No one got back to me on this so I’m posting it.
Now, before we begin, I DO NOT support suicide. I have had suicidal thoughts but I do not support it. Do not take this as me saying ‘oh, you should go and kill yourself’. Oh, no. I am trying to say that no, suicide is not good. I would never commit suicide. Do. Not. Take. This. The. Wrong. Way. OKAY????? Shall we begin now? Yes, we will.
Suicide is huge at the moment. Hey, heck, they believe that Avicii just committed suicide. I don’t mean that in a joking manner, because I LOVE Avicii’s music. But so, so, so many people are committing suicide. Last year 606 people committed suicide in New Zealand alone. About 1 out of every 10,000 people commit suicide annually. Just an approximation.
Most of my stories have some character committing suicide. I don’t know why, but they just do. These characters just seem to kill themselves. They are all like this. They are just normal people who have something that happens to them and then they just kill themselves. Look, this is really bad explaining. Let’s just skip it.
I’ll move onto people killing themselves. Look, so many celebrities kill themselves. Chester Bennington (Linkin Park singer), Chris Cornell, Hannah Stone, August Ames and so many more. OK! So I don’t know who any of them are. But they all killed themselves last year. Yes, there were a lot more people who did the same. Most of them were not celebrities though. Just people who live as you and I do.
One of the biggest causes of suicide is depression. Depression kills so, so, so many people every year. They kill themselves because the depression has the ability to kill them. If you have read the rest of this series you will have read the post where I talked about my depression taking me over. Taking over my thoughts and my body in that process. It turns the thoughts into bad thoughts that turn it into deadly things. The thoughts get turned into things that have the ability to kill us. They do kill us.
Um, I really have no idea what I’m meant to say. I know what I mean to say but not really. I wrote a chapter of my story last night, it was the second to last chapter and it was about a girl writing a diary entry about the fact that she was about to kill herself. She said in it she was sorry. She was sorry that she had just walked off the bridge. Oh, I’ll give you a snippet. Just think about it. Um, I think I might just end it here. Can you just think about what I’m saying when I’m writing this. I know it’s about trains but if you realise what it’s really about then that’s be good.
It will not be easy to continue as you were before. As you are at this very moment. But you will continue. You will get on with life. Life will go on as it was. The world will not stop turning at it’s mind-boggling pace when my train stops.
Your train of life – whether it be 5 times the length of mine or a third of that – will keep plodding on. Because if my train stops and each other person who loves me’s trains stop, and the people around them’s, then no one’s train would be around anymore. There would no longer be a world. There would no longer be anyone to keep my spirit alive in. There would be no one to keep the image of my train with them.
When my train stops, no one else’s has to. As my train comes to its halt in the middle of the tracks, the others will continue on around it. Those passing trains of life will see my stationary train for a while. Fully, they will see each and every detail on it. But as time goes on, as the palaver of a stationary train gets forgotten – as my death settles in – my train will fade. It will fade and a new train will take its place. A new train will run along mine’s rails.
When my train has been replaced, the image of it in the mind’s eye and in photographs is all that will remain. Along with the odd bits and pieces that fell from the train along it’s journey. All that will remain of me when I am completely over. All that will remain in the mental images – the ones that cannot be forgotten – the photographs – the few there are – and the possessions I own tat will be cleared away as time goes on. I will only be a memory then. But that is good. It means that it does not hurt anymore. I am sorry.
So, I really have no clue what else to say. Just, I have had suicidal thoughts but I don’t want to kill myself. I am going to stop those thoughts because if I don’t, I will kill myself with them. Look, if I can do it, you can too. If you just want to talk, I am here. I am sorry for the weird post. Just, don’t kill yourself.
Xoxoxoxo. Love you lots.