the man in the seat across from me on the train

entrancement

he wears the smell of blood, and death, upon him, as if it were a perfume. the scent entices me upon him entering the carriage. it draws me to him, dark and cold. the death is new, but also old, a sign of a longtime…memory? a death committed long ago, but still raw. he sits in the empty seat across from me, smiles over at me. it’s a sad smile. soft, gentle, like a slow piano mix on a rainy night. it calms me but i don’t smile back.

he makes no attempt to remove anything from the small bag now seated beside him on the bench, just sits there. sits there and watches. watches the quiet, empty meadows flick past outside. his shoulders have dropped now, but the smile is still there. if one didn’t look hard, watch close, he would come across as happy. but he comes across, in reality, as calm, soothed, but sad. it’s as through there’s a memory haunting him still. a long passed memory that he cannot get over. he reeks of death close up, and yet, the scent isn’t fresh. it’s old. very old. the death has long since been, the body buried long ago. but it’s kept alive in his brain. kept alive my him.

the man continues to stare out the window. his eyes are lowered, almost attempting to watch the tracks we roll along. they’re sad. blue. pale blue. ice blue. but sad. there’s nothing there. nothing in them. they’re empty eyes, empty eyes for the empty man. he should be full of life, his eyes full of joy, happiness, youth. but they’re not. they’re filled with despair, sadness, age. they’re the eyes of someone who has seen one too many battles, bore witness to one too many creeping shadows. i understand that. that makes sense.

as the journey progresses, he shifts slightly. his posture becomes stiffer, his back straighter. but his shoulders stay slumped, eyes stay lowered, smile stays still. the carriage rolls quietly onward. he watches the mountains pass, the rivers caressing them on their routes downward. it’s as though he’s seen them before. at times, the scent of death he emits becomes stronger. heavier. the smell of blood fills the empty carriage. he makes no attempt at covering it. no attempt at masking the scent now wafting about the cabin. maybe he doesn’t notice it, smell it. he has lived with it so long, it mustn’t smell of much now. usually, however, one would cover the scent, no matter whether he could smell it or not. the scent would be masked somewhat by a vanilla, a lavender, a calming chamomile perhaps, but not his. his is spread wide, no attempt even, to hide it. to hide the pain he seems to have suffered through.

that’s what it is. it’s the scent of pain. the scent of blood and death. it’s pain. whether it be his, or that of another, it a different story, but it is the scent of pain. perhaps that of suffering, but that’s unlikely. it’s pain. a sharp jab of a needle, the aching wound of a knife. and yet, here he is, looking through the window, acting calm. it’s as if he believes that nothing has ever happened. those memories have been shot down, down, down, deep into the crevices and creases of his memory. maybe, now, he doesn’t remember where the pain was. but it’s still raw. new. fresh. it’s current, yet far, far, far away.

so far, he has not turned. seemingly, he has not noticed my watching. my staring. he has not noticed the things i have taken in. his short, sporadic breathing, irregular and seemingly unnecessary. the fact that his body stiffens slightly as the carriage drifts to the side, turning with the path of the track. that smile. that soft, sad gaze. full of pain and memories. events from long ago. i watch him a little longer.

the sky slowly darkens with the approaching dusk. he stays watching it. watches as the sun slips below the mountains, as the sky turns from grey to pink to yellow and finally a deep, murky blue. i continue to watch him. he does not seem to notice.

‘what are you here for?’ my voice, echoing around the silent carriage, does not startle him. he does not turn from the window, darkness outside roll by. the world outside is no longer visible.
‘i’m ready,’ his voice is deep, yet somehow, soft. it’s quiet and melodic, like notes blown slowly from a flute. ‘i’m ready to go now.’


So that was a story I wrote a couple of days ago following the prompt I found on Pinterest, ‘he wears the smell of blood and death like a perfume’. I don’t know how or why, but it somehow clicked and this story was born. I’ll let you decode it as you wish, come up with your own theories and the like. But I hope you enjoyed it and it made you feel something, anything really. It was a lot of fun to write as well, which is always nice.

emily xo

Top 10 Books of All Time | Can You Tell I’m Grasping for Ideas??? But it’s BOOKS!!!

