couldn’t tell I’m in a mental space that is not very good which is why I have been ranting a lot more, I apologise for that and would like to say that I really appreciated the kind words people left on my now deleted rant. This post was really to get me in a better headspace as it meant I had to be completely neutrally minded and write in a slightly more formal way for the majority of the pos. If you see any posts similar to this (in writing style) in the future that will probably be the reason why, because I need a little bit of time to reset my thoughts.

But I hope you enjoyed this. If there are any more post requests or things you would like to talk about or that you would like to know more about, feel free to comment them! For times when I’m lacking motivation, ideas are super helpful!

editing emily here, just wanted to say, look at that featured image, just look at it. could it get much more rainbow than that?! i think not!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

I’m Scared

Okay, I’ve been putting this post off for a while now, always afraid of the backlash it would have. But now this whole thing has reached breaking point and I’m writing about it. Being transgender in this current day and age is scary. Let’s just start with that.

Everywhere I look at the moment I am bombarded with this whole scary reality. The reality that my identity is slowly being erased. I log into Instagram and am hit with the latest news about Trump’s policy on transgender rights. And every time I see it, I break down crying because it is too scary. I live on the other side of the world. I have no real reason to be scared. But I am. Because America is the country leading the world. And America is the trendsetter, anything America does, the rest of the world follows in it’s footsteps. America begins something and in weeks it’s around the whole world. This one policy, it impacts us all. Everywhere. And that is what scares me.

It scares me that the world is trying to erase me from existence. There was an incident in class the other day when someone wrote a story and used they/them pronouns and was told that they had to change them to get the highest grade. That the usage of those pronouns was the only thing that had taken their mark down. Our English teacher told them this. The same English teacher who heard me give a second speech in which I said that my gender changed but I used they/them pronouns for ease. I felt so erased in that class. I felt like I wasn’t real. I felt as though the world didn’t accept me for who I am. The world doesn’t accept me for who I am. And that is what scares me.

It scares me that my own community often doesn’t believe in any genders other than male, female and nonbinary. That my community does not believe in agender or genderfluid. The community that I have always looked to for support. It now is not supporting me for who I am. The community I have always felt at home in now does not accept me for who I am. And that is what scares me.

I came out without really saying anything in class the other day and my class is the only bunch of people who really accept me. They’re the only people who give me a hug when I need one, who ask me what pronouns I’m using, who make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. My class has been trying to rename me jokingly and it makes me so happy to know that I’m accepted by some people.

But then I get out of school and am shocked back into reality when I open Instagram and see that yet another transgender woman has been shot dead. That another policy has been passed allowing schools to expel students for being gay (congrats Australia. well done). When I see this I can do nothing but cry. Because I am being forced out of the world. My identity is being seen by everyone around me in the online world as fake. It’s being seen as a cry for attention. And that’s not it. And that is what scares me.

I didn’t think there were any tears left. But I was wrong. When I opened Instagram after just an hour, two hours off it and saw when I opened the first story that yet another woman had died, I cried. Again. And I cried for another full hour. Because so much is going on. And it hurts me. It hurts my community. But I don’t want to be a part of that community anymore. Because that’s hurting me too. They/them/their pronouns are not seen as valid by our world. Not having a gender is not seen as valid by our world. And that is what scares me.

The fact that I can sit in my bedroom for hours and not know what I can do scares me. The fact that I can see the pain on my friends faces when I look at them, when there are three of us crying because we’re being erased and there’s nothing we can to scares me. The fact that I can open my YouTube and be hit with this transgender stuff scares me. The fact that I can no longer use my social media platforms, this, my Instagram, YouTube, any other platforms I’m on scares me.

I want to curl up into a ball and let everything go. I want to let go of the pain I feel because of what the world is trying to do to me. I want to stop feeling what I am now. I want all this stuff about being transgender not being real to stop. I want to stop looking at Instagram and seeing people call transgender a mental illness. Because it’s not. And that statement hurts. It hurts so much. I want to stop having to force myself to come out of the library and go talk to people at breaks. I want to stop feeling so sick I can’t eat. I want to stop crying so, so much. But currently, I can’t.

Wow, I’m crying and so that’s all I’m going to say for now.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

How To Study  |  Most Likely To  |  Talking To My Younger Self

Talking to My Younger Self

Wow, this is new. But I’m revealing myself even more than usual. So let us do it. And this is me, younger:

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wow i was cute

Dear Young Emily,

Sweetie, where to start? This whole thing is new to me, but I think that it’s important to say. So I’ll just get right into it.

You probably wouldn’t recognise me now, dark haired and tall. But I promise you, I am you. I am what you will turn into.

