50 Things that I Love Thing | I Get Happy

This was meant to be a tag but there were no questions. So I’m going to write out three things that make me happy. Fifty-three things you idiot. Not three. Urgh, shut up, would you? (my name makes me dysphoric so I’m not using it. it’s too femme) So fifty-three things that make me happy. Let’s try this.

  1. My friends. Honestly they mean so much to me and just let me lie across them and cry when I need to.
  2. My friend H. Not going to use their name and we’re not close, but they make me so happy. Them and another friend I. They both just make me laugh, give me a hug and give me anxiety stones when I need them to. They’re both great. Shoutout to them humans. (can we change this to fifty-three things I love please?!)
  3. My teal faux mink fur blanket
  4. Clean sheets
  5. Feeling things
  6. Good books
  7. Hugs
  8. Nice Italian food
  9. Button up and flannel shirts
  10. Y’all
  11. Sunshine (is good for the soul)
  12. Maths
  13. Writing non-depressing things
  14. My counsellor, B, at school
  15. Dark chocolate and lite soy milk with honey
  16. Cats
  17. Good music. Kodaline, TOP, FOB, PATD, and dodie. Amazing. I love with all my heart.
  18. Cacti and succulents
  19. Animals
  20. Exercise
  21. Shopping both online and actually going through shops
  22. Letting myself be embarrassed
  23. The beach
  24. Autumn
  25. Avocado
  26. Genuine people. People who are real and so kind.
  27. Voltron. Pidge. And Bex.
  28. Drawing without restrictions
  29. Good almond milk lattes
  30. Sunsets across fields
  31. Breakfast for dinner
  32. Harry Potter.
  33. The bustle of city life
  34. Lights on the skyline of Wellington in the dark
  35. Being able to smile or laugh and actually feel the joy behind it.
  36. My family. Especially my mum.
  37. Having people play with my hair.
  38. Musicals
  39. Polaroids
  40. Fairy lights
  41. Organised, clean desks
  42. Letting myself go
  43. High hills
  44. Rainy days
  45. The scent of lavender
  46. French pastries
  47. Cherry blossoms
  48. Learning how to recover (and live and love life)
  49. New budding leaves
  50. Home (where the heart is)
  51. Watching birds
  52. Rainbows
  53. Knowing that life will get better and that the sun will always shine again.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Wow, I’m a Mess  |  A Real Story Chapter  |  I’m Scared

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Wow, I’m a Mess |This Post is a Mess

Well, I am a huge mess. This past week has NOT been good. Has NOT been fun. But hey, life is a mess.

Today I have done nothing productive other than putting a load of washing on (10 minutes or so ago), going for a run, posted some Instagram photos on ALL my accounts and written this. Which is great. Not. I have also watched a lot of Voltron and Dodie videos, played Solitaire in solitude a lot, ridden this morning for an hour and a half and had a whole bunch of stomach cramps.

So today life is not good. But today is a lot better than it has been since probably this time two weeks ago. My life is an awful mess. My room is a complete mess, my hair has not been brushed in about two weeks, my hair is greasy and needs a wash, my clothes are in a pile on the floor in a huge mess, my skincare routine is completely out of whack and my social life…ha, what’s that?! Yeah, I’m not having fun at the moment.

Okay, my life is a mess, but that’s okay. It is okay for me to be depressed, to be anxious, to be a mess. And this is something that I’m only just coming to discover. Sometimes it’s okay just to cry. I spent an hour in the counsellor’s office on Friday, cried for at least half an hour to a friend and then went home and cried for a very long time. Until about 3 in the morning to be entirely honest. (okay, Grammarly, please sort out how ‘counsellors’ is spelt.)

At the moment I also feel very, very not here. As in I am not here. As in I’m not actually doing anything. I am struggling to feel things, to see things clearly, to hear things clearly and everything like that. and that heightens my depression.

I got through five of my exams last week with huge dramas hiding in my head. Very sad, bad dramas with friends and family and mental work. I have more exams this coming week and don’t actually want to do them. I really don’t want to go and do the rest of these exams. But they’re kind of important.

So on Monday I went and booked a counsellor appointment with the school counsellor who I’ve seen a couple of times before and she said she’d give me an appointment for this week. Then my dad rung her and she brought it forward to last Friday. So I went and saw the counsellor and cried for an hour. Before that, I had spent the entirety of my break crying. You see, I had tried a lot to be alone. I sat in a different place than usual, held a sketchbook and tried to let the world ignore me. Unfortunately, I have a friend who came and asked me why. And then I ended up crying and telling her all the shit that was going on in my life.

But the counsellor was good. I walked in crying and shaking and she sat me down, gave me tissues and told me to tell her what I was feeling. And I said nothing. Because I really didn’t know. Because I felt empty. Because I felt like nothing. In all honesty.

There’s another issue too. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DoING THIS. AND HECK, THAT’S AN ISSUE. I’m up until 3am crying because of it. Because I feel so empty. I am a shitty nightmare.

So now I’m seeing a counsellor at least twice a week until this sorts itself out and if it doesn’t then stuff will happen and I’m not sure what it will be. Another counsellor maybe? Medical support? I really don’t know. But we’re not there yet so we don’t know what’s going to happen.

Oh, another thing, how did I get to this point and why? Yeah, good questions. How? I got stressed, stopped exercising regularly, let my routines go to shit, my life became disorganised and I stopped caring about my wellbeing. I started studying too much and caring solely about that. And what caused it? A whole combination of things. As I have mentioned a couple of times before, I had a big load of sad news delivered to me about a week ago, there’s also a friend drama at school that I am not involved in, but I sort of get all the shit about it and we had exams. Mood swings and this thing where I feel empty don’t help either. And I guess dysphoria and dysmorphia don’t help one bit. OH! And I feed off others energy and I spend time with either depressed people or people who comfort the depressed people and therefore I do not have very much positive energy. So???

