justified thought procees

midnight sobs

broken sobs at 1am, flickering candles across sketchy papers. freshly picked sunflowers on the windowsill, dark under-eye circles. cold, sweet coffee and quiet words. city lights from a highrise, plants by the window. flannel and soft, sad songs. flower crowns and gentle touches late at night. impatience, pale colours, early morning blog posts. oversized hoodies and warm strawberries. bright sunsets, empty eyes, broken handwritten letters atop a desk. gentle smiles, sadness without reasoning, dancing in the rain. soft laughter. allnighters, easy love. uncompleted homework, filled notebooks. stars at 4am. unshed tears, paint covered hands, late night calls. silver rings, long-haired cats. miniature sketchbooks. smudged pencil lines, impulse buys. late night flirting, embroidered denim. midnight tea, vanilla, doodles in margins. abandoned projects, messy hair. daisies and daffodils. notebooks, new blossoms, fallen leaves. historical musicals. pencil doodles on desks, old books. too many emotions. quiet libraries, procrastination. lavender, nostalgia, photographs. almond milk, raspberries, lattes. spiderwebs, dewdrops in the morning. butterflies. unorganized routines, sad laughter. slam poetry, wax-sealed envelopes. warm sheets, skinny jeans. neon city lights, pressed flowers, tangled headphones. repetitive patterns, shaking fits. numbers, the colour yellow. leaves and bush walks. forgotten words, memorised faces. coloured voices, withheld secrets. quiet conversations, blaring music. torn receipts, rainy days, dark chocolate. old memories, small details. sparkles, journals, muted colour. leather jackets, cafes and cookie dough. piano music, soft whispers, clear skies. sea salt, moonlight, eyes. lemon water, gel pens.

open hearts, empty eyes. broken souls, forgotten thoughts. sad smiles, soft laughs. acoustic music, paint filled pages. taped up photographs, winter mornings.

memories made, faces forgotten.

misplaced dreams.


so that was sort of a ‘my aesthetic’ post. but my aesthetic is a lot of contradicting things bunched together, a bit like me. it’s a lot of soft, yet a lot of dark.
tell me about your aesthetic, just for fun. it doesn’t have to be as long as mine, just as long as the last three or four lines, but it’d be cool to see your aesthetics too!

emily xo

a writing rant at 11pm ie emily fails miserably at life | adventures in writing

Hello my children.

this is going to be me ranting at y’all about the struggle i am having trying (and failing) to write an actual outline to my novel and possibly come up with some actual plot ideas. i hope you enjoy.

as another note. this is going to be written without capital letters because i’m using my tablet and it takes too long to try and work it out like that. so yes. have fun reading this fun lil rant-y thing i’ve compiled for y’all!


i just wanted cute gays to get together. and sweet trans kids to be accepted. but i also wanted stabby things. and sparkles. like, jewel sparkles. and gold sparkles. or sparkly stabby things for cute trans gays. also, i wanted nature in there. I wanted some tension in there. and also some stars and flowers. just because i like those things. and if i could include some kind of paper plane too that’d be fun. like,,,they go and like,,,communicate to each other through like,,,paper planes. anyway. but there must also be some death. but not too much death. or blood. i want some kinda soft angst. and then some really not soft at all angst. but you cannot get that actual balance right because it’s like,,,difficult and i don’t like,,,have the patience to like,,,learn to skills of that. anyway. i also want some cute gayness. and i need some levels of vulnerability for the characters to be created. i want some silly sword fighting. but also characters not getting along. but also huge gun battles and gunshots shrieking through the sky and exploding in the dust on the other side of a battle field. i need some silly moments when everyone is just sitting around laughing and having fun. and then others when they’re all in tears and it’s just raw and sad and awful. i want it to feel like there are times when the entire world is ending because i’m struggling to write so much and the characters are mimicking what i’m feeling and it’s just awful. but then it all carries on. OH! and i want music in there,,,like,,,one of them playing music but,,,like,,,the others not knowing. and then they find out. and they’re like,,,super impressed. and it’s something soft like a flue or a piano or something and everyone is super like,,,shocked and it’s real nice. there needs to be some amount of heartbreak and then reparation (is that a word? (it is now)) of said heart. i want sweet and tender moments followed by moments or chaos and urgency. i want war but then also like,,,calm. i want pirates and gangs and guns and things without being clique and copying every other story line around. i want beautiful characters who love each other so intensely it isn’t funny. but then i want them to also hate each other with a passion. i want characters who grow together and learn to love each other as cute gays. i want teasing and flirting and blushing. i want others to ship the pair together but on the dl. but i don’t want it to become so much like that that it become a freaking romance or a fanfiction,,,because that’s like,,,very boring. i want to to be cute without being too cute. i want this to have moments when someone is just screaming and ranting and super upset and angry and someone else is just listening and doing something else and just like,,,nodding every now and then. i want them to have to make adult decisions at a young age and be forced to give up things they really don’t want to then. but i also want them to be children like,,,five minutes later and just be like,,,joking and playing about and shit. i want them to be loved by everyone but also like,,,piss everyone off so much they hate them all and are like,,,nope. not dealing with you today. i just wanted it all to go to plan

AND DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO DO??? ESPECIALLY THAT LAST PART??? IT’S INSANE AND I DON’T GET IT OR LIKE IT OR ANYTHING.


so, that’s my little rant over. i hope you enjoyed it and actallly felt some of my struggles as a writer having to deal with cutting all those ideas down into something that hasn’t been done a thousand times over and is actually good! it’s all going great so far, i’m not really annoyed about the fact that i have no actual plot and just have characters who i’m not giving up for anything. not. at. all.

anyway, if you’re a writer, do tell me about your struggles. also your novel ideas. and whether you’re doing camp NaNoWriMo this month (i’m not). and anything else you want to talk to about your novel, do so!

and if you’re not a writer, that’s cool too. just talk to me about how your life is, what you’re doing. what your hobbies are. the like, the like.

have a good night children.
emily xo

Right Now #3 | Conan Gray, Daughter, Fall Out Boy & AURORA

Welcome back to another episode of Right Now, a segment of this blog where we discuss music and my monthly playlist. The last episodes are linked at the end of this post. Enjoy this month’s episode, like, comment and follow for more quality content like this!

editing emily: I really don’t know what that intro was but I hope you enjoyed it and will continue to read the rest of this post, I promise it’s not quite as weird!!! (it’s still weird)


My entire playlist is right here if you’d really like to go and check it out. But now, my favourite and top songs of March, 2019!!!

editing emily: yeah, this is weird, even for me. I’m sorry. please continue on.

