justified thought procees

midnight sobs

broken sobs at 1am, flickering candles across sketchy papers. freshly picked sunflowers on the windowsill, dark under-eye circles. cold, sweet coffee and quiet words. city lights from a highrise, plants by the window. flannel and soft, sad songs. flower crowns and gentle touches late at night. impatience, pale colours, early morning blog posts. oversized hoodies and warm strawberries. bright sunsets, empty eyes, broken handwritten letters atop a desk. gentle smiles, sadness without reasoning, dancing in the rain. soft laughter. allnighters, easy love. uncompleted homework, filled notebooks. stars at 4am. unshed tears, paint covered hands, late night calls. silver rings, long-haired cats. miniature sketchbooks. smudged pencil lines, impulse buys. late night flirting, embroidered denim. midnight tea, vanilla, doodles in margins. abandoned projects, messy hair. daisies and daffodils. notebooks, new blossoms, fallen leaves. historical musicals. pencil doodles on desks, old books. too many emotions. quiet libraries, procrastination. lavender, nostalgia, photographs. almond milk, raspberries, lattes. spiderwebs, dewdrops in the morning. butterflies. unorganized routines, sad laughter. slam poetry, wax-sealed envelopes. warm sheets, skinny jeans. neon city lights, pressed flowers, tangled headphones. repetitive patterns, shaking fits. numbers, the colour yellow. leaves and bush walks. forgotten words, memorised faces. coloured voices, withheld secrets. quiet conversations, blaring music. torn receipts, rainy days, dark chocolate. old memories, small details. sparkles, journals, muted colour. leather jackets, cafes and cookie dough. piano music, soft whispers, clear skies. sea salt, moonlight, eyes. lemon water, gel pens.

open hearts, empty eyes. broken souls, forgotten thoughts. sad smiles, soft laughs. acoustic music, paint filled pages. taped up photographs, winter mornings.

memories made, faces forgotten.

misplaced dreams.


so that was sort of a ‘my aesthetic’ post. but my aesthetic is a lot of contradicting things bunched together, a bit like me. it’s a lot of soft, yet a lot of dark.
tell me about your aesthetic, just for fun. it doesn’t have to be as long as mine, just as long as the last three or four lines, but it’d be cool to see your aesthetics too!

emily xo

LIFE UPDATE BECAUSE ONE IS NECESSARY AT THIS POINT IN TIME | Emily Rambles About Nothing Useful

My dearest children, welcome. I have greatly missed you.

Anyway, it’s been a while. I suck very much at this blogging thing. Especially at the moment. I do apologise sincerely. I also hope you forgive me for being such a useless person. I really do. It’s also time to update you on what’s happening in my life and what I’ve been doing since I last blogged about my life. Lettuce begin.


Moving

We moved last Friday (29 March) and it’s been an absolute nightmare. We are living out of cardboard boxes (hundreds of them) and everything is a mess. The house is nice, but I miss the old one so much. We also do not have any internet yet as the company who is meant to be supplying it is messing up greatly (that is reason #1 that I haven’t been blogging in the past week).

School

The first term of the year is almost finished and so far it’s going well. I’m getting through everything and I don’t feel like I’m struggling too much. I got good marks in my first maths test of the year which I was super proud of and all my other marks so far seem to be reflecting that (just jinxed myself, didn’t I). Other that PE I’m doing well. PE isn’t going well and it’s the only class that I have actually got a fail mark in. Ever.
For art we’re just going into wearable art and I’m SUPER excited because my design is super fun and I’m loving making, designing and planning it. I’ll be posting about that on the other blog (when I get internet back), so go give that a follow if you want to keep up to date with that!
I’m really loving the classes I’m really loving the classes I’m taking this year and am looking forward to them for the rest of the year.

Friendships

I’ve actually managed to solidify myself a couple of stable friendships. And, y’all, I’m loving it. It’s amazing to have those people who you can relate to and rely on and that you just get along with. I’m having a lot more fun that I was about 6 weeks ago now. I’ve cut another couple of people from my friendships, but its all been for the best and I’m enjoying my life more now that they’re not in it. I’ve also managed to get myself a couple more friends who I don’t talk to all the time, but talk to every now and then, but when we talk, we have amazing conversations and SO MUCH FUN together.
All in all, I’m loving my current friendships and am having a lot of fun with my friends. (I do not have one of my best friends looking over my should as I write this, begging me to write lovely things about her. Not at all.)

General Life

General life is fine. I’m going to cover a few of the other things that have happened in my life since I last really just sat down and talked to y’all.
My rabbit died. Only one of them, but she was pregnant and she died the day after we moved into the new house. I’m thinking it was from the shock of moving. I have one more rabbit who I’m going to sell so I can buy myself a new one.
My other rabbit died. Not the one I’m selling, another one. I was only meant to move with one rabbit, but she died the week before we moved and I was distraught.
My laptop died. A few days ago, my laptop decided it would just BOOM. Die. It was super useful of it, I’m very pleased. Not. (Reason #2 I haven’t been blogging)
I bought a new laptop. Just yesterday, I bought myself the Microsoft Surface Pro 6 along with the majority of the accessories that I was able to buy. My parents sprung me a bit of it, but I paid for the majority of it. So now I can actually blog! On a nice laptop!
I went to the Year 10 school dance. And I loved it. I had so much fun and it was so amazing. I felt so good, comfortable and in my element. I wore a black jumpsuit and red heels and felt so good with myself, my body and everything. It was one of the most fun nights I think I’ve ever had. Three hours of dancing, singing and hanging out with friends. So worth the sore throat the day after!