Aloha.

this is the third time I have written out this post and each time it has been different. Let’s see if I can get it to work this time, a full 24 hours after I started writing and this was due up. I actually forgot what I was meant to be writing about and now I have remembered. SO. For today we have a book post because I’m out of ideas, I’m also tired, bored and watching our neighbour cook dinner from my window while talking to my crush. I’m going to be talking about books to take my mind off the fact that I just want someone to snuggle with because I’m cold and tired and I just want a girlfriend. So this is a list of the best books I have read. Ever. Onwards we go.


Six of Crows | Leigh Bardugo

This is the best book ever. I love it so much. It’s fantastic and so amazingly well written and just the best book ever. If you have not read it, please do. I love it and the characters are my children. Just go read it.

Crooked Kingdom | Leigh Bardugo

The sequel to Six of Crows, amazing, fantastic, beautiful, the best things ever. It’s all very gay. One of my best friends and I may or may not be writing a fanfiction on the series. Equally as good as the first one, which is big for a book.

War Storm | Victoria Aveyard

Fantastic, amazing, this is possibly the best way to end this series, I loved it so much. I would highly recommend the entire Red Queen series, but this one was my favourite. It doesn’t make sense without the rest of the series though.

The Art of Being Normal | Lisa Williamson

I have read this about 12 times and have enjoyed it the same amount every time. It’s an absolutely fantastic book that covered transgender rights and issues perfectly. Lisa Williamson has certainly done her research.

The Last Time We Say Goodbye | Cynthia Hand

This was a book that had the ability to have been triggering to me. It wasn’t. It was a beautifully crafted, well written book covering the aftermath of suicides. The entire book was fantastically well written and perfect.

Scarlet | Melissa Meyer

This was my favourite of the entire Lunar Chronicles series. It was so amazing to read and I just loved it so much. Just yes.

Magnus Case and the Ship of the Dead | Rick Riordan

It’s gay, it has a pansexual MC, a genderfluid love interest, death, adventure and goodness. Need I say any more?

The Boy at the Top of the Mountain | John Boyne

This is a super good book that covers a lot of WWII. It’s super good and really beautiful and sad and yes.

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief | Rick Riordan

The beginning of the Percy Jackson universe. What else do I need to say to persuade you?

Simon vs. The Homo Sapien Agenda | Becky Albertalli

It’s gay. It’s gay. It’s gay. The end of the reason I like this.
But really, it’s super good. I love it.


And that is the end of me being a blanket cocoon, very gay for someone, very cold, tired and bored. I might go to bed now that it’s like,,,11pm. Goodnight.

ALSO! BOOKS! GIVE ME RECOMMENDATIONS, FAVOURITES, ALL THE LIKE. PLEASE. LOVE Y’ALL LOTS.

goodnight children,
emily xo

a writing rant at 11pm ie emily fails miserably at life | adventures in writing

Hello my children.

this is going to be me ranting at y’all about the struggle i am having trying (and failing) to write an actual outline to my novel and possibly come up with some actual plot ideas. i hope you enjoy.

as another note. this is going to be written without capital letters because i’m using my tablet and it takes too long to try and work it out like that. so yes. have fun reading this fun lil rant-y thing i’ve compiled for y’all!


