a writing rant at 11pm ie emily fails miserably at life | adventures in writing

Hello my children.

this is going to be me ranting at y’all about the struggle i am having trying (and failing) to write an actual outline to my novel and possibly come up with some actual plot ideas. i hope you enjoy.

as another note. this is going to be written without capital letters because i’m using my tablet and it takes too long to try and work it out like that. so yes. have fun reading this fun lil rant-y thing i’ve compiled for y’all!


i just wanted cute gays to get together. and sweet trans kids to be accepted. but i also wanted stabby things. and sparkles. like, jewel sparkles. and gold sparkles. or sparkly stabby things for cute trans gays. also, i wanted nature in there. I wanted some tension in there. and also some stars and flowers. just because i like those things. and if i could include some kind of paper plane too that’d be fun. like,,,they go and like,,,communicate to each other through like,,,paper planes. anyway. but there must also be some death. but not too much death. or blood. i want some kinda soft angst. and then some really not soft at all angst. but you cannot get that actual balance right because it’s like,,,difficult and i don’t like,,,have the patience to like,,,learn to skills of that. anyway. i also want some cute gayness. and i need some levels of vulnerability for the characters to be created. i want some silly sword fighting. but also characters not getting along. but also huge gun battles and gunshots shrieking through the sky and exploding in the dust on the other side of a battle field. i need some silly moments when everyone is just sitting around laughing and having fun. and then others when they’re all in tears and it’s just raw and sad and awful. i want it to feel like there are times when the entire world is ending because i’m struggling to write so much and the characters are mimicking what i’m feeling and it’s just awful. but then it all carries on. OH! and i want music in there,,,like,,,one of them playing music but,,,like,,,the others not knowing. and then they find out. and they’re like,,,super impressed. and it’s something soft like a flue or a piano or something and everyone is super like,,,shocked and it’s real nice. there needs to be some amount of heartbreak and then reparation (is that a word? (it is now)) of said heart. i want sweet and tender moments followed by moments or chaos and urgency. i want war but then also like,,,calm. i want pirates and gangs and guns and things without being clique and copying every other story line around. i want beautiful characters who love each other so intensely it isn’t funny. but then i want them to also hate each other with a passion. i want characters who grow together and learn to love each other as cute gays. i want teasing and flirting and blushing. i want others to ship the pair together but on the dl. but i don’t want it to become so much like that that it become a freaking romance or a fanfiction,,,because that’s like,,,very boring. i want to to be cute without being too cute. i want this to have moments when someone is just screaming and ranting and super upset and angry and someone else is just listening and doing something else and just like,,,nodding every now and then. i want them to have to make adult decisions at a young age and be forced to give up things they really don’t want to then. but i also want them to be children like,,,five minutes later and just be like,,,joking and playing about and shit. i want them to be loved by everyone but also like,,,piss everyone off so much they hate them all and are like,,,nope. not dealing with you today. i just wanted it all to go to plan

AND DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO DO??? ESPECIALLY THAT LAST PART??? IT’S INSANE AND I DON’T GET IT OR LIKE IT OR ANYTHING.


so, that’s my little rant over. i hope you enjoyed it and actallly felt some of my struggles as a writer having to deal with cutting all those ideas down into something that hasn’t been done a thousand times over and is actually good! it’s all going great so far, i’m not really annoyed about the fact that i have no actual plot and just have characters who i’m not giving up for anything. not. at. all.

anyway, if you’re a writer, do tell me about your struggles. also your novel ideas. and whether you’re doing camp NaNoWriMo this month (i’m not). and anything else you want to talk to about your novel, do so!

and if you’re not a writer, that’s cool too. just talk to me about how your life is, what you’re doing. what your hobbies are. the like, the like.

have a good night children.
emily xo

LIFE UPDATE BECAUSE ONE IS NECESSARY AT THIS POINT IN TIME | Emily Rambles About Nothing Useful

My dearest children, welcome. I have greatly missed you.

Anyway, it’s been a while. I suck very much at this blogging thing. Especially at the moment. I do apologise sincerely. I also hope you forgive me for being such a useless person. I really do. It’s also time to update you on what’s happening in my life and what I’ve been doing since I last blogged about my life. Lettuce begin.


Moving

We moved last Friday (29 March) and it’s been an absolute nightmare. We are living out of cardboard boxes (hundreds of them) and everything is a mess. The house is nice, but I miss the old one so much. We also do not have any internet yet as the company who is meant to be supplying it is messing up greatly (that is reason #1 that I haven’t been blogging in the past week).

School

The first term of the year is almost finished and so far it’s going well. I’m getting through everything and I don’t feel like I’m struggling too much. I got good marks in my first maths test of the year which I was super proud of and all my other marks so far seem to be reflecting that (just jinxed myself, didn’t I). Other that PE I’m doing well. PE isn’t going well and it’s the only class that I have actually got a fail mark in. Ever.
For art we’re just going into wearable art and I’m SUPER excited because my design is super fun and I’m loving making, designing and planning it. I’ll be posting about that on the other blog (when I get internet back), so go give that a follow if you want to keep up to date with that!
I’m really loving the classes I’m really loving the classes I’m taking this year and am looking forward to them for the rest of the year.