  • Human Again | Kodaline
  • Honest | Kodaline
  • Heavydirtysoul | Twenty One Pilots
  • The Judge | Twenty One Pilots
  • Running with the Wolves | AURORA
  • Through the Eyes of a Child | AURORA
  • 888 | Cavetown
  • I’ll Make Cereal | Cavetown (yes, it’s really called that, it’s very good)
  • The King | Conan Gray
  • Idle Town | Conan Gray
  • Atlas: Eight | Sleeping at Last
  • Hourglass | Sleeping at Last
  • Youth | Daughter
  • Amsterdam | Daughter
  • Hey Look Ma, I Made It | Panic! At the Disco
  • Nicotine | Panic! At the Disco
  • Spaceland | chloe moriondo
  • Waves | chloe moriondo
  • The Phoenix | Fall Out Boy
  • Uma Thurman | Fall Out Boy
  • feelings are fatal |mxmtoon
  • CROWN | TOMORROW X TOGETHER

That’s the end of that. There’s a whole bunch of new music in that playlist, Conan Gray is a new discovery for me, and I’m actually finding that I love his music so much, it’s just fun. TXT (TOMORROW X TOGETHER) is a kpop band and I actually love their music which is a huge shock for me given that I don’t listen to kpop! It’s just super fun, upbeat and lively (and their music videos are a lot of fun!!!)

I hope you enjoyed this post, definitely go check out the playlist and a bunch of the songs on there!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Midway Thoughts #1 | Moving On

Hi folks.

It’s been a couple of days since my last moving on post and I’m back again. This series will be covering the process of moving house and moving on from that, it will cover wverything that goes on in that process and not glorify it. It makes it very real and shows the grief of leaving the place you call home and moving to a new one. Both of the previous posts in this series will be linked at the end of this post, but very quickly to recap what has happened in them both:
The first post discussed finding out that we were going to be selling up and moving. It covered my initial thoughts and talked about the place we are moving from.
The second post talked about everything that had happened in the nine weeks from that first post and the fact that we were now moving. It also covered the place we were moving to and the times between sale and movement.
This post will cover my thoughts now, just before we move in a few days. It will cover the things I am happy about and the things I am not happy about along with the emotions I am currently feeling towards this move.

Now into the post, enjoy!


When I heard that the sale had gone through, there was a full moon and I sat outside for 2 hours and watched it. I didn’t know what to think about moving. I cried a lot that night, an awful lot. Almost all that I could think about was what was going to happen, I felt numb and sad. There was a sense of dread in my heart and I wasn’t sure why or what would happen. I think that this caused a lot of the anxiety that I felt in those initial stages. Then it was still a while away, six weeks, and it still didn’t feel real.

Since that time, it’s become a lot more real, but I still don’t think that I ‘know’ what’s going on, four days before the move. I know more than I did, how I’m feeling, but I’m still not super clear on that. I’ll go into more detail on that soon, but for now I want to cover what I’m thinking about the move.
My anxiety has been heightened by the move, but I’ve also felt a lot calmer. It’s been a sense of utter empty calm that I’ve felt, and I’m unsure as to why that is. My emotions have been pretty much flat-lining, before flaring up again, but when they do flare up, it’s not for long, an hour or two.
I’ve been filling my days with a lot of things, I had school camp, a bunch of school tests and I’ve been out with friends more than I ever have. It’s been common for me to go out and just be with friends for two hours after school. It’s been giving me an excuse to forget about moving. But when I get back from all of that and the moving thoughts come back, everything crashes. My depressive episodes have been more regular, but shorter. They’ll be there for an hour, a day, and then they won’t be there. If I get depressed, I get anxious and then the anxiety takes over the depression and it’s not there anymore.
Maybe that’s just being a teenager who fills their days with a whole bunch of stuff, takes classes that require a lot of thought, has unstable friendships and travels a lot, but for me, it’s weird. I’m anxious, but I’m empty. I get the feeling I do when I’m depressed, the emptiness, but I get anxious. There are no thoughts there, but I’m still freaking out about all the thoughts. When there is that gentle sense of ease, calm, it’s scary. Everything is scary.
Right, enough of that. Now the rest of the thoughts, the two emotions that I have avoided covering up there so I can cover them now; sadness and excitement.

I’m sad about moving. About having to get rid of all of the animals but the cats, the dog and the rabbits, the last of which will be gone when we’ve moved. I’m sad about leaving the place I’ve called home for the last six and a half years. I’m sad about losing the land. THe place, the house. I’m sad that I’m going to be losing it all.
I’m sad about it all, it’s all so big and great and scary and it’s just making me sad. Getting rid of the animals took a much greater toll on me that I originally thought it would, but it’s getting better now, slowly.

Next emotion that is really incredibly confusing to me, excitement. I’m excited about moving, and this is a shock to me. I’m sad about it, so incredibly sad about it, but I’m also happy. I’m excited to be in a new place, to have the time to go out in the afternoon and walk the dog. To not be driving three hours a day. I’m excited to be able to go out to movies with my friends on the weekends, to be able to go around to friends places, to be able to do all of the things with my friends that I currently can’t. I’m excited to be moving into a place with bigger rooms, more rooms. I’m excited to see what my room will look like, excited to get a new bed, redecorate the room. I’m excited to see what the aesthetic of the room will end up like. I’m excited because there will be two spare rooms and one will be a music room and the other will be a spare bedroom-sewing room which makes me so happy. I’ll have more storage space, more room, more light. I’m excited to see what we do with the house, what we do with the gardens. I’m excited to have more time, to get home earlier.
It’s the things that excite me that are keeping me going through this. There are more of them, yes, but they’re smaller, sillier things, but it’s good. It’s getting me through this. Through the difficult times of having to get rid of pets, of animals, of the place that I have called home for the past six and a half years.


Those are my mid-way thoughts, dears. I’ll have another set of these in about a week, when I’ve been in the new place for about four days, and we’ll see how I’m feeling then! I’ll be posting these very regularly for now, so keep checking your inbox for them!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous Posts:
Moving On #1
Moving On #2

Adventure in Writing: Character Descriptions | Episode 1

Hi. I’m sick. How are you?

I’m also bored. And I’m writing a blog post about writing again. But that’s fine.

As premise to this post, I stopped writing my last novel about 3 weeks ago and only got around to posting about it sometime this week. Which is fine. For the past week or two I have been working on the latest idea I have had. No. I’ve been working on the characters and writing them out before I do anything else. I do have ideas but I’m working on the characters for now. This is going to be a post on how I write my characters whilst kinda giving you sneak peeks into them and their lives. Shall we begin? (Yes is the correct answer here)


I write my characters in some very, very fun ways. Briefly, the characters are Kaito, Luke, Aria and Asterin. They’re all very important and I love them very much. Let’s get into the ways I write their descriptions and I’ll pull out the most important things from each one. Get ready for some entertainment.


We’ll begin with Kaito (Kai).