i just wanted cute gays to get together. and sweet trans kids to be accepted. but i also wanted stabby things. and sparkles. like, jewel sparkles. and gold sparkles. or sparkly stabby things for cute trans gays. also, i wanted nature in there. I wanted some tension in there. and also some stars and flowers. just because i like those things. and if i could include some kind of paper plane too that’d be fun. like,,,they go and like,,,communicate to each other through like,,,paper planes. anyway. but there must also be some death. but not too much death. or blood. i want some kinda soft angst. and then some really not soft at all angst. but you cannot get that actual balance right because it’s like,,,difficult and i don’t like,,,have the patience to like,,,learn to skills of that. anyway. i also want some cute gayness. and i need some levels of vulnerability for the characters to be created. i want some silly sword fighting. but also characters not getting along. but also huge gun battles and gunshots shrieking through the sky and exploding in the dust on the other side of a battle field. i need some silly moments when everyone is just sitting around laughing and having fun. and then others when they’re all in tears and it’s just raw and sad and awful. i want it to feel like there are times when the entire world is ending because i’m struggling to write so much and the characters are mimicking what i’m feeling and it’s just awful. but then it all carries on. OH! and i want music in there,,,like,,,one of them playing music but,,,like,,,the others not knowing. and then they find out. and they’re like,,,super impressed. and it’s something soft like a flue or a piano or something and everyone is super like,,,shocked and it’s real nice. there needs to be some amount of heartbreak and then reparation (is that a word? (it is now)) of said heart. i want sweet and tender moments followed by moments or chaos and urgency. i want war but then also like,,,calm. i want pirates and gangs and guns and things without being clique and copying every other story line around. i want beautiful characters who love each other so intensely it isn’t funny. but then i want them to also hate each other with a passion. i want characters who grow together and learn to love each other as cute gays. i want teasing and flirting and blushing. i want others to ship the pair together but on the dl. but i don’t want it to become so much like that that it become a freaking romance or a fanfiction,,,because that’s like,,,very boring. i want to to be cute without being too cute. i want this to have moments when someone is just screaming and ranting and super upset and angry and someone else is just listening and doing something else and just like,,,nodding every now and then. i want them to have to make adult decisions at a young age and be forced to give up things they really don’t want to then. but i also want them to be children like,,,five minutes later and just be like,,,joking and playing about and shit. i want them to be loved by everyone but also like,,,piss everyone off so much they hate them all and are like,,,nope. not dealing with you today. i just wanted it all to go to plan

AND DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO DO??? ESPECIALLY THAT LAST PART??? IT’S INSANE AND I DON’T GET IT OR LIKE IT OR ANYTHING.


so, that’s my little rant over. i hope you enjoyed it and actallly felt some of my struggles as a writer having to deal with cutting all those ideas down into something that hasn’t been done a thousand times over and is actually good! it’s all going great so far, i’m not really annoyed about the fact that i have no actual plot and just have characters who i’m not giving up for anything. not. at. all.

anyway, if you’re a writer, do tell me about your struggles. also your novel ideas. and whether you’re doing camp NaNoWriMo this month (i’m not). and anything else you want to talk to about your novel, do so!

and if you’re not a writer, that’s cool too. just talk to me about how your life is, what you’re doing. what your hobbies are. the like, the like.

have a good night children.
emily xo

Right Now #3 | Conan Gray, Daughter, Fall Out Boy & AURORA

Welcome back to another episode of Right Now, a segment of this blog where we discuss music and my monthly playlist. The last episodes are linked at the end of this post. Enjoy this month’s episode, like, comment and follow for more quality content like this!

editing emily: I really don’t know what that intro was but I hope you enjoyed it and will continue to read the rest of this post, I promise it’s not quite as weird!!! (it’s still weird)


My entire playlist is right here if you’d really like to go and check it out. But now, my favourite and top songs of March, 2019!!!

editing emily: yeah, this is weird, even for me. I’m sorry. please continue on.

  • Human Again | Kodaline
  • Honest | Kodaline
  • Heavydirtysoul | Twenty One Pilots
  • The Judge | Twenty One Pilots
  • Running with the Wolves | AURORA
  • Through the Eyes of a Child | AURORA
  • 888 | Cavetown
  • I’ll Make Cereal | Cavetown (yes, it’s really called that, it’s very good)
  • The King | Conan Gray
  • Idle Town | Conan Gray
  • Atlas: Eight | Sleeping at Last
  • Hourglass | Sleeping at Last
  • Youth | Daughter
  • Amsterdam | Daughter
  • Hey Look Ma, I Made It | Panic! At the Disco
  • Nicotine | Panic! At the Disco
  • Spaceland | chloe moriondo
  • Waves | chloe moriondo
  • The Phoenix | Fall Out Boy
  • Uma Thurman | Fall Out Boy
  • feelings are fatal |mxmtoon
  • CROWN | TOMORROW X TOGETHER

That’s the end of that. There’s a whole bunch of new music in that playlist, Conan Gray is a new discovery for me, and I’m actually finding that I love his music so much, it’s just fun. TXT (TOMORROW X TOGETHER) is a kpop band and I actually love their music which is a huge shock for me given that I don’t listen to kpop! It’s just super fun, upbeat and lively (and their music videos are a lot of fun!!!)