Friendships

I’ve actually managed to solidify myself a couple of stable friendships. And, y’all, I’m loving it. It’s amazing to have those people who you can relate to and rely on and that you just get along with. I’m having a lot more fun that I was about 6 weeks ago now. I’ve cut another couple of people from my friendships, but its all been for the best and I’m enjoying my life more now that they’re not in it. I’ve also managed to get myself a couple more friends who I don’t talk to all the time, but talk to every now and then, but when we talk, we have amazing conversations and SO MUCH FUN together.
All in all, I’m loving my current friendships and am having a lot of fun with my friends. (I do not have one of my best friends looking over my should as I write this, begging me to write lovely things about her. Not at all.)

General Life

General life is fine. I’m going to cover a few of the other things that have happened in my life since I last really just sat down and talked to y’all.
My rabbit died. Only one of them, but she was pregnant and she died the day after we moved into the new house. I’m thinking it was from the shock of moving. I have one more rabbit who I’m going to sell so I can buy myself a new one.
My other rabbit died. Not the one I’m selling, another one. I was only meant to move with one rabbit, but she died the week before we moved and I was distraught.
My laptop died. A few days ago, my laptop decided it would just BOOM. Die. It was super useful of it, I’m very pleased. Not. (Reason #2 I haven’t been blogging)
I bought a new laptop. Just yesterday, I bought myself the Microsoft Surface Pro 6 along with the majority of the accessories that I was able to buy. My parents sprung me a bit of it, but I paid for the majority of it. So now I can actually blog! On a nice laptop!
I went to the Year 10 school dance. And I loved it. I had so much fun and it was so amazing. I felt so good, comfortable and in my element. I wore a black jumpsuit and red heels and felt so good with myself, my body and everything. It was one of the most fun nights I think I’ve ever had. Three hours of dancing, singing and hanging out with friends. So worth the sore throat the day after!

Mental Health

I began working with a new counsellor. Again. This must be the 12th counsellor I’ve worked with/seen! I swear, it’s so annoying, but I just don’t seem to ‘click’ with anyone! But I think I’m clicking with this one. So far what we’ve discussed has been really good and I’ve been learning a lot.
I went through a really long period of time just before and after out move where I felt really depressed and awful. But I think I’ve got through that. I’ve been feeling very alone at nights without the music I usually listen to, but I’ve been dealing with that as it hits.
My anxiety levels have been super high recently which is really annoying, I’ve been having panic attacks much more frequently and they’ve been worse than they have ever been. But I’m also dealing with them. I’m beginning to be able to sense when they’re coming on and deal with them from there. I’ve also been discovering other methods of overcoming them and calming myself down when I’m really stressed out and anxious. Pretty much, I’m getting better at dealing with my anxiety. My new counsellor is also helping with that a lot.
Sleep. I haven’t been getting much of it. But that might have something to do with not having an actual bed and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for now. But the weirdest thing about this, is that I’m not feeling tired, I’m just not sleeping. It’s all very weird. But that’s fine.


Y’all kiddos, that’s the end of that lil’ update. I’m gonna sit here at the library and draw while listening to some relaxing children yelling and piano music, but I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Y’all should tell me about your life and how it’s been since we last talked, I’d enjoy that greatly!!!

peach out ma dudes,
emily xo

I Gave Up On My WIP

Howdy folks.

I gave up on my story. My WIP has died. Lilia and Melanie and Nya and Noah And Eleanor have all been quietly replaced. ANd I would like to explain to y’all why I’ve given up/stopped writing the piece I was. Lettuce begin.


  • Very simply, to begin, I didn’t know what else to write. I had the basic outline for the entire thing, but I just couldn’t get my chapters to be long enough, it just didn’t work. I could write for hour and hours and hours and have 3 part-written chapters that didn’t make sense and were 1000+ words off my goal (about 2500 words). It was becoming difficult to come up with things to write in that wouldn’t just be fillers (fillers being unnecessary pieces that you will cut out upon redrafting and editing). I had all these ideas but none of them seemed to fit with the theme (very real, very deep).
  • Next, it was boring me. I couldn’t find inspiration to keep writing and hadn’t written anything for several weeks when I finally decided to give up and put that to rest. It was boring me and I didn’t know how to overcome that boredom. With that boring me, I was beginning to find writing boring and not doing it as much, I wasn’t reading, wasn’t writing that, wasn’t writing short stories and wasn’t writing blog posts. The quality of my writing was dropping drastically and it was all effecting me. I was finding writing a chore and it was becoming something I dreaded, rather than looked forward to which was a shame.
  • I was triggering myself. This is possibly the biggest reason for ending this. I was finding the whole process of writing about mental health, suicide, self harm, eating disorders, homophobia, abuse and the like so difficult and it was actually hurting me to write about it. Everything that I was writing about was reflecting my life, my mental health, my eating disorders and the homophobia I have faced. Everything was so real that I would finish writing a piece and be so triggered that I needed to get everything out. I would come away in fits of tears, shaking, crying, not knowing why. The whole point of writing it was to bring more awareness to what teens face when they suffer from the things mentioned above, but it was having a really bad effect on me and I was beginning to feel like I was writing the story of myself and predicting what was going to happen to me.
  • I didn’t know enough. I didn’t know enough about religion to write about it. Enough about dealing with mental health to write about it. Enough about anything I was writing about, to write about it. The place it was set was somewhere I had never been. I have never been in a relationship like Mel and Lilia were, where they’re so in love with each other they’d rather die than hurt the other in any which way. I fet as thought I was going to be ruining people’s perceptions and possibly further injuring the things I was trying to help heal.
  • It wasn’t making any sense. None of what I was writing was making sense. My head was a mess (is a mess) and felt really foggy and none of my thoughts were (are) clear. It was difficult to form correctly formatted sentences and ideas from that mess . This was meaning that everything I was writing was ending up sounding really off and really murky. None of the ideas were clearly ‘there’ and absolutely everything was repetitive and really badly written. I hadn’t bothered to outline anything or go through the correct process to write it, I hadn’t come up with character information that went further than describing the things wrong with them. It was all a mess and nothing was making sense to me.