Ems, life is going to get bad. Life is not going to be perfect. Life is not going to be amazing. It will get awful and hurt and will be painful and you will not be happy the whole tie. But it will get better. Don’t lie to the doctors, don’t lie to the therapists. You can manipulate them into thinking that you are fine, but they are there to help you. If you leave it and let them believe that you, faking, are fine, everything will just get worse. If you lie to them about the anxiety then they will believe you because they don’t have a reason not to. But when you do that, the anxiety just increases. And when you lie to them about the amounts you eat, then they think you have something wrong with you, something causing you to lose the amounts of weight you are, as fast as you are. And that’s not good. Don’t hurt yourself, don’t bash your head on trees just to see if you can get it to bleed and then lie about what happened. It’s manipulative and you’re good at that, good at lying, manipulating people, but it’s not good.

Don’t go pushing yourself too much. Don’t go around with the mindset that you have to win. You want to win, winning is great, but you can’t always win everything. There are wins and losses in life. Both are good. Just remember that, you can lose. Winning is not worth losing your hearing for. Winning is not worth the numbers of doctors appointments and blood tests and fake tears shed, real tears shed, winning is not worth the pain of losing your hearing. It’s great, but not that important.

Em, don’t be afraid to come out as who you are. Don’t be afraid to say that you have a crush on a girl. Don’t be afraid to talk about the fact that sometimes you’re a boy. It’s easier for everyone if you cover it earlier. Your parents will support you. They will listen and they will try to understand even if it is hard for them. They will try to make things easier for you. That’s what they’re there for and even if it is hard, don’t worry about what they will think. Don’t panic and cry for hours when you tell them. It’s not worth it. In reality they will always love you for who you are.

Don’t mix with the toxic people, don’t feel that in order to be liked you have to be popular and hang out with people you don’t like. You don’t have to do that. People will like you for you, not who you hang with. And if the people you mix with become toxic, let them go. There will always be someone else there. And it may seem hard, but someone will be able to pick you up from where you are, fallen on the ground. It’s okay to fluctuate between friends and friend groups. It’s okay to slowly drift away from people. It’s okay to get bored of people and not know how to tell them so. It’s okay to want to be alone and away from all people for a while. But it’s not okay to be like that for weeks. There are people who you can talk to. Even if it is hard.

Please don’t hate the way you look. You are perfect as who you are. You look in the mirror way too much. Stop. It’s not worth it. Believe everyone and what they tell you. Believe that you are pretty, are skinny. Because you are. Even if the dysmorphia tells you you aren’t. But in saying that, don’t become addicted to the foods you so love. Don’t fade away from the healthy food you get fed at a young age, keep eating that, it’s good for you and will stop the lead-up of so many body image issues.

Stop worrying so much about what other people think about you. Stop thinking that you have to be a fakery, yet another mask, because people just want to see the real you. I promise you. Embrace who you are as an individual.

Remember that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get angry. And it’s also okay to ask for help. But it’s okay not to cry too. It’s okay to grieve by locking yourself away, as long as you come out and don’t let the grief change who you are as a person. There will be unimaginable losses and they will cut you down, but you need to be able to get through them and not change who you are because of them, it’s not fair on those who you lose.

Appreciate the time you have with you family. All of it. It won’t all last forever. It won’t always be the same. People will change, become tougher, harsher and some will leave you. Don’t assume that people will always be there, because they won’t be. It’s the same with friends. They won’t always be there for you, they’ll leave you or you’ll leave them or other things will get in the way and you’ll drift apart. So appreciate the times you do have with them, the moments you spend together. They’re important. And don’t be afraid to ask them things, to get their help, that’s what they’re there for, to support you.

Life is not a straight line. Life is full of twists and turns and it’s okay to stray from the well-worn path that everyone else is trampling. It’s okay to express yourself and the failures you do have, shouldn’t lead you into years of regret. They should grow you as a a person. That’s what they’re there for. To help you, to guide you. You need to find the one big thing that causes you happiness. It’s the most important thing, but don’t go running around madly trying to find it, sometimes you just have to sit quietly and let it come to you, it always will.

Don’t hurry to grow up. Stay a child for as young as possible, let yourself grow up slowly. There’s stress involved in growing up and becoming older and everyday you need to take life slowly and let it go at it’s own life.

