A BIG Blogging Update | MUST READ!

The times are achanging and with them I am too.

Around this little corner of the internet there are going to be some changes. Recently I’ve found that the topics I have been blogging about (mostly mental health and LGBTQ stuff) has had me fresh out of ideas and in all, it’s not entirely what I wanted to start blogging about. Unfortunately, I’ve just gone through my followers and checked all you guys out and found that 7/10 of the amazing people who follow me are adults who also blog about the same kind of thing as me. So, this leads to the question, what should I do with the blog?

Well, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m going to ramp up the blog I began about 3 months ago under a different name and then stopped dealing with it. But I’m going to deal with it as an anonymous blogger where I blog with she/her pronouns (yes, I know it will be a struggle, but my parents don’t get pronouns right, nor do my teachers, so it’ll be just like daily life) and the name Lottie. I’ll turn that blog into a lifestyle blog (although according to it, it already is, lol) where I will blog about (quoting it now) ‘photos, food, fashion and music’, meaning that that blog will be filled with innocent, lovely things that will make everyone smile when they see it and want to read it. The blog will become a place for the other lovely, bright and pink lifestyle bloggers of the internet to go see and Lottie will join the community of those bloggers. (these few blogs are a perfect example of those sort of things: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, although, please do note that I love all these blogs and do not mean to say anything against them, rather just make a point about lifestyle blogs. I know this is very stereotypical of me and I am sorry to anyone I offend with this statement) So I am going to attempt to begin a fresh blogging career in that same sort of way. It should be an awful lot of fun because recently I have been wanting to do that but not wanting to post it on here, this lovely, serous blog that has 330 devoted followers who mean the ABSOLUTE WORLD TO ME.

So not you’re asking, BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS BLOG? and probably panicking because you love it so much and do not want me to change much (jk, you really probably aren’t, but if you are leave a comment and I will love you for eternity). Here goes your long and drawn out answer for that question. This blog is not going to change much. However, that does not mean that it is not going to change at all. That, in fact, IT IS! This lil’ bloggie is going to become the blog I post about reading, writing and issues I have alongside the mental health and LGBTQ side of it I already am. So it’s not going to be become a whole new blog, just going to have some other things linked into it for added interest and to take some of the stress off me when it comes to finding topics to actually blog about. But I also get stressed when I don’t blog, so this is a way that I can please myself and hopefully ease some of my anxiety. I want to start doing monthly updates on my life (so things like mental health, food and sleeping, along with how I am allround and how my writing and reading has gone) just to kind of keep track of how my life is going as I attempt to get out of the hole that is mental health. It will also add a bit of a break to you guys when you’re stuck reading about mental health or LGBTQ every two or three days when I post! I don’t think I’ll have a specific schedule, rather just posting when I feel like it.

Rereading all that I do not believe it made much sense, but if it did to you, that’s spontaneouslet and I love it all.

So y’all, that is all fr this wonderful little blog update. I will not be changing much and I really hope that you do not either. Love you all more than words can say!!!

the explosion in the title image is your brain upon reading this whole entire long post of all 750 words making it very short for this author who often writes posts of over 2k words rather than working on their story like they ought to be

Love Always, Emily

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My Spring Goals

  1. get my mental health back under control
  2. get on top of schoolwork
  3. + study for exams (eek, I’m super scared!)
  4. start eating better + beginning to deal with my ED
  5. practise self-care
  6. begin sorting out my acne
  7. walk through cheery blossoms with friends
  8. have a spring photoshoot
  9. blog more frequently
  10. read 30 books
  11. start running again
  12. work on core strength
  13. find new music + make a spring playlist
  14. grow some baby plants
  15. start a journal
  16. get my life under control
  17. cut my hair (really short, again)
  18. clear out wardrobe
  19. + find a new ‘spring’ style
  20. find new room decor
  21. + redecorate
  22. start saving money
  23. pick some flowers to keep in my room
  24. by a real succulent (i’ll introduce charlie and amy sometime soon)
  25. go on a picnic in the evening
  26. take more photos
  27. make lemonade
  28. climb some trees!
  29. fly a kite
  30. find a four-leaf clover
  31. write a spring-based story
  32. do a collab with someone from the other hemisphere (contact meeeee)
  33. find things that make me happy
  34. + do them
  35. find a new hobby
  36. create more springish art
  37. face a fear
  38. watch the sunrise
  39. make a photo wall
  40. sleep more
  41. treat myself
  42. have fun
  43. spread love
  44. be happy
  45. have no regrets
  46. do something completely wild
  47. become more confident
  48. worry less
  49. let go of the past
  50. smile more
  51. laugh

Love Always, Emily

 

Gender

ALL MY SCHEDULED POSTS DIDN’T POST AND DELETED.

So, I’m sorry for the lack of posting. Very sorry. But I’m back and am not going to be scheduling posts in the near future.

And also, credits to the artist for the amazing piece making up my header, thanks so much, I love it!

QUICK DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL MY OPINION. THIS POST IS A POST ABOUT A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS REGARDING GENDER. THEY ARE ALL WHAT I THINK ABOUT GENDER, AS A GENDERQUEER/AGENDER TEENAGER.

Onto the real post.

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Biologically, I am a girl. Currently, in the ways in which I present, I often come across as a girl. I attend a school in which all my peers are biological girls. But I am not a girl. The term ‘girl’ does not feel right, but in the same way that the term ‘boy’ does not feel right. Sometimes I feel very feminine, others very masculine, but most of the time, I feel neither. I feel ‘no-gender’, or agender.

From a young age, I wore ‘girly’ things, I wore dresses, played with dolls, and had a pink room, I was your stereotypical girl. This all changed when I was about 8. When I was about 8, I stopped feeling and acting as girlish as I had once upon a time. I didn’t feel at that stage, female. I knew that I was a girl, but I didn’t think that I really was. Well, at that age I didn’t really know, at that age I just stopped wearing dresses and started dressing more ‘boyish’. Here, in the country, that is almost considered normal though, girls do not often dress girlishly for ease.

It was only last year, midway through the year, when I started to question who I was, gender-wise. It spurred mainly from a conversation that went on in which everyone seemed mildly disgruntled about gender and not having a specific gender. Thinking back on it, it’s sort of funny to think about the things I listened to the others talk about. The small things that I now know to be incredibly false, like taking a one-off dose of testosterone and just letting it be like that. It was then I began to realise then that I didn’t have to be either female or male. I could just be. But I didn’t know anything about it, and so I just kept it inside, it became another secret for my mental illnesses to feed off.

It wasn’t until this year that I really realised what I could be. That I realised that I didn’t have to identify as male or female, and that that was okay, and would be accepted. When I found myself with nonbinary (NB), or gender non-conforming (GNC) friends, that I realised that it would be alright, that I really wasn’t messed up. But I still kept all the feelings bottled up. Until the end of last term (around July) when I really just broke-down. I didn’t know what to do with myself and blurted a year and a half worth of gender issues to a (cis, pan) friend. During July my life toppled and I broke. But that’s another story.

So I splurted all these bottled emotions to this friend and just broke down. I couldn’t deal with the pain of them all and I trusted her. As a bit of an attempt to sort my breakdown out, she began to use they/them pronouns when referring to me, and it was just super fitting. To give y’all your happy ending, I’m slightly happier now, using they/them pronouns.