When I gave up on the work it was sitting at just under 30,000 words, about half-way to my goal of about 60,000 but I couldn’t form correct ideas or anything for that. I just felt like I had to tell y’all about what was happening with that rather than coming at you with another idea and having y’all go ‘woah! dude! What! New story! But what about the other one!’ because that would be completely reasonable. But now I can just send you this link and I’ll know you haven’t read this post!!!

Anyway, that’s all I can think about writing tonight, I hope it made sense and I hope y’all have a great night!!!

see you in the next post!
emily xo


Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety | A Raw Chat

Welcome.

I want to put a trigger warning here to just say that this post may be triggering to some people. It covers very raw subjects and I will not be holding back about what happened to me in this time.

TW: ANXIETY ATTACKS


Let’s cut straight to the chase. The lack of stability in my life currently, led to the biggest anxiety attack I have ever had, last Wednesday. I had an anxiety attack in class last Wednesday that was so bad that the school sent me home and my parents didn’t allow me back the next day. It was really, really bad.

So I don’t know much about what happened that day, Wednesday. What I know so far is as follows:

  • I was in maths and all was fine.
  • I got to my form class and all was fine
  • I began shaking and my heart rate jumped from 86bpm to 110bpm within a few minutes
  • the bell signalling the end of class rung and I ran out of class. By this point, my heart rate was 122bpm and I was shaking so badly I could bearly walk.
  • I met up with a friend and couldn’t speak clearly, I was stuttering
  • within a few minutes, I was full on crying and could bearly make out a word
  • I rang my mother but she didn’t answer so I rung my father and asked him to ring the school and get me a counsellors appointment ASAP
  • he did that and then sent me to the school office and told me he’d pick me up in 30 minutes
  • I don’t know anything after that. He picked me up and I wrote out the first 100 Fibonacci numbers. I was full on shaking and my heart rate reached 177bpm at some point.

I don’t know anything else. I don’t know what happened in those 30 minutes, I really don’t. I got home sometime later and talked to a friend for a while. What happened after that was fine and there wasn’t really an issue. It took me until 7pm to get my heart rate down to about 90bpm. This anxiety attack happened at about 10am.


Okay, so we have the basics down. I had an anxiety attack. I got taken home from school. Now we proceed onto a few things I have in my brain right now and just want to get out.

Why did this happen? What caused it? Was there a certain trigger? How did I not pick up on it? How come only one person in my class picked up on it? Why wasn’t I able to control it? Is there someone who can help me with this? Is there a way that I can help myself with this? Will it happen again? What will happen if it happens again? Will it be worse next time?

I want to very quickly run through answers to those questions.

It happened because of a whole bunch of instability in my life. It was triggered by people who have hurt me and are continuing to do so. I didn’t pick up on it because I thought it was fine. That one person picked up on it because she cares and she may be the only one. I wasn’t able to control it because I thought I had it under control. I thought I wasn’t going to have anxiety attacks again. There is someone who can help me, but they’re not the school counsellor, that’s for sure. I don’t know how I can help myself yet.
The last three questions are scaring me. Because I don’t know the answers. I don’t know any of that.


If it happens again, my guess is that it will be worse. If I have a panic attack, a mental breakdown, that bad again, it will be worse than this one. I know it. Even though it hasn’t happened and no one’s told me that.
If this happens again, and I know it will, I know it will happen again, I don’t know what will happen. All I know is the consequences of it, next time, could be fatal. Possibly. What will happen next time this happens is not going to be good. At all. For anyone. It may end it me doing something dumb, a spur of the moment thing, and doing something to hurt myself. And the consequences of that could be fatal. Because with my levels of depression, anything could happen. I know what’s happened in the past, what almost happened last time, I know that if it gets worse, things could happen. And they wouldn’t be good.

If I knew how to deal with it, I would. But I can’t, Not now at least. I have no stability at the moment. I have no stable friendships, no stable goals, no stable life. Okay, this is going to sound real dumb, but I kinda wanna date someone who will just keep me grounded. So I can say that I have a stable friendship, so I have someone who I can just go ‘OMG you’re here, it’s okay. I’m okay’ because that’s what happened last year when I dated someone. I Felt like I had a grounding. Someone to ground me. So if any of y’all wanna come out of the closet and agree to date me, that’d be wonderful! (in all seriousness, I really just want someone to be able to do that around, partner or not, I just want someone like that. BUT THAT’S UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN!!!)

look, we all know it, when i’m in a really bad headspace, i can’t say anything serious. it’s an issue.


So I don’t really know. This was really confusing but I think it was just me chatting about everything and getting it all off my chest. As well as asking someone to date me! Or pretend to date me! Or just be there for me when I need them! But none of that’s going to happen, so that’s okay!