I hope you enjoyed this post, definitely go check out the playlist and a bunch of the songs on there!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Midway Thoughts #1 | Moving On

Hi folks.

It’s been a couple of days since my last moving on post and I’m back again. This series will be covering the process of moving house and moving on from that, it will cover wverything that goes on in that process and not glorify it. It makes it very real and shows the grief of leaving the place you call home and moving to a new one. Both of the previous posts in this series will be linked at the end of this post, but very quickly to recap what has happened in them both:
The first post discussed finding out that we were going to be selling up and moving. It covered my initial thoughts and talked about the place we are moving from.
The second post talked about everything that had happened in the nine weeks from that first post and the fact that we were now moving. It also covered the place we were moving to and the times between sale and movement.
This post will cover my thoughts now, just before we move in a few days. It will cover the things I am happy about and the things I am not happy about along with the emotions I am currently feeling towards this move.

Now into the post, enjoy!


When I heard that the sale had gone through, there was a full moon and I sat outside for 2 hours and watched it. I didn’t know what to think about moving. I cried a lot that night, an awful lot. Almost all that I could think about was what was going to happen, I felt numb and sad. There was a sense of dread in my heart and I wasn’t sure why or what would happen. I think that this caused a lot of the anxiety that I felt in those initial stages. Then it was still a while away, six weeks, and it still didn’t feel real.

Since that time, it’s become a lot more real, but I still don’t think that I ‘know’ what’s going on, four days before the move. I know more than I did, how I’m feeling, but I’m still not super clear on that. I’ll go into more detail on that soon, but for now I want to cover what I’m thinking about the move.
My anxiety has been heightened by the move, but I’ve also felt a lot calmer. It’s been a sense of utter empty calm that I’ve felt, and I’m unsure as to why that is. My emotions have been pretty much flat-lining, before flaring up again, but when they do flare up, it’s not for long, an hour or two.
I’ve been filling my days with a lot of things, I had school camp, a bunch of school tests and I’ve been out with friends more than I ever have. It’s been common for me to go out and just be with friends for two hours after school. It’s been giving me an excuse to forget about moving. But when I get back from all of that and the moving thoughts come back, everything crashes. My depressive episodes have been more regular, but shorter. They’ll be there for an hour, a day, and then they won’t be there. If I get depressed, I get anxious and then the anxiety takes over the depression and it’s not there anymore.
Maybe that’s just being a teenager who fills their days with a whole bunch of stuff, takes classes that require a lot of thought, has unstable friendships and travels a lot, but for me, it’s weird. I’m anxious, but I’m empty. I get the feeling I do when I’m depressed, the emptiness, but I get anxious. There are no thoughts there, but I’m still freaking out about all the thoughts. When there is that gentle sense of ease, calm, it’s scary. Everything is scary.
Right, enough of that. Now the rest of the thoughts, the two emotions that I have avoided covering up there so I can cover them now; sadness and excitement.

I’m sad about moving. About having to get rid of all of the animals but the cats, the dog and the rabbits, the last of which will be gone when we’ve moved. I’m sad about leaving the place I’ve called home for the last six and a half years. I’m sad about losing the land. THe place, the house. I’m sad that I’m going to be losing it all.
I’m sad about it all, it’s all so big and great and scary and it’s just making me sad. Getting rid of the animals took a much greater toll on me that I originally thought it would, but it’s getting better now, slowly.

Next emotion that is really incredibly confusing to me, excitement. I’m excited about moving, and this is a shock to me. I’m sad about it, so incredibly sad about it, but I’m also happy. I’m excited to be in a new place, to have the time to go out in the afternoon and walk the dog. To not be driving three hours a day. I’m excited to be able to go out to movies with my friends on the weekends, to be able to go around to friends places, to be able to do all of the things with my friends that I currently can’t. I’m excited to be moving into a place with bigger rooms, more rooms. I’m excited to see what my room will look like, excited to get a new bed, redecorate the room. I’m excited to see what the aesthetic of the room will end up like. I’m excited because there will be two spare rooms and one will be a music room and the other will be a spare bedroom-sewing room which makes me so happy. I’ll have more storage space, more room, more light. I’m excited to see what we do with the house, what we do with the gardens. I’m excited to have more time, to get home earlier.
It’s the things that excite me that are keeping me going through this. There are more of them, yes, but they’re smaller, sillier things, but it’s good. It’s getting me through this. Through the difficult times of having to get rid of pets, of animals, of the place that I have called home for the past six and a half years.