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Now, a bit more of a topic up for consideration, which is what this post is for. I really want you all to get involved and give your opinions. Gender and gender identity.

I want you to try, just for a couple of minutes, to describe someone, to talk about them, not gendering them, not using any pronouns. It should end up looking something like the following:

‘Emily is a 14-year old who blogs about life. Emily is also an artist who has an Instagram account that began as a blog account and still is, but has evolved into mainly an art account. Emily also like writing and is in the middle of writing a book.’

Or:

‘Emily is a 14-year-old person who loves writing and art. Emily loves stories and books and blogging. [I really want to say ‘they’ here] Emily is a reasonably smart person who runs this blog and goes to school.’

It’s really hard. Using pronouns to describe someone is ingrained in who we are. My mother found this out when so told a friend (in an attempt to help me) told her about my gender issues. When she found this out, she said to this friend that it was okay because she very rarely used pronouns. But the thing is, that she does, she just doesn’t notice them. It’s not until you really begin to think about pronouns, that you really begin to notice how often you really do use them.

Another little thing for you to think about for a minute, why does it matter to you whether I am a girl or a boy? For most of you, it doesn’t, because you a) don’t know me in real life and therefore talk to me and b) don’t talk about me. But what about for others, why does it matter to you whether someone identifies as a girl or a boy? Really, it doesn’t, but we all seem to need to know. The first question you ALWAYS ask when someone announces that they’re having a baby is, ding, you guessed it! ‘is it a girl or a boy?!’, this often seems to be so people can buy said baby clothing in the colour of it’s gender (pink for a girl blue for a boy). But those people you see walking down the street, with a gender you just cannot place, you need to know their gender. But for no real reason, it’s not like you’re going to go and talk to your friends about them. You just really need to know their gender. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do, we all do it, I’m guilty of it, every single person on this little old planet we call home, has done this in their lifetime, and if they haven’t, then wow, just wow.

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Another couple of things quickly, bathrooms and naming. Now, the bathrooms issue is a very small issue to me. I go to an all female school and so we only have one bathroom, if I want to use the bathroom, I go this this bathroom without a gender. This bathroom has not gender sign on the door, rather just the word ‘Bathroom’. In public, the majority of the public bathrooms around here are gender-neutral, often because there is just one. Recently, one of the places around has just changed one male and one female bathroom into gender-neutral rooms, where everyone can go. If possible, I choose to use these. BUT I do understand the big bathroom issue. It’s such a pain that we need to label people by their genitalia, make them use restrooms based on their genitalia, rather than the gender they identify as. It is a real pain.

And the naming. Even though I am out as NB (umbrella term) to my family, I still get misgendered, and that’s understandable. Yes it’s annoying, yes, it’s upsetting, and yes, it doe cause some dysphoria, but I know that it’s hard for them. And often they will correct themselves or call each other out on it. But they also make fun of it. And I sort of understand that, but I don’t really. They make fun of the fact that if I become a part of the police force, I will be a ‘policethey’ rather than a policewoman, or a police man. Yes, it’s very annoying, but often when I call them out on it, I get the common response of ‘it’s hard, we need to have a bit of fun with it. Don’t tell us off about it, we are trying.’, which I can deal with now. Sort of. Now I just stay quiet and quietly wait for them to call themselves out on it when they suddenly remember that they’re not using the correct pronouns With time, it will get better. But another thing I have quickl noticed and will briefly touch on before I end this and go to bed, is the names that females get called, regardless of gender identity that people tend not to call boys. The ‘sweetheart’, and ‘darling’ type things. The things that people would never in their wildest dreams, call a boy. Not boy would ever get called ‘darling’ unless his mother was trying to embarrass him. But yet we do it to girls and Assigned Females at Birth (AFaB’s), which is a bit annoying. But I guess it’ll take some time and all sort itself out.

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Okay, this is my rant over. Please do get involved, leave your opinion in the comments, they’re all welcome and I will respond to hate as I do in every post if it is left.

Love Always, Emily

The 100 Truths Tag | A Post In Which I Share Far Too Much About Myself and Cover Very Controversial Issues For 300 Followers!

I’m ready to reveal myself online! More than I ALREADY HAVE!!! This’ll be very awkward.

So, for 300 followers (we have over 320 now!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!) I’m going to completely reveal myself in this 100 Truths Tag that I have seen several times. Most recently on May’s blog. So, thanks May for this, it was great to read about your life and I’m now gonna do the same!

Before I begin, I would like to add a disclaimer in here because some of these thing could be controversial. This is all my opinion. I do not want anyone to get offended or upset. Everything I write in these next few questions is all what I think and I totally get that several people have different beliefs, I’m more than happy with that.

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BASICS:

1. what’s your name?

Emily. It’s my real name 100%, I haven’t changed it for here.

2. any nicknames or aliases?

Nothing much, sometimes Em.

3. your gender?

Genderqueer/agender. I don’t really know what I am but I consider myself agender or questioning. I use they/them pronouns.

4. your star sign?

Cancer. I should be a Gemini though, given all the tests out there that I’ve taken.

5. how old are you?

14. I’m a young human. AND I’M PROUD OF IT. I have had a lot of people tell me I come across a lot older than that, but I am 14. Really.

6. your relationship status?

Contrary to popular belief, I’m single. I almost had a girlfriend but no such luck #demiromantic issues.

7. any children?

I’M 14, ACE AND SINGLE. NO. I ALSO DO NOT WISH TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE FUTURE.

8. any pets?

Too many to count, but the rabbits are my favourites. I love them so much.

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they’re just so darling and ADORABLE!

9. any piercings or tattoos?

Normal lobe piercings in both ears and a cartilage piercing in my right one. No tattoos.

10. what do you like about yourself?

My maths brain, by art skills, my eyes and my flexibility. Um, I think that’s it.

11. what do you dislike about yourself?

My chest, my hips, my dysphoria…what else do you want? I’m a severely dysphoric, mentally ill person, I don’t like much about myself. As listed above.

12. righty or lefty?

Righty for writing, lefty for most other things, kicking, jumping, throwing. I do most things with the left side of my body.

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LASTS:

13. last thing you drunk:

I really don’t know, water probably?

14. last thing you ate:

Strawberries. Yummy, sweet, juicy strawberries, the first of the season. I ate three of them. They tasted very good.

15. your last phone call:

*checks* I don’t call many people, but my father on Thrusday at 7:17am.

16. your last text message:

I don’t text often, but my last message I sent was to a friend saying “thank you for the hot people”.

17. your last email:

I emailed Elizabeth last night in reply to an email about my last post.

18. the last song you listened to:

Luv Song by Chloe Moriondo which is amazing. You should go check her out, she has amazing music and is really young and sweet. Luv Song is great.

19. the last book you read:

Um, War Storm by Victoria Aveyard. Look out for the review coming soon, it was great book and I really hope it’s not the end of the series!

20. the last time you cried:

Monday when I had a huge anxiety attack and was just too stressed and upset to do life. It was not much fun.

21. the last blog you read:

The darling Starling @ Starling.

22. the last person you spoke to:

Either my mum or sister, but I think the latter.

23. the last place you visited:

What? Is this like the last place I went? If so, school yesterday.

24. your last holiday abroad:

I’ve never been overseas, so nowhere. Not applicable.