Now, onto some less serious things. Don’t stop playing the piano. Don’t let yourself be bullied into doing things. Take notes in your classes. Don’t spend too much time on your devices. Don’t get into arguments with teachers. Don’t spread rumors. Don’t let people boss you around. Allow yourself to open up. Don’t stay so quiet. Become the leader you are. Don’t bite your sister. Don’t lie so much. Smile more. Let your emotions out. allow yourself days of rest. Organise yourself. Let your thoughts be free. Don’t come up with eccentric goals. Don’t stop writing. Learn to take criticism. Learn to receive compliments. Give love freely. Don’t be afraid of the results of things. Don’t cut. Don’t let your emotions rule your life. Don’t procrastinate everything. Learn to laugh easily. Don’t push yourself so hard. Listen to those older than you. Keep good secrets. Tell bad secrets. Love those around you. Learn to accept touch. Let people talk to you. Talk about your feelings. It’s okay not be be okay. It’s fine not to be normal. Have deep conversations. Have friends who can make you laugh. Make friends who you can just talk to. Have a shoulder to cry on. Don’t decide on what you want to do early. Let yourself dream. Allow your dreams to change. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on others. Live freely. Live in the moment. Let yourself just be you. Have fun. Take risks. Live without regrets. Let people know you are there. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to be confident. Be weird. Be happy with who you are. Wash your sheets regularly. Wash your clothes regularly. Keep your room tidy. Don’t forget to do any assigned exercises. Exercise regularly. Keep a diary. Remember birthdays. Get people gifts for the sake of it. Put yourself first. Keep an eye on your mental health. Check over yourself daily. Live a little. Try something new every week. Do wild things. Don;t be afraid to explore yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t be afraid of life.

You are perfect as you are now.

Love,

An Older Emily

xo

Anyway, that’s the end of that! It’s a really good way of bringing yourself back down and I would highly recommend writing yourself a letter as a stress reliever!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

I Have Problems  |  Hi I’m Back  |  How To Cut Your Hair At Home 

Gender

ALL MY SCHEDULED POSTS DIDN’T POST AND DELETED.

So, I’m sorry for the lack of posting. Very sorry. But I’m back and am not going to be scheduling posts in the near future.

And also, credits to the artist for the amazing piece making up my header, thanks so much, I love it!

QUICK DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL MY OPINION. THIS POST IS A POST ABOUT A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS REGARDING GENDER. THEY ARE ALL WHAT I THINK ABOUT GENDER, AS A GENDERQUEER/AGENDER TEENAGER.

Onto the real post.

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Biologically, I am a girl. Currently, in the ways in which I present, I often come across as a girl. I attend a school in which all my peers are biological girls. But I am not a girl. The term ‘girl’ does not feel right, but in the same way that the term ‘boy’ does not feel right. Sometimes I feel very feminine, others very masculine, but most of the time, I feel neither. I feel ‘no-gender’, or agender.

From a young age, I wore ‘girly’ things, I wore dresses, played with dolls, and had a pink room, I was your stereotypical girl. This all changed when I was about 8. When I was about 8, I stopped feeling and acting as girlish as I had once upon a time. I didn’t feel at that stage, female. I knew that I was a girl, but I didn’t think that I really was. Well, at that age I didn’t really know, at that age I just stopped wearing dresses and started dressing more ‘boyish’. Here, in the country, that is almost considered normal though, girls do not often dress girlishly for ease.

It was only last year, midway through the year, when I started to question who I was, gender-wise. It spurred mainly from a conversation that went on in which everyone seemed mildly disgruntled about gender and not having a specific gender. Thinking back on it, it’s sort of funny to think about the things I listened to the others talk about. The small things that I now know to be incredibly false, like taking a one-off dose of testosterone and just letting it be like that. It was then I began to realise then that I didn’t have to be either female or male. I could just be. But I didn’t know anything about it, and so I just kept it inside, it became another secret for my mental illnesses to feed off.

It wasn’t until this year that I really realised what I could be. That I realised that I didn’t have to identify as male or female, and that that was okay, and would be accepted. When I found myself with nonbinary (NB), or gender non-conforming (GNC) friends, that I realised that it would be alright, that I really wasn’t messed up. But I still kept all the feelings bottled up. Until the end of last term (around July) when I really just broke-down. I didn’t know what to do with myself and blurted a year and a half worth of gender issues to a (cis, pan) friend. During July my life toppled and I broke. But that’s another story.

So I splurted all these bottled emotions to this friend and just broke down. I couldn’t deal with the pain of them all and I trusted her. As a bit of an attempt to sort my breakdown out, she began to use they/them pronouns when referring to me, and it was just super fitting. To give y’all your happy ending, I’m slightly happier now, using they/them pronouns.

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Now, a bit more of a topic up for consideration, which is what this post is for. I really want you all to get involved and give your opinions. Gender and gender identity.

I want you to try, just for a couple of minutes, to describe someone, to talk about them, not gendering them, not using any pronouns. It should end up looking something like the following:

‘Emily is a 14-year old who blogs about life. Emily is also an artist who has an Instagram account that began as a blog account and still is, but has evolved into mainly an art account. Emily also like writing and is in the middle of writing a book.’

