It’s been a couple of days since my last moving on post and I’m back again. This series will be covering the process of moving house and moving on from that, it will cover wverything that goes on in that process and not glorify it. It makes it very real and shows the grief of leaving the place you call home and moving to a new one. Both of the previous posts in this series will be linked at the end of this post, but very quickly to recap what has happened in them both:
The first post discussed finding out that we were going to be selling up and moving. It covered my initial thoughts and talked about the place we are moving from.
The second post talked about everything that had happened in the nine weeks from that first post and the fact that we were now moving. It also covered the place we were moving to and the times between sale and movement.
This post will cover my thoughts now, just before we move in a few days. It will cover the things I am happy about and the things I am not happy about along with the emotions I am currently feeling towards this move.
Now into the post, enjoy!
When I heard that the sale had gone through, there was a full moon and I sat outside for 2 hours and watched it. I didn’t know what to think about moving. I cried a lot that night, an awful lot. Almost all that I could think about was what was going to happen, I felt numb and sad. There was a sense of dread in my heart and I wasn’t sure why or what would happen. I think that this caused a lot of the anxiety that I felt in those initial stages. Then it was still a while away, six weeks, and it still didn’t feel real.
Since that time, it’s become a lot more real, but I still don’t think that I ‘know’ what’s going on, four days before the move. I know more than I did, how I’m feeling, but I’m still not super clear on that. I’ll go into more detail on that soon, but for now I want to cover what I’m thinking about the move.
My anxiety has been heightened by the move, but I’ve also felt a lot calmer. It’s been a sense of utter empty calm that I’ve felt, and I’m unsure as to why that is. My emotions have been pretty much flat-lining, before flaring up again, but when they do flare up, it’s not for long, an hour or two.
I’ve been filling my days with a lot of things, I had school camp, a bunch of school tests and I’ve been out with friends more than I ever have. It’s been common for me to go out and just be with friends for two hours after school. It’s been giving me an excuse to forget about moving. But when I get back from all of that and the moving thoughts come back, everything crashes. My depressive episodes have been more regular, but shorter. They’ll be there for an hour, a day, and then they won’t be there. If I get depressed, I get anxious and then the anxiety takes over the depression and it’s not there anymore.
Maybe that’s just being a teenager who fills their days with a whole bunch of stuff, takes classes that require a lot of thought, has unstable friendships and travels a lot, but for me, it’s weird. I’m anxious, but I’m empty. I get the feeling I do when I’m depressed, the emptiness, but I get anxious. There are no thoughts there, but I’m still freaking out about all the thoughts. When there is that gentle sense of ease, calm, it’s scary. Everything is scary.
Right, enough of that. Now the rest of the thoughts, the two emotions that I have avoided covering up there so I can cover them now; sadness and excitement.
I’m sad about moving. About having to get rid of all of the animals but the cats, the dog and the rabbits, the last of which will be gone when we’ve moved. I’m sad about leaving the place I’ve called home for the last six and a half years. I’m sad about losing the land. THe place, the house. I’m sad that I’m going to be losing it all.
I’m sad about it all, it’s all so big and great and scary and it’s just making me sad. Getting rid of the animals took a much greater toll on me that I originally thought it would, but it’s getting better now, slowly.
Next emotion that is really incredibly confusing to me, excitement. I’m excited about moving, and this is a shock to me. I’m sad about it, so incredibly sad about it, but I’m also happy. I’m excited to be in a new place, to have the time to go out in the afternoon and walk the dog. To not be driving three hours a day. I’m excited to be able to go out to movies with my friends on the weekends, to be able to go around to friends places, to be able to do all of the things with my friends that I currently can’t. I’m excited to be moving into a place with bigger rooms, more rooms. I’m excited to see what my room will look like, excited to get a new bed, redecorate the room. I’m excited to see what the aesthetic of the room will end up like. I’m excited because there will be two spare rooms and one will be a music room and the other will be a spare bedroom-sewing room which makes me so happy. I’ll have more storage space, more room, more light. I’m excited to see what we do with the house, what we do with the gardens. I’m excited to have more time, to get home earlier.
It’s the things that excite me that are keeping me going through this. There are more of them, yes, but they’re smaller, sillier things, but it’s good. It’s getting me through this. Through the difficult times of having to get rid of pets, of animals, of the place that I have called home for the past six and a half years.
Those are my mid-way thoughts, dears. I’ll have another set of these in about a week, when I’ve been in the new place for about four days, and we’ll see how I’m feeling then! I’ll be posting these very regularly for now, so keep checking your inbox for them!!!
peace out ma dudes,
Moving On #1
Moving On #2