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HAVE YOU EVER:

25. have you ever got back together with an ex?

No, I have never had a partner, let alone an ex.

26. have you ever been cheated on?

No, I have never had a partner.

27. have you ever cheated on anyone?

No, I reiterate the fact that I HAVE NEVER HAD A PARTNER!

28. have you ever lost someone special to you?

Yes, my old best friends (two of them) and my grandmother.

29. have you ever been so drunk you threw up?

No, I’ve never drunk, never been drunk and even if I had I could not admit it on here where my parents can see. No.

30. have you ever fallen out of love with someone?

Nope. Never fallen into love with someone either.

31. have you ever met someone who changed you?

I guess so, most of my friends have had some kind of huge impact on me. I don’t know if I’d say they’ve changed me though…

32. have you ever been in a situation where you found out who your real friends are?

Yes, a couple of times, mostly this year after opening up and coming out and losing a few friends who didn’t want to be around me like that. It was hard but it got better.

33. have you ever kissed someone you probably shouldn’t have?

I’ve never actually kissed someone, so nope.

34. have you ever found out people were talking about you behind your back?

Oh, on several occasions! I don’t really care though, it’s not worth worrying too much about.

35. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I don’t know? I kinda hope not?!

36. have you ever kissed a stranger?

Nope.

37. have you ever had your own heart broken?

No? Well I’ve felt like I’d die when a couple of my OTP’s didn’t happen in books (looking at you Wolfstar), but not really, no.

38. have you ever had sex on the first date?

  1. NO.
  2. NO, I’M ASEXUAL.
  3. NO, I’M UNDERAGE.
  4. NO, BUT IN RED AND BOLD TO MAKE A POINT.

39. have you ever been arrested?

No, I’ve been in police cars though. But no. I’m too scared to do anything too bad.

40. have you ever been attracted to someone that isn’t the gender you usually find attractive?

I’m demi and have only had one crush (I was 10) so I wouldn’t really know, but no. I do find several (gay male) cosplayers attractive though. Never been attracted to people really.

41. have you ever done something you regret?

Heck of a lot of things. For example, not getting help with my mental issues earlier.

42. have you ever had a threesome?

  1. NO.
  2. NO, I’M ASEXUAL.
  3. NO, I’M UNDERAGE.
  4. NO, BUT IN RED AND BOLD TO MAKE A POINT.

43. have you ever embarrassed yourself in public?

Oh, several times!

44. have you ever misjudged someone?

Yes, I misjudged several of my really good friends as snobbish brats at the start of the year and several snobbish brats as lovely people. I don’t think anyone can say no to this, we all misjudge people, we just shouldn’t judge people.

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YOUR BELIEFS & OPINIONS

45. do you believe in God?

No, I’m an atheist. I don’t want anyone to get offended. I don’t believe in a God but think that people are 100% entitled to their own opinions, beliefs and views and I will not criticise anyone for these.

46. do you believe in yourself?

Not usually, but sometimes.

47. do you believe in Santa Claus?

Haven’t since I was about 7. Sorry Santy.

48. do you believe in ghosts?

I don’t know. There is definitely some supernatural being out there, maybe ghosts, maybe not? So I guess I believe in ghosts?

49. do you believe in aliens?

Again, I don’t know. We have such a FREAKING HUGE UNIVERSE that it’s almost impossible for there not to be anything else out there. I really think that there is something else out there, maybe not aliens, but something. Like the ghosts.

50. do you believe in miracles?

Yes. I don’t even know what to say about this. But yes, I do believe in miracles.

51. do you believe in the power of positive thinking?

Yes. If you completely change your thought processes to positive thoughts and eradicate all traces of negativity from your brain you WILL feel better. It works really well for me in both depressive and anxious moments.

52. do you believe in love at first sight?

Not as a demi, but maybe for others? I don’t think so though, definitely in attraction at first sight though. (for others too)

53. can money make you happy?

Yes! Money can buy you books and help that can make you happier. It can really impact on you in a positive way. But other things can make you happy for free too. Like friends and animals and art.

54. would you describe yourself as a feminist?

Yes. Yes, yes yes. 100%. I want gender equality and don’t understand the people out there who don’t.

55. are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-choice. I believe that you have the ability to choose what you want and what is good for you. Whatever I had chosen here I would have got hate for it. This also doe not mean that I am all for abortion, I just believe that people should be able to have the choice to deal with their own life.

56. do you have strong political beliefs?

Not really? I try to avoid politics at all costs but it’s rather hard. I do believe in certain things and do have a political party that I support completely, but politics is a very difficult, touchy subject and is often easier to just stay right out of.

57. do you have strong religious beliefs?

No. I don’t feel any connection to any religion. I’m not a religious person at all.

58. what do you think the most important thing you can give a child is?

Love, support, care and validation! A child will thrive if you give them the things they so desperately want. If you want a child to do well you have to give them the things that you would like. The things that you would thrive on.

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RIGHT NOW

59. are you eating anything right now?

Nope.

60. are you drinking anything right now?

Water.

61. what are you listening to right now?

My workout playlist which is kind of weird given that I’m lying on my bed being lazy! But Geronimo by Sheppard is currently playing in the background.

62. what are you thinking about right now?

Why I just sent a message to someone saying that I was happy about something and they sent back “Well I’m always here to help you if you’re having a hard time, poor, poor you.” and how I’m managing to hack the Instagram messaging system and send multiple hearts at once.

63. what are you waiting for right now?

The rain to stop so I can get on with my life.

64. what are you most excited about right now?

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS FOR A BIG SCHOOL-BASED COMPETITION THAT COULD TAKE US TO SYDNEY THAT’S ON NEXT SATURDAY!

65. what’s your pet hate right now?

That I’m wearing a cropped top and my stomach is revealed, that the WiFi is shit and that the rain won’t stop and has been going on since about Tuesday.

66. what’s your favorite thing right now?

Um, my amazing faux-mink blanket that I’ve got draped across me and have had for the last 2 hours I’ve been writing for.

67. if you weren’t answering these questions, what would you be doing right now?

Homework or procrastinating it by watching YouTube or messaging my friends.

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FIRSTS

68. your first best friend:

If I remember correctly a boy called George who I spent the first 5 years of my life with being babysat by him mum when my parents were at work.

69. your first kiss:

Never had one.

70. your first celebrity crush:

It’s kinda weird, but also shows my demiromanticness, but my first celebrity crush is this year on Bex Taylor-Klaus who is incredibly hot and has the most beautiful eyes and an amazing voice. They’re my first crush since my first one on my best friend’s sister when I was 10. And it’s a celebrity crush, so doesn’t count.

71. your first holiday:

How would I know?!

72. your first pet:

We had a dog called Stoli, another called Fish and a cat called Monster when I was born, so them? Else I owned my own dog called Rosie when I was 4.

73. your first regret:

Um, who knows?!

74. your first job:

I have a half job washing towels and doing a stocktake now, so that I guess?

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WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

76. love or money?

Platonic love is amazing. I don’t think I could deal with the pressure I would feel was on me with romantic love, but love over money any day.

77. twitter or facebook?

Neither, but Twitter I guess?

78. hook up or relationship?

100% relationship.

79. dogs or cats?

CATSCATSCATSCATSCATS!