Yes. I had my biggest ever anxiety attack last week and would like to use that as my excuse for not having posted for the last while. I have also been keeping no food in my system, dealt with severe stomach cramps and pains whenever I’ve eaten, haven’t been exercising, have been listening to real depressing music and have been sleeping an average of 3 hours a night. I have no routine to my life! But that’s fine and I’m doing great!

I don’t know what to say here! Comment something if you want, or don’t. You do you boo. It’s all up to you!

peace out ma dudes!
emily xo

Wishes, Hopes and Dreams | Being Egotistical and Telling Y’all What I Want

Hello

I’m in a bad space currently. I’ve had to break off several friendships, become depressed, had three anxiety attacks since Sunday and cried for 3 hours today. My head hurts, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my eyes hurt and I just plain damn hurt all over.
But I’m fine. I’m doing okay. I’m doing homework. Which is calming for unknown reasons. I actually enjoy doing it. Odd me.

So today I am going to be very self-centred and tell you exactly what I want. For myself. And no one else. And no world. This is all for me. Because I feel bad and this might cheer me up a little.

Also, I apologise for the lack of blog posts, I put that down to school, people and bad mental health. But I kinda want to get back into posting. So I’m gonna try and we’ll see what happens!

Please note that the majority of these things will not be able to be done and I know this. But we need hopes and dreams to keep us alive. These are things that will not happen without a lot of planning and practise and work that I will have to put in over a long period of time.

Let’s get going and get this over with.


  • I want the close friendships that I spend forever working on back.
    I worked really hard last year to make friends with a bunch of people and by the end of the year I had some friendships that I thought were strong. With amazing people. And then a whole bunch of stuff went down and I lost them. The majority of the friendships I have now are online, even though I go to school with these people and meet up with them daily for five minutes to give them a hug before we have to part ways.
    I lost the majority of these friendships by removing myself from toxic friendships with people who I also once considered close friends.
    I’ll do a post entirely on this at some point, on losing close friends.
  • I want the people I used to be so close to back in my life.
    These people aren’t the people from above, the people I go to school with and that sort of stuff. No. I’m talking the people who I only have contact with via my blog and – on occasion – email. There are a couple of people who I really, really, really just want to hang out with again. And just talk about random stuff. Because those people are so freaking amazing and I miss them so much. Those are the people who I have had the strongest, longest friendships with.
    You know who you are. And please know that I miss you so much it ain’t even funny.
  • I want to be able to keep two on my bunnies, rather than just one, when we move.
    This is a crazy one on here. But when we move, we have to get rid of all our animals. We can only keep a few – cats, a dog, a rabbit, budgies. This means that I have to get rid of the majority of my rabbits. I have been given permission to keep one. And there are six. There are two young rabbits that I love so much and I don’t want to have to choose between the two of them, but I know I have to, because there isn’t enough space at the place we’re moving for two rabbits. And I hate that. I hate getting rid of the rabbits.
    But I have to choose one. And I want to choose them both.
  • I want to move our land closer to town with the house we’ve bought and the garden on it.
    That makes no sense. Pretty much what I mean is this:
    I want to take the land we currently have, put the house we’re moving into on it, and move it all closer to town. I want that. Because that would be perfect. We would have the land and therefore the animals, we would have the big house that we’ve bought, the nice house, and we’d be close to town, so we didn’t have to drive as far as we do every morning. I know that that is absolutely impossible, but I wish it were possible. Because I don’t want to do this.
    I’ve got a moving post ready and it’ll be up in a few days and that will clarify all of this for you.
  • I want to remove all my mental illnesses and other ‘issues’.
    I want to take away the anxiety, the depression, the anger, the anorexia, the body dysphoria, the gender dysphoria, the gender identity issues, all of that. I want it to be gone. And I know that can’t happen without a whole lot of things happening first. But I wish it could. Because those things hurt like hell.
    I know that there are things I can do to help with those things, but they’re going to take time, or I’m going to have to become ‘stronger’ and tell my parents about my gender issues, about the fact that I do hate my chest, that I am not a girl, all of that. But I can’t bring myself to. They get the pronouns, but they don’t get the gender neutralism. The fact that I’m not their daughter.
    But we’re getting there. Slowly.
  • I want to have the money to buy my friends everything they so deserve.
    My friends, the ones who have stuck with me for freaking ever, through all the drama, through splitting apart, through only having online contact and very little IRL communication, deserve the world. I want to be able to give them everything they deserve. To remove all their issues, because they’ve helped me so much.
    But I don’t have that money. Yet. I will. One day. And then they’ll get what they deserve. Then they’ll understand how much they mean to me. Because – and I’ve said this a whole lot – they deserve everything they can get.
  • I want to meet my online friends.
    Because those people are so amazing. And I love them so much. There are very few people who I’m super close to online, but I want more online friends, and I want to meet the ones I have. Because that would be amazing.
    But money’s an issue, as is being halfway across the world.
    But one day I’ll get there. One day I’ll meet them. Because I need to do that. These people mean so much to me, and I want to see them and tell them that IRL.
  • I want a ferret.
    You can’t have ferrets in New Zealand. But I want a ferret. I don’t know why, I just do. I just want a ferret. I don’t care what they do, what they hurt, I want a ferret. They’re so adorable and I need one. If it involves moving halfway across the world, I’ll do it. I just want the ferret. Now. Please. Someone send me a ferret. I would love you forever.
  • Tell me those are not the most adorable creatures in the entire universe. I love them so much. And I want them. So badly.
  • I want to be old enough to get tattoos.
    I want tattoos so badly. I want to be able to do the things I have always wanted. As an artist, I personally see my body as a kind of canvas, ready to be turned into a piece of art. And it’s blank at the moment. I want to pierce it more than it already is, I want to draw on it, permanently. I want to be able to put on my body the fact that I’ve survived. That I’ve been through struggles, with my mental health, with my image, with everything, and I’ve got through. That is something so serious to me. I want it to happen. Soon.
    I have ideas for tattoos, I have designs and all of that, but I’m not old enough. It’s a year until I can legally get a tattoo, and then I’d have to find a way to hide it under my uniform. And it’s the same with piercings, I can get several, I just can’t show them.
    So we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. And we give ourselves something to stay alive for. A tattoo.
  • I want all the drama going on in my life, to be over.
    All the friendship drama, all the school drama, all the family drama, all the drama with the house, I want it all to be gone. I want to take a pill, and remove it all. And make it disappear. Because I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being the focal point of all the drama, the one who it all centres around. Because it does always seem to be me who the drama centres around. And that really gets to me. It really gets to me.
    I get sent all the information. I get told everything. And I’m stuck in the middle of all the dramas that I wasn’t involved in in the first place.
    Or I’m the drama. I’ve removed something or someone from my life, and that’s backfired. That happens too. And I’m stuck in the middle of the drama, having a panic attack.
  • And lastly, I want my schoolwork to go well.
    This is doable. We’ll end on somewhat of a high. I can do this. I can do well on my schoolwork. It will take dedication, but I can do it. I know I can. And I like that. I like that a lot.
    I can do well in school, in class, I’m calm. Everything disappears and it’s just me and my head and the paper and the pen and the teacher. Especially in art, fashion and maths. And sometimes science. When I can see the numbers and the patterns and it all makes sense. Then, none of the dramas can get me, in schoolwork, I’m safe. That’s probably weird, but schoolwork has no drama.
    I can bury myself in my schoolwork to remove myself from the outside world and get good grades. I can do well.