Those are my mid-way thoughts, dears. I’ll have another set of these in about a week, when I’ve been in the new place for about four days, and we’ll see how I’m feeling then! I’ll be posting these very regularly for now, so keep checking your inbox for them!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous Posts:
Moving On #1
Moving On #2

Moving Update | Moving On

Hello, children.

It’s been a while, especially since I have done a moving on post. If you’re new here, Moving On is a series in which I discuss the fact that we are moving. I also cover the issues I am having with this, my thoughts and why I think it’s going to be like that. I addition to the above stated things, I talk about the pros and con of moving, the packing process and what it involves for me, the houses and properties we are moving to and from and the process of grieving, moving on from it and just my life around this in general. For the next two weeks I will be posting every one or two days on this topic, I will be covering the reason for that in this update post because it has been about six weeks since I last posted. Right, onward.

In the last post on this, I talked about living here, when we moved here and what it’s been like since then. I also discussed what we’re moving from and where we were thinking of moving to at that point int time, January 18th. The whole post is linked at the bottom of the page in case you missed it.

In this post I will be updating all of that and just giving an overview of everything that has happened in the past two months surrounding the moving process and what is going to be happening in the next couple of weeks. Enjoy, leave a comment and give it a like!


Since January, we have sold our house and bought a new house. About a weeks after that last post on this, we put the house up for sale, and the next day we had had people come into view it and had an offer in on the place. A week later, we had accepted the offer and were looking for a new house of our own. I can’t remember the exact timing of this all, because it was a log time ago and everything has just been super, super hectic and crazy and everything has been incredibly busy and I really haven’t had time to think about it all. Anyway, after about 3 weeks of searching, we had a house that we had put an offer in on, and a couple of weeks later, everything there was confirmed and we had the house as our own. That was five weeks ago yesterday (22 March, 2019).

We move into the new house on Friday (29 March, 2019), six weeks after sale confirmation went through, 2 months after we first began thinking abut moving. It’s been a full five weeks since we had confirmation of the sale on this property and everything had been sorted on the new one, and it still hasn’t sunk in. It’s still very raw, very fake and very pretend, I don’t think I really realise that it’s real yet, I don’t think I will until everything is out of this house and in the new one. (Oh, btw, I will be posting empty house tours on my other blog when we’re moving, sometime at the start of April, so keep an eye out for those!!!)

The place that we are moving to is a two story town house thing. It’s in a small town about 15 minutes away from the place I go to school and my mother works, there is a bus that goes from my school to the house. The actual place we are moving to is on a 900m2 piece of land, mostly taken up by the building and concreted areas. The house is nice, it has a small kitchen, large living areas, six bedrooms, two bathrooms, three toilets, a small laundry and a garage out the back. That’s it in short. There are a few other things there too (Harry Potter closet, linen cupboards and the like) but that is it. There is a small grassed area out the front and another out the back, a bunch of gardens, an outdoor barbecue area and a small grassy strip down the side of the house. It’s on a street just off the main road, about 50 metres or so down and it’s surrounded on all sides by more houses and a road.
I know that it sounds like a house a lot of people live in, and it’s actually nice, and yes, I’ll admit all of that, but for me, it’s a huge change. There’s not enough land for me to bring most of my animals and I’m having to make decisions as to which animals I am going to taking, and which I am going to be leaving behind.


We move in on Friday, we leave here on Friday. There is a drive of a little over an hour between the two places which is good, but it’s still hard.

For now, this is my update post, I have a bunch more scheduled to be up in the next few days (one every two days). They will all be about this same sort of thing, so stick around for that! That’s all for now!!!

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

Previous posts:
Moving On #1

Words, on a page. Thoughts, in a mind. Writings. | Words and Thoughts from Emily

Hello.