80. coffee or tea?

Herbal tea. Coffee and I had a bad run in a while back in which I stayed up all night after drinking 3 coffees and throwing up several times. I spent the night shaking. It put me off for life. Although…sweetened almond-soy milk lattes are very good.

81. beer or wine?

Neither. They’re both gross and sour and bitter and I would highly recommend that anyone currently drinking them stops right now.

82. sweet or savory?

Depends how I’m feeling, what I’m craving, how my eating’s going and what I’ve already eaten. But usually sweet.

83. introvert or extrovert?

Extrovert at heart but introverted by mental illnesses. Also it depends who I’m around. So probably ambivert?

84. vampires or werewolves?

Vampires if I had to choose one.

85. seaside or countryside?

Seasides are pretty but I have an irrational fear of the ocean, so countryside.

86. summer or winter?

Autumn. But winter I guess out of these two.

87. books or movies?

BOOKS OF COURSE. WHOEVER MADE UP THIS TAG IS AN IDIOT. (no offence!)

88. horror or comedy?

Horror completely. But there are so many books and movies I haven’t dealt with yet that I must… *cackles evilly*

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RANDOM QUESTIONS TO FINISH ON

89. do you wish you could change your past?

I can’t change what has already happened. I feel that dwelling on the past has a huge negative impact on me as a person (talking to YOU anxiety). But if I could change one thing it would be not giving up on certain people as early as I did. There are several smaller things that I wish I could change too, but that’s okay.

What has happened, has happened,

What has been, has been,

And those are the facts,

Even if never forseen.

~ Some dude in one of my stories

90. what’s your dream job?

A psychologist. I would love to be a psychologist. I really want to deal with the brain and help people out of their struggles. I want to find out more about mental illnesses and stuff like that. It all really intrigues me.

91. what’s your guilty pleasure?

Lots of things. Lying in bed not doing anything, not thinking anything, under my mink blanket is right up there.

92. what are you afraid of?

A few things. Losing the people I hold dear to me, oceans and moths for example.

93. what was the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up?

Who knows? I think probably something like a hairdresser or a horserider maybe?

94. if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

SHAPESHIFTING! OUT OF MY WAY DYSPHORIA! MY SHAPESHIFTING TALENTS ARE HERE TO REMOVE YOU FROM MY BODY COMPLETELY! I would love that a lot.

95. if you could change anything about your life what would it be?

I would remove all my mental illnesses, disorders and issues from my life. It would be very…freeing. And also, I would like to get rid of all my stresses about pleasing my friends.

96. would you want immortality?

No way. I couldn’t deal with living forever, not being able to do anything. I can’t imagine watching everyone I love dying off around me while I just watch on, that’s one of my biggest fears. Also, just watching the world fall into disrepair would be so hard.

97. if you could interview anyone alive or dead who would you choose?

My parents and friends. I would like to know more about them. WATCH THIS SPACE, THERE SHOULD BE AN INTERVIEW WITH A FAMILY MEMBER SOMETIME SOON!

98. would you say you are happy?

Now? I’m mildly content. I have nothing going on right now and have just got things off my chest. In general? I’ve kind of just worked out a way to numb my body so I don’t really feel much in terms of pain or emotions. I’m pretty (as I say to EVERYONE ALL THE TIME) ‘meh’. I’m fine. I’m not good, not bad. Not happy, not sad. Just numb so I can’t feel the pain of the small triggers.

99. what one piece of advice would you give to yourself at age eighteen?

Well, I’m 14, so I’ll give my future self some advice.

Stay alive. Keep living.

Hold onto your friends. Remember your family.

~ Emily to their 18 year old self.

Can I do this to myself at age eight? Actually, I wrote a letter to my younger self about six months ago that I’ll publish at some point on here.

100. where would you like to be in five years’ time?

Happy, free of mental illness (we can dream) and still with amazing friends. Also, in university studying to become a psychologist. (refer to a part in this post for more on this sort of thing but in 10 years)

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Holy heck! That was a very long post! I’m seriously very sorry! If you’ve read to the end, thank you so much, it really means a lot that you have read through this ENTIRE 3000 WORD POST! This must be one of my longest posts ever! It also took me over three hours to write. And I somehow managed to write it all in one sitting??? How does that work???

So thanks for getting to the end! What are your opinions on these topics? Thanks again for 300 followers! I’m so happy and y’all mean a lot to me!

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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Diet Culture in 2018 | A Little of My Story, My Opinion On It + Coping Mechanisms?

TW: Eating disorders, Dieting, Anorexia

Okay, I know that anorexia is an eating disorder but this will probably base around Anorexia mostly. So you just need to know that. It will deal with mostly ways of getting around it, but some will be about the actual ED and I feel it’ my duty to tell you this. Thanks.

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Onto the actual post…

So diet culture is everywhere. Instagram has feeds full of ‘how to lose weight’, ‘calories in [insert food item]’, ‘low calorie swaps’ and so on. YouTube has hundreds of videos entitled ‘losing weight for teens’, ‘lose 10kg in 2 weeks!’, ‘how to get into shape for summer’ and things like that. You watch the news and most of the ads are things like ‘drink this for weight-loss’, ‘get instant abs’, ‘proven to help you lose weight’…and you get the picture! Everywhere you look people are trying to get you to lose weight.

And another part of this is what I’m going to touch on briefly now, it’s about comparison, models and some about body image. Now, I did an entire post on this here that you should check out and comment on if you want to go into more depth, but for now a few sentences is all we need. Anyway, comparisons. Again, I’m going to use Instagram as an example here. So you have these beautiful, skinny models, or big, buff models on there and they post what they eat, workouts and all that sort of shit on their accounts and honestly, people do just find themselves comparing themselves to those models. They want to be like them. And that’s not helpful either. And everyone saying ‘oh, this is my diet’, ‘this is how I lost 40kg’ and stuff isn’t helpful.

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Going onto the actual thing. Anorexia is an eating issue I know quite a lot about. I am not going to be doing a ‘what I eat in a day’ post until I have increased my calorie intake, but let’s just say that for now it is very, very low and not at all good. Millions of people suffer from anorexia, which is an eating disorder in which you deprive yourself of the calories you need to lose weight fast. I haven’t weighed myself in several months for fear of seeing the numbers on the scales go up (not that my ED was really about weight. I’ll post that another time when I feel I can) but last year when I watched my weight very, very carefully I remember watching the numbers drop for weeks. I went from 50kg to about 40kg in ten weeks. I went through a period of time when I was losing 1kg a week. It wasn’t good. I still haven’t recovered. I did for a while, but then I went right down again, I stopped eating again. I have not recovered yet but I am, I am slowly getting help, just starting to introduce one new meal/drink every week or so with the help of my counsellor in the hopes that eventually I’ll get up to 1500-1800 calories a day. That’s all of my story that I would like to talk about on here, right now.