And that’s the end. I hope you enjoyed all of this. All of me being self-centred and talking about the things I can’t have but really want. It was fun to write.

Leave your wishes in the comments below, those things are always fun to do! And this is a great point for you to just get things off your chest, like I have. This wasn’t meant to be a rant, but it is a rant. And that’s fine.

peace out ma dudes!
emily

Some Number of Never Asked Questions Challenge | Can You Tell I Have Nothing to Post?!

Howdy

I have nothing to post because I have a few big, giant huge post ideas and posts in the making and they’re taking longer than expected. And I’m also dealing with school and shitty mental health and shitty friends. So I’m sorry if I’m not really posting often. Right now it’s late and I want to get this out before midnight so I’m posting this. It ought to be fun.

Let us begin


What’s your favorite candle scent?
Vanillaaa, it’s so nice and relaxing and soothing and good for my mental health

How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?
Um, some age. I really don’t want to get married unless I find someone who I really, really, really like. Like, a lot.

Do you know a hoarder?
Meee! But other than that, no. I don’t think so. Maybe.

Can you do a split?
Yeup. Both a right and a middle split

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
Funny story. I was six and the only reason I learnt was so I wasn’t the last person in my class to do so. I did it.

What would you name your daughter if you had one?
Alexis, Nika or Emery

What would you name your son if you had one?
The same as for the daughterrr

What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
Dora the Explorer, I would wake up at the specific time of it just to watch it when I was little. I don’t know why though

Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
Yeup. The first two were good and the last was the worst series I think I may have ever read. Ever. And that’s saying a lot.

Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
Obviously a British one, sorry not sorry.

Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
I would like to know who doesn’t so then I can go and smack them.

Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
Grey. Gray. Grey. It depends on where I am and how I feel and how my brain is working and whether or not I’m getting my a’s and e’s and p’s and b’s confused or not. But usually grey.

What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
We love this question on here. Were I born a boy I would have been called Scott Paaris but I’m not a girl so??? who knows?

If you have a nickname, what is it?
The majority of my friends call me Luka, so maybe that?

Do you eat breakfast every morning?
Nope. I never eat breakfast. I drink iced tea or coffee and an uncaffinated tea and take some vitamins and then don’t eat until I”m hungry. About 12pm.

Where do you buy your jeans?
Wherever’s the cheapest place lol.

What’s the last compliment you got?
That my hair looked really nice. By some random person in the supermarket. It felt kinda nice.

What flavor tea do you enjoy?
Ya wanna know? Chamomile, chamomile and passionfruit, green tea and jasmine, peppermint, red bush, vanilla and chamomile, most things with chamomile, most things with vanilla, ginger and lemon, green tea with ginger, the list goes onnn

How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
Four. It’s real annoying, I kinda want more than that. But hey, we live with what we got kiddles.


So so so…that’s the end of that. I don’t know how many questions that was but hey, it was lots of fun. At 11pm. Now to do some random stuff and then read a book and then go to bed. And then wake up and go to school. What a fun life I live kiddlesss! Adios frens!

peace out ma dudes!
emily

Reminiscing on the Past | A New Project?????