Or:

‘Emily is a 14-year-old person who loves writing and art. Emily loves stories and books and blogging. [I really want to say ‘they’ here] Emily is a reasonably smart person who runs this blog and goes to school.’

It’s really hard. Using pronouns to describe someone is ingrained in who we are. My mother found this out when so told a friend (in an attempt to help me) told her about my gender issues. When she found this out, she said to this friend that it was okay because she very rarely used pronouns. But the thing is, that she does, she just doesn’t notice them. It’s not until you really begin to think about pronouns, that you really begin to notice how often you really do use them.

Another little thing for you to think about for a minute, why does it matter to you whether I am a girl or a boy? For most of you, it doesn’t, because you a) don’t know me in real life and therefore talk to me and b) don’t talk about me. But what about for others, why does it matter to you whether someone identifies as a girl or a boy? Really, it doesn’t, but we all seem to need to know. The first question you ALWAYS ask when someone announces that they’re having a baby is, ding, you guessed it! ‘is it a girl or a boy?!’, this often seems to be so people can buy said baby clothing in the colour of it’s gender (pink for a girl blue for a boy). But those people you see walking down the street, with a gender you just cannot place, you need to know their gender. But for no real reason, it’s not like you’re going to go and talk to your friends about them. You just really need to know their gender. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do, we all do it, I’m guilty of it, every single person on this little old planet we call home, has done this in their lifetime, and if they haven’t, then wow, just wow.

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Another couple of things quickly, bathrooms and naming. Now, the bathrooms issue is a very small issue to me. I go to an all female school and so we only have one bathroom, if I want to use the bathroom, I go this this bathroom without a gender. This bathroom has not gender sign on the door, rather just the word ‘Bathroom’. In public, the majority of the public bathrooms around here are gender-neutral, often because there is just one. Recently, one of the places around has just changed one male and one female bathroom into gender-neutral rooms, where everyone can go. If possible, I choose to use these. BUT I do understand the big bathroom issue. It’s such a pain that we need to label people by their genitalia, make them use restrooms based on their genitalia, rather than the gender they identify as. It is a real pain.

And the naming. Even though I am out as NB (umbrella term) to my family, I still get misgendered, and that’s understandable. Yes it’s annoying, yes, it’s upsetting, and yes, it doe cause some dysphoria, but I know that it’s hard for them. And often they will correct themselves or call each other out on it. But they also make fun of it. And I sort of understand that, but I don’t really. They make fun of the fact that if I become a part of the police force, I will be a ‘policethey’ rather than a policewoman, or a police man. Yes, it’s very annoying, but often when I call them out on it, I get the common response of ‘it’s hard, we need to have a bit of fun with it. Don’t tell us off about it, we are trying.’, which I can deal with now. Sort of. Now I just stay quiet and quietly wait for them to call themselves out on it when they suddenly remember that they’re not using the correct pronouns With time, it will get better. But another thing I have quickl noticed and will briefly touch on before I end this and go to bed, is the names that females get called, regardless of gender identity that people tend not to call boys. The ‘sweetheart’, and ‘darling’ type things. The things that people would never in their wildest dreams, call a boy. Not boy would ever get called ‘darling’ unless his mother was trying to embarrass him. But yet we do it to girls and Assigned Females at Birth (AFaB’s), which is a bit annoying. But I guess it’ll take some time and all sort itself out.

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Okay, this is my rant over. Please do get involved, leave your opinion in the comments, they’re all welcome and I will respond to hate as I do in every post if it is left.

Love Always, Emily

Just Thoughts | A Stream of Conciousness

I have had some thoughts.

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OK.

To the people who are telling me that I’m messed up because of my life, please read this.

To the girl in my Visual Art class who yells across the classroom daily to me, telling me I’m a creep and that I am a piece of gay shit, please read this.

To the people who message me and tell me that I can’t use they/them pronouns, please read this.

To the people who won’t accept people for who they are, please read this.

To the people who look at me differently for my gender and sexuality, please read this.

To the people who tell me that my female crush is not valid, please read this.

To the people who won’t be friends with me because they think that I’ll crush on them, please read this.

To the people who hate me for who I am, please read this.

To the world, please read this. Please.

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I am not a human. I was not born into this world just as you were. I am not the same as you.

You tell me that I’m not human because of my gender and sexuality. You tell me this not because you’ve been poorly informed, rather because you don’t want to become informed. Because you don’t want to have to learn and change these things. Because you don’t want to have to change your mindset. It’s because you can’t accept that we are not the same.

You yell these things at me to get them off your chest. To get them out of your mind. Because you can’t have these thoughts in your mind, these dirty, messed up thoughts. No, that’s just not possible. So you have to bombard me with them, each and every time the teacher is out of the room. You have to abuse me at every possible chance. You have to spill all your thoughts and opinions onto me. You have to. It’s not a choice.