Physical description fun points:
– Very hot (but not as hot as Asterin)
– Actually looks his age
– Hella attractive
– Like,,,very attractive
– Far too attractive
– It is not fair how attractive he is

A lot of the reasonings for saying these things will become clear soon

Mental traits:
– BEAUTIFUL
– Very controlled
– You do not actually understand how controlled
– SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL
– Unforgiving. Don’t you dare get on his bad side
– Legit all the houses.
– Actually super adorable and sweet
– But like, not adorable or sweet
– Actually heteroseksual???

Other Notes (me, hyperventilating about my characters):
– I WANT TO BE HIM
– Can I be him?!
– please…
– Is it possible to be any more amazing than Kai? No.
– Did I mention the fact that he’s very attractive?
– He gets far too much entertainment from upsetting people by being aroace
– I WILL ADOPT HIM. HE IS FICTIONAL BUT I WILL ADOPT HIM
– He is my baby and no one can ever hurt him
– Kinda a little like Nico, but also like Kaz, also like Draco, and also none of them

Conversations with Kai:
– “you actually cannot hug me. I will punch you.”
– “hi. No. You can’t date me. Sorry not sorry.”
– “no, I ran away. My life’s much more entertaining than yours.”


Next up is Luke or Lu or whatever you wanna call them.

Physical description fun points:
– Looks mature (we’ll come back to this soon)
– Not fit. Like,,,not fit at all
– Looks about 17
– Is actually 15
– Is possibly the most Irish you could ever get
– Is actually not someone people would want to date
– But is actually very attractive (WHY IS EVERYONE SO FREAKING ATTRACTING, MY GOD)

Mental traits:
– VERY immature
– Is not actually a teenager
– Is probably about 10
– I want to say he’s very entertaining but he’s actually not
– SO ENERGETIC
– Not calm. At all
– Fun. That’s all

Other Notes (me, laughing about them, that’s all):
– Is actually very unimportant but I love them too much to cut the out so they are staying for as long as I can possibly keep them because of that.
– THEY WOULD BE MY BEST FRIEND
– Kinda literally a cross between Holt, the Weasley twins and Leo. But I don’t know how that would work.
– Porbably would be able to pass as a Weasley
– Talks so fast and with such a strong accent that no one can understand a word they say but no one actually cares
– Is a child.
– Has far too much energy for As and Kai

Conversations with Luke:
– “no. Just no. Don’t even bother asking”
– “You. Cannot. Kick. Me. Out. Never.”
– “ready to die, bitch?”


Aria or Ariel if you’re Asterin:

Physical description fun points:
– Is 16.
– Looks 12
– Has the biggest baby-face
– Hella adorable.
– Rich, white girl look-alike

Mental traits:
– Crazy is the only way to describe her
– GAY AF
– You have never met more of a Hufflepuff in your life
– Talkative.
– She talks too much. Way too much.
– Soft.
– You do not understand how gay.
– Too gay to comprehend

Other Notes (me, hating on my character):
– She would wind me up so much and I would hate her so much
– Is kinda a little bit like Luna
– But is also Luna’s opposite
– She’s adorable and I would actually love her
– I actually hate her
– She’s like,,,too nice
– She is actually someone I know and hate. But also love. So…

Conversations with Aria:
– “no honey, you actually love me, just admit it.”
– “I will NOT shut up. Don’t tell me to shut up. I will not shut up.”
– “Hi. I’m gay.”

and i love y’all so much that you get this sketch of Kai of a koi that i drew on his character sketch because it cracks me up

And lastly…Asterin (As (pronounced AZ)) (this will get interesting and I would recommend reading it):

Physical description fun points:
– HOT,,,VERY HOT
– ‘HI, DATE ME’ HOT
– Witchy vibes…watch out
– Very, very, very fit
– Hot
– Looks very mature
– Well-built
– Is actually perfect
– Supermodel beautiful
– Supermodel tall
– IS ACTUALLY A SUPERMODEL

Mental traits:
– Cold
– Dark.
– Sarcastic
– Scary if you don’t know her
– Also scary is you know her
– Scary.
– Slytherin
– Charismatic
– DO NOT GET ON HER BAD SIDE
– Disruptive
– So mature it isn’t fair

Other Notes (me, being gay for my character):
– Look, I want to date her
– There is not doubt that, given half a chance, I would date her
– HI. CAN ASTERIN NOT BE FICTIONAL SO I CAN DATE HER.
– Winks. A lot. Like,,,a lot, a lot. Like, more than Luke a lot.
– Can someone please let me date her?
– Think Reyna but think Bellatrix but think Rosa but think none of the above.
– I’m gay for her. Very gay for her.

Conversations with As:
– “don’t. Just don’t. I’m not in the mood.”
– “don’t. You. Dare. Look. At. Her. She’s mine.”
– “no, there is not a bird on my shoulder. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU IDIOT?!”


So that’s the end of that. The end of me hyperventilating about how amazing my characters are. I love them all and they’re all very important to me. Thank you.

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Right Now #2 | A Few Weeks Late But Oh Well | Like, 50% Musicals???

Hi-Ho

This is very, very late but that’s fine. This is the playlist I spent the majority of last month listening to.

If you missed last month’s post, what I do here is list my favourite songs from the playlist so you can check them all out. The entire playlist is available here if you want to check it all out. Let us begin with this.


Six | Six
96,000 | In the Heights
Get Down | Six
Cell Block Tango | Chicago
Monster | Frozen: The Broadway Musical
Omar Sharif | The Band’s Visit
Raging | Kygo, Kodaline
Gabriel | Kodaline
Before You Start Your Day | Twenty One Pilots
waves (piano) | chloe moriondo
Trouble (stripped) | Halsey
Murder Song (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) [acoustic] | AURORA
Mockingbird | Eminem
The Monster | Rihanna, Eminen
Novocaine | Fall Out Boy
Billie Jean | Kodaline
bury a friend | Billie Eilish
Chlorine – Alt Mix | Twenty One Pilots
It’s Quiet Uptown | Hamilton
Guns and Ships | Hamilton

Now, because I have several pieces of homework due tomorrow including a speech draft on why we shouldn’t procrastinate that I’ve procrastinated for the last 10 days, I’m not going to put in pictures of album covers but you can find them. Sorry.


I hope y’all have had a very good week and have a good day. Go listen to the playlist if you want, there are 49 songs and it takes you 3 hours and 19 minutes to listen to.
Now I’m going to go pack some things and finish all my homework. Adios.

see you in the next post!
emily xo

HI, BONJOUR, HOLA | A reintroduction post because no one on here seems to know who I am

Bonjour, hola, hi. I’m reintroducing myself because I’m bored, want to post and stuck in a motel room! What fun. Also this may have something to do with the fact that pretty much no one knows anything about me because my About page was updated about 12 months ago and the only introduction post I’ve ever done was the first post on here which was approximately 251 posts ago.