This piece is confusing. It’s something I’m not sure about sharing. But I hope it helps someone, it’s pretty, in my opinion at least. I’ve been feeling weird lately, and this is a depiction of that, in a few words. I find it pretty and it’s soothing for me, both to read and to write. I hope it’s able to help you too. I love you, always remember that. xo


Tonight, I’m at peace. With what, I’m unsure, but I am at peace. At peace with the world? With myself? With the universe? The stars in the sky? The breeze in the trees? No one shall ever know, but I am at peace. And it’s nice. It’s calming. Soothing really, being at peace. It’s enjoyable, stable, smooth. The world feels calm, life feels soft, I feel nice. I am at peace. Life feels undaunting, smooth and loving. It has gone in a hectic way, but now the boat has reached the smooth waters. For now. It will reach the storms again, I know, but for now, the sea is smooth and still. It’s gentle. 
The stars are above, and the ground is below. The air is trapped between, as am I. But I am at peace with that. Everything is calm and steady for once. The path of life has given way to a few moments peace. Steadiness. I don’t know where I will go, nor where I have come from, but for now, that does not matter.  What matters is that I know where I am now. At peace, ease, rest. I am calm with the stars and the moon in the sky with the breeze, and the water and the fish in the sea by the trees. It’s soothing and calm. A first, maybe a last. But ease is nice. It’s steady. No where to go, but no issue in that. I am where I am, not where I will be, not where I have been. 
The world is calm and quiet, the stars are steady and bright, the sea is still and dark. I watch it all tonight, and I am at peace. At peace with myself, with the world, the universe, stars, sea, trees. I am at peace with it all. Tonight.


Remember that I’m here if you want to talk. I care for you, I love you. Goodnight, friends.

peace out darlings,
emily xo

Adventure in Writing: Character Descriptions | Episode 1

Hi. I’m sick. How are you?

I’m also bored. And I’m writing a blog post about writing again. But that’s fine.

As premise to this post, I stopped writing my last novel about 3 weeks ago and only got around to posting about it sometime this week. Which is fine. For the past week or two I have been working on the latest idea I have had. No. I’ve been working on the characters and writing them out before I do anything else. I do have ideas but I’m working on the characters for now. This is going to be a post on how I write my characters whilst kinda giving you sneak peeks into them and their lives. Shall we begin? (Yes is the correct answer here)


I write my characters in some very, very fun ways. Briefly, the characters are Kaito, Luke, Aria and Asterin. They’re all very important and I love them very much. Let’s get into the ways I write their descriptions and I’ll pull out the most important things from each one. Get ready for some entertainment.


We’ll begin with Kaito (Kai).

Physical description fun points:
– Very hot (but not as hot as Asterin)
– Actually looks his age
– Hella attractive
– Like,,,very attractive
– Far too attractive
– It is not fair how attractive he is

A lot of the reasonings for saying these things will become clear soon

Mental traits:
– BEAUTIFUL
– Very controlled
– You do not actually understand how controlled
– SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL
– Unforgiving. Don’t you dare get on his bad side
– Legit all the houses.
– Actually super adorable and sweet
– But like, not adorable or sweet
– Actually heteroseksual???

Other Notes (me, hyperventilating about my characters):
– I WANT TO BE HIM
– Can I be him?!
– please…
– Is it possible to be any more amazing than Kai? No.
– Did I mention the fact that he’s very attractive?
– He gets far too much entertainment from upsetting people by being aroace
– I WILL ADOPT HIM. HE IS FICTIONAL BUT I WILL ADOPT HIM
– He is my baby and no one can ever hurt him
– Kinda a little like Nico, but also like Kaz, also like Draco, and also none of them

Conversations with Kai:
– “you actually cannot hug me. I will punch you.”
– “hi. No. You can’t date me. Sorry not sorry.”
– “no, I ran away. My life’s much more entertaining than yours.”


Next up is Luke or Lu or whatever you wanna call them.