You have to use she/her pronouns because that’s the norm. That’s what you’ve called me since you knew me. That’s just how I will always be in your mind. You have always used she/her pronouns for feminine people and he/him pronouns for masculine people. And you can’t possible change that for me. You can’t change the way you address me because I want that. Because that would be singling me out. That would be you making an effort for me.

Of course, you can’t accept people for who they are because they are different and society does not accept difference, that’s why we all go to the same school and eat the same food and wear the same clothes. Society cannot accept me for being gay because that’s not normal. And so you too mustn’t accept me. You can’t differ at all. You can’t possibly be different like me.

And I am very different, so of course I must be viewed differently now that I have told you my pronouns. Of course I’m not the same person as I was two minutes ago, that’s not possible! I don’t look or sound any different, but I am different and in order to register that you must look at me in a different manner.

Having a crush on the same sex is not OK. That crush is not really a crush. She’s just a quick phase. I’ll get over her in time, obviously. You’ve never had a crush on the same sex, so why can I? That’s not OK. The crush is definitely not real. That’s a given.

Well, I’m gay and I crush on every feminine person I see, so I clearly cannot be your friend because you’re a girl and that would mean that I would crush on you. That wouldn’t be right. You couldn’t possibly deal with that. So you’ll just have to avoid me even though I’m human. But my sexuality is the only thing that matters. If I’m gay, you’re never going to be my friend.

I am me, and that is not OK. It is not OK to be who you are, openly. It puts you out in the public eye and the hate I get is not a choice by you, rather a right. You have the right to pour hate on me for being different and open about myself. That’s just what comes of me coming out and exposing myself to you. You clearly have the right to hate me as much as you want.

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I am a human. I was born into this world just as you were. I am just the same as you, human.

I am human because if you stripped me naked, I would have all the same body parts as you do. I am human because I have the same rights as you. Because I have the capacity to change my mindset and embrace difference, rather than shun it.  Because I have the choice to be ME. And I don’t care what you think, I am human.

The feelings you shove at me, just to get them away hurt. The abuse you yell at me, away from the ears of those with authority, it hurts. It burns. It stings. It causes mental scars and those scars find their way out. Those scars that no one can see, find their way into view. Those mental scars soon become physical scars. They become brands on my skin forever. They will forever stay there. Those cuts and marks, because of you. They will be a constant reminder of the abuse I endured.

Why can’t I use the pronouns I want? What giver you the right to take that choice away from me? Why can you use the wrong pronouns? The pain that shoots across my face and you don’t see when you call me ‘her’ is hard. If you just saw how much pain it causes me to hear you say that. To hear you say ‘she is busy’. And then to hear the fateful phrase ‘well, I’ve grown used to it’. It hurts. And it causes so much more anxiety. How you react impacts on how others react. I cannot use the wrong pronouns towards you. I cannot call you ‘he’ is you are quite clearly a ‘she’. And just as you are a ‘she’ rather than a ‘he’, I am a ‘me’. I am a ‘me’ rather than a ‘she’ or a ‘he’.

I don’t care if you don’t accept me, but you just need to stay away from me. You don’t need to spend as much time as humanely possible harassing me and staying around me. You don’t need to hurt me as you do. You don’t need to accept me if you’re not going to be around me. I want to be surrounded by love and you’re stopping that. You’re stopping all the love I am receiving from getting to me. You can not accept me when you’re not around me.

I am not different. I still look the same as I did before and you weren’t even using pronouns then. I’ll ask you for pronouns and tell you if you’re using the wrong ones. Honestly, my pronouns or sexuality is all that is different. And it hurts having you tell me that I’m so different. You do not need to view me differently and make me feel ‘special’ because of a couple of differences I have.

I have a crush on a girl. And she has a crush on me too. And this can happen. This is able to happen. This is a real thing. Really, I can crush on her, she can crush on me. I can have a girlfriend. Or a partner. This can happen in this day and age.

I want you to be my friend. I do not crush on every single feminine person I come across. I crush on select few people who I love with all my heart. I crush on the people who love me back. I don’t just crush on any feminine person. You can still be my friend. Please still be my friend. My sexuality has no effect on how you should view me.

I am me and I am happy to be me. I am happy to be open about who I am, about what I am. That is OK. I can be who I want to be and the world does not have to accept that.

I have a few amazing people who I surround myself in and they will love and accept me. They are all that matter.

World, how about changing your ways and thinking for the better of all your citizens? Making their lives better? One person is all it takes to begin changing the world.