And now I’m here and I’m going to be doing this thing. Because I can and I have no motivation to do anything but it. Please enjoy very much.

*swirly thing that moves all my writing on so you know that this is no longer the intro*

shwooooooooooooooosh

Ah, there it is. (look kids, I just took that picture, be proud of me. the quality is absolutely awful, it was taken on my laptop) Right. Now to actually begin.

I actually don’t know what tf I’m doing, so I’m going to go Google (YouTube???) and search for people doing introduction videos and shit for the next 15 minutes.

*back from my 2 hour search for these videos with lots of information*

Okay, so I have lots of ideas now. Not really but hey, let’s just do this.

According to all these YouTube videos I need to be wearing a cropped, off the shoulder shirt. I’m wearing that. I also need to be wearing jeans. Which I’m not. But I am sitting on a bed which is good. With that all being said, my favourite video I saw was one of this super cute girl in super cute clothing just doing some fun stuff and being super excited and I loved her. She was fun and enthusiastic like me and I loved that so much. But still, none of that was actually good. Let’s do this from now on.

Hmmm, maybe I need to do another thing and make this a second intro. Let’s do that.


My kids. Welcome.

My name, is Emily. Spelt with an ‘E’ at the start and a ‘y’ at the end. Not an ‘A’ at the start and an ‘ie’ at the end. E-M-I-M-I-M-I-L-Y. That’s out of the way now. So yes.

Bonjour, hola, hi.

I was born in the lovely New Zealand in two-thousanddddddddddd and fourrrrrrrrrrrrr. If you aren’t any good at maths that means I am 15 this year which is freaking scary. Insanely freaking scary. It also means that next year I can get my restricted and I will be able to drive an actual car. Which is extra super scary. So yes, I will be an old human on Juillet 8 this year. (if you speak no language that means July, you idiot. in French) So I grew up in Christchurch in the South Island of New Zealand and when I was eight I moved to Somewhere in the North Island of New Zealand. Somewhere is the place I now live. In all honesty, I live near the bottom of the North Island in the middle and my famdamily aims to move soon. I will continue to keep you all updated on this shit as it happens.

In short, I am 14 and live in the North Island of New Zealand.

But anyway my house and shit and things like that. I live on a random little mini farm thing and we own lots of animals and things that will all need to be sold when we move. Which is all Gucci. So I own some darling animals, I own my beautiful baby bunnies (all 6 of them currently, 3 babies and 3 adults) and I breed them to not be a broke teen and buy a laptop. Their names are Jane[Doe], Talitha and something else for the breeding buns (I have an unnamed male bun, yes) and Kisses, Ice and Spice for the bubba buns. They’re freaking adorable and I NEED YOU TO BUY THEM BECAUSE NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO. I also own one kitty cat who’s name is Sparkle Diamond Lovehert Snowflake and y’all can judge all you want because I was 5 when I named her. I own some beautiful cows, I own a beautiful cow creature who is very big and bootiful (my boo) and is called Bamberooni because when she was teeny tiny she was brown with white specks and looked like Bambi from, y’know, Bambi. Then I have Boombi’s calf who’s name is Floozle or Furie and another bubba cow who’s name is Fred. And she’s my favourite thing in the entire world. (yes we completely ruined fucking gender stereotybes and named her Fred) And that’s pretty much all the animals I own. I also do love my little baby Dave who is not so much of a baby but a cow and not mine but I raised him so he’s mine.

In short, we own lots of animals and I love them all.

Hmm, so apparently I really ought to deal with the small matter of family. I really ought to talk to you about my family. So I shall do that right now. Also please note that that was a joke and I really am going to cover my family. So I have two sisterz. two teeny tiny little child sisterz. With a zzzzzzz. They are young children and they are 6 or 7 on Saturday and the other child is 9 and their names are Briar and Tiara Tara and they’re both so incredibly annoying because they’re so young and I’m so olddddddddd. But hey I have siblings and we’re good at fighting and arguing and screaming and it’s all good. I also have parentals who are old and stuff. One parent is my mother and the other is my father and I live with them and stuff. Anyway they don’t want their ages online (lmao why not?) but their names are Andi and Adrian for your information.

In short, I have two sisters called Tara and Briar and two parents called Andi and Adrian.

Now, me. Let’s begin some things with me. I am very boring. I go to an all girls’ school over an hour away from my house in the city that my mother works in which is why we’re moving. So that’s some fun. I’m going into year 10 and if someone can please do some things in the comments to translate this to some different country year/grade things that’d be great. But I’m going into my second year of high school. Now, now. I’m taking the year 11 maths course too because I like maths and stuff and am taking an accelerate maths course which means big exams this year. I’m a nerd. I might do a post at some point about my school + school life and that’ll happen then and you’ll learn about me school.

In short, I go to an all girls’ school, am in my second year and am taking a third year maths course because I’m a nerd.

Some more about me now. I’m a queer teen and have an attraction to girls and feminine non-binary human beans. I haven’t ‘really” dated anyone before and stuff like that and if you want to know more about that comment. I don’t know how else to identify other than that romantic attraction wise. I have a lot of aesthetic and platonic attraction and crushes and I love them a lot and would like to have some internet friends. Please be my friend. I identify gender-wise as non-binary and I use they/them pronouns. I have been doing so for about 6 months now and feel really comfortable with them. Pretty much I don’t identify or feel like I am a girl or a boy so please, please, please don’t call me one. I suffer from a whole lot of chest dysphoria and hate my chest and love wearing huge clothing to hide it *is wearing a tight crop top lmao* and would really like a binder but don’t have the guts to tell my parents. I also don’t have the guts to tell them that I hate them telling me that I’m a daughter, sister, girl, lady etc.. But that’s a fun thing.

In short, I am attracted to feminine people and use they/them pronouns and it’s also confirmed that I’m a very large coward.

More about me lmao. Quick things are that I suffer from a few mental illnesses and sometimes…see a school counsellor and haven’t the guts to tell my parents that I would like to actually see a therapist. I have depression, anxiety and social anxiety, I also have a huge issue with both body image and eating disorders (anorexia mainly) and sleeping which is fun. I post a whole bunch about that on here which is great. I don’t want to do so much.

In short, I have depression, social anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia and anorexia.

We’re going to end this post (mainly because it’s 11.47pm and my mother in in the room behind me and I’m in a motel room) on my ambitions for this blog. Ambitions for this blog and posts I’m going to be doing from now on.