And to help this depressive, anxious episode, I’m going to keep talking to the counsellor and gonna try and practise some self-care to let myself just relax and get used to my own life. I’m also just going to learn to deal with the depression and anxiety and I’m going to learn to accept them. Oh, and I might recut my hair and shit like that. So I guess that’s the end?!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

A Real Story Chapter  |  I’m Scared  |  How To Study

A Real Story Chapter | Me Stressing and Depressing Whilst Writing a POST + a Full Chapter !!!!!

Well this was meant to be a fun post but before I started writing it I got some very bad news which upset me greatly. But I’m still going to try and make it fun. Because from what I’ve learnt in the past, writing something fun and happy while your crying either make what you write very depressing or it makes you have happy. So let’s see how this turns out.

I’m going to write a story on here and post it without much editing, just a raw copy. I think it’s going to be from Trigger Warning (any better titles y’all?) and will be some part that I haven’t written yet. I might also include some of my planning, but this is just going to be one of those posts that I’m posting because I really want to post and I’ve never seen it done before! So this should be fun. If you could comment your opinions at the end and like it that would be really lovely and cheer me up.

 

Idea: the cavity in the wall

Importance: of vague importance, not super important though

Setting: Lilia’s bedroom and just outside

Characters: Lilia, Eleanor (sister)

Placement: near end, two letters after, possibly two chapters

Colour process: black (ink, cavity inside), pink (ribbon), white (paper, walls), yellow (sun)

Outfit of MC: black hoodie, ripped jeans, white cropped t-shirt, pink hair

Key points:

  • Lilia needs to hide the letters she has written to people
  • Finds a hole in the wall in the closet
  • Nothing in the cavity/hole
  • Puts notebook/papers with letters in hole
  • All the letters get collected in the hole in the wall
  • Lilia tells Mel to find the letters in the hole when she lets go
  • Hole so small the papers have to be folded up completely to fit
  • Also hides ribbon in the cavity

 

She shook on the floor, the pieces of paper strewn about her. Her feet were folded under her, her hands bunched in the fabric of her hoodie,pressed to her mouth to silence her sobs. Never before had she realised that they took up so much paper. That they covered several pages each, white paper, black lines, covered in thin, black, scrawling script. Each one held a name at the top, a name that meant so much to Lilia, a name which had caused her so much joy, or so much pain. A name which she would never forget. Each of those names had been so agonisingly hard to write, each had caused her so much pain.

Carefully she picked them up and held them in her hand, a bunch of papers which, at first glance, were quite harmless. She lay them down once again, sorting them slowly into alphabetical order, beginning at her right side with Edward, the man from her church who held a low-level position but thought he was much better than that, who had caused her so much pain through his homophobic preachings and cutting remarks about gay people all the way to Nya who had been there for her through thick and thin. There to watch her cry, to wipe the tears and tell her it would be alright. Nya who had let her know that it was alright to be as she was, to not know who she was.

Her face was streaked now with tears, each rolling down her cheeks softly as she cried. They were hot and harsh but comforting at the same time. They let her know that it was real. They reminded her that she was real. But it didn’t feel real. She didn’t feel real. Letting the tears roll down her cheeks didn’t feel right either. It didn’t feel right crying as she was. Crying seemed so wrong. But Nya had said time and time again that it was fine, but that wasn’t that comforting. Because it seemed so childish.

But the papers were still strewn about the floor, sitting in front of Lilia in alphabetical order, each several pages long. All explaining the things that each person ought to know about her, about her death when it came, about why. Each person needed an explanation. And this would give them it. Some were longer than others, some had more detail, more story to them. Some were short and sharp, getting right to the point and then trailing off. But each letter was just as important as the last. All but one. There was one letter that wasn’t there. The letter was on her desk instead, half finished. That letter was the reason the tears were falling. The letter to Melanie hurt so much to write. It was as hard. Melanie meant to much to her and it hurt to write that letter. To tell her how much she would miss her. And with that letter sat the poem. And Lilia wasn’t sure what would happen with either of those.

There were footsteps outside the room and Eleanor’s voice screaming at someone, probably Jack. It brought Lilia back to reality. It caused her to stop thinking o the unfinished letter, of the pain that was involved in writing it. It made her think about the here and now, the letters which sat in front of her, in her bedroom, now, late afternoon. The sun from the window struck the paper, turning it from white to golden in broken shards. It was almost glasslike, beautifully broken. It reminded Lilia of a picture Mel had taken of her by the bridge one day, months ago, the polaroid they both had. A picture of Lilia sitting on the dark concrete, the sun crossing her face, encaptured in her hands. The soft white dress billowing about her. That had been beautifully broken. Lilia had been beautifully broken then. She was just broken now. Just a mess of skin and bone tangled in once perfect fitting fabrics.

The papers stayed there and Lilia watched them through eyes blurred by tears, wondering where they could go. There were too many for the diary. Too many to not become suspicious. But they couldn’t live i separate places, couldn’t possibly be strewn about the room in different hiding places. There they wouldn’t be able to be found easily as she aimed to have them. That wouldn’t work either. There they would all get lost. And that was not at all what she wanted. she wanted them all in one place so that she could deal with them all easily, so she could tell one  person where to go and they would find them. So she did not have people walk in and look in a book and find a letter telling them that she was going to kill herself. Because no one thought that she would possibly kill herself, the happy, joyful young girl she was. But she wasn’t happy or joyful. She was sad and broken and it just wouldn’t work like that. Not at all.