Mental Health

I began working with a new counsellor. Again. This must be the 12th counsellor I’ve worked with/seen! I swear, it’s so annoying, but I just don’t seem to ‘click’ with anyone! But I think I’m clicking with this one. So far what we’ve discussed has been really good and I’ve been learning a lot.
I went through a really long period of time just before and after out move where I felt really depressed and awful. But I think I’ve got through that. I’ve been feeling very alone at nights without the music I usually listen to, but I’ve been dealing with that as it hits.
My anxiety levels have been super high recently which is really annoying, I’ve been having panic attacks much more frequently and they’ve been worse than they have ever been. But I’m also dealing with them. I’m beginning to be able to sense when they’re coming on and deal with them from there. I’ve also been discovering other methods of overcoming them and calming myself down when I’m really stressed out and anxious. Pretty much, I’m getting better at dealing with my anxiety. My new counsellor is also helping with that a lot.
Sleep. I haven’t been getting much of it. But that might have something to do with not having an actual bed and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for now. But the weirdest thing about this, is that I’m not feeling tired, I’m just not sleeping. It’s all very weird. But that’s fine.


Y’all kiddos, that’s the end of that lil’ update. I’m gonna sit here at the library and draw while listening to some relaxing children yelling and piano music, but I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Y’all should tell me about your life and how it’s been since we last talked, I’d enjoy that greatly!!!

peach out ma dudes,
emily xo

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams | Being Egotistical and Telling Y’all What I Want

Hello

I’m in a bad space currently. I’ve had to break off several friendships, become depressed, had three anxiety attacks since Sunday and cried for 3 hours today. My head hurts, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my eyes hurt and I just plain damn hurt all over.
But I’m fine. I’m doing okay. I’m doing homework. Which is calming for unknown reasons. I actually enjoy doing it. Odd me.

So today I am going to be very self-centred and tell you exactly what I want. For myself. And no one else. And no world. This is all for me. Because I feel bad and this might cheer me up a little.

Also, I apologise for the lack of blog posts, I put that down to school, people and bad mental health. But I kinda want to get back into posting. So I’m gonna try and we’ll see what happens!

Please note that the majority of these things will not be able to be done and I know this. But we need hopes and dreams to keep us alive. These are things that will not happen without a lot of planning and practise and work that I will have to put in over a long period of time.

Let’s get going and get this over with.


  • I want the close friendships that I spend forever working on back.
    I worked really hard last year to make friends with a bunch of people and by the end of the year I had some friendships that I thought were strong. With amazing people. And then a whole bunch of stuff went down and I lost them. The majority of the friendships I have now are online, even though I go to school with these people and meet up with them daily for five minutes to give them a hug before we have to part ways.
    I lost the majority of these friendships by removing myself from toxic friendships with people who I also once considered close friends.
    I’ll do a post entirely on this at some point, on losing close friends.
  • I want the people I used to be so close to back in my life.
    These people aren’t the people from above, the people I go to school with and that sort of stuff. No. I’m talking the people who I only have contact with via my blog and – on occasion – email. There are a couple of people who I really, really, really just want to hang out with again. And just talk about random stuff. Because those people are so freaking amazing and I miss them so much. Those are the people who I have had the strongest, longest friendships with.
    You know who you are. And please know that I miss you so much it ain’t even funny.
  • I want to be able to keep two on my bunnies, rather than just one, when we move.
    This is a crazy one on here. But when we move, we have to get rid of all our animals. We can only keep a few – cats, a dog, a rabbit, budgies. This means that I have to get rid of the majority of my rabbits. I have been given permission to keep one. And there are six. There are two young rabbits that I love so much and I don’t want to have to choose between the two of them, but I know I have to, because there isn’t enough space at the place we’re moving for two rabbits. And I hate that. I hate getting rid of the rabbits.
    But I have to choose one. And I want to choose them both.
  • I want to move our land closer to town with the house we’ve bought and the garden on it.
    That makes no sense. Pretty much what I mean is this:
    I want to take the land we currently have, put the house we’re moving into on it, and move it all closer to town. I want that. Because that would be perfect. We would have the land and therefore the animals, we would have the big house that we’ve bought, the nice house, and we’d be close to town, so we didn’t have to drive as far as we do every morning. I know that that is absolutely impossible, but I wish it were possible. Because I don’t want to do this.
    I’ve got a moving post ready and it’ll be up in a few days and that will clarify all of this for you.
  • I want to remove all my mental illnesses and other ‘issues’.
    I want to take away the anxiety, the depression, the anger, the anorexia, the body dysphoria, the gender dysphoria, the gender identity issues, all of that. I want it to be gone. And I know that can’t happen without a whole lot of things happening first. But I wish it could. Because those things hurt like hell.
    I know that there are things I can do to help with those things, but they’re going to take time, or I’m going to have to become ‘stronger’ and tell my parents about my gender issues, about the fact that I do hate my chest, that I am not a girl, all of that. But I can’t bring myself to. They get the pronouns, but they don’t get the gender neutralism. The fact that I’m not their daughter.
    But we’re getting there. Slowly.
  • I want to have the money to buy my friends everything they so deserve.
    My friends, the ones who have stuck with me for freaking ever, through all the drama, through splitting apart, through only having online contact and very little IRL communication, deserve the world. I want to be able to give them everything they deserve. To remove all their issues, because they’ve helped me so much.
    But I don’t have that money. Yet. I will. One day. And then they’ll get what they deserve. Then they’ll understand how much they mean to me. Because – and I’ve said this a whole lot – they deserve everything they can get.
  • I want to meet my online friends.
    Because those people are so amazing. And I love them so much. There are very few people who I’m super close to online, but I want more online friends, and I want to meet the ones I have. Because that would be amazing.
    But money’s an issue, as is being halfway across the world.
    But one day I’ll get there. One day I’ll meet them. Because I need to do that. These people mean so much to me, and I want to see them and tell them that IRL.
  • I want a ferret.
    You can’t have ferrets in New Zealand. But I want a ferret. I don’t know why, I just do. I just want a ferret. I don’t care what they do, what they hurt, I want a ferret. They’re so adorable and I need one. If it involves moving halfway across the world, I’ll do it. I just want the ferret. Now. Please. Someone send me a ferret. I would love you forever.
  • Tell me those are not the most adorable creatures in the entire universe. I love them so much. And I want them. So badly.
  • I want to be old enough to get tattoos.
    I want tattoos so badly. I want to be able to do the things I have always wanted. As an artist, I personally see my body as a kind of canvas, ready to be turned into a piece of art. And it’s blank at the moment. I want to pierce it more than it already is, I want to draw on it, permanently. I want to be able to put on my body the fact that I’ve survived. That I’ve been through struggles, with my mental health, with my image, with everything, and I’ve got through. That is something so serious to me. I want it to happen. Soon.
    I have ideas for tattoos, I have designs and all of that, but I’m not old enough. It’s a year until I can legally get a tattoo, and then I’d have to find a way to hide it under my uniform. And it’s the same with piercings, I can get several, I just can’t show them.
    So we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. And we give ourselves something to stay alive for. A tattoo.
  • I want all the drama going on in my life, to be over.
    All the friendship drama, all the school drama, all the family drama, all the drama with the house, I want it all to be gone. I want to take a pill, and remove it all. And make it disappear. Because I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being the focal point of all the drama, the one who it all centres around. Because it does always seem to be me who the drama centres around. And that really gets to me. It really gets to me.
    I get sent all the information. I get told everything. And I’m stuck in the middle of all the dramas that I wasn’t involved in in the first place.
    Or I’m the drama. I’ve removed something or someone from my life, and that’s backfired. That happens too. And I’m stuck in the middle of the drama, having a panic attack.
  • And lastly, I want my schoolwork to go well.
    This is doable. We’ll end on somewhat of a high. I can do this. I can do well on my schoolwork. It will take dedication, but I can do it. I know I can. And I like that. I like that a lot.
    I can do well in school, in class, I’m calm. Everything disappears and it’s just me and my head and the paper and the pen and the teacher. Especially in art, fashion and maths. And sometimes science. When I can see the numbers and the patterns and it all makes sense. Then, none of the dramas can get me, in schoolwork, I’m safe. That’s probably weird, but schoolwork has no drama.
    I can bury myself in my schoolwork to remove myself from the outside world and get good grades. I can do well.