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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Questioning Myself | Sexuality and Gender | A Loose Post

Hello, I’m Emily. I’m 14 and live in New Zealand.

That is all I am sure about currently. I honestly have no idea about anything else. So let me list everything I currently know about myself:

  • My name is Emily
  • I am 14
  • I live in New Zealand
  • I am listening to the La La Land soundtrack
  • I am currently questioning everything about myself apart from those four things.

Okay, this could get incredible weird incredibly fast.

I am really struggling with stuff at the moment. Things like how I identify (gender, sexuality etc.) and what I classify my mental health. I never really thought about it but recently I really have had no clue whatsoever about who or what I am. I don’t know what pronouns I want to use or what my sexuality is or what mental health issues I have. So I’m going to rant about this and see if any of you lovely humans can help me sort it out. Or if you’ll just listen to me. Or if writing all this will help me work it out.

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I want to begin with my sexuality. I identified as bisexual from about the beginning of 2017 when I realised what it was (my first female crush was when I was about 8). I came out originally as bi at the start of this year. BUT THEN…Bex Taylor-Klaus came along… And I found NB people to be friends with. AND THEN…I realised I was actually pansexual. I came out as pan then. And I’ve known that I’m demisexual for about a year or two now. I don’t find myself with a romantic attraction to someone unless I know them well. BUT RECENTLY…I’ve been questioning that. I don’t feel myself that I am pan. I don’t think that I could ever see myself with a guy. The last guy I had a crush on was when I was six and that was literally for just two days before I realised that he was an idiot and I hated him. So I want to know what I am really. But I DON’T KNOW. And that is annoying me. I know that I am attracted to females and feminine NB people, but that’s such a wide range of people. I don’t know whether to identify as bi (attracted to two genders, feminine NB and female) or polysexual (an attraction to some genders but not all genders). OR…I could just identify as queer. Or as gay. Oh, I have no clue. I mean, I already say that I am gay everywhere but my tagline has queer in it, so…? I think I will identify as queer for now, until I really work it out. I don’t really think that my sexuality really matters. All I know is that I don’t want a boyfriend.

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NEXT…gender. Urgh, this is such an annoying one. So if you’ve checked out my About page anytime recently you will have seen that i did put something on there about pronouns and how I don’t care about which you use. I got an email about this, just asking what it was about and why I think this. So me questioing my gender probably started about 6-7 weeks ago. I sort of didn’t view myself as the female I always have identified as. I began to get really bad body dysmorphia and a sort of gender dysphoria. I might do a post at a later stage on this. This was around the time I decided to cut my hair short, I’m still gonna cut more off though, it’s not really feeling right like this. But when I did that I felt a whole bunch better about myself, it felt more natural. OK…I don’t know what my gender is. Like my sexuality, for now I’m identifying as genderqueer until I come up with a real idea for it. SO FOR NOW…just use any pronouns that you think of when you see me. I’ll accept anything that is respectful. Just, whatever you do, don’t use ‘it’ because I am not an object, I am a human. All I know is that I am not identifying as what I always have done. And don’t think I will again. This doesn’t matter to you guys though, and if it does the exit button is right there for you to press.

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my always mood

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asfkjfdkjdopweoifjkdfnjdfkdoddwjdfz. I have no clue about my life. I am sorry. Here is the recap. I am queer, I am not sure and I love you all. Thank you. I will keep you updated on these things as they progress.

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

My LGBTQ Speech

There is a spoken version of this speech at the end.

Recently we had to write speeches for English. We were asked to write about something we were passionate about. For me, this topic was LGBTQ rights. Below is this speech. If you cannot be bothered to read it all, I have inserted the video I took of me reading it (the audio is probably shitty and I probably sound awful, but oh well!).

Enjoy.

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Of the 195 countries in the world, 26 allow same sex marriage, in the rest, it is illegal. In 11 countries homosexuality is punishable by death, in 72, jail time and in the remaining 112, it is legal, although not generally accepted by society. In 5 countries, gender reassignment is legal without restrictions, 41 allow it, but there are medical and social complications to it, 27 countries have inconsistent rules and regulations towards gender reassignment and over 70 countries do not allow gender reassignment legally. Those are the statistics.

But you know what? That is all they are. They are just statistics. Numbers. Nothing more. This speech is on LGBTQ rights, and in it, numbers, mean nothing.

As a cisgender pansexual female teenager, I know firsthand the struggles I can have being myself, even in an accepting country. I have had instagram arguments with people about LGBTQ rights, I have had arguments face-to-face with people about them. I have dealt with cyber and verbal bullying when I have come out. I have been called names about it, I have become severely depressed because of what I have had said to me. I have had anxiety attacks when I’ve come out. I am not the only one. There are millions of others out there, who, like me, are not accepted into society. This is not okay.