Okay, another quick thing about me. At school currently I’m taking Food Technology. Currently we’re doing a unit on snacks in this class and one of the things that we’re currently doing in this class is calories. We’re discussing the fat and calories in certain foods and for me, this is incredibly triggering. But that aside, I’m going to say what I was wanting to say. So we’re discussing weight gain and the consequences of it and all that sort of stuff, like what an average weight is, how many calories to eat, how to lose some of the excess weight and that sort of thing. We’re only discussing weight gain and it’s consequences. What I want to be taught is the opposite too. I want them to teach about being underweight and the consequences of that. Anorexia kills three times more people than depression does each year. I want them to talk about weights that are dangerous to be below, calories that are too little and that kind of thing. I don’t want to have to deal with talking about high-calorie foods and have anxiety attacks about it that include being told that ‘it’s important and I have to learn about it’ when what I really think would benefit me is learning about low calories and eating disorders. Those are the things that really matter to me. I think that diet culture is complete and utter bs. We don’t need it and it does no good.

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Now, ways of combating it. Obviously you’re not going to be able to completely eradicate diet culture from your life unless you do something really drastic and don’t do anything to do with human interaction, but that would be a little bit crazy if you ask me! So the biggest methods of combating diet culture are in this lovely little list:

  • avoid the ‘healthytips’ or the like instagram feeds
  • don’t look up anything to do with weight loss, calories and fats on the internet
  • don’t go searching for super skinny models on instagram and the like
  • this is 100% the hardest one for me, but DON’T LOOK AT NUTRITION INFORMATION PANELS ON FOOD! THEY’RE REALLY, REALLY BAD!
  • actually go and talk to a registered dietitian/nutritionist about what you SHOULD be eating and the consequences of dieting
  • stop talking about diets and stop others around you from doing the same. It’s not good for you, or for them.
  • AND LASTLY…PRACTISE SELF-LOVE! It’s very important and does you a lot of good!

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If you have any ideas please feel free to add onto them in the comments!

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Sleeping Issues | Fun Post at 2AM

I can’t sleep! Big shock!

The world is shook! Emily, the mentally ill, gay, genderqueer ace is not sleeping! Emily is coming to the world at 2AM when they should be sleeping after scrolling through instagram feeds of Drarry accounts for the past hour? Who’d have thought?! So, fittingly, today’s post is going to be about the lovely things stopping me from sleeping at this amazing time (namely insomnia and anxiety).

Also, no feature image or fancy graphics because I cannot be bothered and the internet connecting is shit and not wanting to work at 2AM! I am shooketh! And sad, so sorry guys. Can you deal with it? Please? I hope you can.

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I don’t know if I have stated previously, but I suffer from insomnia that fluctuates between being very high level and ultra functioning and being nothing and letting me sleep. Currently it is at the high end of the spectrum.  Else I would be sleeping right now. (also, please note that I began writing this at 1:30ish but didn’t finish it until 2AM and changed the time to fit it.) Insomnia is classified as ‘Persistent problems falling and staying asleep. Most cases of insomnia are related to poor sleeping habits, depression, anxiety, lack of exercise, chronic illness or certain medication. Symptoms may include difficulty falling or staying asleep and not feeling well-rested. Treatment for insomnia consists of improving sleep habits, behaviour therapy and identifying and treating underlying causes. Sleeping pills may also be used, but should be monitored for side effects.’ by Wikipedia (yes, I am that simple, please bear in mind that it is 1:30AM). So it’s another disorder I have, this time a sleeping one! I should write a book on my disorders, name it ‘Not Becoming a Number: A Guide To Life With a Mentally Ill Human Bean’. It’ll go famous. Updates will be coming soon, watch this space!

So I’m sitting here, at my laptop with a hot water bottle on my lap and an empty mug with a chamomile teabag in it next to me and thinking. And writing this post. I got the idea for it at 11:32PM last night when I was in the kitchen getting said hot water bottle and said chamomile tea and my father  was telling me off for still being awake. Like it was entirely my fault! I had been lying in bed at that point for over an hour and sleep still had not become of me. It was not much fun. And I had awful cramps (hence the hot water bottle) and was feeling very sick. It was not nice. And now, about 10 minutes ago I had the idea to write a blog post at 1:30AM about insomnia and not being able to sleep to help enlighten people about it. Hence this post.

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So you know what insomnia is, a disorder stopping people from getting to or staying asleep. It often leads to people feeling dead and drowsy during the day. This is very true, getting to sleep at 1-4AM and waking up at 5-6AM is not exactly much fun. You fall asleep and a couple of hours later proceed to wake up and get on with life. Surprisingly for me, my schoolwork and grades still seem to be maintaining their high standards (and are often done in the stupid, useless hours of the morning. eg. the PE work that I finished yesterday at about 1AM). But for me, during the day I have very little energy and (shockingly) eating does not help. And I generally don’t eat. So that’s a little bit of fun. Not sleeping leads to peers telling you that you look ‘kinda, a little bit dead and in need of a hug and a really good night’s sleep’ which is lovely and often true. But it’s not very helpful and sometimes gets a bit annoying. But I love my classmates, they’re lovely people. But yeah, I do look very dead in the mornings when I am running on 3 hours sleep. AND…EYE CREAMS DON’T SEEM TO HELP EYE-CIRCLES WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING ON LITTLE FOOD OR SLEEP!!! Shocking, I know!

When I get 5 hours of sleep I literally scream and run around in circles and get really excited and yell and throw a big party because I have actually slept. You see, often when I do get to sleep at a ‘reasonable’ time (1AMish) I often won’t get the 5 hours of sleep (assuming I’m going to wake up at 6AM) because of sleep disruptions caused by sleep issues. I will get to sleep and then wake up at 3 and not be able to get back to sleep until 3:30-4ish which is great and decreases my total hours of sleep tally. Of course. So if I magically manage to actually sleep that full time, or wake up later and actually get 5 hours of sleep, I am really excited. I know that it’s silly and the recommended hours of sleep is usually about 8-9 for my age. And your age. And everyone else’s age.

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Now, the causes of my sleep deprivation. Well, well, well, these differ, but they usually come down to one thing: anxiety. My brain spins at hundreds of kilometres an hour deciding what it is going to focus on and not actually doing that, so just spinning around for hours. It goes around and remembers everything I haven’t done during the last day that I should have. Or it thinks about everything I need to do the next day. Or when I’m going to do them. Or how I’m going to do them. Or it goes over all the things I’ve said to people. And it goes through them all and decides just ho dumb they all are. And just how pointless each of the things I have said is. Or it goes over the things that people have said to me. Usually it is something that one specific person has said to me that I just dwell on her hours. The one thing looping over and over in my head. It just goes on and on and on. Which is fun, because then I end up in a full-blown panic attack at 2AM because of this ONE THING that ONE PERSON has said to me during that ONE DAY. And that is not fun. Usually it is that one last thing that means I do not sleep for hours and hours. And usually it is one person who says something that goes around and around for hours. One certain person who knows exactly who they are. The same person who often triggers me with the things they say without thinking. They know who they are and I don’t think I’ll call them out on here, publicly. If you’re reading this, person , and know that it is you I am talking about, feel free to stop doing it and apoligise to me. I’d like that. Anyway, I’m off topic again!!! Lol, big surprise, it’s almost 2AM, what exactly do you expect?!