There was nowhere to hide them. There was a cardboard ox in the closet and something behind that. A hole. There was a hole in the closet, a big hole. A hole that would be able to fit the letters. It was a big, black hole that was big enough for Lilia to fit her hand into. Big enough to hide the letters in. It would be perfect.

Carefully she picked up all the letters and held them in front of her, watching the tops of them shake in her hands. Her eyes skimmed around the room, listening and watching, making sure that there was no one there who would see her place the letters into the hole. There was no one around there, no one who could walk in on her. The tears that had once been falling down her cheeks were now streaming down them, pouring red-hot, salty tears into the crevices and creases of her face and neck. There was a brief moment when she wondered what she was doing and why she was doing it. But that question was quickly overshadowed by the intrusive thoughts that pushed into her mind, explaining perfectly to her why she was doing this. Because no one else wanted her, no one else had any use for her. She was just a useless girl who cared for others and thought they liked her when actually they didn’t care for her, or love her. That was why she was doing this.

The door to the closet was slammed shut, a reminder of just how closeted she had to be, just how careful she had to be, dancing around with Melanie, skirting her family, making sure that no one suspected anything. Because that would be even harder to deal with. That was painful, that hurt her so much. No one would ever get it, it just wouldn’t happen.

She strode quickly over to the closet, carefully skirting around the clothes and papers littered over the floor, they were there for no particular reason and it was caring her, had she really got so out of it, so depressed, that she had become a pig? That she could let her bedroom get into this state? That was so wrong, she never did that. That never happened. Yet here she was, clothes and papers all over the floor.

Lilia yanked the closet open and crouched down, placing the letters on the floor beside her and began to pull things out of the closet. The boxes filled with shoes and fabrics, the binders neatly stacked, exploding with papers, designs and writings, maths work and science notes. It all come out, all got stacked neatly in a pile by her feet on the other side, away from the letters. The letters weren’t able to become damaged. At the back of the closet there was a ream of pale pink ribbon sitting alone. It was undamaged but there was very little of it left. Lilia picked it up and ran it over her hands, letting the silky fabric fall to the floor, landing softly on the letters. She bent into the closet and opened the hole in the back, pulling the black fabric that was stapled to it fall away, revealing the hole. Her hands scrabbled around in it, checking that it was empty, she was unable to see it, but from what she could tell, it was. Lilia picked up the papers from beside her and unravelled the ribbon from the reel it was on, if she was going to do this she may as well put the ribbon in with the notes, with the letters, with all the things that were going to be depressing to read. The people who found and read them at least needed a little bit of happiness, a little bit of fun. But then again, pink ribbon wasn’t that happy. Pale pink ribbon wasn’t the happiest colour out there, but it would do. And it was off the reel now, so there was no going back. She put everything back down and picked up a letter, carefully rolling it lengthways. She held it for a minute, letting it sit in her sweater pawed hand, looking at it, she hadn’t seen who it was to, but even that made her sad. But it wa for the good of everyone, she knew that. It was for the good of everyone that she was leaving as she was. When she was. No one would have to look after her again, she wouldn’t have to rely on anyone for anything anymore, everyone would be free of her. And that was all she wanted, she wanted everyone to be happy, and if that meant her not being there, so be it. That was how it would have to be.

A tear fell onto the paper and she quickly wiped it off, but it left a smudgy mark and she shrugged, hopefully it was still able to be read. If not, then that wouldn’t matter much anyway. It wasn’t really that important. It would all be forgotten in a couple of months. Everything would be just as she wanted it to be. Gone. Forgotten. That would be perfect. The papers would be the only reminders of her then. And that was good. She watched the tear streak on the paper for a few seconds before jerking it away and blinking quickly. Lilia reached into the closet and placed the paper inside the cavity, letting it fall to the bottom and hoping that it was empty. She withdrew her hand and picked up another letter, rolling it and placing it into the cavity, this time the process was much faster and she picked up another, rolling it and placing it into the cavity. She repeated the process again and again until there were no letters beside her. Finally all were gone and she sat back on her heels, looking at the cavity in the closet. Was it going to work, was anything going to actually work? Was anyone going to find them when she was gone? Was someone going to find them? She hoped so at least and grabbed the fabric, quickly stuffing it over the hole, closing it off to the world.

Slowly she picked up the boxes and placed them back into the closet one at a time, making sure they were in almost the same place as usual. One at a time, tears still dripping down her face. Eventually they were all back, all where they actually belonged. There were too many, it hurt to put them back, to cover up the hole, to hide the letters away fully. It was painful to remove them from herself, to hide them away from the world. But it was necessary, so, so necessary. Because no one could see them until she was gone, until everything had been finished.

Everything was back. Everything was gone. The letters were gone, hidden away. The boxes were gone, back where they belonged. And she was back to the way she always was. Alone. With no one around. And it was scary, and it hurt. But that was why she was doing what she was, sof she wouldn’t be alone any longer and so no one had to worry about her any more.

She sat for a while, staring but not seeing, thinking but not processing her thoughts. Everything was getting to be too much, and it was scary. Lilia broke down now, letting the tears fall heavier than they had before, collapsing to the ground, crying, no idea what she was doing.  Nothing was right, oohing was ever right, nothing would ever be right. Never.

 

If you’ve read all of that, thank you. It you’re reading this I need to say that I may not post again this week because we’ve got exams and the bad news may get worse over the course of the week and I therefore may not feel up to posting. But we’ll see how it goes.

