Long Time, No See | Life Updates – Mental Health, Aging, School, Etc.

so empty, yet so full

Hello children.

It’s been forever since I last talked, since I last posted. I’m sorry, but here’s why.


I Aged

On the 8th of July, I became older. It feels no different, but it feels very different. It feels weird. I’m now 15, halfway to 30. It feels no different, I am not a different person than I was on the 7th of July, but it’s very different. I’m one year away from being able to drive, three from finishing high school. It all feels very surreal and weird. And yet nothing has changed. I’m the same person I’ve always been, have the same sort of tastes, same issues, same everything, and yet, everything feels so different, so NEW, so weird, and I don’t know why that is. But yes, I turned 15.

I Struggled to Form Words

I’ve always had this issue with my confidence in blogging and forming correct and proper words and sentences to fill the pages of this blog, and it became a little bit harder. It became harder to like the content I was writing, making to put out to the world. Even though it was really not that bad, it was really quite good. But I didn’t like it. I still don’t. But I’m posting it none-the-less. I’m posting the works I’m unsure about, because I’m sick of the 147 drafts in my wordpress drafts folder. I’m sick of not being able to post and form the words I so like. I don’t like this piece of work, but I’m still going to post it, because it needs to be done.

I Went Downhill

In my mental health, that is. Everything got boring, sad, empty. I couldn’t do the things I once enjoyed. Everything turned dark, everything I’d once enjoyed. My art, my writing, it all had underlying suicidal tones. I became more anxious, anxiety attacks became more regular, my sleeping became worse, I stopped taking care of myself. Of my body, my brain. I became bored, the muscle cramps became worse, my music became softer, sadder. It all turned into a mess. My art became art, my schoolwork lowered in standard, I became sick. Sick of myself, of the world, of the people I so love. I began snapping at the people who are always there for me, my friends, the people I consider to be my family. I stopped posting on Instagram, taking pictures, blogging. I stopped bullet journalling, then writing, then journalling – taking notes on my day in the evenings, talking and then finally, drawing. I stopped everything. Stopped taking photos to post on my Instagram, talking to the online friends I’d once communicated with daily, even the friends I knew in reality, I stopped talking to. I hid myself in my mind, pulled back from everything, shrouded myself in sarcasm and my phone. Hid myself away from the world. I stopped going to my counselling sessions, started lying more to people. Lying about what I’d eaten, how I was, how much I slept. I told people I’d slept well when I hadn’t slept at all, told people I was full of energy when all I wanted to do was sleep. I slept at the weirdest moments, fell asleep at school, during breaks, when I got home. It was all for no reason. People asked me how I was doing and I said I was good when really, I didn’t know. I felt calm, but panicky, full of emotion, but empty. I felt sad unless I was with few calming people who made me happy.

I stopped doing everything. I lied. I pretended to be alright, when really, I didn’t know how I was. I’d put a pencil to paper and no words would flow, although the voices in my head were telling me what to write. No thoughts could be put into sentences that made any amount of sense. I paid less attention to the lyrics of songs, just listening to the same four songs on repeat. Sad songs, empty songs, soft songs. Not the fun, happy rock anymore, the slow, sad indie now. I hyper-fixated more than ever. I tidied a closet for six hours, taking everything out and putting it all back again, until it was perfect, not stopping once. Ignoring the people who made me smile, made me laugh. I pretended they weren’t there. And focused on this. Until it was done, until it as perfect. And yet, I couldn’t do that with homework. With reading. I couldn’t do that for any more than 10 minutes without being bored and having my brain give up.

My schoolwork was pushed back, my English and Social Studies grades dropped, fell to low marks from the heightened marks I’d worked so hard to reach. My art work began to be forgotten, the work I’d once done so well on left behind, falling with the rest of things. My fashion work became less focused, fell again. The lines, once so perfect, became messy and fast, done in 15 minutes, rather than the required 3 hours. It all became forgotten. Maths became more of a focus, something I spent hours at a time on, numbers became a calming force. The pages in maths textbooks suddenly filled with numbers, scrawled everywhere in pinks and blues and blacks. And yet, when it came to the test, nothing made sense. The graphing lines were confusing, the words floated around the page. It wasn’t the numbers. The numbers made sense. The words didn’t. The words flew about, became as though a spider had crawled across the page, legs covered in black ink. The letters couldn’t form the words I knew they once had. Nothing made sense. Nothing but the equations. Science became a hobby, yet a bore. The class notes had already been taken, the electricity became boring, repetitive. The out of class conversations became interesting, the old notes and definitions became fun. The formulas became second nature. Yet nothing was fun. It was all boring. All known already.