In this day and age, over 30 years after homosexuality was ruled legal in New Zealand, why is the LGBTQ community still seen as ‘odd’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘dangerous’? Why? I’m not dangerous, I’m not going to go and kill someone, I’m not going to go and kidnap someone’s child, I’m just going to love someone, the person I want to love, regardless of their gender. There is no difference between me loving someone who doesn’t have a male or female gender and you loving someone of the opposite gender. Love is love, it’s really that simple.

The LGBTQ community goes through so much more than the ‘normal’ cisgender, heterosexual community does. In Istanbul, LGBTQ activists were hit with teargas and rubber bullets by police, is that okay? Is it okay to injure people for campaigning to love the person they want to? I don’t think so. It’s not okay that a ten-year-old boy was killed by his stepfather because he said he ‘liked boys’. It’s just love. The boy was ten. And because he said he liked boys, in an accepting country, America, he was killed. That’s not normal. You wouldn’t kill your kid for saying he liked girls, would you? You’d accept that, you wouldn’t really register it, because that’s ‘normal’. There is no difference between him saying he liked boys and him saying he liked girls. But there is. One is socially acceptable and the other is not. It’s that simple, and at the same time, that complicated. And it’s so sad.

I’ve known people who, upon coming out a transgender, have not been accepted by their parents, have been kicked out of their homes, because they are not ‘normal’. No, they’re not normal, but what is normal? No one is normal. It’s not possible, there’s not ‘normal’ guidelines, there’s no list that has a whole bunch of characteristics on it that say that if someone is this, they are normal. Someone’s not normal because they’re a cisgender heterosexual person. That’s not how normality works.

There was a quote I found the other day, in Lisa Williamson’s book the art of being normal. ‘normal is such a stupid word. What does it even mean?’ If someone says they are transgender, the only difference between what they were before they said that and after, is their pronouns. If they’ve said they want to use ‘they/them’ or ‘he/him’ pronouns rather than ‘she/her’, they’re not all that different. They still talk the same, think the same, they’re still the same person they have always been. They’re not that different. And it’s not hard to realise that.

So why isn’t it accepted? If there’s no normal guidelines, if it’s just love, if people are just the same as they have always been, why is the LGBTQ community not accepted? WHY? It’s 2018, it’s time to grow up and accept that love is love, that gender is gender and that life is too short to fight against this.

Thank you.

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Vocal Copy (audio???)

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I’m entering in the Junior Speech Contest at school later this term, and will update you on how it goes when it happens!

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Gay

The following is a list of things that gays (and other LGBTQ+ frens) do that I have picked up on. I’m not sorry.

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  • Feeling really bad for watching the most adorable couples (I honestly swear they are the cutest things) and getting the feeling they think that you’re really homophobic when in all actuality, you’re actually just watching them because they are so darn cute and you’re so darn jealous. This happen all the time
  • Not sit on chairs correctly
  • Tell really kinky jokes/use really kinky references
  • Screaming
  • Screaming some more
  • Fanhuman about books
  • Refer to each other in HIGHLY inappropriate ways
  • Treat one and other like family
  • Attempt to set each other up with dates whilst being single
  • Jump all over each other (or any other physical contact)
  • Not want to eat anything but oreos and skittles
  • Skittles
  • More skittles
  • Have a huge crush on Bex Taylor-Klaus
  • Memes
  • More memes
  • Even more memes
  • Swear. A lot
  • Calling each other gay
  • Shouting at straight people for calling them gay
  • Hypocrisy
  • Need to prove others wrong
  • Rainbows
  • More rainbows
  • You guessed it, more rainbows!
  • If anything is rainbow, it must be bought
  • Reading books just because there’s an LGBTQ+ person in it. Not because the book is good
  • Mental illnesses and eating disorders
  • Truth or dare and Spin the bottle are always interesting…
  • Banding together as one big support group
  • Inclusion
  • Yelling at homophobes
  • Yelling in general
  • Watching other cute couples and going ‘if it’s that easy why don’t I have a partner?!’
  • Queer. Just the word queer
  • Coming out is hard the first time, but after that, you’re literally yelling at the top of your lungs ‘I’m gay, bitch.’
  • Ruby Rose, Hayley Kiyoko and Troye Sivan
  • Six of Crows, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda and anything by Rick Riordan
  • Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco and Waterparks
  • Finger Guns
  • Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen
  • The plot doesn’t matter, it has a gay character in it, that’s enough
  • More kinky shit
  • ‘Love you’ is honestly one of the the most common things you say. To everyone
  • ‘Mood’, ‘Yeet’ and ‘Gay’ are probably the three main words in your vocabulary. Followed closely by several swear words.
  • Rainbow cakes are pure joy. Not because they taste nice, because they look amazing
  • Your relationships go very fast through all stages. As do your gay friendships
  • All you want is coloured hair. All you get is everything but
  • Everything is rainbow
  • Flannel shirts
  • Not having to change pronouns because there is honestly no point
  • Pronouns are literally the most important things on earth and if you don’t know someone’s then you ASK so as not to embaress yourself
  • Open. Very open once you are out
  • Gaydar is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD!
  • dvxscakjsaldnkdnkc
  • You have good fashion sense. Comes from so long spent in the closet
  • Really, really bad puns. But somehow they’re really funny at the same time
  • Innocent children are amazing and must be kept innocent at all costs
  • Either darlings or dudes
  • Your top Google search is ‘gay Disney characters’
  • Disney
  • Just gay. Enough said.