And that’s the end. I hope you enjoyed all of this. All of me being self-centred and talking about the things I can’t have but really want. It was fun to write.

Leave your wishes in the comments below, those things are always fun to do! And this is a great point for you to just get things off your chest, like I have. This wasn’t meant to be a rant, but it is a rant. And that’s fine.

peace out ma dudes!
emily

HI, BONJOUR, HOLA | A reintroduction post because no one on here seems to know who I am

Bonjour, hola, hi. I’m reintroducing myself because I’m bored, want to post and stuck in a motel room! What fun. Also this may have something to do with the fact that pretty much no one knows anything about me because my About page was updated about 12 months ago and the only introduction post I’ve ever done was the first post on here which was approximately 251 posts ago.

And now I’m here and I’m going to be doing this thing. Because I can and I have no motivation to do anything but it. Please enjoy very much.

*swirly thing that moves all my writing on so you know that this is no longer the intro*

shwooooooooooooooosh

Ah, there it is. (look kids, I just took that picture, be proud of me. the quality is absolutely awful, it was taken on my laptop) Right. Now to actually begin.

I actually don’t know what tf I’m doing, so I’m going to go Google (YouTube???) and search for people doing introduction videos and shit for the next 15 minutes.

*back from my 2 hour search for these videos with lots of information*

Okay, so I have lots of ideas now. Not really but hey, let’s just do this.

According to all these YouTube videos I need to be wearing a cropped, off the shoulder shirt. I’m wearing that. I also need to be wearing jeans. Which I’m not. But I am sitting on a bed which is good. With that all being said, my favourite video I saw was one of this super cute girl in super cute clothing just doing some fun stuff and being super excited and I loved her. She was fun and enthusiastic like me and I loved that so much. But still, none of that was actually good. Let’s do this from now on.

Hmmm, maybe I need to do another thing and make this a second intro. Let’s do that.


My kids. Welcome.

My name, is Emily. Spelt with an ‘E’ at the start and a ‘y’ at the end. Not an ‘A’ at the start and an ‘ie’ at the end. E-M-I-M-I-M-I-L-Y. That’s out of the way now. So yes.

Bonjour, hola, hi.

I was born in the lovely New Zealand in two-thousanddddddddddd and fourrrrrrrrrrrrr. If you aren’t any good at maths that means I am 15 this year which is freaking scary. Insanely freaking scary. It also means that next year I can get my restricted and I will be able to drive an actual car. Which is extra super scary. So yes, I will be an old human on Juillet 8 this year. (if you speak no language that means July, you idiot. in French) So I grew up in Christchurch in the South Island of New Zealand and when I was eight I moved to Somewhere in the North Island of New Zealand. Somewhere is the place I now live. In all honesty, I live near the bottom of the North Island in the middle and my famdamily aims to move soon. I will continue to keep you all updated on this shit as it happens.

In short, I am 14 and live in the North Island of New Zealand.

But anyway my house and shit and things like that. I live on a random little mini farm thing and we own lots of animals and things that will all need to be sold when we move. Which is all Gucci. So I own some darling animals, I own my beautiful baby bunnies (all 6 of them currently, 3 babies and 3 adults) and I breed them to not be a broke teen and buy a laptop. Their names are Jane[Doe], Talitha and something else for the breeding buns (I have an unnamed male bun, yes) and Kisses, Ice and Spice for the bubba buns. They’re freaking adorable and I NEED YOU TO BUY THEM BECAUSE NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO. I also own one kitty cat who’s name is Sparkle Diamond Lovehert Snowflake and y’all can judge all you want because I was 5 when I named her. I own some beautiful cows, I own a beautiful cow creature who is very big and bootiful (my boo) and is called Bamberooni because when she was teeny tiny she was brown with white specks and looked like Bambi from, y’know, Bambi. Then I have Boombi’s calf who’s name is Floozle or Furie and another bubba cow who’s name is Fred. And she’s my favourite thing in the entire world. (yes we completely ruined fucking gender stereotybes and named her Fred) And that’s pretty much all the animals I own. I also do love my little baby Dave who is not so much of a baby but a cow and not mine but I raised him so he’s mine.