Also, if you’re still reading, I updated my about page, so go check that out!!!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

I’m Scared  |  How To Study  |  Most Likely To

I’m Scared

Okay, I’ve been putting this post off for a while now, always afraid of the backlash it would have. But now this whole thing has reached breaking point and I’m writing about it. Being transgender in this current day and age is scary. Let’s just start with that.

Everywhere I look at the moment I am bombarded with this whole scary reality. The reality that my identity is slowly being erased. I log into Instagram and am hit with the latest news about Trump’s policy on transgender rights. And every time I see it, I break down crying because it is too scary. I live on the other side of the world. I have no real reason to be scared. But I am. Because America is the country leading the world. And America is the trendsetter, anything America does, the rest of the world follows in it’s footsteps. America begins something and in weeks it’s around the whole world. This one policy, it impacts us all. Everywhere. And that is what scares me.

It scares me that the world is trying to erase me from existence. There was an incident in class the other day when someone wrote a story and used they/them pronouns and was told that they had to change them to get the highest grade. That the usage of those pronouns was the only thing that had taken their mark down. Our English teacher told them this. The same English teacher who heard me give a second speech in which I said that my gender changed but I used they/them pronouns for ease. I felt so erased in that class. I felt like I wasn’t real. I felt as though the world didn’t accept me for who I am. The world doesn’t accept me for who I am. And that is what scares me.

It scares me that my own community often doesn’t believe in any genders other than male, female and nonbinary. That my community does not believe in agender or genderfluid. The community that I have always looked to for support. It now is not supporting me for who I am. The community I have always felt at home in now does not accept me for who I am. And that is what scares me.

I came out without really saying anything in class the other day and my class is the only bunch of people who really accept me. They’re the only people who give me a hug when I need one, who ask me what pronouns I’m using, who make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. My class has been trying to rename me jokingly and it makes me so happy to know that I’m accepted by some people.

But then I get out of school and am shocked back into reality when I open Instagram and see that yet another transgender woman has been shot dead. That another policy has been passed allowing schools to expel students for being gay (congrats Australia. well done). When I see this I can do nothing but cry. Because I am being forced out of the world. My identity is being seen by everyone around me in the online world as fake. It’s being seen as a cry for attention. And that’s not it. And that is what scares me.

I didn’t think there were any tears left. But I was wrong. When I opened Instagram after just an hour, two hours off it and saw when I opened the first story that yet another woman had died, I cried. Again. And I cried for another full hour. Because so much is going on. And it hurts me. It hurts my community. But I don’t want to be a part of that community anymore. Because that’s hurting me too. They/them/their pronouns are not seen as valid by our world. Not having a gender is not seen as valid by our world. And that is what scares me.

The fact that I can sit in my bedroom for hours and not know what I can do scares me. The fact that I can see the pain on my friends faces when I look at them, when there are three of us crying because we’re being erased and there’s nothing we can to scares me. The fact that I can open my YouTube and be hit with this transgender stuff scares me. The fact that I can no longer use my social media platforms, this, my Instagram, YouTube, any other platforms I’m on scares me.

I want to curl up into a ball and let everything go. I want to let go of the pain I feel because of what the world is trying to do to me. I want to stop feeling what I am now. I want all this stuff about being transgender not being real to stop. I want to stop looking at Instagram and seeing people call transgender a mental illness. Because it’s not. And that statement hurts. It hurts so much. I want to stop having to force myself to come out of the library and go talk to people at breaks. I want to stop feeling so sick I can’t eat. I want to stop crying so, so much. But currently, I can’t.

Wow, I’m crying and so that’s all I’m going to say for now.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

How To Study  |  Most Likely To  |  Talking To My Younger Self

How To Study | Tips from the Best Procrastinator

I am probably the world’s best procrastinator. Honestly.

But we’ve got exams coming up and I kinda wanna do well, y’know?! So I’m studying. And it’s hard. And boring. But here is a big long list of how I study. Lettuce begin.

First of all, the most important thing I think, is to have a clean work space. Make sure you have a clear desk with only the things you need on it, a good light source, clear air the floor around the desk is clear to. Honestly, it is super important to make sure you have a good place to work. It will really motivate you to keep going and there won’t be too many distractions. Along with this too, make sure you have a good place to work. Your bed is super comfortable and really nice to lie in, but you’re more likely to get distracted or fall asleep and it will not be that good for you. So definitely study at a desk and if you’re cold, wear more clothes or get a blanket to wrap around your shoulders.

Know what you’re doing and estimate how long it will take you. This is actually really helpful, if you know exactly what you’re going to be doing, you won’t get confused or stuck and will be able to do just that. And estimating how long it will take is also really good because it means you know how long you will be working for which gives you the ability to schedule breaks.

Breaks are super important. I’ve learnt the hard way that your brain does not work nearly as well when you’re studying for 3 hours straight. Which is why they give you breaks between classes in school and the classes aren’t super long. But I suggest that every half hour you have a five or ten minute break and just go do something random. Draw or go pat an animal, watch a random YouTube video or go play an instrument. It all works and you just need to find what’s best for you.

Okay, next. Food and drink. Please make sure that you have at least a drink with you. I’d suggest something healthy like fruit, vegetables, water or crackers. But cookies work too! Just make sure you have something to keep you going. And it just gives you some motivation to keep going. Frozen blackberries, bananas, grapes and carrots are great and water with ice and lemon. Just me though, I like frozen food.

Organise things. Big thing. I organise my notes by subject in different folders and then organise the subtopics in colours and pockets in the folders. I head all the topics with different colours and then put them all in a folder so I know where they are. And when they’re online (google docs is great) I organise them the same way. By subject in coloured folders with subfolders and colours in those. It’s really good. And it just means everything is there for me when I need it.