It all became scary. A deep hole of work, words, confusion. Things not understood, not followed. Because I had differing thoughts to others. I read further into the lines than believed, didn’t use methods the teachers enjoyed. It became confusing. It became upsetting, unbearable.

It’s still like that. Boring, slow. It’s the things I cannot remember. I cannot remember things that happened just yesterday. But I can remember things that happened four years ago. School’s over for the next week, but then everything comes back. And nothing can be correctly understood. But I’ll cope. I’ll remember.

I’ll go back to the counselling. Try to sleep. Stop listening to the voices. I’ll paste the words onto the paper, even when they make not an ounce of sense. I’ll draw the girls I once did. Go back to the books currently laying forgotten on the shelves. I’ll leave the sugar addiction in the past, eat the proper foods. The music will stay the same, calm and quiet, soft and slow. The hyper-fixation will continue. Because those things hurt to stop. The anxiety is too hard to slow. The anger spasms should be able to be stopped. Eventually. With help. With work. Maybe one day there will be no more anger spasms, no more tears shed in futile attempts to sleep at 3AM. Maybe. One day. Not now though.

I’ll pick up the bullet journal, now lost under piles of work. Collect a new one. Find new pens, remove the dead and dying. Forget. Renew everything, start a new. Try again. I’ll collect the empty packets of sour lollies littered about the room, throw them out. I’ll pick up the pens, textbooks, visual diaries and try again. Take as much time as needed to collect the words, form the spider mess into sentences, no matter how much time it takes. Try until the grades are picked up from their current low places.

I’ll start again. Try again. Pick all the issues up. Write them in the journals, capture them in everlasting memories, pin them up, draw them. Capture and create memories. Leave the past where it is now, stop dwelling on the things that scare me.

Maybe that’s ambitious. Too ambitious. But it’s a goal. A dream. A hope. It’s something I can aim towards. I can shoot towards. And maybe not reach, but try to reach. I have the ability to try it until I reach it. Or I’ll give up, set new goals. Try again. I don’t know. It’s worth a try.

My Physical State Became Messy

I became sick. My chest became rattly, they put me on medication. I took x-rays, had blood drawn. I missed a week of school, didn’t get out of bed. Ate nothing but fruit without throwing up for a week and a half. Everything became forgotten. I slept for 20 hours a day, but still woke up tired. I began feeling dizzy, woozy, as if I were about to pass out. I was constantly on medication. I wasn’t alright. But then it got better. I began to be able to walk around without wanting to faint. I started eating real food again. Not have to sleep all day. The medication started working, the x-rays came back clear. I felt better. Became better. Everything went back to its old ways. Everything was normal once again.

I stopped running about a year ago. I stopped workouts about two months ago. My physical state, physical well being became equal with my mental. My weight began fluctuating. My skin became a mess, as did my hair. Everything became forgotten. I didn’t look after myself. I began wearing the same clothes over and over and over. Hoodies and leggings. Day in, day out. My bedroom became messy, and then clean. The processes fell into misery, mayhem, mess. They became repetitive. They still are. Still are like that.

But they’re being picked up. I’ll go for a run, work out again. Wash my face, eat better. I’ll change from the clothes I’m habitually pulling on. Clear up the clutter from the floor. Remake the bed. Maybe. Hopefully. I’ll try.

I Gave Up

I gave up on everything I loved. The people, the creative outlets, the creatures. And yet, I continued to collect them. I found new friends, bought more stationery, collected more plants, found a new rabbit. And then I forgot about them. Gave up on them. Hid myself away with the same people I’ve always been with, left the pens in closed drawers, sat the plants on the windowsill, moved the rabbit from one cage to another. I gave up on the blogs, the lifestyle, the words and pictures. I gave up on the organisation I so loved, the stories the world so loved.