In short, we own lots of animals and I love them all.

Hmm, so apparently I really ought to deal with the small matter of family. I really ought to talk to you about my family. So I shall do that right now. Also please note that that was a joke and I really am going to cover my family. So I have two sisterz. two teeny tiny little child sisterz. With a zzzzzzz. They are young children and they are 6 or 7 on Saturday and the other child is 9 and their names are Briar and Tiara Tara and they’re both so incredibly annoying because they’re so young and I’m so olddddddddd. But hey I have siblings and we’re good at fighting and arguing and screaming and it’s all good. I also have parentals who are old and stuff. One parent is my mother and the other is my father and I live with them and stuff. Anyway they don’t want their ages online (lmao why not?) but their names are Andi and Adrian for your information.

In short, I have two sisters called Tara and Briar and two parents called Andi and Adrian.

Now, me. Let’s begin some things with me. I am very boring. I go to an all girls’ school over an hour away from my house in the city that my mother works in which is why we’re moving. So that’s some fun. I’m going into year 10 and if someone can please do some things in the comments to translate this to some different country year/grade things that’d be great. But I’m going into my second year of high school. Now, now. I’m taking the year 11 maths course too because I like maths and stuff and am taking an accelerate maths course which means big exams this year. I’m a nerd. I might do a post at some point about my school + school life and that’ll happen then and you’ll learn about me school.

In short, I go to an all girls’ school, am in my second year and am taking a third year maths course because I’m a nerd.

Some more about me now. I’m a queer teen and have an attraction to girls and feminine non-binary human beans. I haven’t ‘really” dated anyone before and stuff like that and if you want to know more about that comment. I don’t know how else to identify other than that romantic attraction wise. I have a lot of aesthetic and platonic attraction and crushes and I love them a lot and would like to have some internet friends. Please be my friend. I identify gender-wise as non-binary and I use they/them pronouns. I have been doing so for about 6 months now and feel really comfortable with them. Pretty much I don’t identify or feel like I am a girl or a boy so please, please, please don’t call me one. I suffer from a whole lot of chest dysphoria and hate my chest and love wearing huge clothing to hide it *is wearing a tight crop top lmao* and would really like a binder but don’t have the guts to tell my parents. I also don’t have the guts to tell them that I hate them telling me that I’m a daughter, sister, girl, lady etc.. But that’s a fun thing.

In short, I am attracted to feminine people and use they/them pronouns and it’s also confirmed that I’m a very large coward.

More about me lmao. Quick things are that I suffer from a few mental illnesses and sometimes…see a school counsellor and haven’t the guts to tell my parents that I would like to actually see a therapist. I have depression, anxiety and social anxiety, I also have a huge issue with both body image and eating disorders (anorexia mainly) and sleeping which is fun. I post a whole bunch about that on here which is great. I don’t want to do so much.

In short, I have depression, social anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia and anorexia.

We’re going to end this post (mainly because it’s 11.47pm and my mother in in the room behind me and I’m in a motel room) on my ambitions for this blog. Ambitions for this blog and posts I’m going to be doing from now on.

So I would really like to be posting about music more because I love music I also want to be doing some more fun with my story and characters and I want to start doing some fun little tags and stuff with these characters just to you get to know them all a bit better. I want to stop doing so much about mental health and LGBTQ+ stuff because I feel like I post too much about that stuff and I don’t enjoy it much. I might do one or two of those every month which is great. I also want to post more about some reading and books as well as goals and stuff on here. I also want to do some more sorta craft, cooking, bullet journal (because I’m getting one of those), fashion, school and room tours and stuff like that but I think that’s all too much for at least this blog and I’m going to start up a new blog (on this account because I’m awful at other accounts) and I’m going to chuck all of that on here. It will also mean that y’all aren’t going to have a post every two days, rather a post every four days on here and the same on there. But those are my goals for here.

In short, I’m posting about writing, reading, gay, depression, goals and music and starting a new blog for bullet journalling, craft, fashion, school, organisation and cooking shit.

this is an actual real life photo of me in life

Now please note that I entirely cover my depression and intense emotional wreck in humour and faux comedy. Also sarcasm. SO yes. Love me or leave me.


So that my dears was the end of that. You now know some more about me and I am now going to go and do some editing shit on here and make a cover image, insert some pictures of me, add some fun tags and actually post this thing. Then I might update my fun about page but that might also happen tomorrow. that’s going to happen tomorrow because I’m a lazy bastard and ain’t gonna do that at, oh, oh wait. It’s 12.01. AM. So I’m going to do all this stufff today and do the stuff with my About page sometime in the later stages of the day. The morning.

I’ve just realised how incredibly boring this is and how uncomedic this post is which surprises me. I think it was probably because I was super tired and it was super late when I posted this. But then again today I’m feeling the same way today but it’s early. That’s fun though.

In short, I need to edit and add shit to this and go to bed because it’s early in the morning and I need to do that shit and then I’m going to do everything else later today.

So here’s a fun thing. I’ve worked for four hours to write this post. It is now 12.00 noon the next day and I’m going to do some editing now and that’s a lot of fun. I will spend the next fifteen minutes editing this and then at about 11pm I’ll finish is which is great fun.

Update: it’s 8:40 pm and I’ve just finished this and I’m now going to add some fun tags and then schedule it for the time you’ll see it which is 1 minute past midnight.

see you in the next post!
emily xo

What I Got For Christmas | Bye-Bye 2018 | Christmas Haul 2018

Hiya guys, this was meant to be up two days ago, but that didn’t happen. So it’s here now.

Before I begin this post I would just like to say that I am extremely grateful for all of the things I recieved for Christmas and am so happy that I was able to receive them. I am not trying to brag, I just really enjoy reading these posts and decided to jump on the bandwagon this year! Anyway, with that said, let’s get into the post!