Highlighting is your best friend too. I write out full sentences in bullet points and then highlight the key words or ideas in those paragraphs so I know what I need when I glance over the page. I use yellow highlighter to deal with the key words in the statements and pink for the very important things and the full sentence things that I really need to know. It’s really helpful and just means I can look at it and know what I need to know.

Music or sound. I usually listen to either Sleeping at Last music or podcasts, usually the Brizzy Voices and Tessa Netting one. It’s really useful and just keeps my head away from all the distractions. I’ve also listened to the entire Shane Dawson thing on the Paul brothers. The sound just keeps me from the outside distractions and means I know what I’m doing.

KEEPING APPS OUT. Instagram is not useful. I have an app on my phone called Forest which is actually really helpful, you grow a tree and can’t leave the app until the tree is fully grown. You set yourself time limits and you grow the tree over that period of time. It bans you from all apps and it’s really good. If you have Instagram or other distracting apps on you computer, I would really recommend unpinning them from the taskbar and getting a website blocker. Both really help with concentration.

Don’t study for hours every day. Split it over several days and START EARLY. It’s really helpful and you do not want to get stuck in the last week with six subjects worth of revision to work on. It’s awful. But don’t study for hours every day either. Don’t let yourself study for over eight hours a day, it that.

Keep your self-care in touch. Make sure you’re still eating, talking to friends, keeping your routines, sleeping and exercising. Plan time for yourself to go for a run or do a workout and make sure you’re sleeping and eating well. You do not want to let all that go to waste. It is a right pain when that doesn’t happen.

And finally, start studying in class and do your homework. For so the first three weeks of the year, I studied, took notes and did my homework. After that, everything stopped. And it’s only been in the past three weeks that I’ve started up again. If you have the ability to take your laptop into class to take notes on that, do so. And ask questions in class and find out all the information you will need. It makes everything easier at the revision point. And start early. Start learning early. Don’t start doing it when you have big exams coming up. Start as soon as possible, year 9 in my case because I don’t want to get to NCEAs and not be able to study well. It just won’t work.

Wow, so that is how I would recommend studying. If you have any other tips, please comment them!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Most Likely To  |  Talking To My Younger Self  |  I Have Problems

Most Likely To | Character Introductions + Writing

I was meant to post a morning routine yesterday, but stuff happened. So that’ll happen next Wednesday. (let’s say shit was messing with me. oops)

So this is a tag in which I state which one of my characters is the most likely to do whatever thing it is. From my WIP this is. So this is another writing introduction post. Yay. There were 1017 questions on the website I looked at so I’m not doing all of them. Which is great.

Most likely to abandon their room because of spiders?

Lilia the protagonist. She’s very afraid of spiders and would persuade her sister to swap rooms with her because it was full of spiders. I would too.

Most likely to act on a crush?

Melanie. Lilia’s girlfriend/best friend who acted on her crush on Lilia. So that is what would happen anyway, and I know this because it has. So that’s the end.

Most likely to annoy someone on purpose?

Eleanor, Lilia’s little sister. She’s 11 for the majority of the story and is very sweet but lives to annoy people, her sister, brother and everyone else.

Most likely to attend a concert or music festival?

Nya, a friend? I guess? Nya is 100% my favourite character in this whole story, a 16-year-old agender child who is super sweet and is always there for the other characters when they need them to be there. I just love them.

Most likely to be a drama queen?

Eeep, Lilia again. THe most dramatic person out there.

Most likely to get hit by a bike?

The lovely Noah. He’s just another friend, but also Nya’s twin brother and James’ (Lilia’s older brothers) best friend. He’s the sort of person who would just be joking about and would end up getting hit by a bike because he’s a bit of a joke-ster.

Most likely to jump off a cliff?

Haha, funny story. Lilia jumped off a bridge. So that’s fun. So yeah, Lilia would be most likely to do this. Unfortunately.

Most likely to marry a closet gay person?

Jack. Lilia’s elder brother is so incredibly naive and it just seems like something he would do. Sorry Jack!!!

Who is most likely to be in a choir?

Nya. My lovely child would be in a choir. I can just feel it.

Who is most likely to be the best at math?

Ella, Lils’ old best friend. I accidently based her 90% off my best friend last year and have had to change her in some ways. So she likes maths and is good at it. So definitely her.

Who is most likely to do weird things in public?

Any of them TBH, but probably Eleanor. I feel like she would do some weird shit in public, it just seems like her!

Who is most likely to have never been in love?

Noah. Noah Noah Noah. He would not fall in love I get the feeling. So him.

Who is most likely to be a supermodel?

Melanie once again. I feel like she would be an absolute supermodel. I think I portrayed her as beautiful and she was always tall and thin which was one of the things that Lilia envied about her.

Who is most likely to read every book in a school library?

Have to say Noah again. He’s your total nerd and I love him so much. It’s so totally what he would do. Every single book in the library would be read by him. I just know it.

So now that is the end. The whole lovely end. If you have any other ways of introducing my characters send ’em in!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Talking To My Younger Self  |  I Have Problems  |  Hi I’m Back

Talking to My Younger Self

Wow, this is new. But I’m revealing myself even more than usual. So let us do it. And this is me, younger:

IMG_2015
wow i was cute

Dear Young Emily,

Sweetie, where to start? This whole thing is new to me, but I think that it’s important to say. So I’ll just get right into it.

You probably wouldn’t recognise me now, dark haired and tall. But I promise you, I am you. I am what you will turn into.