Now, it’s the time I pick that up. The time I choose between the friends, let the ones I can’t have the time for go, leave them to their own devices, fallen into the past, yet still there when they need me, leave them with the other friends they have, tell them I can’t hang with them, return to the people who have always been there. The time to pick up the pens and notebooks, fill them with the doodles and words and numbers that clutter my brain, cover the empty pages in colours, open them up to the thoughts and worlds that are hidden away. Maybe there’s nothing much to do with the plants, change their pots into nicer ones, find shelves, cover the walls with them, let them see the world from a different view. It’s time to give the rabbit more attention, let him sit with me at the desks I work, let him out into the open more often, find better food, more grass for him. Restart the other blog, pick up where I left off with this one. Find new content, new recipes, organisational skills, new poems, words, images. It’s time to forgive the things I’ve once forgotten. Time to start a new.


Now, it’s time to restart. Forgive myself for the things that I’ve never let myself forget. Start a new with everything I’ve always hated, always loved. It’s time to bring you on that journey with me. Enjoy the new.

emily xo

Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety | A Raw Chat

Welcome.

I want to put a trigger warning here to just say that this post may be triggering to some people. It covers very raw subjects and I will not be holding back about what happened to me in this time.

TW: ANXIETY ATTACKS


Let’s cut straight to the chase. The lack of stability in my life currently, led to the biggest anxiety attack I have ever had, last Wednesday. I had an anxiety attack in class last Wednesday that was so bad that the school sent me home and my parents didn’t allow me back the next day. It was really, really bad.

So I don’t know much about what happened that day, Wednesday. What I know so far is as follows:

  • I was in maths and all was fine.
  • I got to my form class and all was fine
  • I began shaking and my heart rate jumped from 86bpm to 110bpm within a few minutes
  • the bell signalling the end of class rung and I ran out of class. By this point, my heart rate was 122bpm and I was shaking so badly I could bearly walk.
  • I met up with a friend and couldn’t speak clearly, I was stuttering
  • within a few minutes, I was full on crying and could bearly make out a word
  • I rang my mother but she didn’t answer so I rung my father and asked him to ring the school and get me a counsellors appointment ASAP
  • he did that and then sent me to the school office and told me he’d pick me up in 30 minutes
  • I don’t know anything after that. He picked me up and I wrote out the first 100 Fibonacci numbers. I was full on shaking and my heart rate reached 177bpm at some point.

I don’t know anything else. I don’t know what happened in those 30 minutes, I really don’t. I got home sometime later and talked to a friend for a while. What happened after that was fine and there wasn’t really an issue. It took me until 7pm to get my heart rate down to about 90bpm. This anxiety attack happened at about 10am.


Okay, so we have the basics down. I had an anxiety attack. I got taken home from school. Now we proceed onto a few things I have in my brain right now and just want to get out.

Why did this happen? What caused it? Was there a certain trigger? How did I not pick up on it? How come only one person in my class picked up on it? Why wasn’t I able to control it? Is there someone who can help me with this? Is there a way that I can help myself with this? Will it happen again? What will happen if it happens again? Will it be worse next time?

I want to very quickly run through answers to those questions.

It happened because of a whole bunch of instability in my life. It was triggered by people who have hurt me and are continuing to do so. I didn’t pick up on it because I thought it was fine. That one person picked up on it because she cares and she may be the only one. I wasn’t able to control it because I thought I had it under control. I thought I wasn’t going to have anxiety attacks again. There is someone who can help me, but they’re not the school counsellor, that’s for sure. I don’t know how I can help myself yet.
The last three questions are scaring me. Because I don’t know the answers. I don’t know any of that.


If it happens again, my guess is that it will be worse. If I have a panic attack, a mental breakdown, that bad again, it will be worse than this one. I know it. Even though it hasn’t happened and no one’s told me that.
If this happens again, and I know it will, I know it will happen again, I don’t know what will happen. All I know is the consequences of it, next time, could be fatal. Possibly. What will happen next time this happens is not going to be good. At all. For anyone. It may end it me doing something dumb, a spur of the moment thing, and doing something to hurt myself. And the consequences of that could be fatal. Because with my levels of depression, anything could happen. I know what’s happened in the past, what almost happened last time, I know that if it gets worse, things could happen. And they wouldn’t be good.