So I would really like to be posting about music more because I love music I also want to be doing some more fun with my story and characters and I want to start doing some fun little tags and stuff with these characters just to you get to know them all a bit better. I want to stop doing so much about mental health and LGBTQ+ stuff because I feel like I post too much about that stuff and I don’t enjoy it much. I might do one or two of those every month which is great. I also want to post more about some reading and books as well as goals and stuff on here. I also want to do some more sorta craft, cooking, bullet journal (because I’m getting one of those), fashion, school and room tours and stuff like that but I think that’s all too much for at least this blog and I’m going to start up a new blog (on this account because I’m awful at other accounts) and I’m going to chuck all of that on here. It will also mean that y’all aren’t going to have a post every two days, rather a post every four days on here and the same on there. But those are my goals for here.

In short, I’m posting about writing, reading, gay, depression, goals and music and starting a new blog for bullet journalling, craft, fashion, school, organisation and cooking shit.

this is an actual real life photo of me in life

Now please note that I entirely cover my depression and intense emotional wreck in humour and faux comedy. Also sarcasm. SO yes. Love me or leave me.


So that my dears was the end of that. You now know some more about me and I am now going to go and do some editing shit on here and make a cover image, insert some pictures of me, add some fun tags and actually post this thing. Then I might update my fun about page but that might also happen tomorrow. that’s going to happen tomorrow because I’m a lazy bastard and ain’t gonna do that at, oh, oh wait. It’s 12.01. AM. So I’m going to do all this stufff today and do the stuff with my About page sometime in the later stages of the day. The morning.

I’ve just realised how incredibly boring this is and how uncomedic this post is which surprises me. I think it was probably because I was super tired and it was super late when I posted this. But then again today I’m feeling the same way today but it’s early. That’s fun though.

In short, I need to edit and add shit to this and go to bed because it’s early in the morning and I need to do that shit and then I’m going to do everything else later today.

So here’s a fun thing. I’ve worked for four hours to write this post. It is now 12.00 noon the next day and I’m going to do some editing now and that’s a lot of fun. I will spend the next fifteen minutes editing this and then at about 11pm I’ll finish is which is great fun.

Update: it’s 8:40 pm and I’ve just finished this and I’m now going to add some fun tags and then schedule it for the time you’ll see it which is 1 minute past midnight.

see you in the next post!
emily xo

How to Cut Your Hair At Home | Please Don’t Try This + My Mild Failure???

I cut my hair the other day.

I had a sudden urge to cut my ponytail off and so I did so. It wasn’t the best idea. But it saved me $30. So this is how I did it. Enjoy!!!

Rainbow-feather-2

Step 1:

get a sudden urge to cut your ponytail off whilst sitting on your desk, procrastinating tidying your bedroom reading amazing Fierrochase fanfiction, talking to friends over Instagram, listening to Hamilton on full volume and drawing Teddy Lupin when you feel absolutely rubbish and dysphoric.

Step 2:

decide that you are going to cut your ponytail off so go and find a pair of scissors, a mirror (urgh, dysphoria) and tie your hair up into a low ponytail. then pull the ponytail out and put the hair into two very low pigtails and get ready to cut your hair all off.

Step 3:

pick up the scissors and go SNIP straight through the pigtail on the left side of your face right up next to the hairtie and watch all your lovely hair all off and land on the carpet in clumps. proceed to do the same thing with the other pigtail and look at all the hair on the floor.

Step 4:

stare at all the hair on the floor for a while and then start screaming because you actually did it (scream quietly so no one thinks you’re going to die) and pull the hairties out to look at your new hairstyle.

Step 5:

actually notice that the hair does not look even and really needs some sorting out so trim it a little bit more and watch more hair fall everywhere and get up your nose and make you sneeze.

Step 6:

give up and go back to sitting in your pit of misery until you decide to go and show people.

Step 7:

show people your new hairstyle and get told off for cutting your hair on your carpet. proceed to have to vacuum your floor to remove all the hair. but do all this whilst flipping your hair and quoting Aaron Burr, Sir (majorly the: ‘oui, oui, mon amie je m’appelle Lafayette’ line because it’s great).

Step 8:

post on your Instagram story the fact that you have just failed at cutting your hair and don’t regret it.

Step 9:

two days later, persuade your mother to even the ends of your hair out so it looks good. wash it, spray it with lightening spray and lemon juice to make it brighter before summer and enjoy your new look!

Rainbow-feather-2

Now, I did this and this is what happened (the room is still not tidy lol). The following is a picture of the before and after, it looks averagely okay and I actually really like it. But still please don’t try this if you are not prepared for the consequences.

So yes. That happened and I thought that it would be some fun to tell y’all about.

The end. Love you lots. Goodbye!

Love Always, Emily

The 100 Truths Tag | A Post In Which I Share Far Too Much About Myself and Cover Very Controversial Issues For 300 Followers!

I’m ready to reveal myself online! More than I ALREADY HAVE!!! This’ll be very awkward.

So, for 300 followers (we have over 320 now!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!) I’m going to completely reveal myself in this 100 Truths Tag that I have seen several times. Most recently on May’s blog. So, thanks May for this, it was great to read about your life and I’m now gonna do the same!

Before I begin, I would like to add a disclaimer in here because some of these thing could be controversial. This is all my opinion. I do not want anyone to get offended or upset. Everything I write in these next few questions is all what I think and I totally get that several people have different beliefs, I’m more than happy with that.

Rainbow-feather-2

BASICS:

1. what’s your name?

Emily. It’s my real name 100%, I haven’t changed it for here.

2. any nicknames or aliases?

Nothing much, sometimes Em.

3. your gender?

Genderqueer/agender. I don’t really know what I am but I consider myself agender or questioning. I use they/them pronouns.

4. your star sign?

Cancer. I should be a Gemini though, given all the tests out there that I’ve taken.

5. how old are you?

14. I’m a young human. AND I’M PROUD OF IT. I have had a lot of people tell me I come across a lot older than that, but I am 14. Really.

6. your relationship status?

Contrary to popular belief, I’m single. I almost had a girlfriend but no such luck #demiromantic issues.

7. any children?

I’M 14, ACE AND SINGLE. NO. I ALSO DO NOT WISH TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE FUTURE.

8. any pets?

Too many to count, but the rabbits are my favourites. I love them so much.

IMG_20180825_113045
they’re just so darling and ADORABLE!

9. any piercings or tattoos?

Normal lobe piercings in both ears and a cartilage piercing in my right one. No tattoos.

10. what do you like about yourself?

My maths brain, by art skills, my eyes and my flexibility. Um, I think that’s it.

11. what do you dislike about yourself?

My chest, my hips, my dysphoria…what else do you want? I’m a severely dysphoric, mentally ill person, I don’t like much about myself. As listed above.

12. righty or lefty?

Righty for writing, lefty for most other things, kicking, jumping, throwing. I do most things with the left side of my body.

Rainbow-feather-2

LASTS:

13. last thing you drunk:

I really don’t know, water probably?

14. last thing you ate:

Strawberries. Yummy, sweet, juicy strawberries, the first of the season. I ate three of them. They tasted very good.