*fun transition thing here, probably a flippy thing or a rotating screen*

Art Supplies!

So over the past 6 months, I’ve got really into art (go follow my art Insta @thelemonleaves). I’ve especially got into doing digital art and have been wanting an art/graphics tablet. The first thing I got in this category is a small Wacom graphics tablet. It’s amazing and huge thanks to everyone in my family who contributed towards getting me that.
The second thing here is a pack of watercolours that a school friend got me. They’re super cute and are in a huge array of colours. I’d been wanting watercolours for a while too and this friend knew exactly what to get me!
And lastly is a sketchbook! I have a draw of sketchbooks but the majority of them are fancy and not actual drawing pads. My parents got me this 60 page A4 sketchbook which is amazing because I often just sketch random things out when I can’t sleep or am super bored!

Plants!

I love plants a whole bunch and have been wanting some little succulents to freshen up my bedroom! Tara got me the little Jade plant (front centre) and it’s super cute and perfect for my room.
My parents got me these fake succulents in hexagonal pots. They thought there weren’t the fake succulents in them and that they were just pots though! I’m going to be buying a few more succulents and cacti and a few more pots just to get some real greenery into my room!
And lastly for this section is a pack of Mini Sunflower seeds that my mum got me a few days before Christmas! I love sunflowers, they’re just so happy, and when I saw these mini ones in the shop I NEEDED them. SO Mum bought me them as a Christmas present. I’ve already planted them and will keep you updated on how they’re growing!

Beautification Products?

I don’t really know what to call these so I’m just going to be calling them beautification products!
I cut and then bleached my hair about a weeks ago (cut professionally, bleached myself) and have been really wanting to dye it bright blue. SO my parents bought this semi-permanent dye for me and I’m going to be using it either today or tomorrow so stay tuned for pictures of the finished product!
Briar also gifted me the hairspray in a paler blue and that’s just to lighten the colour if I want and it also washes out after one wash which is good.
And lastly here is a gift I received in my Santa Stocking which is just a tradition in our family. I received a temporary tattoo set in Chinese designs. The tattoos are super cute and I’m looking forward to using them! I love tattoos and am hoping to get one as soon as I possibly can.

Magazines

These magazines were just stocking fillers again, but I’m still really happy with them.
The first magazine is a New Zealand fashion magazine which has a focus on happiness and mental wellbeing which I think is super useful for me going into 2019 and trying to improve how I feel!
The next one is a Nadia Lim recipe magazine sort of thing, it’s pretty much a food magazine and full of recipes and stuff like that.
And the last magazine is this Healthy Food magazine which is packed full of healthy recipes! I’m going to be posting some of those on here next year so watch out for them!
I also received a $15 book voucher from my aunt and uncle which I forgot to photograph but am so incredibly happy about because it means I’m going to be able to reduce the price of a couple of books I want!

Other Uncategorised Items!

These are things that fit in none of the above categories but are still super amazing gifts.
I’ve been stealing Briar’s ukulele for the last few months and it was annoying her so my parents got me this cute black uke which I’m super stoked about. I might do something with it on my YouTube channel and then post it onto here, so look out for that!
Also in my stocking, I received this pack of bubbles which is just a fun thing because I am honestly such a child at heart!
And the last gift I received is also a stocking gift and is this super adorable cat earbud holder. This is super helpful because I’m always losing and breaking earbuds and now I have somewhere safe (and not to mention cute!) to keep them!

So that’s the end of this post! I really hope y’all had an amazing Christmas no matter where you were or what you got!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

Just Thoughts | A Stream of Conciousness

I have had some thoughts.

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OK.

To the people who are telling me that I’m messed up because of my life, please read this.

To the girl in my Visual Art class who yells across the classroom daily to me, telling me I’m a creep and that I am a piece of gay shit, please read this.

To the people who message me and tell me that I can’t use they/them pronouns, please read this.

To the people who won’t accept people for who they are, please read this.

To the people who look at me differently for my gender and sexuality, please read this.

To the people who tell me that my female crush is not valid, please read this.

To the people who won’t be friends with me because they think that I’ll crush on them, please read this.

To the people who hate me for who I am, please read this.

To the world, please read this. Please.

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I am not a human. I was not born into this world just as you were. I am not the same as you.

You tell me that I’m not human because of my gender and sexuality. You tell me this not because you’ve been poorly informed, rather because you don’t want to become informed. Because you don’t want to have to learn and change these things. Because you don’t want to have to change your mindset. It’s because you can’t accept that we are not the same.

You yell these things at me to get them off your chest. To get them out of your mind. Because you can’t have these thoughts in your mind, these dirty, messed up thoughts. No, that’s just not possible. So you have to bombard me with them, each and every time the teacher is out of the room. You have to abuse me at every possible chance. You have to spill all your thoughts and opinions onto me. You have to. It’s not a choice.

You have to use she/her pronouns because that’s the norm. That’s what you’ve called me since you knew me. That’s just how I will always be in your mind. You have always used she/her pronouns for feminine people and he/him pronouns for masculine people. And you can’t possible change that for me. You can’t change the way you address me because I want that. Because that would be singling me out. That would be you making an effort for me.

Of course, you can’t accept people for who they are because they are different and society does not accept difference, that’s why we all go to the same school and eat the same food and wear the same clothes. Society cannot accept me for being gay because that’s not normal. And so you too mustn’t accept me. You can’t differ at all. You can’t possibly be different like me.

And I am very different, so of course I must be viewed differently now that I have told you my pronouns. Of course I’m not the same person as I was two minutes ago, that’s not possible! I don’t look or sound any different, but I am different and in order to register that you must look at me in a different manner.

Having a crush on the same sex is not OK. That crush is not really a crush. She’s just a quick phase. I’ll get over her in time, obviously. You’ve never had a crush on the same sex, so why can I? That’s not OK. The crush is definitely not real. That’s a given.