If I knew how to deal with it, I would. But I can’t, Not now at least. I have no stability at the moment. I have no stable friendships, no stable goals, no stable life. Okay, this is going to sound real dumb, but I kinda wanna date someone who will just keep me grounded. So I can say that I have a stable friendship, so I have someone who I can just go ‘OMG you’re here, it’s okay. I’m okay’ because that’s what happened last year when I dated someone. I Felt like I had a grounding. Someone to ground me. So if any of y’all wanna come out of the closet and agree to date me, that’d be wonderful! (in all seriousness, I really just want someone to be able to do that around, partner or not, I just want someone like that. BUT THAT’S UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN!!!)

look, we all know it, when i’m in a really bad headspace, i can’t say anything serious. it’s an issue.


So I don’t really know. This was really confusing but I think it was just me chatting about everything and getting it all off my chest. As well as asking someone to date me! Or pretend to date me! Or just be there for me when I need them! But none of that’s going to happen, so that’s okay!

Yes. I had my biggest ever anxiety attack last week and would like to use that as my excuse for not having posted for the last while. I have also been keeping no food in my system, dealt with severe stomach cramps and pains whenever I’ve eaten, haven’t been exercising, have been listening to real depressing music and have been sleeping an average of 3 hours a night. I have no routine to my life! But that’s fine and I’m doing great!

I don’t know what to say here! Comment something if you want, or don’t. You do you boo. It’s all up to you!

peace out ma dudes!
emily xo

How To Study | Tips from the Best Procrastinator

I am probably the world’s best procrastinator. Honestly.

But we’ve got exams coming up and I kinda wanna do well, y’know?! So I’m studying. And it’s hard. And boring. But here is a big long list of how I study. Lettuce begin.

First of all, the most important thing I think, is to have a clean work space. Make sure you have a clear desk with only the things you need on it, a good light source, clear air the floor around the desk is clear to. Honestly, it is super important to make sure you have a good place to work. It will really motivate you to keep going and there won’t be too many distractions. Along with this too, make sure you have a good place to work. Your bed is super comfortable and really nice to lie in, but you’re more likely to get distracted or fall asleep and it will not be that good for you. So definitely study at a desk and if you’re cold, wear more clothes or get a blanket to wrap around your shoulders.

Know what you’re doing and estimate how long it will take you. This is actually really helpful, if you know exactly what you’re going to be doing, you won’t get confused or stuck and will be able to do just that. And estimating how long it will take is also really good because it means you know how long you will be working for which gives you the ability to schedule breaks.

Breaks are super important. I’ve learnt the hard way that your brain does not work nearly as well when you’re studying for 3 hours straight. Which is why they give you breaks between classes in school and the classes aren’t super long. But I suggest that every half hour you have a five or ten minute break and just go do something random. Draw or go pat an animal, watch a random YouTube video or go play an instrument. It all works and you just need to find what’s best for you.

Okay, next. Food and drink. Please make sure that you have at least a drink with you. I’d suggest something healthy like fruit, vegetables, water or crackers. But cookies work too! Just make sure you have something to keep you going. And it just gives you some motivation to keep going. Frozen blackberries, bananas, grapes and carrots are great and water with ice and lemon. Just me though, I like frozen food.

Organise things. Big thing. I organise my notes by subject in different folders and then organise the subtopics in colours and pockets in the folders. I head all the topics with different colours and then put them all in a folder so I know where they are. And when they’re online (google docs is great) I organise them the same way. By subject in coloured folders with subfolders and colours in those. It’s really good. And it just means everything is there for me when I need it.

Highlighting is your best friend too. I write out full sentences in bullet points and then highlight the key words or ideas in those paragraphs so I know what I need when I glance over the page. I use yellow highlighter to deal with the key words in the statements and pink for the very important things and the full sentence things that I really need to know. It’s really helpful and just means I can look at it and know what I need to know.

Music or sound. I usually listen to either Sleeping at Last music or podcasts, usually the Brizzy Voices and Tessa Netting one. It’s really useful and just keeps my head away from all the distractions. I’ve also listened to the entire Shane Dawson thing on the Paul brothers. The sound just keeps me from the outside distractions and means I know what I’m doing.

KEEPING APPS OUT. Instagram is not useful. I have an app on my phone called Forest which is actually really helpful, you grow a tree and can’t leave the app until the tree is fully grown. You set yourself time limits and you grow the tree over that period of time. It bans you from all apps and it’s really good. If you have Instagram or other distracting apps on you computer, I would really recommend unpinning them from the taskbar and getting a website blocker. Both really help with concentration.