Ems, life is going to get bad. Life is not going to be perfect. Life is not going to be amazing. It will get awful and hurt and will be painful and you will not be happy the whole tie. But it will get better. Don’t lie to the doctors, don’t lie to the therapists. You can manipulate them into thinking that you are fine, but they are there to help you. If you leave it and let them believe that you, faking, are fine, everything will just get worse. If you lie to them about the anxiety then they will believe you because they don’t have a reason not to. But when you do that, the anxiety just increases. And when you lie to them about the amounts you eat, then they think you have something wrong with you, something causing you to lose the amounts of weight you are, as fast as you are. And that’s not good. Don’t hurt yourself, don’t bash your head on trees just to see if you can get it to bleed and then lie about what happened. It’s manipulative and you’re good at that, good at lying, manipulating people, but it’s not good.

Don’t go pushing yourself too much. Don’t go around with the mindset that you have to win. You want to win, winning is great, but you can’t always win everything. There are wins and losses in life. Both are good. Just remember that, you can lose. Winning is not worth losing your hearing for. Winning is not worth the numbers of doctors appointments and blood tests and fake tears shed, real tears shed, winning is not worth the pain of losing your hearing. It’s great, but not that important.

Em, don’t be afraid to come out as who you are. Don’t be afraid to say that you have a crush on a girl. Don’t be afraid to talk about the fact that sometimes you’re a boy. It’s easier for everyone if you cover it earlier. Your parents will support you. They will listen and they will try to understand even if it is hard for them. They will try to make things easier for you. That’s what they’re there for and even if it is hard, don’t worry about what they will think. Don’t panic and cry for hours when you tell them. It’s not worth it. In reality they will always love you for who you are.

Don’t mix with the toxic people, don’t feel that in order to be liked you have to be popular and hang out with people you don’t like. You don’t have to do that. People will like you for you, not who you hang with. And if the people you mix with become toxic, let them go. There will always be someone else there. And it may seem hard, but someone will be able to pick you up from where you are, fallen on the ground. It’s okay to fluctuate between friends and friend groups. It’s okay to slowly drift away from people. It’s okay to get bored of people and not know how to tell them so. It’s okay to want to be alone and away from all people for a while. But it’s not okay to be like that for weeks. There are people who you can talk to. Even if it is hard.

Please don’t hate the way you look. You are perfect as who you are. You look in the mirror way too much. Stop. It’s not worth it. Believe everyone and what they tell you. Believe that you are pretty, are skinny. Because you are. Even if the dysmorphia tells you you aren’t. But in saying that, don’t become addicted to the foods you so love. Don’t fade away from the healthy food you get fed at a young age, keep eating that, it’s good for you and will stop the lead-up of so many body image issues.

Stop worrying so much about what other people think about you. Stop thinking that you have to be a fakery, yet another mask, because people just want to see the real you. I promise you. Embrace who you are as an individual.

Remember that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get angry. And it’s also okay to ask for help. But it’s okay not to cry too. It’s okay to grieve by locking yourself away, as long as you come out and don’t let the grief change who you are as a person. There will be unimaginable losses and they will cut you down, but you need to be able to get through them and not change who you are because of them, it’s not fair on those who you lose.

Appreciate the time you have with you family. All of it. It won’t all last forever. It won’t always be the same. People will change, become tougher, harsher and some will leave you. Don’t assume that people will always be there, because they won’t be. It’s the same with friends. They won’t always be there for you, they’ll leave you or you’ll leave them or other things will get in the way and you’ll drift apart. So appreciate the times you do have with them, the moments you spend together. They’re important. And don’t be afraid to ask them things, to get their help, that’s what they’re there for, to support you.

Life is not a straight line. Life is full of twists and turns and it’s okay to stray from the well-worn path that everyone else is trampling. It’s okay to express yourself and the failures you do have, shouldn’t lead you into years of regret. They should grow you as a a person. That’s what they’re there for. To help you, to guide you. You need to find the one big thing that causes you happiness. It’s the most important thing, but don’t go running around madly trying to find it, sometimes you just have to sit quietly and let it come to you, it always will.

Don’t hurry to grow up. Stay a child for as young as possible, let yourself grow up slowly. There’s stress involved in growing up and becoming older and everyday you need to take life slowly and let it go at it’s own life.

Now, onto some less serious things. Don’t stop playing the piano. Don’t let yourself be bullied into doing things. Take notes in your classes. Don’t spend too much time on your devices. Don’t get into arguments with teachers. Don’t spread rumors. Don’t let people boss you around. Allow yourself to open up. Don’t stay so quiet. Become the leader you are. Don’t bite your sister. Don’t lie so much. Smile more. Let your emotions out. allow yourself days of rest. Organise yourself. Let your thoughts be free. Don’t come up with eccentric goals. Don’t stop writing. Learn to take criticism. Learn to receive compliments. Give love freely. Don’t be afraid of the results of things. Don’t cut. Don’t let your emotions rule your life. Don’t procrastinate everything. Learn to laugh easily. Don’t push yourself so hard. Listen to those older than you. Keep good secrets. Tell bad secrets. Love those around you. Learn to accept touch. Let people talk to you. Talk about your feelings. It’s okay not be be okay. It’s fine not to be normal. Have deep conversations. Have friends who can make you laugh. Make friends who you can just talk to. Have a shoulder to cry on. Don’t decide on what you want to do early. Let yourself dream. Allow your dreams to change. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on others. Live freely. Live in the moment. Let yourself just be you. Have fun. Take risks. Live without regrets. Let people know you are there. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to be confident. Be weird. Be happy with who you are. Wash your sheets regularly. Wash your clothes regularly. Keep your room tidy. Don’t forget to do any assigned exercises. Exercise regularly. Keep a diary. Remember birthdays. Get people gifts for the sake of it. Put yourself first. Keep an eye on your mental health. Check over yourself daily. Live a little. Try something new every week. Do wild things. Don;t be afraid to explore yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t be afraid of life.