15. your last phone call:

*checks* I don’t call many people, but my father on Thrusday at 7:17am.

16. your last text message:

I don’t text often, but my last message I sent was to a friend saying “thank you for the hot people”.

17. your last email:

I emailed Elizabeth last night in reply to an email about my last post.

18. the last song you listened to:

Luv Song by Chloe Moriondo which is amazing. You should go check her out, she has amazing music and is really young and sweet. Luv Song is great.

19. the last book you read:

Um, War Storm by Victoria Aveyard. Look out for the review coming soon, it was great book and I really hope it’s not the end of the series!

20. the last time you cried:

Monday when I had a huge anxiety attack and was just too stressed and upset to do life. It was not much fun.

21. the last blog you read:

The darling Starling @ Starling.

22. the last person you spoke to:

Either my mum or sister, but I think the latter.

23. the last place you visited:

What? Is this like the last place I went? If so, school yesterday.

24. your last holiday abroad:

I’ve never been overseas, so nowhere. Not applicable.

Rainbow-feather-2

HAVE YOU EVER:

25. have you ever got back together with an ex?

No, I have never had a partner, let alone an ex.

26. have you ever been cheated on?

No, I have never had a partner.

27. have you ever cheated on anyone?

No, I reiterate the fact that I HAVE NEVER HAD A PARTNER!

28. have you ever lost someone special to you?

Yes, my old best friends (two of them) and my grandmother.

29. have you ever been so drunk you threw up?

No, I’ve never drunk, never been drunk and even if I had I could not admit it on here where my parents can see. No.

30. have you ever fallen out of love with someone?

Nope. Never fallen into love with someone either.

31. have you ever met someone who changed you?

I guess so, most of my friends have had some kind of huge impact on me. I don’t know if I’d say they’ve changed me though…

32. have you ever been in a situation where you found out who your real friends are?

Yes, a couple of times, mostly this year after opening up and coming out and losing a few friends who didn’t want to be around me like that. It was hard but it got better.

33. have you ever kissed someone you probably shouldn’t have?

I’ve never actually kissed someone, so nope.

34. have you ever found out people were talking about you behind your back?

Oh, on several occasions! I don’t really care though, it’s not worth worrying too much about.

35. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I don’t know? I kinda hope not?!

36. have you ever kissed a stranger?

Nope.

37. have you ever had your own heart broken?

No? Well I’ve felt like I’d die when a couple of my OTP’s didn’t happen in books (looking at you Wolfstar), but not really, no.

38. have you ever had sex on the first date?

  1. NO.
  2. NO, I’M ASEXUAL.
  3. NO, I’M UNDERAGE.
  4. NO, BUT IN RED AND BOLD TO MAKE A POINT.

39. have you ever been arrested?

No, I’ve been in police cars though. But no. I’m too scared to do anything too bad.

40. have you ever been attracted to someone that isn’t the gender you usually find attractive?

I’m demi and have only had one crush (I was 10) so I wouldn’t really know, but no. I do find several (gay male) cosplayers attractive though. Never been attracted to people really.

41. have you ever done something you regret?

Heck of a lot of things. For example, not getting help with my mental issues earlier.

42. have you ever had a threesome?

  1. NO.
  2. NO, I’M ASEXUAL.
  3. NO, I’M UNDERAGE.
  4. NO, BUT IN RED AND BOLD TO MAKE A POINT.

43. have you ever embarrassed yourself in public?

Oh, several times!

44. have you ever misjudged someone?

Yes, I misjudged several of my really good friends as snobbish brats at the start of the year and several snobbish brats as lovely people. I don’t think anyone can say no to this, we all misjudge people, we just shouldn’t judge people.

Rainbow-feather-2

YOUR BELIEFS & OPINIONS

45. do you believe in God?

No, I’m an atheist. I don’t want anyone to get offended. I don’t believe in a God but think that people are 100% entitled to their own opinions, beliefs and views and I will not criticise anyone for these.

46. do you believe in yourself?

Not usually, but sometimes.

47. do you believe in Santa Claus?

Haven’t since I was about 7. Sorry Santy.

48. do you believe in ghosts?

I don’t know. There is definitely some supernatural being out there, maybe ghosts, maybe not? So I guess I believe in ghosts?

49. do you believe in aliens?

Again, I don’t know. We have such a FREAKING HUGE UNIVERSE that it’s almost impossible for there not to be anything else out there. I really think that there is something else out there, maybe not aliens, but something. Like the ghosts.

50. do you believe in miracles?

Yes. I don’t even know what to say about this. But yes, I do believe in miracles.

51. do you believe in the power of positive thinking?

Yes. If you completely change your thought processes to positive thoughts and eradicate all traces of negativity from your brain you WILL feel better. It works really well for me in both depressive and anxious moments.

52. do you believe in love at first sight?

Not as a demi, but maybe for others? I don’t think so though, definitely in attraction at first sight though. (for others too)

53. can money make you happy?

Yes! Money can buy you books and help that can make you happier. It can really impact on you in a positive way. But other things can make you happy for free too. Like friends and animals and art.

54. would you describe yourself as a feminist?

Yes. Yes, yes yes. 100%. I want gender equality and don’t understand the people out there who don’t.

55. are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-choice. I believe that you have the ability to choose what you want and what is good for you. Whatever I had chosen here I would have got hate for it. This also doe not mean that I am all for abortion, I just believe that people should be able to have the choice to deal with their own life.

56. do you have strong political beliefs?

Not really? I try to avoid politics at all costs but it’s rather hard. I do believe in certain things and do have a political party that I support completely, but politics is a very difficult, touchy subject and is often easier to just stay right out of.

57. do you have strong religious beliefs?

No. I don’t feel any connection to any religion. I’m not a religious person at all.

58. what do you think the most important thing you can give a child is?

Love, support, care and validation! A child will thrive if you give them the things they so desperately want. If you want a child to do well you have to give them the things that you would like. The things that you would thrive on.

Rainbow-feather-2

RIGHT NOW

59. are you eating anything right now?

Nope.

60. are you drinking anything right now?

Water.

61. what are you listening to right now?

My workout playlist which is kind of weird given that I’m lying on my bed being lazy! But Geronimo by Sheppard is currently playing in the background.

62. what are you thinking about right now?

Why I just sent a message to someone saying that I was happy about something and they sent back “Well I’m always here to help you if you’re having a hard time, poor, poor you.” and how I’m managing to hack the Instagram messaging system and send multiple hearts at once.

63. what are you waiting for right now?

The rain to stop so I can get on with my life.

64. what are you most excited about right now?

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS FOR A BIG SCHOOL-BASED COMPETITION THAT COULD TAKE US TO SYDNEY THAT’S ON NEXT SATURDAY!

65. what’s your pet hate right now?