Don’t study for hours every day. Split it over several days and START EARLY. It’s really helpful and you do not want to get stuck in the last week with six subjects worth of revision to work on. It’s awful. But don’t study for hours every day either. Don’t let yourself study for over eight hours a day, it that.

Keep your self-care in touch. Make sure you’re still eating, talking to friends, keeping your routines, sleeping and exercising. Plan time for yourself to go for a run or do a workout and make sure you’re sleeping and eating well. You do not want to let all that go to waste. It is a right pain when that doesn’t happen.

And finally, start studying in class and do your homework. For so the first three weeks of the year, I studied, took notes and did my homework. After that, everything stopped. And it’s only been in the past three weeks that I’ve started up again. If you have the ability to take your laptop into class to take notes on that, do so. And ask questions in class and find out all the information you will need. It makes everything easier at the revision point. And start early. Start learning early. Don’t start doing it when you have big exams coming up. Start as soon as possible, year 9 in my case because I don’t want to get to NCEAs and not be able to study well. It just won’t work.

Wow, so that is how I would recommend studying. If you have any other tips, please comment them!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Most Likely To  |  Talking To My Younger Self  |  I Have Problems

Sky … -.- -.– | A Short Story

I have nothing to post currently because the post I am working on a big series of releases.

So I am going to post a story. I wrote it the other day in English in the 15 minutes we were given to do creative writing at the start. Be warned that it was one of those stories that I’ve started and haven’t been able to stop until I’d completely finished so it’s very long, 1250 or so words.

It’s called Sky … -.- -.– The dots and dashes afterwards are morse code for ‘sky’ which is how I title most of my short story works. Enjoy!

Rainbow-feather-2

Sky … -.- -.–

The entirety of the days they touched the sky they smiled. It made them happy doing so. There were three of them. And each an every one of them smiled when they touched the sky. But they didn’t know why they smiled. They just did. It made no sense and no one else knew that they smiled. They didn’t really know why they smiled. They just smiled. None of it made any sense whatsoever. The days seemed to pass by fast and it was very rare that they did end up touching the sky. But when they did it made them happy. Very happy. When they touched the sky they would all celebrate. It was not just a solitary ordeal. Rather a group project. No one knew why it was such a group environment. It just was. The rest of the world did not know about any of this. The rest of the world did not know about the sky. The rest of the world did not know about them. They all kept themselves secret. So secret. Even their families did not know about them. Even their partners did not know what they did. Everyone knew of them. But no one knew what they did. No one knew how important they were. No one made any assumptions about them. Until that day. Until that fateful day. Until the day they were witnessed touching the sky. They were seen millions of miles in the sky. When that happened everyone knew. Everyone knew about them. Everyone knew who they were. Everyone knew what they were. What they did. The entire world knew exactly What they were doing. And no one understood it. But they still knew. And that was not good. That meant that the long-kept secret was lost. The secret that had been kept for hundreds of thousands of years had been shared. It was no longer a secret. It was a known fact. It was a known fact that they touched the sky. That they smiled when they touched the sky. No one understood why they did it. No one thought it was worth it. No one thought that the lost lives were worth touching the sky for. But everyone knew. Everyone knew that they did it. And that was not good. That was awful. That was a travesty. They did not know themselves why they did it. They just knew that they did. They just knew that it was an important thing that they must do. It was a thing that was required of them. They had been trained since birth to do it. They had been trained since birth to touch the sky. They had been trained since birth to smile when they touched the sky. And now that was done. Only the eldest of the elders knew why they did it. But those elders had died out long ago. They were long gone. Those eldest elders were just figments of the imagination. They were just memories. They were just images of people passed down from person to person. No one alive knew what they really looked like. No one alive had ever seen them. Not really. Not in reality. They had all seen the elders in their dreams. They had all seen the eldest of elders images. But never really. As those who really knew about it had died thousands of years ago. They were unwanted. Everyone knew that it was important. Everyone who completed the task at hand. Only the people who completed this task. Only those who did it. Only those who attempted to touch the sky knew that it was important. Only those who smiled when they touched the sky before dropping back down knew that it was important. But even they did not know why it was important. Even they did not know why they did it. All they knew was that it was important. And that they did it. But the others did not accept that. Those who did not complete it did not get it. They did not understand that it was important. They only understood that it killed people. They only understood that it was dangerous. They did not understand why they did it. But no one knew that. Those who did not know about it wanted to eradicate it. Those who did not complete it wanted to see it gone. Those who had lost loved ones to the task wanted it banned entirely. But no one knew what would happen if it was not a task completed. Apart from one boy.