Well, I’m gay and I crush on every feminine person I see, so I clearly cannot be your friend because you’re a girl and that would mean that I would crush on you. That wouldn’t be right. You couldn’t possibly deal with that. So you’ll just have to avoid me even though I’m human. But my sexuality is the only thing that matters. If I’m gay, you’re never going to be my friend.

I am me, and that is not OK. It is not OK to be who you are, openly. It puts you out in the public eye and the hate I get is not a choice by you, rather a right. You have the right to pour hate on me for being different and open about myself. That’s just what comes of me coming out and exposing myself to you. You clearly have the right to hate me as much as you want.

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I am a human. I was born into this world just as you were. I am just the same as you, human.

I am human because if you stripped me naked, I would have all the same body parts as you do. I am human because I have the same rights as you. Because I have the capacity to change my mindset and embrace difference, rather than shun it.  Because I have the choice to be ME. And I don’t care what you think, I am human.

The feelings you shove at me, just to get them away hurt. The abuse you yell at me, away from the ears of those with authority, it hurts. It burns. It stings. It causes mental scars and those scars find their way out. Those scars that no one can see, find their way into view. Those mental scars soon become physical scars. They become brands on my skin forever. They will forever stay there. Those cuts and marks, because of you. They will be a constant reminder of the abuse I endured.

Why can’t I use the pronouns I want? What giver you the right to take that choice away from me? Why can you use the wrong pronouns? The pain that shoots across my face and you don’t see when you call me ‘her’ is hard. If you just saw how much pain it causes me to hear you say that. To hear you say ‘she is busy’. And then to hear the fateful phrase ‘well, I’ve grown used to it’. It hurts. And it causes so much more anxiety. How you react impacts on how others react. I cannot use the wrong pronouns towards you. I cannot call you ‘he’ is you are quite clearly a ‘she’. And just as you are a ‘she’ rather than a ‘he’, I am a ‘me’. I am a ‘me’ rather than a ‘she’ or a ‘he’.

I don’t care if you don’t accept me, but you just need to stay away from me. You don’t need to spend as much time as humanely possible harassing me and staying around me. You don’t need to hurt me as you do. You don’t need to accept me if you’re not going to be around me. I want to be surrounded by love and you’re stopping that. You’re stopping all the love I am receiving from getting to me. You can not accept me when you’re not around me.

I am not different. I still look the same as I did before and you weren’t even using pronouns then. I’ll ask you for pronouns and tell you if you’re using the wrong ones. Honestly, my pronouns or sexuality is all that is different. And it hurts having you tell me that I’m so different. You do not need to view me differently and make me feel ‘special’ because of a couple of differences I have.

I have a crush on a girl. And she has a crush on me too. And this can happen. This is able to happen. This is a real thing. Really, I can crush on her, she can crush on me. I can have a girlfriend. Or a partner. This can happen in this day and age.

I want you to be my friend. I do not crush on every single feminine person I come across. I crush on select few people who I love with all my heart. I crush on the people who love me back. I don’t just crush on any feminine person. You can still be my friend. Please still be my friend. My sexuality has no effect on how you should view me.

I am me and I am happy to be me. I am happy to be open about who I am, about what I am. That is OK. I can be who I want to be and the world does not have to accept that.

I have a few amazing people who I surround myself in and they will love and accept me. They are all that matter.

World, how about changing your ways and thinking for the better of all your citizens? Making their lives better? One person is all it takes to begin changing the world.

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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

A Taggy Thingy From Wisteria!

I’m BACK!!!! 🙂

I’m still going to be posting my Easter special tomorrow and I’m totally off my schedule, but I need to do this before April and April starts on Sunday so I’ve got to post today. I will be posting in April but- no, *smacks self* all will be revealed on Sunday!!!

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Anywho, the lovely Wisteria Campion over at Head in the Clouds nominated me for this lovely taggy thing! (go check Wisteria out, please?) The tag’s called Another Cool Tag Thing? Don’t ask! Let’s get into the post! *waves arms around because I’m a weirdo*

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What is the Best Book you’ve read this year?

Wisteria, dear, what is this question? Could it not have been the worst book? Because that was To Kill a Mockingbird (the others I didn’t finish, LOL!) But the best? *thinks* *checks Goodreads* Oh, I got one! No I don’t. Oh. Can I say Everblaze? No, Exile. Yes, Exile was very good. So Exile it is then. (Keeper of the Lost Cities #2 by Shannon Messenger) Next question please, that was too hard.

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What is the most recent drawing, or other creative project you’ve worked on?

Hahahahahaha. No clue. I’m crocheting a blanket but that’s been going on her ages. Maybe crochet Easter eggs again? Or my Social Studies project on child labour? I drew a child carrying chocolates one her head for that. Wait! I got it! I’m drawing Malala Yousafzai for my English static image*. Do you notice that this is a school thing? And I hate school?

*it is very boring and i hate it. like, a lot.

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What did you have for lunch?

I didn’t have lunch. I snacked all morning and so was full and didn’t want lunch. Yesterday I had pasta salad made with (recipe coming up!) 40g cooked plain pasta (I wanted wholegrain but my lovely father could not find it in the shops :(), 6 cherry tomatoes, 10g feta, 10g basil, 20g baby spinach (it’s actually a lot!), 4 Spanish kalamata olives and, oh, nothing else. Anyway, I mixed it all together and it was nice. I ate it with a paracetamol tablet because my throat was dead and a throat lolly. Great lunch! Or for breakfast this morning? A banana and a pear cup with a glass of water. And another paracetamol tablet. So yeah, not lunch today.

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What are your top three books?

WHAT?! Three? No. No, no, no, no, no. Wisteria, you are officially killing me. Um. *checks Goodreads again* (friend me on Goodreads BTW! Link in the Contact bar.)

  1. The Screaming Staircase (Lockwood and Co. #1 by Jonathon Shroud)
  2. Cinder (The Lunar Chronicles #1 by Marissa Meyer)
  3. Thirteen Reasons Why (by Jay Asher)

The. End. No judging, I really enjoyed Thirteen Reasons Why. Good book. Read it.