You are perfect as you are now.

Love,

An Older Emily

xo

Anyway, that’s the end of that! It’s a really good way of bringing yourself back down and I would highly recommend writing yourself a letter as a stress reliever!

see you in the next post!

emily xo

I Have Problems  |  Hi I’m Back  |  How To Cut Your Hair At Home 

I have problems | Writing worries, issues and some thoughts on it

So as you may (or may not) know, I am in the process of writing something currently, a novel (click anywhere here for more details) and it’s hard! Who’d have thought?! But really, it is. So here is me, compiling a long list of issues I have with my writing!

  • keeping characters consistent

The first big problem. Keeping my characters consistent. I’ve just read a book where the characters were contradicting themselves every now and then and one moment one was fat and the next he was thin and it was super confusing. But I understand just how complicated it is to keep them consistent, especially when you can’t just sit down for 20 days and write in one big chunk…(i wish!!!)

  • not writing it too gay

I’m all for diverse books, but when I first drafted out my characters I had: a closeted lesbian MC, a pansexual love interest, a bi brother, a non-binary friend and their gay boyfriend and a lesbian therapist. I also had an LGBTQ+ group and a pride festival. It was just too gay, and I really felt like I was making myself into one of those “I’m going to shove the gay down your throat” people who are really awful and annoying. It’s been cut right down now (lesbian MC, pan love interest and nb friend).

  • keeping it real

Oh gosh, where to start with this. So when you’re writing a good story you kind of want it to be mildly realistic. For me, my biggest issue is that how I feel about myself, I am normal, but in the eyes of others my life (depression, anxiety, anorexia, social anxiety, genderfluid/non-binary, queer, maths intellect/lover) is not normal or real. So writing like that does not seem to be real.

  • OUTLINES

Nothing else to say here. Outlines are horrible.

  • there’s never enough time to write when there are ideas

2am with no devices is exactly when you have some really good ideas. It’s a pain.

  • word limits (both exceeding them and not reaching them)

Urgh, either you go over your word limit by hundreds of words or you don’t reach them by the same number. It’s horribly annoying.

  • having the end and the start down, but not the rest

Oh, my start’s down, my end’s done and a bit of the middle is done.  And I have a few letters and definitions done, but the rest of it’s a huge pain to get done. I have the ideas, but it all involves a lot of dialogue and I hate dialogue.

  • not modelling the MC off me too much (oops…)

Ooops, I had, for a while, completely modelled my character off myself. Let’s think about this, a 14-year-old, cisgender, closeted gay girl dealing with anxiety, social anxiety, depression and anorexia. Wow, this was me. Now there are some more differences between me and Lilia.

  • the issue that there’s a very strong platonic or slight romantic relationship…and I haven’t been in one of those before…

I’ve never had a strong relationship of any sort so that’s an issue. I’m not quite sure how to write that yet…maybe I should persuade myself into a crush and then date someone… (jokes, I’m not doing that!!!)

  • the small issue of not triggering anyone (including myself…)

Yeah, it’s a book of suicide letters and cutting and a suicide of a young girl. And usually I write the bad scenes when I’m feeling bad and therefore end up triggering myself. It’s a subject that needs to be talked about, but the people who do read this type of story are often the depressed people so it’s not that good!

So those are my issues, now I’ll give you a couple of quick snippets to enjoy!!!

I am watching myself go mad from the inside. It’s like I’m in a cloud above my head, watching myself in a film almost. I am watching myself go mad. And that is frightening. And I can’t stop it.

 

So that is why I am choosing this path. That is why I am choosing to leave. Choosing to stop my train on its tracks.

 

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You would not understand just how sorry I am. But what must be done must be done. That is the cold, hard truth. This must be done, so it will be.

 

It…it wasn’t an easy decision, but I made it. To whomever opens and reads this, please understand that I did not make this decision lightly. It took me months to decide, but I have reached tipping point and I have made that decision.

 

Everyone says that they know what depression feels like. They always say they know what it feels like to have an anxiety attack. To not want to go on living because you feel worthless. But they are wrong. They are so wrong. They don’t know what depression feels like. What an anxiety attack at 3AM feels like. What wanting to kill yourself and erase your memory from the world feels like. Not being able to eat for the stress and anxiety that comes with having the food in your mouth. No one knows what having to find a laxative every time you eat something more than you had planned, or with a higher calorie count feels like. Unless they have been there before. Unless they are there. Unless they have been there before, no one will ever understand that. It is not possible.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

Hi I’m Back  |  How To Cut Your Hair At Home  |  Me a Sleepin’

Hi I’m Back | Why I Took a Break + Thoughts on It

Hi I’m back.

So I took a break from…everything I guess. I took a break from blogging, Instagramming (is that a word?!) and generally from life. And it was…nice? I think? I took a break to try to improve my mental state because I was overly stressed and completely worn out and just needed a break. So I took one. If you follow either of my Instagrams (emil.theislandofme or _.your.royal,highness._) you will know that I announced that I would be taking a break for a week or so to work on my mental state. Depending on which account you follow, I ‘returned’ either today or yesterday. But if you just follow here, I’m back today! Yay!

Okay, so I took a break for a week just to try to get everything back under control. My mental state, physical state and thoughts. And it failed. Miserably. You see, I really missed blogging and interacting with people over the internet and stuff like that. It’s the school holidays here (last day tomorrow) and, in all honesty, it was very isolated. As you may know, I live in the middle of absolutely no where and go to school over an hour away. My friends all live in town where we go to school, and the majority of my friends from last year don’t talk to me (yes, there are the two amazing people who talk to me still and you’re great). So my only means of communication where the internet for two weeks. And it was lonely. And boring and I did not enjoy it one bit.