The boy knew more than anyone else did. The boy was young and innocent. But the boy was not young. The boy was not innocent. The boy had been through more than anyone else had. The boy held the spirits of thousands. The boy was the only one who knew what happened. Why knew why it happened. The boy was special. But no one knew how special. No one registered his talent. No one knew anything he did. No one had seen what he had seen. The boy knew why touching the sky was important. The boy knew why they smiled when they touched the sky. The boy was the only one. He held the secret to life. But he was yung. He did not know anything. He was just a boy. How could he possibly have been through more than anyone else? How could be possibly know the secrets no one else did? He was just an innocent, young boy. His life ahead of him. No one regarded him as important. But he was. The boy was very important.

This boy held the lives of all before him. He held the memories of those who had touched the sky previously. The thoughts of the eldest of elders long ago. He knew the secrets of the sky. He knew what happened when touching it failed. He knew why they smiled when they touched the sky. Why they could not talk when they touched the sky. And smiled. He knew why touching the sky and smiling was important. He had been there before. He had seen it happen. He regarded the sky as a thing of importance. He knew why there were only three of them. He knew how they got their entrance. He knew more than anyone living did. He knew more than  anyone living ever would. More than anyone living ever had. And he knew why. He knew why he knew this. He knew what it meant. He knew just how special it was. As young as he was.

He knew that the sky was not natural. He knew the sky had been created. He knew that beyond the sky there was more. That the sky was a shield. He knew that the sky was the only thing that kept them alive. He knew that without the sky they would all be dead. The planet would have been destroyed. Without the sky nothing that was known as the norm would exist. Nothing would be there. No one would be there. No one would exist.

He knew that touching the sky, and smiling, kept them alive. He knew that without touching the sky they would have died out. Their planet would have been destroyed. He knew that touching the sky kept the barrier up. He knew that they were making a mistake. But he could not do anything. He was just an innocent, young boy after all. His life ahead of him.

Rainbow-feather-2

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Why I Didn’t Open Up Last Year.

Well, I am very open, now.

About my life. I am very open, as you know, about my mental heath, my sexuality and whatever else. Heck, I have a blog about my mental health and all that other shit. so I have had SO many questions from my entire life people about why I am quite so open. That will be another post. Now, it is only this year that I have become quite so open about my life shit. If you knew me last year you’ll know that I really wasn’t open about ANYTHING. I didn’t tell anyone about my mental health, I told no one about my sexuality or any other shit. I’ve said shit so much in this post already. So I first came out in 2016, when I started this blog, I told someone super close to me and I’m not sure if she will still remember that. I doubt she will.

But it was only this year that I actually came out to REAL LIFE PEOPLES! Well, other than her and the other friend I came out to. I don’t keep in contact with either of these peoples now, which is actually very sad. So I didn’t come out last year, but I knew that I was pan, I knew I was depressed, and all that other stuff. I have had everyone ask why I didn’t do that, come out. Open up. There is only one explanation for this.

So I was scared of what people would reject me for coming out. I was at a very small country school that went all the way through both primary and intermediate. There were only 18 people in my year, the majority of them female. Now, I hate to admit this (and I know someone will ask about it) but being pan, I kinda had a crush on one of the girls in my class. It wasn’t good. I didn’t admit it to anyone. So we were in the country, there it was a very conservative place and I didn’t know anyone who was gay living out there. People made jokes about being gay, the word was used as an offensive word. It still is. So I didn’t feel ‘safe’ coming out. I had always been really, really alone at school, I was the ‘weird’ girl who was really anti-social and attempted to make friends and failed. At this school I had friends (I thought, I probably didn’t really, not as many as I thought I did) and I really didn’t want to lose any of those I had. I was really scared that if I came out I was going to be really rejected and lose all the ‘friends’ I had made. In reality, thinking back now, they were really quite toxic (and I know some of you guys read this, and I’m sorry, but a lot of the people I considered friends were really toxic, Hannah, I’ll have you note you weren’t one of them). A lot of my friends used me to help them with their work, and I thought that this was building up my social status. But in reality it was just the fact that I was kinda smart in a small school. Everyone was ‘friends’.