Physical description fun points:
– Looks mature (we’ll come back to this soon)
– Not fit. Like,,,not fit at all
– Looks about 17
– Is actually 15
– Is possibly the most Irish you could ever get
– Is actually not someone people would want to date
– But is actually very attractive (WHY IS EVERYONE SO FREAKING ATTRACTING, MY GOD)

Mental traits:
– VERY immature
– Is not actually a teenager
– Is probably about 10
– I want to say he’s very entertaining but he’s actually not
– SO ENERGETIC
– Not calm. At all
– Fun. That’s all

Other Notes (me, laughing about them, that’s all):
– Is actually very unimportant but I love them too much to cut the out so they are staying for as long as I can possibly keep them because of that.
– THEY WOULD BE MY BEST FRIEND
– Kinda literally a cross between Holt, the Weasley twins and Leo. But I don’t know how that would work.
– Porbably would be able to pass as a Weasley
– Talks so fast and with such a strong accent that no one can understand a word they say but no one actually cares
– Is a child.
– Has far too much energy for As and Kai

Conversations with Luke:
– “no. Just no. Don’t even bother asking”
– “You. Cannot. Kick. Me. Out. Never.”
– “ready to die, bitch?”


Aria or Ariel if you’re Asterin:

Physical description fun points:
– Is 16.
– Looks 12
– Has the biggest baby-face
– Hella adorable.
– Rich, white girl look-alike

Mental traits:
– Crazy is the only way to describe her
– GAY AF
– You have never met more of a Hufflepuff in your life
– Talkative.
– She talks too much. Way too much.
– Soft.
– You do not understand how gay.
– Too gay to comprehend

Other Notes (me, hating on my character):
– She would wind me up so much and I would hate her so much
– Is kinda a little bit like Luna
– But is also Luna’s opposite
– She’s adorable and I would actually love her
– I actually hate her
– She’s like,,,too nice
– She is actually someone I know and hate. But also love. So…

Conversations with Aria:
– “no honey, you actually love me, just admit it.”
– “I will NOT shut up. Don’t tell me to shut up. I will not shut up.”
– “Hi. I’m gay.”

and i love y’all so much that you get this sketch of Kai of a koi that i drew on his character sketch because it cracks me up

And lastly…Asterin (As (pronounced AZ)) (this will get interesting and I would recommend reading it):

Physical description fun points:
– HOT,,,VERY HOT
– ‘HI, DATE ME’ HOT
– Witchy vibes…watch out
– Very, very, very fit
– Hot
– Looks very mature
– Well-built
– Is actually perfect
– Supermodel beautiful
– Supermodel tall
– IS ACTUALLY A SUPERMODEL

Mental traits:
– Cold
– Dark.
– Sarcastic
– Scary if you don’t know her
– Also scary is you know her
– Scary.
– Slytherin
– Charismatic
– DO NOT GET ON HER BAD SIDE
– Disruptive
– So mature it isn’t fair

Other Notes (me, being gay for my character):
– Look, I want to date her
– There is not doubt that, given half a chance, I would date her
– HI. CAN ASTERIN NOT BE FICTIONAL SO I CAN DATE HER.
– Winks. A lot. Like,,,a lot, a lot. Like, more than Luke a lot.
– Can someone please let me date her?
– Think Reyna but think Bellatrix but think Rosa but think none of the above.
– I’m gay for her. Very gay for her.

Conversations with As:
– “don’t. Just don’t. I’m not in the mood.”
– “don’t. You. Dare. Look. At. Her. She’s mine.”
– “no, there is not a bird on my shoulder. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU IDIOT?!”


So that’s the end of that. The end of me hyperventilating about how amazing my characters are. I love them all and they’re all very important to me. Thank you.

peace out ma dudes,
emily xo

I Gave Up On My WIP

Howdy folks.

I gave up on my story. My WIP has died. Lilia and Melanie and Nya and Noah And Eleanor have all been quietly replaced. ANd I would like to explain to y’all why I’ve given up/stopped writing the piece I was. Lettuce begin.