Before I took this break for a week or so, my mental state had been all over the place. I had been having panic attacks every couple of days and I’d been ignoring absolutely everyone and running myself out. Not fun. So I thought that a break would do me some good. Boy was I wrong! Here’s a quick recap of my week:

Sooooo last Sunday I was home alone, my demons got into my head big time, I had a panic attack, messed up the house and had a huge breakdown when my parents got home which resulted in me crying for 2 hours and ignoring everyone. Fuuuunnnn. Monday I got up super late and did nothing, got triggered by something and spent almost an hour calming myself down from (yet another) panic attack. Oh, and I wrote the final part of my WIP which made me incredibly emotional and cry a lot. Tuesday I got up late again, ran and then proceeded to sit outside writing for ages in the sun. I ended up crying and drawing depressing pictures whilst listening to depressing music and attempting to calm myself down (not: this took a long time). Wednesday I went into town, walked around for a while, got home and had an awful evening in which I had another panic attack for no reason at 11pm. Thursday I lay in bed for ages before talking to a friend who I had barely ever talked to about life and stuff and somehow triggering myself and crying for hours. Other stuff went on and I cried for a very, very long time. Friday. Haha, Friday was a lot of fun. I woke up about 7 and then had a waking dream (IDK what you call them) where I was awake, but paralyzed lying in bed. I ended up dying in the dream and I felt it all. I was kinda freaked out for the entire day and had no clue what I was doing, kind of walking around in a trance because I had felt myself die (lots of fun. If you know any reasons for this please comment belowwwww) . At about 8pm the realisation hit and I had another panic attack which took hours and hours and hours (we’re talking 4 hours) to calm down enough to allow me to sleep. And I ended up in fits of tears again. It was great. (i have amazing friends who i love so much and who mean so much to me who helped to calm me down)

Okay, so that my my break week. It did not go as I had planned it to so that was great. My skin did not fare well, the acne that I was just beginning to deal with blew up again and it made me feel awful, my hair has not been brushed or dealt with in over 4 days and I spent the entirety of yesterday wearing my pyjamas. Unfortunately my mental state was awful and this ended up translating to my physical appearance. Now that I’m back I hope to get everything back under control again. Fingers crossed.

Now I am going to begin to deal with everything once again. I’m going to restart and sort everything out. I have plans to get a notebook and use it as a bullet journal type thing until I manage to get a hold of a real one sometime soon. Hopefully that will sort some things out. I’m going to get a hold of some things to organise my bedroom so I can inhabit it and I’m going to begin stretching and running again because both those things help my mental and physical state.

This is the beginning of something new and I know I have said this many, many times before but it’s time to stop putting it off until tomorrow and getting everything together. So I’m going to. Starting tomorrow everything is going to get better. Stay tuned to my instagram (@emily.theislandofme) for updates and stuff. It’s time to get everything together and start enjoying the life I have. Life is too short to dwell on the bad things and regret everything I do.

see you in the next post!

emily xo

How To Cut Your Hair At Home Me a Sleepin’  |  An Entirely Uppercase Rant

How to Cut Your Hair At Home | Please Don’t Try This + My Mild Failure???

I cut my hair the other day.

I had a sudden urge to cut my ponytail off and so I did so. It wasn’t the best idea. But it saved me $30. So this is how I did it. Enjoy!!!

Rainbow-feather-2

Step 1:

get a sudden urge to cut your ponytail off whilst sitting on your desk, procrastinating tidying your bedroom reading amazing Fierrochase fanfiction, talking to friends over Instagram, listening to Hamilton on full volume and drawing Teddy Lupin when you feel absolutely rubbish and dysphoric.

Step 2:

decide that you are going to cut your ponytail off so go and find a pair of scissors, a mirror (urgh, dysphoria) and tie your hair up into a low ponytail. then pull the ponytail out and put the hair into two very low pigtails and get ready to cut your hair all off.

Step 3:

pick up the scissors and go SNIP straight through the pigtail on the left side of your face right up next to the hairtie and watch all your lovely hair all off and land on the carpet in clumps. proceed to do the same thing with the other pigtail and look at all the hair on the floor.

Step 4:

stare at all the hair on the floor for a while and then start screaming because you actually did it (scream quietly so no one thinks you’re going to die) and pull the hairties out to look at your new hairstyle.

Step 5:

actually notice that the hair does not look even and really needs some sorting out so trim it a little bit more and watch more hair fall everywhere and get up your nose and make you sneeze.

Step 6:

give up and go back to sitting in your pit of misery until you decide to go and show people.

Step 7:

show people your new hairstyle and get told off for cutting your hair on your carpet. proceed to have to vacuum your floor to remove all the hair. but do all this whilst flipping your hair and quoting Aaron Burr, Sir (majorly the: ‘oui, oui, mon amie je m’appelle Lafayette’ line because it’s great).

Step 8:

post on your Instagram story the fact that you have just failed at cutting your hair and don’t regret it.

Step 9:

two days later, persuade your mother to even the ends of your hair out so it looks good. wash it, spray it with lightening spray and lemon juice to make it brighter before summer and enjoy your new look!

Rainbow-feather-2

Now, I did this and this is what happened (the room is still not tidy lol). The following is a picture of the before and after, it looks averagely okay and I actually really like it. But still please don’t try this if you are not prepared for the consequences.

So yes. That happened and I thought that it would be some fun to tell y’all about.

The end. Love you lots. Goodbye!

Love Always, Emily