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What is your least favorite book?

Yay! *claps* *goes back to Goodreads* To Kill a Mockingbird or Before I Fall? Before I-To Kill a Mockingbird. I’ve just read it and it took, like, 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! I really disliked it.

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Who is your least favorite author?

Um, Stephanie Meyer. The author of the Twilight Saga. Just because I disliked the books.

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When did you last buy a sketchbook?

Never. I don’t buy sketchbooks, I-WAIT! I lie, I bought an A3 sketchbooks for my Social Studies project because it was cheaper to buy 10 pages than to buy 1. But all my usual sized sketchbooks I get for Christmas from my grandparents.

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Have you touched that sketchbook?

Yes, I used it for my Social Studies work. All the others: yes.

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Do you have a hard time finding and using bookmarks?

Yes. YES. YES. I can’t seen to use them because I always lose them and then just dog ear the pages.

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Who is your favorite YouTuber?

I like this question. Tessa Netting. *sings the name* *then realises I can’t sing because I don’t have a voice because I’m sick* But Tessa Netting is genius. My reaction was the same as hers to the NEW FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM MOVIE TRAILER! *brain squeals* I. Can’t. Wait. Until. November. Go check her out anyway.

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What is your Favorite thing on Netflix?

Look, I don’t have Netfix, OK? So I don’t have a favourite thing on it. Should I get it though? And what should I watch?

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That’s all done, lovelies! It was a lot of pain, dear Wisteria! Don’t put me through that again! Just a couple more things and then we’ll wrap it all up like a Easter egg.

Please get one more person to follow me and then I’ll do a Q&A. When I get that follower I’ll make a Google Form for you all to fill in!

And…Does anyone know what I can have that is healthy and delicious for either breakfast, lunch or a snack because I’m really struggling for food ideas! And you guys are all awesome!

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did you like this post? do you agree with my choices? do you think i should get netflix? can you get one more person to follow me? and do you have any food ideas for me?! oh, and will you be my friend on goodreads?

byseybye!

Sign off

Reflecting on 2017: Goals for 2018

Welcome to the first day of 2018!

It’s time for new year goals! Maybe SMART goals this year. (SMART standing for: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely) Smart also means, you know, smart. Not odd or silly.

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What I need to focus on!

My long list of (achievable) goals for 2018!

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Running:

Improve 1500m time to below 5 minutes 30 seconds. Achievable. I’m on 5:47 now. Just 17 seconds off that and I’ll be sweet.

Improve calf strength. Calf strength is vital. You know, your calves work possibly the hardest of your whole body.

Improve core strength. Yes. It has everything to do with running. Core strength equals stamina.

Do pronation stretches daily. Three words. Look. It. Up.

Blogging:

Reach 300+ followers. I’m on 161 at the moment! Thank you guys!

Post more writing. I’ve got so much writing I could post! And it would seem you wanted to see some?!

Do a collab. If you want to collab, please comment!

Do a guest post. Again, if you want to do one, just comment below!

Hold an event/challenge/contest. This one sounds like fun. I’ve always wanted to do one so 2018 will be the year for it!

Writing:

Finish WIP. This could take some time, but it’ll get there. I really want it finished this year though.

Write daily. I don’t write nearly as much as I’d like so I’m going to set myself a goal to write everyday. Not just some days!

Come up with title for WIP. I don’t think calling it ‘The Untitled’ is a very good idea. So, it needs a title.

Finish outfit designs for WIP. I get really into my characters. I want to know them personally. They are my babies and they need clothes. Specially designed clothes. Just. For. Them!

Reading:

Discover new books. I need to find new books to read. Please, any recommendations would really be apreciated. I’ve just been recommended the Wings of Fire series, the Keepers of the Lost City series and a few others. I’ll tell you when I’ve read them so I can fangirl with you!

Read more variety. I read the same types of books over and over again. Maybe it’s time for a change?

Read 100 books. Last year’s goal. To be completed this year!

Use Goodreads. I really want to start using Goodreads to find books and write reviews on. It’ll also keep track of my book-goal!

Write more reviews. Reviews are so much fun and I don’t write them enough. I’m going to write and post some on here for you all to read!

Art:

Crochet a blanket. Last year’s goal. Again.

Design more outfits. I love design and don’t do it enough. So I’ll focus on that more this year.

Finish a cross stitch. Sadly, I’ve got three of these in the process right now and I really need to finish and frame one!

Redesign bedroom. After my room’s painted I really want to completely change it’s look to suit me more than it does now. More design work! I love design work!

Draw more. I love drawing and have always done it, but this year that passion’s sort of dissolved due to time lack.

Life:

Smile more. Supposedly I have a nice smile?! I just don’t use it enough. So, I want to start to use it more!

Sleep better. I am constantly tired and I really need to sleep better. Maybe not staying up really late reading.

Procrastinate less. I procrastinate WAY too much. It’s probably really bad for me. Why don’t I just get on and do stuff?!

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ME!

Stay motivated. I need to stay motivated to accomplish things. Got any ideas?

Become more organised. I’m not at all organised. Everything in my room is just shoved into places so I can find them by taking everything apart. With my new room, I’ll sort this out!

Spend more time outside. do spend time outside. But not enough. It’s probably a good idea to change that!

Don’t get too stressed/anxious. I get stressed at tiny things. One of the cons of being a perfectionist. And…being stressed makes me angry and me being angry is. Not. Good.

Stretch daily. I stretch a couple of times a week and if I remember. I really need to stretch more often because my flexibility skyrockets and then plummets. And my muscles get really, really, really sore.

Try yoga. Does anyone know what this is about? Have you tried it? I really want to. Maybe it’ll help with my sore runner muscles.

Make new friends. I should do this. I’m starting at a new school, I know no one… I should make friends.

Continue to eat healthier. I’ve been eating healthily for the past year and I want to keep that way.

Drink more water. I don’t drink anything like enough water. I really need to drink more because apparently it’s good for you?! REALLY?!