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And (I think) finally! WHAT THE INSOMNIA LEADS ME TO DOING!!! Well, shall we go from mad to madder or from madder to mad? I think we’ll go for mad to madder. So, the not so mad things. Well, writing this blog post is one of the not-so mad things I have done. Also drawing mini OCs, reading books and talking to friends via Instagram (people with similar issues or who live across the globe are great) are mildly mad things I have done. Now going slightly madder now, I have done entire school projects in the early hours of the morning. Also written chapters of my stories, written entire short stories, short film scripts, I have edited a short film and then proceeded to delete it at 2AM before. I also am known to post things on my Insta stories, comment things on people’s posts and go through Drarry posts at this sort of time too. And finally, to go extra med, I have been known to do entire ab workouts, tidy my room completely, organise my desk, and sew complete costumes for competitions (Friday night between 1 and 3AM) in the early hours of the morning. The workouts is probably the most common of all these things. I often do 20-40 minute workouts when I can’t get to sleep. Things including 100 crunches, 50 situps, 20 pushups, 100 Russian twists and that sort of thing. It means I get it all out of the way before I go to school! And sometimes, very rarely, but when I feel really awful and just sticky and gross (yes, I feel sticky at 2AM when there is nothing on me, comment is you get this too) I have showered to see if I can relieve the problem. Note: this barely ever happens and the feeling does not go away. Oh, and I often find LGBTQ+ things in the early hours of the morning, listen to Waterparks, P!ATD, Dodie and Openside, and find things I want to buy on Amazon, Wish and Etsy. It’s great. I am 100% normal.
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Here’s the thing though, in all honesty, at 1:59AM, I do know that this is a messed up thing to be doing. But I also know that it could be important for people to know that they are not the only one(s) suffering with this disorder. I mean, I don’t know many people who have similar sleeping issues and are willing to talk about them. I don’t think that anyone will take this part of this post seriously given the rest of it, but that’s cool. If you do take it seriously though, please know that I will talk to you if you need me to, I can talk to you about your problems on my Insta or email, or even in the comments!
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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Happiness | Another Random Post

Eem beek!

Hi! 👋 *waves* I’m in a mad mood and this post may be very random and confusing.  I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. Ok, enough intro, bye! 👋 *waves *

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To me, happiness is rare.  Happiness is a rare occurrence when I am free of all issues of life. When I have nothing going on in my life and can just be me, free, forever. Happiness is being free from mental illnesses, from 2AM anxiety attacks, 5 hour depressive episodes, 24 hour fasts. It’s not having to worry about weight, school, life. Not having to worry about everything going on in my life.

To me, happiness is spending hours with my best friend, talking in the square, watching the clouds. It’s talking horses with her, laughing about failures on them. It’s walking around the birds, watching them, taking photos of them. Laughing when they peck us. Being carefree. It’s sitting in trees eating gay bacon, our reasons unknown. Happiness is yelling at people we know across the street to see how much we can embarrass them. It’s talking body dysphoria and getting it all off my chest, feeling free from all that pain. It’s being able to share anything and not being judged. It’s talking about our crushes and knowing that the other and their crush is our OTP. It’s knowing how much the other is flirting with their crush and knowing how cute they would be together.

To me, happiness is sitting with my almost-not quite-sort of girlfriend and just leaning against her. It’s feeling loved and safe, knowing that I can overcome the mental pressies I put on myself. It’s forgetting the mental illnesses because she’s there and we’re talking together, laughing together. It’s watching her be so carefree and happy and not being able to do anything but smile. It’s finding a cute cat as we walk together and jumping up and down and shrieking about how cute it is for the next half hour. It’s knowing that she is there for me. That I am not alone in the world. It’s the times that we’re  together and we don’t do anything, just send each other memes even though we’re right next to each other, just because it’s fun. Just because the others presence is comforting.

To me, happiness is the breaks from class where I’m with a group of gays and we’re just talking. It’s knowing that I do have other like me out there. It’s knowing that I have love. Have people. Have friends. It’s just playing around on instagram, just being in each other’s presence. Just having the company. It’s bonding over skittles and gay bacon, even though half of us are anorexic. It’s making the others eat, even though none of us want to. It’s knowing that others will care for me and being able to give that care back. It’s knowing that there are other people out there who will always just like me for me, rather than the fakery I have always been. It’s knowing that there are people who can make me laugh in the darkest of times. It’s knowing that I have friends who will always let me talk if I do the same to them.

To me, happiness is walking back from school with friends, ranting about peers and teachers and work from the day. It’s talking about random shit just because we can. It’s running for 50 metres because we want to get to a specific place in time to beat our record. It’s knowing that people can be carefree even when they are really feeling dark. It’s setting off the car alarm and cackling for the next 10 minutes because we knew it would happen. It’s having them fangirl over me and my almost-not quite-sort of girlfriend and teasing me about her. It’s teasing them back about people they know and may have once crushed on. It’s rambling days where nothing happens but we always find something to talk about. Because we both can. Because we both need things to talk about. It’s knowing that no matter what I do during the day, I’ll always have someone to talk to when I walk back. I’ll always have someone who doesn’t care who I am, as long as I will rant with her about our teachers.

To me, happiness is hours spent sitting on the top of a hill with my sister in the sunset. It’s taking huge numbers of photographs and spamming my phones gallery. It’s posing so the light is right and we’re silhouetted against the sky. It’s splits in the prickles, yelping as we’re pricked by them. It’s giggling as we do peace signs sarcastically to the world behind us. It’s 30 second documentaries in which we introduce ourselves to the world. It’s dramatic poses and dark glares. It’s mickey-taking hair flips just to get that perfect picture. It’s golden hour and outstretched legs. It’s not giving a toss who we are just being ourselves, having fun, spending time with each other.  It’s knowing that the other will always be there for us. It’s sharing our secrets with each other, opening my phone to her and not caring what she sees. It’s letting her into my instagram and knowing that she won’t do anything. It’s being able to trust people with my life.

To me, happiness is walking through school, seeing how many closed double doors I can find, just to open them dramatically and prance through them. It’s walking around pretending I own the place to see how many seniors I can annoy. It’s walking into half empty classrooms with people I don’t know and yelling at the top of My lungs ‘hi peeps! How are y’all?!’ And proceeding to take part in a normal lesson like nothing happened. It’s not sitting on chairs correctly and watching openly gay people walk into the room and wink at me. It’s knowing that I can fake it and eventually I will make it out of the depressive hole.

It’s yelling at the top of My lungs that im gay and having people high-five me as they walk past. It’s being accepted for who I am. It’s having people using the correct pronouns and not caring that I use them. It’s being able to come out and feel safe and supported. It’s feeling like I don’t even need to come out, that I do so just because I can. It’s not knowing who I am and not having that be a big deal. It’s having people ask for pronouns rather than just assume them. Happiness is feeling valid, like I have a place in the world.

To me, happiness is getting dressed in nice clothes and not caring how I look. It’s dressing up for no one but myself, just to look nice. It’s waking up with happy skin and feeling good about myself. It’s shopping in the men’s section and not being stared at. It’s dressing nicely and having people compliment me as I walk down the street. It’s feeling just as good as I look. It’s matching clothes that don’t match together and making them look good. It’s doing things out of the ordinary and feeling fine about it. It’s feeling like I can just be myself. Like I don’t have anyone to please.

To me, happiness is completing an awful test and then getting it back with top marks. It’s finishing a hard run and knowing that it’s over.  It’s finally getting own to the ground in the splits and having no pain. It’s working out and not feeling like I have to burn off calories. It’s throwing my hands up in the air and telling the world that I don’t  give a fucking and running straight towards my problems. It’s doing things and doing them well. It’s scoring the final, winning goal in a hockey match. It’s stopping the opposition from scoring the final goal in a match.