But as I said it was a very conservative place. Things like depression, anxiety, LGBTQ and all that shit, they were never really talked about. We didn’t discuss them. I mean, I said that I went and saw a councillor, but I didn’t really tell anyone why, didn’t really say anything about it. I saw her and that was the end of that. I think some people probably realised that I had depression, a slight ED and possibly anxiety, one of them should have, I know that two of the girls in my year were suffering from a small amount of depression. But then again, I hid the depression quite well. I was ‘very open’ about my life, I’ve been told. But no, in reality I was very open about my home life, rather than my mental health. I told people about what sort of things I did at home but I didn’t say much about my mental state.

I didn’t want to be rejected from those friends that I had made. And yes, they were very bad for me, but they did make me feel like I had friends. And I didn’t want to lose that.

And on here, well, the people from my class read this and I don’t think I really accepted it myself, definitely wouldn’t put it out there for the world to see.

So, that is the real reason I wasn’t open about my mental health last year, the year before or anything like that.

Also darlings, if you can please help me out in the comments. I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow (short) and I really have no clue what to do with it. If you have any ideas about how short I should go (very, very short or not) that would be very helpful.

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Emily xo 🏳️‍🌈

Camp 2017

Here is my Camp Recap!

If you wanna know why I’m here now, I’m sick. Again. Am I always sick?!

bn

So, as I told you here, I was on camp for the whole of last week. It was an amazing week. First of all, we were in Wellington for the week. Wellington, New Zealand, the capital city, where the government is, so on. It’s a massive change from living here in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by open air. I’m not a city girl, the city is amazing and all but it’s so loud. There are just cars EVERYWHERE! I mean everywhere you look you see a car!

But we went some amazing places. We went to the zoo and got to touch a blue tongued lizard. They feel like plastic if you were wondering what they feel like. The feeling is so weird, it’s like touching a plastic model! And we saw so many cool animals, it’s been so long since I’ve been to a zoo. It probably wasn’t as cool as it seemed to us all (we are 11, 12 and 13 year olds but we acted like 6 year olds!) but none of us had been to a zoo in ages!

After the zoo when we had had dinner and talked for about 2 hours (well, us girls did – we’re girls right! – and the boys ran around as boys do!) at the place we were staying and then our teacher took us for a walk around Downtown Wellington at about 8:45 and it looked amazing. We went to this playground on the waterfront and we acted like 3 year olds! But it was super fun. Then we went back at about 10:30 and went to bed. The four of us in my cabin listened to the girls through the wall until about midnight and Hannah and I, due to insomniac matters, couldn’t get to sleep and talked until about 3 A.M.!

The next day we woke up about 6-7 A.M.. I woke up before the others and read 4 chapters of Pride and Prejudice until the others woke. We talked in our cabin with others until about 8 and then got up. We ended up telling the girls through the walls we’d heard them! And written all they’d said down on a plate! A paper plate, it was hilarious, they refused to tell us what it all meant! We guessed though!

At about 8 we got dressed and went down 3 sets of stairs to get breakfast. Then we packed up and at about 10, left to go the Westpac Stadium for a tour. It was an amazing place, super huge and amazingly flash. We had a tour and ended up walking up and down more stairs, we went into the changing rooms and corporate boxes. Surprisingly they weren’t as amazing as we’d expected.

I’ll skip to more exciting things. No, my favourite times.

We were in Wellington, the city known as ‘Wet and Windy Wellington’. But we went to the beach almost everyday. It was beautiful – sunny, warm – and we ended up getting soaked most days! One day – after the Westpac Stadium visit – we were going to the Weta Workshop, which is where the Lord of the Rings series, Avatar and Hobbit movie characters etc. were made and we went to the beach before hand. It was amazing weather and some of the class, the year 7’s and the boys, went swimming fully clothed! The rest of us sat on the beach in groups collecting shells and talking. Again, we’re girls.

We also went to Parliament and got to meet Winston Peter’s, the deputy Prime Minister. We got to shake his hand and talk to him! And, if you’re in Australia and watched Channel 9 sometime last week you might have seen us because the cameraman filmed up meeting him! But Parliament is an amazing place, if you’re ever in Wellington, I’d highly recommend it.

The other couple of places worth mentioning are Te Papa, the museum of New Zealand. It had an exhibition on Gallipoli on and that was stunning. The models of the soldiers and nurses were double the size of a human and super life-like. They were like giant people. The detail was extraordinary!