  • Very simply, to begin, I didn’t know what else to write. I had the basic outline for the entire thing, but I just couldn’t get my chapters to be long enough, it just didn’t work. I could write for hour and hours and hours and have 3 part-written chapters that didn’t make sense and were 1000+ words off my goal (about 2500 words). It was becoming difficult to come up with things to write in that wouldn’t just be fillers (fillers being unnecessary pieces that you will cut out upon redrafting and editing). I had all these ideas but none of them seemed to fit with the theme (very real, very deep).
  • Next, it was boring me. I couldn’t find inspiration to keep writing and hadn’t written anything for several weeks when I finally decided to give up and put that to rest. It was boring me and I didn’t know how to overcome that boredom. With that boring me, I was beginning to find writing boring and not doing it as much, I wasn’t reading, wasn’t writing that, wasn’t writing short stories and wasn’t writing blog posts. The quality of my writing was dropping drastically and it was all effecting me. I was finding writing a chore and it was becoming something I dreaded, rather than looked forward to which was a shame.
  • I was triggering myself. This is possibly the biggest reason for ending this. I was finding the whole process of writing about mental health, suicide, self harm, eating disorders, homophobia, abuse and the like so difficult and it was actually hurting me to write about it. Everything that I was writing about was reflecting my life, my mental health, my eating disorders and the homophobia I have faced. Everything was so real that I would finish writing a piece and be so triggered that I needed to get everything out. I would come away in fits of tears, shaking, crying, not knowing why. The whole point of writing it was to bring more awareness to what teens face when they suffer from the things mentioned above, but it was having a really bad effect on me and I was beginning to feel like I was writing the story of myself and predicting what was going to happen to me.
  • I didn’t know enough. I didn’t know enough about religion to write about it. Enough about dealing with mental health to write about it. Enough about anything I was writing about, to write about it. The place it was set was somewhere I had never been. I have never been in a relationship like Mel and Lilia were, where they’re so in love with each other they’d rather die than hurt the other in any which way. I fet as thought I was going to be ruining people’s perceptions and possibly further injuring the things I was trying to help heal.
  • It wasn’t making any sense. None of what I was writing was making sense. My head was a mess (is a mess) and felt really foggy and none of my thoughts were (are) clear. It was difficult to form correctly formatted sentences and ideas from that mess . This was meaning that everything I was writing was ending up sounding really off and really murky. None of the ideas were clearly ‘there’ and absolutely everything was repetitive and really badly written. I hadn’t bothered to outline anything or go through the correct process to write it, I hadn’t come up with character information that went further than describing the things wrong with them. It was all a mess and nothing was making sense to me.

When I gave up on the work it was sitting at just under 30,000 words, about half-way to my goal of about 60,000 but I couldn’t form correct ideas or anything for that. I just felt like I had to tell y’all about what was happening with that rather than coming at you with another idea and having y’all go ‘woah! dude! What! New story! But what about the other one!’ because that would be completely reasonable. But now I can just send you this link and I’ll know you haven’t read this post!!!

Anyway, that’s all I can think about writing tonight, I hope it made sense and I hope y’all have a great night!!!

see you in the next post!
emily xo


Right Now #2 | A Few Weeks Late But Oh Well | Like, 50% Musicals???

Hi-Ho

This is very, very late but that’s fine. This is the playlist I spent the majority of last month listening to.

If you missed last month’s post, what I do here is list my favourite songs from the playlist so you can check them all out. The entire playlist is available here if you want to check it all out. Let us begin with this.


Six | Six
96,000 | In the Heights
Get Down | Six
Cell Block Tango | Chicago
Monster | Frozen: The Broadway Musical
Omar Sharif | The Band’s Visit
Raging | Kygo, Kodaline
Gabriel | Kodaline
Before You Start Your Day | Twenty One Pilots
waves (piano) | chloe moriondo
Trouble (stripped) | Halsey
Murder Song (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) [acoustic] | AURORA
Mockingbird | Eminem
The Monster | Rihanna, Eminen
Novocaine | Fall Out Boy
Billie Jean | Kodaline
bury a friend | Billie Eilish
Chlorine – Alt Mix | Twenty One Pilots
It’s Quiet Uptown | Hamilton
Guns and Ships | Hamilton

Now, because I have several pieces of homework due tomorrow including a speech draft on why we shouldn’t procrastinate that I’ve procrastinated for the last 10 days, I’m not going to put in pictures of album covers but you can find them. Sorry.


I hope y’all have had a very good week and have a good day. Go listen to the playlist if you want, there are 49 songs and it takes you 3 hours and 19 minutes to listen to.
Now I’m going to go pack some things and finish all my homework. Adios.

see you in the next post!
emily xo