To me, happiness is eating something and not instantly feeling guilty. It’s eating something unhealthy and not caring. It’s knowing the number of calories and not caring about burning them off. It’s feeling free from the anorexia when I’ve eaten something. It’s eating enough to nourish me correctly. It’s eating good food and enjoying it. It’s not drinking acids just to increase metabolism speed, rather because they taste good and make me feel good. It’s eating so I feel good rather than guilty, feel nourished rather than weak. It’s eating and not caring what others think of me. Because I don’t actually care one bit.

To me, happiness is reading a really good book and feeling content with it. It’s reading a really long email and loving that someone has taken the time  to email me. It’s knowing that someone wants to get to know me enough that they’ll send a 2000 word email. It’s knowing that all my followers are amazing. It’s knowing that they all care about me. It’s knowing that to some people I am important. It’s knowing that people are interested in my life. It’s putting myself out there in the open to bullying and not receiving any hate, rather just love. It’s feeling as though I am important to certain people.

To me, happiness is having time in my day to do everything I want to do. It’s getting all my schoolwork done on time. It’s having spare time to walk the dog. To dance around the living room freely. It’s not having to do anything urgently and feeling the pressure of everything off my shoulders. It’s actually being pleased with my life.

To me, happiness is riding along the back paths of the hills, free from everything, unable to change anything. It’s riding with no regrets, cantering madly along on a risky horse on a risky path. It’s watching the mud fly up from his hooves as we go. It’s watching the path but not really seeing it. It’s trotting circles of the arena, same pace, same speed, same everything. Round and round. It’s leaving the fears and emotions in the air as I ride. It’s jumping the tiny jumps in front of us, yet soaring miles above them. It’s being completely free from all thoughts for that long period of time in which I’m out there. Riding freely.

To me, happiness is watching the clock and seeing the time tick over faster. It’s knowing that there’s nothing I can do about that and not worrying. It’s listening to music as loudly as possible. It’s singing at the top of my lungs even though I suck at it. It’s shopping and spending hundreds with yards of silk and cotton. It’s smiling genuinely, from the eyes, rather than the mouth. It’s releasing all the stress from my life and being able to deal with it. It’s being happy and not knowing why, just being happy.

To me, happiness is rare. To me, happiness is important. To me, happiness is something that every single person out there can strive to be better at. Every single person out there can strive to be happier. Even if it is just fake happiness, one day, even if it is a long time away, happiness will be real. And that is important. It is important that happiness is there, in the world. That is it a real thing. That is is something that it spread. That it is something that people have in their day-to-day life. Because happiness is important. Happiness means hope.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it’s happened.

~ Dr. Seuss

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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Sky … -.- -.– | A Short Story

I have nothing to post currently because the post I am working on a big series of releases.

So I am going to post a story. I wrote it the other day in English in the 15 minutes we were given to do creative writing at the start. Be warned that it was one of those stories that I’ve started and haven’t been able to stop until I’d completely finished so it’s very long, 1250 or so words.

It’s called Sky … -.- -.– The dots and dashes afterwards are morse code for ‘sky’ which is how I title most of my short story works. Enjoy!

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Sky … -.- -.–

The entirety of the days they touched the sky they smiled. It made them happy doing so. There were three of them. And each an every one of them smiled when they touched the sky. But they didn’t know why they smiled. They just did. It made no sense and no one else knew that they smiled. They didn’t really know why they smiled. They just smiled. None of it made any sense whatsoever. The days seemed to pass by fast and it was very rare that they did end up touching the sky. But when they did it made them happy. Very happy. When they touched the sky they would all celebrate. It was not just a solitary ordeal. Rather a group project. No one knew why it was such a group environment. It just was. The rest of the world did not know about any of this. The rest of the world did not know about the sky. The rest of the world did not know about them. They all kept themselves secret. So secret. Even their families did not know about them. Even their partners did not know what they did. Everyone knew of them. But no one knew what they did. No one knew how important they were. No one made any assumptions about them. Until that day. Until that fateful day. Until the day they were witnessed touching the sky. They were seen millions of miles in the sky. When that happened everyone knew. Everyone knew about them. Everyone knew who they were. Everyone knew what they were. What they did. The entire world knew exactly What they were doing. And no one understood it. But they still knew. And that was not good. That meant that the long-kept secret was lost. The secret that had been kept for hundreds of thousands of years had been shared. It was no longer a secret. It was a known fact. It was a known fact that they touched the sky. That they smiled when they touched the sky. No one understood why they did it. No one thought it was worth it. No one thought that the lost lives were worth touching the sky for. But everyone knew. Everyone knew that they did it. And that was not good. That was awful. That was a travesty. They did not know themselves why they did it. They just knew that they did. They just knew that it was an important thing that they must do. It was a thing that was required of them. They had been trained since birth to do it. They had been trained since birth to touch the sky. They had been trained since birth to smile when they touched the sky. And now that was done. Only the eldest of the elders knew why they did it. But those elders had died out long ago. They were long gone. Those eldest elders were just figments of the imagination. They were just memories. They were just images of people passed down from person to person. No one alive knew what they really looked like. No one alive had ever seen them. Not really. Not in reality. They had all seen the elders in their dreams. They had all seen the eldest of elders images. But never really. As those who really knew about it had died thousands of years ago. They were unwanted. Everyone knew that it was important. Everyone who completed the task at hand. Only the people who completed this task. Only those who did it. Only those who attempted to touch the sky knew that it was important. Only those who smiled when they touched the sky before dropping back down knew that it was important. But even they did not know why it was important. Even they did not know why they did it. All they knew was that it was important. And that they did it. But the others did not accept that. Those who did not complete it did not get it. They did not understand that it was important. They only understood that it killed people. They only understood that it was dangerous. They did not understand why they did it. But no one knew that. Those who did not know about it wanted to eradicate it. Those who did not complete it wanted to see it gone. Those who had lost loved ones to the task wanted it banned entirely. But no one knew what would happen if it was not a task completed. Apart from one boy.

The boy knew more than anyone else did. The boy was young and innocent. But the boy was not young. The boy was not innocent. The boy had been through more than anyone else had. The boy held the spirits of thousands. The boy was the only one who knew what happened. Why knew why it happened. The boy was special. But no one knew how special. No one registered his talent. No one knew anything he did. No one had seen what he had seen. The boy knew why touching the sky was important. The boy knew why they smiled when they touched the sky. The boy was the only one. He held the secret to life. But he was yung. He did not know anything. He was just a boy. How could he possibly have been through more than anyone else? How could be possibly know the secrets no one else did? He was just an innocent, young boy. His life ahead of him. No one regarded him as important. But he was. The boy was very important.

This boy held the lives of all before him. He held the memories of those who had touched the sky previously. The thoughts of the eldest of elders long ago. He knew the secrets of the sky. He knew what happened when touching it failed. He knew why they smiled when they touched the sky. Why they could not talk when they touched the sky. And smiled. He knew why touching the sky and smiling was important. He had been there before. He had seen it happen. He regarded the sky as a thing of importance. He knew why there were only three of them. He knew how they got their entrance. He knew more than anyone living did. He knew more than  anyone living ever would. More than anyone living ever had. And he knew why. He knew why he knew this. He knew what it meant. He knew just how special it was. As young as he was.