That I’m wearing a cropped top and my stomach is revealed, that the WiFi is shit and that the rain won’t stop and has been going on since about Tuesday.

66. what’s your favorite thing right now?

Um, my amazing faux-mink blanket that I’ve got draped across me and have had for the last 2 hours I’ve been writing for.

67. if you weren’t answering these questions, what would you be doing right now?

Homework or procrastinating it by watching YouTube or messaging my friends.

Rainbow-feather-2

FIRSTS

68. your first best friend:

If I remember correctly a boy called George who I spent the first 5 years of my life with being babysat by him mum when my parents were at work.

69. your first kiss:

Never had one.

70. your first celebrity crush:

It’s kinda weird, but also shows my demiromanticness, but my first celebrity crush is this year on Bex Taylor-Klaus who is incredibly hot and has the most beautiful eyes and an amazing voice. They’re my first crush since my first one on my best friend’s sister when I was 10. And it’s a celebrity crush, so doesn’t count.

71. your first holiday:

How would I know?!

72. your first pet:

We had a dog called Stoli, another called Fish and a cat called Monster when I was born, so them? Else I owned my own dog called Rosie when I was 4.

73. your first regret:

Um, who knows?!

74. your first job:

I have a half job washing towels and doing a stocktake now, so that I guess?

Rainbow-feather-2

WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

76. love or money?

Platonic love is amazing. I don’t think I could deal with the pressure I would feel was on me with romantic love, but love over money any day.

77. twitter or facebook?

Neither, but Twitter I guess?

78. hook up or relationship?

100% relationship.

79. dogs or cats?

CATSCATSCATSCATSCATS!

80. coffee or tea?

Herbal tea. Coffee and I had a bad run in a while back in which I stayed up all night after drinking 3 coffees and throwing up several times. I spent the night shaking. It put me off for life. Although…sweetened almond-soy milk lattes are very good.

81. beer or wine?

Neither. They’re both gross and sour and bitter and I would highly recommend that anyone currently drinking them stops right now.

82. sweet or savory?

Depends how I’m feeling, what I’m craving, how my eating’s going and what I’ve already eaten. But usually sweet.

83. introvert or extrovert?

Extrovert at heart but introverted by mental illnesses. Also it depends who I’m around. So probably ambivert?

84. vampires or werewolves?

Vampires if I had to choose one.

85. seaside or countryside?

Seasides are pretty but I have an irrational fear of the ocean, so countryside.

86. summer or winter?

Autumn. But winter I guess out of these two.

87. books or movies?

BOOKS OF COURSE. WHOEVER MADE UP THIS TAG IS AN IDIOT. (no offence!)

88. horror or comedy?

Horror completely. But there are so many books and movies I haven’t dealt with yet that I must… *cackles evilly*

Rainbow-feather-2

RANDOM QUESTIONS TO FINISH ON

89. do you wish you could change your past?

I can’t change what has already happened. I feel that dwelling on the past has a huge negative impact on me as a person (talking to YOU anxiety). But if I could change one thing it would be not giving up on certain people as early as I did. There are several smaller things that I wish I could change too, but that’s okay.

What has happened, has happened,

What has been, has been,

And those are the facts,

Even if never forseen.

~ Some dude in one of my stories

90. what’s your dream job?

A psychologist. I would love to be a psychologist. I really want to deal with the brain and help people out of their struggles. I want to find out more about mental illnesses and stuff like that. It all really intrigues me.

91. what’s your guilty pleasure?

Lots of things. Lying in bed not doing anything, not thinking anything, under my mink blanket is right up there.

92. what are you afraid of?

A few things. Losing the people I hold dear to me, oceans and moths for example.

93. what was the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up?

Who knows? I think probably something like a hairdresser or a horserider maybe?

94. if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

SHAPESHIFTING! OUT OF MY WAY DYSPHORIA! MY SHAPESHIFTING TALENTS ARE HERE TO REMOVE YOU FROM MY BODY COMPLETELY! I would love that a lot.

95. if you could change anything about your life what would it be?

I would remove all my mental illnesses, disorders and issues from my life. It would be very…freeing. And also, I would like to get rid of all my stresses about pleasing my friends.

96. would you want immortality?

No way. I couldn’t deal with living forever, not being able to do anything. I can’t imagine watching everyone I love dying off around me while I just watch on, that’s one of my biggest fears. Also, just watching the world fall into disrepair would be so hard.

97. if you could interview anyone alive or dead who would you choose?

My parents and friends. I would like to know more about them. WATCH THIS SPACE, THERE SHOULD BE AN INTERVIEW WITH A FAMILY MEMBER SOMETIME SOON!

98. would you say you are happy?

Now? I’m mildly content. I have nothing going on right now and have just got things off my chest. In general? I’ve kind of just worked out a way to numb my body so I don’t really feel much in terms of pain or emotions. I’m pretty (as I say to EVERYONE ALL THE TIME) ‘meh’. I’m fine. I’m not good, not bad. Not happy, not sad. Just numb so I can’t feel the pain of the small triggers.

99. what one piece of advice would you give to yourself at age eighteen?

Well, I’m 14, so I’ll give my future self some advice.

Stay alive. Keep living.

Hold onto your friends. Remember your family.

~ Emily to their 18 year old self.

Can I do this to myself at age eight? Actually, I wrote a letter to my younger self about six months ago that I’ll publish at some point on here.

100. where would you like to be in five years’ time?

Happy, free of mental illness (we can dream) and still with amazing friends. Also, in university studying to become a psychologist. (refer to a part in this post for more on this sort of thing but in 10 years)

Rainbow-feather-2

Holy heck! That was a very long post! I’m seriously very sorry! If you’ve read to the end, thank you so much, it really means a lot that you have read through this ENTIRE 3000 WORD POST! This must be one of my longest posts ever! It also took me over three hours to write. And I somehow managed to write it all in one sitting??? How does that work???

So thanks for getting to the end! What are your opinions on these topics? Thanks again for 300 followers! I’m so happy and y’all mean a lot to me!

Rainbow-feather-2

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Sleeping Issues | Fun Post at 2AM

I can’t sleep! Big shock!

The world is shook! Emily, the mentally ill, gay, genderqueer ace is not sleeping! Emily is coming to the world at 2AM when they should be sleeping after scrolling through instagram feeds of Drarry accounts for the past hour? Who’d have thought?! So, fittingly, today’s post is going to be about the lovely things stopping me from sleeping at this amazing time (namely insomnia and anxiety).

Also, no feature image or fancy graphics because I cannot be bothered and the internet connecting is shit and not wanting to work at 2AM! I am shooketh! And sad, so sorry guys. Can you deal with it? Please? I hope you can.