I really don’t have any clue how to intro this, so this ought to be fun.

I live a lot in the past, I base a lot of my life around the past. My past has created who I am now, it has hurt and healed me and I think that it’s pretty important. This past month I have thought a lot about the past and all the old memories. My name holds a lot of memories, which I think is one of the main reasons I’ve been thinking about the past, I don’t want to lose those memories if I change my name. I think that would hurt a lot. But some of those past memories aren’t the flashest either. But thinking about all that has called up a lot of memories and I’ve had some ideas.

For December I want to do a project. A blogging project. I want to post about three times a week and one of those posts I want to be about reminiscing. At least one. Maybe two, we’ll just see what happens. I want to redo things and see what’s changed since I did them originally.

I’m thinking things like rewriting stories I wrote in year 6-7 (2/3 years ago), I’m thinking rereading childhood books, rewriting my first blog post, things like looking back through my past and coming up with things that have made me, me. The things that have created me. I had a lot of fun redoing the three songs tag the other day and seeing how I’d changed, and I want to do that again. I found a few stories with A today in Science class, stories I wrote as a 10/11 year old child and they’re cringy but so different from what I’m writing now. It’s sad but happy.

I think that the past is what shapes us, the past is what shapes our futures. Out pasts are what makes us, us. Our pasts are something we need but shouldn’t dwell on, and I do that, I live a lot in the past as a consequence of my anxiety, the anxiety feeds off the past, my past mistakes and my memories. This coming month marks a year since my gran’s death, my first year of high school comes to a close and it marks the end of my first year being open about stuff. It marks the end of another year, another year will have passed in 31 days. We have 31 days left of this year, we have 31 days left to complete our goals. And that scares me. I feel that this year has passed and I’ve wasted it. I don’t feel I have done anything productive, I haven’t completed the majority of my goals. But that’s okay.

I want to do this project/series and make it positive, I want to be able to reflect on who I was, who I am, how I’ve changed over the years. I want to see if I can place the things that have shaped me as a person alongside the things that have caused me to be as mentally unstable as I am now. I want to be able to reflect on who I am, I want to do this now and be able to come up with ways of improving who I am for next year. I want to be my best me next year. I think that’s really important.

I want to do this for myself, to be able to laugh at who I was and what I did when I was young. I need to get out of the past and I know this is all about being in the past but maybe it’ll help me. Maybe.

So this was a complete mess and I have no clue what it was, but that’s okay. So this is the end, can I get some opinions down in the comments please? I’m also going to be doing a month of Christmas posts so get ready for that!!!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Miniature Blue Vanilla Cupcakes | A Big Fat Recipe + Delicious Food

I am addicted to cupcakes. You can judge all you want, but I love cupcakes. I can’t eat them without being sick, but I still eat them. The thing with me is that I only really eat cupcakes, cake, carrots and hummus. I love all those foods and y’all need to know that.

But this is a big fat blue cupcake recipe. So here y’all go with this big recipe. You’re welcome. This is not allergen free but you can always swap the allergy foods for non-allergy foods (nut milk and coconut butter for dairy milk and dairy butter, nut flour for gluten flour etc.). So because there is no ingredients list because I cbf with one it’s going to have the ingredients in bold. Deal with it. Or don’t. You do you. Wow, now I am completely rambling, so I may as well now begin this recipe. The actual end of this big fat long intro. Goodbye for now.

  1. This miniature blue velvet cupcake recipe makes you about 36 cupcakes. So yes, we shall begin. And I cbf with an ingredients list so I’m gonna put them all in colour.

    Preheat the big hot thing called the oven to 180 degrees Celcius which is a very hot temperature. Once the oven is on, DO NOT TOUCH IT BECAUSE IT IS HOT. This is important.
  2. Get a red miniature silicone muffin pan which will hold 12 miniature cupcakes and spray it with the big bottle of oil. Another important note here is NOT TO SPRAY IT ANYWHERE BUT THE SINK OR OUTSIDE because otherwise, everything gets oily.
  3. Find a big baking mixer and put 125g of soft butter into it. Turn it onto SLOW and beat it for a few minutes, slowly increasing the speed until the butter is fluffy.
  4. Add 125g of sugar to the mixture and beat some more until everything is very light and very fluffy. It must be very fluffy and there must be huge amounts of the butter and sugar mixture. You can eat some of it here if you really want to. It tastes good. But don’t eat too much or you won’t get cupcakes. Or eat it all. Up to you.
  5. Beat 2 eggs into the mixture SLOWLY so the mixture turns a bright kind of yellow colour. But DO NOT OVERMIX IT because then you will get a rack cupcake.
  6. Remove the mixing bowl from the beater and SIFT (with a sieve) 125g of self-rising flour over the butter mixture. Then mix it all together slowly in the mixture (oh, you must put the mixer BACK).
  7. Turn the beater off and into this big mixture, add 1 Tablespoon of some kind of milk and 1 teaspoon of vanilla essence and turn the mixer back onto SLOW. Then add about ¼ teaspoon of blue food colouring and stir it in.
  8. Then do a thing in which you put 1 Tablespoon of the blue cupcake mixture into each muffin case and then put it all in the oven and cook the cupcakes for 10-15 minutes.
  9. Then turn the cupcakes out onto a tray and eat them all.