He knew that the sky was not natural. He knew the sky had been created. He knew that beyond the sky there was more. That the sky was a shield. He knew that the sky was the only thing that kept them alive. He knew that without the sky they would all be dead. The planet would have been destroyed. Without the sky nothing that was known as the norm would exist. Nothing would be there. No one would be there. No one would exist.

He knew that touching the sky, and smiling, kept them alive. He knew that without touching the sky they would have died out. Their planet would have been destroyed. He knew that touching the sky kept the barrier up. He knew that they were making a mistake. But he could not do anything. He was just an innocent, young boy after all. His life ahead of him.

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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

QUICK POST TO THANK YOU ALL FOR 311 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS INCLUDING MY 10 AMAZING EMAIL FOLLOWERS WHO I LOVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART!!!!!!!!

I AM CRYING BECAUSE I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!! I ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED ONE OF MY GOALS FOR THE YEAR EARLY!!!!!

DO YOU THINK WE CAN GET TO 400 BY THE END OF 2018?!!!! THAT WOULD BE SUPER EXCITING!!!

IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS FOR WHAT I COULD/SHOULD DO FOR 300 FOLLOWERS PLEASE MESSagE ME!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEK! THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITING!

I AM SORRY! I AM JUST VERY HAPPY FOR THIS! ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH!

Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily

Just Thoughts | A Stream of Conciousness

I have had some thoughts.

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OK.

To the people who are telling me that I’m messed up because of my life, please read this.

To the girl in my Visual Art class who yells across the classroom daily to me, telling me I’m a creep and that I am a piece of gay shit, please read this.

To the people who message me and tell me that I can’t use they/them pronouns, please read this.

To the people who won’t accept people for who they are, please read this.

To the people who look at me differently for my gender and sexuality, please read this.

To the people who tell me that my female crush is not valid, please read this.

To the people who won’t be friends with me because they think that I’ll crush on them, please read this.

To the people who hate me for who I am, please read this.

To the world, please read this. Please.

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I am not a human. I was not born into this world just as you were. I am not the same as you.

You tell me that I’m not human because of my gender and sexuality. You tell me this not because you’ve been poorly informed, rather because you don’t want to become informed. Because you don’t want to have to learn and change these things. Because you don’t want to have to change your mindset. It’s because you can’t accept that we are not the same.

You yell these things at me to get them off your chest. To get them out of your mind. Because you can’t have these thoughts in your mind, these dirty, messed up thoughts. No, that’s just not possible. So you have to bombard me with them, each and every time the teacher is out of the room. You have to abuse me at every possible chance. You have to spill all your thoughts and opinions onto me. You have to. It’s not a choice.

You have to use she/her pronouns because that’s the norm. That’s what you’ve called me since you knew me. That’s just how I will always be in your mind. You have always used she/her pronouns for feminine people and he/him pronouns for masculine people. And you can’t possible change that for me. You can’t change the way you address me because I want that. Because that would be singling me out. That would be you making an effort for me.

Of course, you can’t accept people for who they are because they are different and society does not accept difference, that’s why we all go to the same school and eat the same food and wear the same clothes. Society cannot accept me for being gay because that’s not normal. And so you too mustn’t accept me. You can’t differ at all. You can’t possibly be different like me.

And I am very different, so of course I must be viewed differently now that I have told you my pronouns. Of course I’m not the same person as I was two minutes ago, that’s not possible! I don’t look or sound any different, but I am different and in order to register that you must look at me in a different manner.

Having a crush on the same sex is not OK. That crush is not really a crush. She’s just a quick phase. I’ll get over her in time, obviously. You’ve never had a crush on the same sex, so why can I? That’s not OK. The crush is definitely not real. That’s a given.

Well, I’m gay and I crush on every feminine person I see, so I clearly cannot be your friend because you’re a girl and that would mean that I would crush on you. That wouldn’t be right. You couldn’t possibly deal with that. So you’ll just have to avoid me even though I’m human. But my sexuality is the only thing that matters. If I’m gay, you’re never going to be my friend.

I am me, and that is not OK. It is not OK to be who you are, openly. It puts you out in the public eye and the hate I get is not a choice by you, rather a right. You have the right to pour hate on me for being different and open about myself. That’s just what comes of me coming out and exposing myself to you. You clearly have the right to hate me as much as you want.

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I am a human. I was born into this world just as you were. I am just the same as you, human.

I am human because if you stripped me naked, I would have all the same body parts as you do. I am human because I have the same rights as you. Because I have the capacity to change my mindset and embrace difference, rather than shun it.  Because I have the choice to be ME. And I don’t care what you think, I am human.

The feelings you shove at me, just to get them away hurt. The abuse you yell at me, away from the ears of those with authority, it hurts. It burns. It stings. It causes mental scars and those scars find their way out. Those scars that no one can see, find their way into view. Those mental scars soon become physical scars. They become brands on my skin forever. They will forever stay there. Those cuts and marks, because of you. They will be a constant reminder of the abuse I endured.

Why can’t I use the pronouns I want? What giver you the right to take that choice away from me? Why can you use the wrong pronouns? The pain that shoots across my face and you don’t see when you call me ‘her’ is hard. If you just saw how much pain it causes me to hear you say that. To hear you say ‘she is busy’. And then to hear the fateful phrase ‘well, I’ve grown used to it’. It hurts. And it causes so much more anxiety. How you react impacts on how others react. I cannot use the wrong pronouns towards you. I cannot call you ‘he’ is you are quite clearly a ‘she’. And just as you are a ‘she’ rather than a ‘he’, I am a ‘me’. I am a ‘me’ rather than a ‘she’ or a ‘he’.

I don’t care if you don’t accept me, but you just need to stay away from me. You don’t need to spend as much time as humanely possible harassing me and staying around me. You don’t need to hurt me as you do. You don’t need to accept me if you’re not going to be around me. I want to be surrounded by love and you’re stopping that. You’re stopping all the love I am receiving from getting to me. You can not accept me when you’re not around me.

I am not different. I still look the same as I did before and you weren’t even using pronouns then. I’ll ask you for pronouns and tell you if you’re using the wrong ones. Honestly, my pronouns or sexuality is all that is different. And it hurts having you tell me that I’m so different. You do not need to view me differently and make me feel ‘special’ because of a couple of differences I have.

I have a crush on a girl. And she has a crush on me too. And this can happen. This is able to happen. This is a real thing. Really, I can crush on her, she can crush on me. I can have a girlfriend. Or a partner. This can happen in this day and age.

I want you to be my friend. I do not crush on every single feminine person I come across. I crush on select few people who I love with all my heart. I crush on the people who love me back. I don’t just crush on any feminine person. You can still be my friend. Please still be my friend. My sexuality has no effect on how you should view me.

I am me and I am happy to be me. I am happy to be open about who I am, about what I am. That is OK. I can be who I want to be and the world does not have to accept that.

I have a few amazing people who I surround myself in and they will love and accept me. They are all that matter.

World, how about changing your ways and thinking for the better of all your citizens? Making their lives better? One person is all it takes to begin changing the world.

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Like, comment, smile, look after yourself and share the love. My DMs are always open.

Love Always, Emily