And the pools we went to. We got there at about 6:30 P.M. and left at 9:30 P.M.! So we swam for a long time. They had amazing water slides and a lazy river which we spent ages just floating around. Then we got bored of that and tried doing it backwards! Let’s just say it was extraordinarily hard! We took ages and only 2 people managed it (I wasn’t one of them!).

Then we came home and I had to feed animals which was annoying because I’d had a good time not having to. But it was good to be home and I was super tired. Something to do with only having about 20 hours sleep that week! And we ate a lot of sugar. I’d say our van of 9 spend about somewhere between $50-$100 on sugar. Not just plain sugar, but lollies etc.! But it was so much fun spending a week acting like a 6 year old most of the time!

bn

I think i’m all caught up now! I’ll get back to posting normally now!

Espresso Shot

Camp, But I’ll Still Be Here! Because I’m Magic

When you read this, I will be on camp, and any other posts this week until Friday will have been written on Sunday and scheduled.

We’re going on school camp this week. For a whole week we’ll be away doing some very fun things. In Wellington, in case you were wondering. Today, probably as you read this, or at least for about the time I scheduled it, 1:30 pm, we’ll be at the zoo. That’s one of my goals for 2017 done! And all because of school – who’d have thought!!! We’re going to an observatory, a high ropes course, a Westpac Stadium, Parliament, Te Papa – the museum – and a whole bunch more things I cannot recall right now. So we’re going to be very busy, but it’ll be heaps of fun and we’re going as a class which (should) make it even more fun. I’ll be posting normally again on Saturday about it, because then I’ll be back and in real life! This is a very easily explained absence, and so don’t kill me for it, but I will still be on here.

Espresso Shot

Maths

I’m sure that not many of you like maths here, I don’t love it but it’s not too terrible (but, trust me, it can be!!) and I am able to cope with it. Talk to Hannah and she’d call me Einstein’s Daughter, Alien, Calculator or a whole bunch of other lovely names that the guys at school’ve made up! So they all think I’m a genius and I’m not too convinced about that one, but I’ll go along with it because it’s not worth an argument. But back to maths and not names that have been made up for me. I told you here about a maths competition we had last night, and I’ll tell you how we did!

*squeals because it’s exciting!* Right, we had this thing and we had to answer several (50 questions, 10 as individuals and 40 together as a team) questions. The first questions were individual questions which if we got all 10 right we had to go into finals, Hannah and I got them all right and got into finals but didn’t place. Each right answer was equal to 3 points and then the whole team’s answers were added up, we got 87 points in all! Then there were fast questions where we were in our groups of three and we answered 10 questions, one at a time, in a specific time frame with the number of points decreasing for each minute or so. We got 144 points out of a possible 150, meaning that we dropped just 6 out of the whole thing! And lastly there was the 30 questions in 40ish minutes. In this we just had to answer as many of the 30 questions as possible in the time given. Each question had 5 points available and each one gave you as many attempts as you wanted, but the first two wrong attempts deducted one point until you were left with three and could either pass or continue until you got it right. In the end we completed all the questions with time to spare! The score was again 144 again meaning that we had again only dropped 6 points! All three of us were so pleased with ourselves and could not calm down when our marker said that we’d got an overall score of 375 out of 390, dropping just 15 points, he said it was one of the best scores he’d ever seen!

Then there was the prize giving, they talked a lot about maths at the start before handing out prizes for the projects we’d done called scale drawings and statistical investigations. I won’t explain these because I might be a little too long! But they handed those out and I got first in my scale drawing which I will put on here and second in my statistical investigation, I was amazed with that! And then we got the results of the maths part of evening! The team in second was announced and we all started squealing and jumping up and down because they’d got 372 points, 3 less than us, and we’d therefore won! We were called up onto the stage and given medals and prizes and a shield that had never had our school’s name on it! There were six of us there and we were slightly a lot crazy on the way home, singing really loudly to music and grinning and giggling for the hour and a half long trip, Dad and out teacher might have got a bit annoyed had we not just won the maths competition!

So that’s a little recap of my most tiring night almost ever, but one of the best, maybe equal with winning hockey a few weeks ago, I think I sweated more doing maths than I do running!

Off to feed goats before running the interschools cross country!

Espresso Shot