Big, Overall Goals:

Finish what I start. Yeah. Procrastination does not help with this!

Challenge/Push myself. My teacher told me to do this. I really do need to as well.

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So, my very long goals list! I’ll have to keep track of it somehow!

What are your goals for 2018? Do you think mine are achievable? Are your’s achievable? Also, do you want to collab or do a guest post with/for me?

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Reflecting on 2017: What I Managed to Do (and Not Do!)

Happy Almost New Year!

2017 has very nearly ended! It’s about 7:45 PM now so we’ve almost finished the year. And, here in New Zealand, we celebrate the New Year first!

Earlier in the year I made a list of goals for 2017. This is reflecting on those goals! And a few others I added recently.

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Accompishments

I ran 5 kilometres (3.1 miles) without stopping, on the flat. Definitely! Just last week I ran 10km on the flat! I’ve run two 10km races and one half-marathon. Completed!

I sort of kept a good diary. Yes. I sort of kept a diary. Just little things that excited or scared me. But I did definitely keep a diary! Or at least, a memory/emotion log!

I walked the whole way along my slackline. I did this near the start of the year and it was very exciting! I think it’s something I recorded in my diary.

I wrote more poetry. Not exactly one a day, but an awful lot. There’s always next year!

I got my rabbits to have babies. Yes. Three times. I’ve got 10 baby rabbits at the moment and Cream had her other two earlier in the year. And yes, I am attempting to sell them. If you’re in NZ and need a rabbit,you know who to contact!!! 🙂

I went to a zoo. I went to a zoo with school on camp. It wasn’t as exciting as it was when I was eight! What was I thinking!

I got at least Reserve Champion with Cleo. Well, yes. My darling won Reserve Champion Calf so that’s completed. Just!

I got my splits right down. Yes. I got my left splits at the start of December. I’ve still got them, but they still really hurt.

I really did well at school. As you will know if you have been following me for a while, I was home schooled last year and I decided to go back to school for my last year. At the start of the year I wan’t sure if I’d be behind but I really wasn’t and it was very good. I think I did well!

Non-Accomplishments

There was no way that I finished and published Happy. How naive was I?! PUBLISH A BOOK?! Really. What was I thinking. No. I didn’t even finish writing it, let alone publish it. And now, it’s a book without a title! And it’s a whole new plot/outline. Next year’s WIP!

I did not crochet a blanket. Not quite. I took all the squares I made apart and so it’s not finished. Now, I’m in the process of making *counts* five new blankets. Soon, I’ll have finished one! I did crochet a lot of kawaii amigurumi though! (cute, little stuffed creatures!)

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I WANT TO MAKE THESE!

I did not read over 100 books. NOOOOOOOOOO! I’m on 90. Ten down. It’s so sad and tragic and just awful. NO, NO, NO, NOOOOO!

I did not finish colouring Enchanted Forest. Again, naivety! What did I think?! I’ve got four pages through. It’s like I thought I had all the time in the world. *shakes head in embarrassment* *thinks* Which I almost did last year. Before school came along!

I didn’t repaint and redecorate my room. Give me about 2 weeks and I’ll be able to check this off! Not yet though. We’ve had a lot more on and everything’s getting redone so my room is too! In about 2 weeks though.

I definitely did NOT unicycle 2 kilometres (1.24 miles) on the flat without stopping. Nut-uh-uh. No way. So naive of me. Why couldn’t I have realistic goals? I was such a twelvie! No. I did not accomplish this.

I did not drink half the amount of water I wanted to either. I got better near the end of the year, but I think there were only a handful of days I drunk anything near 6-8 glasses a day. More like 3-4!

And I cannot juggle 3 balls well. Not yet. I can do a few catches and nothing else. YET! I will try to learn.

TWO WEEKS AND ALMOST ALL OF THIS COULD BE DONE!

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That was embarrassing! And sad! And DISAPPOINTING!

How was your year? Please make me feel better by sharing your GOOD year. I’ve just read Ellie’s post and her year, well, it was 100 times better than mine! Were your goals as naive as mine? Did you have any?

Happy New Year! ❤ See you all in 2018!

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Art

Hi guys,

This is my much awaited post on the artwork I won with! First off, here’s the picture:

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The style of art is called liquid or fluid art. Look it up, there are a lot of different designs available, this is my Pinterest folder of them. I used Resene house paint test pots, silicone spray, water and glue to create it. There was a reason for the art looking like it did, the theme for the competition was ‘On the Move’ and I was going to do something like a tree in the wind until Mum found this style of painting on Facebook and said I should do it. Dad and I then argued about it, him saying I should do it and me not wanting to, but in the end he won and I decided to do it. There were a lot of different designs on YouTube and Pinterest and I found that this sort of design was my favourite, after that, I just winged it! After a lot, and I’m talking A LOT, of paint and about 10 different trials, I finally settled on this sort of design. The last painting (and the one in the photo) on the canvas that we’d been given was something that HAD to work as it was the only canvas I had. So I just completed it and if it didn’t work, then I’d enter it like that. I didn’t actually have an idea of what I wanted it to look like so anything would have been good. This was probably the best I could have hoped for. And then I entered it in and won! It was very exciting when I found out I’d won it. And with something so different.

The painting had to have a name too and I decided (with Dad’s help, he helped a lot with this!) to call it ‘Eyes…On the Move’. The statement that helped me win said something along the lines of:

This painting was something that Mum came across one day on Facebook. I thought it suited the theme for this competition as it was moving and something different and new that probably wouldn’t have been entered. The name – Eyes…On the Move – came from the fact that as you look at it your eyes move up the shards of colour, up and down and don’t stop moving. 

If you can find out how to make the art on YouTube you should really give it a go. It’s so much fun and super easy, Mum says she’s not at all arty and she made an amazing painting like it, by pouring paint circles on top of each other! It looked spectacular.

Get in touch if you end up creating one, I’d love to hear about them!

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P.S. It’s the holidays now so I’ll be able to post more. Sorry about the lack in them.