And that’s the end because I’m done and tired and don’t want to write anything else. The end. Goodbye.

see you in the next post!

emily xo


A Second Three Songs Tag???!! | Musical Things & My Favourite Songs

A big giant post that is being redone to see how my music tastes have changed in the past 6 months because I am sick and bored. Also some (not very) important information at the end of the post that it would be cool if you could read because I really didn’t need to write it but did. Just like this excert. But hey, that’s what we’re doing. It would be goodio if you would like and comment, or don’t.
So pretty much there are meant to be 90 songs but I have less because we stan a repetitive uncle in this house!

Da-da-da-da-da! We’re gonna do a musical thing today whilst I am sick. Again. But this is musical and you are now going to learn about music I love a lot. Wow, I’m gonna do the thing I did a while ago and see how my music tastes change.

1 . Three songs that come up when you put your phone on shuffle

  • 11.11 | Waterparks
  • Afraid | The Neighbourhood
  • Shed a Tear | Kodaline

2. Three last songs you listened to

  • How Far We’ve Come | Matchbox Twenty
  • What Do I Know? | Ed Sheeran
  • Miss America | James Blunt

3. Three songs you were recently obsessed with

  • Sweet but Psycho | Ava Max
  • Brother | Kodaline
  • Kids Again | Artist Vs Poet

4. Three songs that you know thanks to your parents

Same as last time, lol!

  • Bohemian Rhapsody | Queen (although they don’t like it!!! XD)
  • DOA | Foo Fighters
  • Jailbreak | Thin Lizzy

5. Three songs you wish you could forget (because listening to them hurts)

  • The Village | Wrabel
  • Brother | Kodaline
  • The Hanging Tree | James Newton Howard

6. Three songs you wish you could erase from history (because they’re terrible)

No clue anymore. Probably the same as last time.

  • Jailbreak | Thin Lizzy
  • Gangnam Style | PSY
  • PPAP (Pen Pineapple Apple Pen) | PIKOTARO

7. Three songs you didn’t expect to like but eventually loved

  • Your Song | Ellie Golding (the original was better though)
  • Total Eclipse of the Heart | Sleeping at Last (better than the original)
  • I Love You Too | Maria Mena

8. Three songs that remind you of summer and vacation

  • Waves | Dean Lewis
  • Eastside | benny blanco, Halsey, Khalid
  • Yellow | Coldplay

I did that all of the colours I relate to Summer, lol.

9. Three songs that get you in the Christmas mood

  • Feels Like Christmas | Panic! at the Disco
  • Christmas Lights | Coldplay
  • All I Want For Christmas Is You | Mariah Carey

10. Three favorite spooky songs

  • Thriller | Michael Jackson
  • Demons | Imagine Dragon
  • Time Warp | Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast 

11. Three favourite songs from movie or TV series soundtrack

  • Lily’s Theme | Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two Soundtrack
  • The Hanging Tree | James Newton Howard
  • Shallow | Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper

12. Three favorite songs from video games

None again.

13. Three songs you want at your funeral

  • Sweet but Psycho | Ava Max
  • You Will Be Found | Dear Evan Hansen
  • Faded | Alan Walker

14. Three songs you want at your wedding

  • I Said Hi | Amy Shark
  • Flower Child | High Dive Heart
  • Fast Car | Jonas Blue, Dakota (the original was good too)

15. Three songs you want to dance with your love to

What love? lol. Me and one of my best friends have danced to this and it was fun

  • Don’t Threaten Me With a Good Time | Panic! at the Disco
  • High Hopes | Kodaline
  • A Sky Full of Stars | Coldplay

16. Three favorite songs to write to

  • Writer in the Dark | Lorde
  • Oh Ms Believer | twenty one pilots
  • Pay Attention! | Tessa Netting, Spies Are Forever Original Cast

17. Three songs that remind you of your family

  • We Are Family | Sister Sledge
  • 7 Years | Lukas Graham
  • Angels in Chelsea | Rachel Platten

18. Three songs that remind you of your friends

  • The Village | Wrabel (the majority of us are trans, that song is about a trans guy and we all identify with it)
  • Friend, Please | twenty one pilots (we send it to each other when we feel bad, go and listen to it, if you have a blood trigger DO NOT WATCH IT)
  • Brother | Kodaline (one friend and I have spent several lunchtimes crying to it and we’re sort of like the people in it)

19. Three songs that are your guilty pleasure

I am obsessed with them too, yes. 

  • Sweet but Psycho | Ava Max
  • Brother | Kodaline
  • Kids Again | Artist Vs Poet

20. Three songs that remind you of fictional characters

  • 100 Letters | Halsey (Lilia, my story)
  • Breathe Me | Sia (Nya, my story)
  • One Woman Army | Porcelain Black (Annabeth, Percy Jackson

21. Three songs of your childhood

Sorta the same as last time, but I’ve just remembered a better one.

  • Lemon Tree | Fool’s Garden (1st school production)
  • I Believe | Yolanda Adams (dance)
  • Just Dance | Lady Gaga (you guessed it, dance! lol)

22. Three songs you listen to when you’re sad

  • Friend, Please | twenty one pilots 
  • Happier | Bastille, Khalid
  • Neon Gravestones | twenty one pilots

23. Three songs that never fail to get you pumped up

  • Sweet but Psycho | Ava Max
  • Crazy=Genius | Panic! at the Disco
  • Novocaine | Fall Out Boy

24. Three favorite old songs

  • How To Save a Life | The Fray
  • Mr Brightside | The Killers
  • Purple Rain | Prince

25. Three favorite songs of 2018

Now, this was 2017, but it’s almost the end of 2018 so it’s changed to that

  • Chlorine | twenty one piots
  • Lovely | Billie Eilish, Khalid
  • Happier | Bastille, Khalid

26. Three favorite non-English songs

  • How to Save a Life (Spanish Version) | D4ve
  • Faded (Spanish Version) | 
  • O Sole Mio | Ludovico Einaudi

27. Three songs that remind you of your birthday

  • Happy Birthday | Whoever Wants to Sing It lmao
  • Fourth of July | Fall Out Boy
  • Centuries | Fall Out Boy

28. Three best songs to drive to

  • Fast Car | Jonas Blue, Dakota
  • Castle on the Hill | Ed Sheeran
  • High Hopes | Panic! at the Disco

29. Three songs that influenced you the most (some songs change or save lives)

  • Friend, Please | twenty one pilots
  • The Village | Wrabel
  • Save Myself | Ed Sheeran

30. Three songs you really want your followers to know

  • Friend, Please | twenty one pilots
  • The Village | Wrabel
  • Brother | Kodaline

Honestly please go and listen to all of these songs. I don’t feel up to putting them all into a playlist, but when I do I’ll link it in another post. Just YouTube them all and you’ll find them. It’s pretty easy. They are all so important to me and I know that this sounds really soppy and sappy, but they are all so important to me. They almost all mean so much to me and have changed me so much. Even the ones I hate. I am a big believer that music can change you and these songs definitely have. They all have the ability to make me cry or laugh and I swear that every song has so many memories behind it and it just makes me smile doing things like this.

In total conclusion, I think my music taste has completely changed sing May when I last did this lol. I feel that just reading through this again as I edit it, the songs I am listening to are a lot sadder and more moving. They are also more mature than the ones at the start of the year. I think that just goes to show how much this year has really affected me. How much this year has changed me, even since then. It’s amazing and kinda scary. But that’s just what it is and I can’t change that now.

Anywho, your thoughts on those last two paragraphs would be great. And if you have any music recommendation or tag ideas for me to do next, please comment them all!

Oh, as a side note before I go, and just to lengthen this post out even more, I may end up changing my name on here because it makes me uncomfortable and dysphoric and the only people who really use it are teachers and family, my friends all use my preferred name (which I thank a girl at school for helping me discover, thank E, it means heaps. Even if I don’t know you well and we talked for literally 20 minutes in all) which is Luka. Luka means light and I think that for me, especially at the moment, light is something my life is lacking and that name seems to fit well. It’s a gender-neutral name but more masculine than the majority of the other names I thought about (Charli, Emmet, Emmerson, thanks again friends!) but I do identify as male or agender more often than not so it fits well. End of endnote.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

50 Things That I Love  |  Wow, I’m a Mess  |  A Real Story Chapter

50 Things that I Love Thing | I Get Happy

This was meant to be a tag but there were no questions. So I’m going to write out three things that make me happy. Fifty-three things you idiot. Not three. Urgh, shut up, would you? (my name makes me dysphoric so I’m not using it. it’s too femme) So fifty-three things that make me happy. Let’s try this.

  1. My friends. Honestly they mean so much to me and just let me lie across them and cry when I need to.
  2. My friend H. Not going to use their name and we’re not close, but they make me so happy. Them and another friend I. They both just make me laugh, give me a hug and give me anxiety stones when I need them to. They’re both great. Shoutout to them humans. (can we change this to fifty-three things I love please?!)
  3. My teal faux mink fur blanket
  4. Clean sheets
  5. Feeling things
  6. Good books
  7. Hugs
  8. Nice Italian food
  9. Button up and flannel shirts
  10. Y’all
  11. Sunshine (is good for the soul)
  12. Maths
  13. Writing non-depressing things
  14. My counsellor, B, at school
  15. Dark chocolate and lite soy milk with honey
  16. Cats
  17. Good music. Kodaline, TOP, FOB, PATD, and dodie. Amazing. I love with all my heart.
  18. Cacti and succulents
  19. Animals
  20. Exercise
  21. Shopping both online and actually going through shops
  22. Letting myself be embarrassed
  23. The beach
  24. Autumn
  25. Avocado
  26. Genuine people. People who are real and so kind.
  27. Voltron. Pidge. And Bex.
  28. Drawing without restrictions
  29. Good almond milk lattes
  30. Sunsets across fields
  31. Breakfast for dinner
  32. Harry Potter.
  33. The bustle of city life
  34. Lights on the skyline of Wellington in the dark
  35. Being able to smile or laugh and actually feel the joy behind it.
  36. My family. Especially my mum.
  37. Having people play with my hair.
  38. Musicals
  39. Polaroids
  40. Fairy lights
  41. Organised, clean desks
  42. Letting myself go
  43. High hills
  44. Rainy days
  45. The scent of lavender
  46. French pastries
  47. Cherry blossoms
  48. Learning how to recover (and live and love life)
  49. New budding leaves
  50. Home (where the heart is)
  51. Watching birds
  52. Rainbows
  53. Knowing that life will get better and that the sun will always shine again.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Wow, I’m a Mess  |  A Real Story Chapter  |  I’m Scared