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This was honestly the most fun post I have every written. This probably does not go for all gay humans out there, but it certainly goes for both me and my lil’ friend group of about 25 gays.

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Not So Perks of Being Pan

There are perks and there are not so perks.

So a few days ago (IDK when exactly) I posted about the perks of being pansexual. But with that, there are also not so perks. Now, I don’t know what these are actually called, so we’ll call them not so perks for now. Most of them are things that I get told. *hurries to get on with post*

‘That’s not a real thing.’

I get tod this ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Like, no. People, pansexuality is a real thing. It goes hand in hand with…

‘But there are only two genders.’

No freaking people. There are actually 63 different genders as of the start of 2018. So there. There are two sexes. And, you’re welcome.

The go to questions ‘so you’re bi then?’

AS I SAID, THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO GENDERS. Bi means two, like bicycle, bigender, bilingual and so many more. Being pansexual is SO DIFFERENT.

NO! I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH PANS!

The pan at the front comes from panto, meaning all. There you go, a fact for today! No, I do not have sex with pans. Maybe it would be a good idea to change it to pantosexual, rather than pansexual? No? Maybe not.

‘It’s just a phase’

My sexuality is not a phase. Alright? Enough said.

I’ve known since I was about 8 that I wasn’t straight and I’ve known for about a year that I was pan.

‘You’re just wanting the attention.’

Totally. And you’re just wanting attention too. That’s why you’re telling me this. You’re not going to get it. Bye.

‘Oh, that’s so trendy now, I’m pan too!’

Really? That’s great. No it’s not. If you don’t know what pansexual is, don’t know what the flag looks like and think there are only two genders than you’re not pan. And if you’re just pan because ‘it’s trendy’ then you’re definitely not. It is not trendy to be jailed for it in 83 countries.

‘You’re pretty much gay then, aren’t you?’

No. I am 1/63 gay (if I’m equally attracted to every gender, which I am not). I’m not pretty much gay. Thank you for asking though! At least you posed it as a question, rather than a statement!

‘But that’s not in the LGBT(Q) acronym.’

Well…LGBTKSWQPEXMGHDABJDKKLDLFSJFSJDNFJNDFJFBJFNFMLDKEEEYRHRHRFKF has a P in it. That one P nine letters in stands for Pansexual. And in the slightly shortened acronym of LGBTQQIAAP there is a P at the end. And the even SHORTER acronym of LGBT(Q)+ has a plus at the end. That means MORE. Pan is in the acronym thank you very much.

Huh?

Oh, it’s okay if you don’t understand it. It’s better than any of the options. I’ll just explain it to you and you can pretend to understand and look it up later if you want! As long as you don’t say ‘but there are only two genders’ we should be fine. This is because of…

No representation.

There is no representation in ANYTHING! Even among our own community we don’t have much of a rep. That’s just sad. It’s why people don’t understand it. People get told about bisexuality but not pansexuality. Pansexual comes up with a red squiggly line under it when I type it into here. So we just need a little more representation please. Thank

Coming out.

I mean, we still have to dome out?! That’s not a fun thing to do. Read here for more about me coming out to my mum to find out how stressful it was for me.

SO MANY OPTIONS!

I mean, I have 63 different genders to choose from! I could choose to be in a relationship with anyone I wanted to be! And that’s a hard thing I mean, you feel bad if you only end up dating 17 of the genders before you settle on one to marry! What about the other *counts* *gets sick of that and uses google* 46 genders?! If you only date 17 of them does that make you polysexual, meaning an attraction to some but not all of the genders?! For the sake of the post I won’t get into what poly is, I think I’ve kinda explained it there.

So that was a bit of fun. I like having fun posts that (hopefully) do some stuff in the community because it takes away from the seriousness of the blog’s entirety and makes me feel like a teenager rather than someone who devotes their whole life to this cause (not that I don’t do that of course!).

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Emily xo 🏳️‍🌈