Rainbow-feather-2

I don’t know if I have stated previously, but I suffer from insomnia that fluctuates between being very high level and ultra functioning and being nothing and letting me sleep. Currently it is at the high end of the spectrum.  Else I would be sleeping right now. (also, please note that I began writing this at 1:30ish but didn’t finish it until 2AM and changed the time to fit it.) Insomnia is classified as ‘Persistent problems falling and staying asleep. Most cases of insomnia are related to poor sleeping habits, depression, anxiety, lack of exercise, chronic illness or certain medication. Symptoms may include difficulty falling or staying asleep and not feeling well-rested. Treatment for insomnia consists of improving sleep habits, behaviour therapy and identifying and treating underlying causes. Sleeping pills may also be used, but should be monitored for side effects.’ by Wikipedia (yes, I am that simple, please bear in mind that it is 1:30AM). So it’s another disorder I have, this time a sleeping one! I should write a book on my disorders, name it ‘Not Becoming a Number: A Guide To Life With a Mentally Ill Human Bean’. It’ll go famous. Updates will be coming soon, watch this space!

So I’m sitting here, at my laptop with a hot water bottle on my lap and an empty mug with a chamomile teabag in it next to me and thinking. And writing this post. I got the idea for it at 11:32PM last night when I was in the kitchen getting said hot water bottle and said chamomile tea and my father  was telling me off for still being awake. Like it was entirely my fault! I had been lying in bed at that point for over an hour and sleep still had not become of me. It was not much fun. And I had awful cramps (hence the hot water bottle) and was feeling very sick. It was not nice. And now, about 10 minutes ago I had the idea to write a blog post at 1:30AM about insomnia and not being able to sleep to help enlighten people about it. Hence this post.

Rainbow-feather-2

So you know what insomnia is, a disorder stopping people from getting to or staying asleep. It often leads to people feeling dead and drowsy during the day. This is very true, getting to sleep at 1-4AM and waking up at 5-6AM is not exactly much fun. You fall asleep and a couple of hours later proceed to wake up and get on with life. Surprisingly for me, my schoolwork and grades still seem to be maintaining their high standards (and are often done in the stupid, useless hours of the morning. eg. the PE work that I finished yesterday at about 1AM). But for me, during the day I have very little energy and (shockingly) eating does not help. And I generally don’t eat. So that’s a little bit of fun. Not sleeping leads to peers telling you that you look ‘kinda, a little bit dead and in need of a hug and a really good night’s sleep’ which is lovely and often true. But it’s not very helpful and sometimes gets a bit annoying. But I love my classmates, they’re lovely people. But yeah, I do look very dead in the mornings when I am running on 3 hours sleep. AND…EYE CREAMS DON’T SEEM TO HELP EYE-CIRCLES WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING ON LITTLE FOOD OR SLEEP!!! Shocking, I know!

When I get 5 hours of sleep I literally scream and run around in circles and get really excited and yell and throw a big party because I have actually slept. You see, often when I do get to sleep at a ‘reasonable’ time (1AMish) I often won’t get the 5 hours of sleep (assuming I’m going to wake up at 6AM) because of sleep disruptions caused by sleep issues. I will get to sleep and then wake up at 3 and not be able to get back to sleep until 3:30-4ish which is great and decreases my total hours of sleep tally. Of course. So if I magically manage to actually sleep that full time, or wake up later and actually get 5 hours of sleep, I am really excited. I know that it’s silly and the recommended hours of sleep is usually about 8-9 for my age. And your age. And everyone else’s age.

Rainbow-feather-2

Now, the causes of my sleep deprivation. Well, well, well, these differ, but they usually come down to one thing: anxiety. My brain spins at hundreds of kilometres an hour deciding what it is going to focus on and not actually doing that, so just spinning around for hours. It goes around and remembers everything I haven’t done during the last day that I should have. Or it thinks about everything I need to do the next day. Or when I’m going to do them. Or how I’m going to do them. Or it goes over all the things I’ve said to people. And it goes through them all and decides just ho dumb they all are. And just how pointless each of the things I have said is. Or it goes over the things that people have said to me. Usually it is something that one specific person has said to me that I just dwell on her hours. The one thing looping over and over in my head. It just goes on and on and on. Which is fun, because then I end up in a full-blown panic attack at 2AM because of this ONE THING that ONE PERSON has said to me during that ONE DAY. And that is not fun. Usually it is that one last thing that means I do not sleep for hours and hours. And usually it is one person who says something that goes around and around for hours. One certain person who knows exactly who they are. The same person who often triggers me with the things they say without thinking. They know who they are and I don’t think I’ll call them out on here, publicly. If you’re reading this, person , and know that it is you I am talking about, feel free to stop doing it and apoligise to me. I’d like that. Anyway, I’m off topic again!!! Lol, big surprise, it’s almost 2AM, what exactly do you expect?!

Rainbow-feather-2

And (I think) finally! WHAT THE INSOMNIA LEADS ME TO DOING!!! Well, shall we go from mad to madder or from madder to mad? I think we’ll go for mad to madder. So, the not so mad things. Well, writing this blog post is one of the not-so mad things I have done. Also drawing mini OCs, reading books and talking to friends via Instagram (people with similar issues or who live across the globe are great) are mildly mad things I have done. Now going slightly madder now, I have done entire school projects in the early hours of the morning. Also written chapters of my stories, written entire short stories, short film scripts, I have edited a short film and then proceeded to delete it at 2AM before. I also am known to post things on my Insta stories, comment things on people’s posts and go through Drarry posts at this sort of time too. And finally, to go extra med, I have been known to do entire ab workouts, tidy my room completely, organise my desk, and sew complete costumes for competitions (Friday night between 1 and 3AM) in the early hours of the morning. The workouts is probably the most common of all these things. I often do 20-40 minute workouts when I can’t get to sleep. Things including 100 crunches, 50 situps, 20 pushups, 100 Russian twists and that sort of thing. It means I get it all out of the way before I go to school! And sometimes, very rarely, but when I feel really awful and just sticky and gross (yes, I feel sticky at 2AM when there is nothing on me, comment is you get this too) I have showered to see if I can relieve the problem. Note: this barely ever happens and the feeling does not go away. Oh, and I often find LGBTQ+ things in the early hours of the morning, listen to Waterparks, P!ATD, Dodie and Openside, and find things I want to buy on Amazon, Wish and Etsy. It’s great. I am 100% normal.
Rainbow-feather-2
Here’s the thing though, in all honesty, at 1:59AM, I do know that this is a messed up thing to be doing. But I also know that it could be important for people to know that they are not the only one(s) suffering with this disorder. I mean, I don’t know many people who have similar sleeping issues and are willing to talk about them. I don’t think that anyone will take this part of this post seriously given the rest of it, but that’s cool. If you do take it seriously though, please know that I will talk to you if you need me to, I can talk to you about your problems on my Insta or email, or even in the comments!
Rainbow-feather-2

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily