A Fear of Leaving? | Moving On

Hi peoples.

That started really morbid, but that’s okay. This post is going to be really morbid and reminiscent.

So so so. If you didn’t already know (and I really wouldn’t expect you to unless you a. follow my Instagram and actually read my captions, b. read every single tiny thing in this post or c. are one of my like, very close friends who I rant to) we are trying to sell the house. Sell the house and move closer to school and work.
This post is going to be about a whole lot of things that I’m thinking about this entire moving thing. It’s pretty much going to be me being kinda sad about it all. I don’t know why, but I feel sad and I’ll cover all that in the post.

Pretty much this post is going to be split in half and I might will do another post on pros and cons and maybe something else. I might to a bunch of moving blog posts, I don’t know now. But we’re starting with this. Half of it’s going to be me being super sad and hating stuff and the other little tiny bit is going to be thinking about positives. If there are any. Let’s go.

editing me: screw that there’s no happiness in this. it’s all sad and morbid. you’ve been warned

As a super quick start thing, we moved up here in 2012 when I was 8 from our house in Christchurch where I had been living for all but one month of my life. We were on a small piece of land there and lived in a smallish village with people close and a small amount of land, chickens, some animals and a huge vege garden.
We moved up here to the North Island on idk the date, I’ll edit this and insert it here (the date was 12 November 2012) when I was 8 and my sisters were almost 1 and 3. We now live with a whole bunch of animals (we’re talking rabbits, budgies, chickens, cows, alpaca, sheep, goats, pigs, calves, cats and dogs) and lots of land and some kinda vege gardens in the middle of fricking nowhere.
That’s just what the house and shit where we are now is like versus the place we use to live. Pros and cons of both, obviously. But this ain’t about all that, this is about moving from here, to somewhere new. And my thoughts. Clearly.

Super quickly, we’re painting the house to try to get more money and sell it better? If that made sense. We’re also not moving heaps, just 1-2 hours away from where we currently are. Let’s go.

So I was in my room for most of the day today and went out to feed rabbits, shower and get some food before about 1. Then I came back in and did more stuff and people went out and I was asked to put away some dishes. Which I did at 5pm. So at 5pm I left my room and walked down the corridor and into the dining room before turning to go into the kitchen and stopping. And I cried. I’m not going to lie here, I stopped and turned into the kitchen and just stopped walking and cried. Which is not unusual for me, I cry all the time, but usually because I’m depressed (which, surprise, I am because I’d been being nostalgic and people are being shitty currently) or anxious (which I also am) but those are not the reasons I cried then. I cried because I looked at the kitchen and it was almost empty. There was nothing of the walls and it just looked so empty. There were all the appliances and utensils and stuff still there, but it was empty. There was no noticeboard, no cookbook-shelf, no little coffee sign. There were no bottles on the cupboards and fridge, no people, no books, no curtains. There was nothing but the things that had to be there, the cutlery and utensils, the plates and bowls and a few things on the benches. The knife racks had been taken down, the appliances had been pulled away from the walls. Everything had moved and it made me cry. I was so saddened by its emptiness and I didn’t know what to do.

I literally walked into the kitchen and just walked around. And I didn’t know why. I was just watching everything, looking at everything. Noticing every little thing that was missing. All the books and stuff. There was NOTHING that made it our kitchen. And I was broken. For no particular reason other than that. It didn’t look like our kitchen. Sure, the walls were still there, our appliances were still there, our fridges, our cupboards, but anyone could have had those things. The things that made the kitchen ours weren’t there. The little notes and pictures on the noticeboard, the little coffee sign, the books with their little scribbles in the margins, the bottles and torch and jars that cluttered the tops of things and annoyed me. It may have annoyed me how cluttered everything was, but I think the big thing I want to say here, was that it was ours. It was very unique, very special, very clearly ours with all that stuff there. And without it, it didn’t seem ours.

I don;t know what’s going to happen after the kitchen is painted, I don’t know whether we’re going to be putting everything back up or not. I don’t know whether all of the things that made it mine are going to be back or if they’re just going to stay down. But we’re painting it. We’re taking away the ugly, old, off-white colour of the walls and ceiling and we’re replacing it with bright white and mushroom. And that’s big That doesn’t make it mine. Even empty like it is now, the kitchen still has those colours that make it mine. But with what’s happening with it, with the colours, it’s not going to be my kitchen. Even with all the things back in it. It’s just going to be a kitchen.

The kitchen is going to remind me whenever I look at it, that we’re moving. That we’re leaving here, the place I’ve learnt to call home.

We repainted the dining room a while ago, repainted the bathroom and the hallway. That was before we were moving. Before we had decided to put the house on the market. And I loved the new looks then, I still do, but I can’t help but think now, about the old colours. About the old bathroom. About the awful orange and white dining room and the pink frieze around the hallway. I can’t help but think about all of those things and think about what they are now. The creams and the mushrooms and the whites. And I love them as they are, but it makes me sad. Because I was here for 6 years and those were all like that. As horrible as they were, they made this place home for me. The foot mark on the mirror in the bathroom that I looked over to wash my face twice a day, it’s gone now. Everything like that is gone.

And then there’s my personal stuff. I spent a week decluttering and tidying out my room. Removing a whole bunch of the things I didn’t need anymore. All the things that were too annoying, took up too much space. They all went. And I cried. I cried a lot during that time. Finding things that old friends had given me, going through my camera and finding pictures from years ago when I had different friends, friends who I haven’t spoken to in a year, in two years, three. And then there were photos of people who I was friends with last year but am not now. And those hurt me, Everything hurt me. Clearing out my camera log, my laptop, my phone. Clearing out my old schoolbooks even made me sad. I found pictures of a young me. A me from years ago. And I cried over them too. I cried over the pictures of me when I could fit clothes I now can’t, pictures of me with animals I’ve lost, Friends and family I’ve lost. And it was hard.
I threw away things I’d been given years ago, found old phone numbers, email addresses of people who had promised to contact me, who I’d promised to contact, but never had. And I threw them all out. I threw out bags upon bags of fabric that had been under my desk for months, yarn that I’d had for years. I threw out, took apart, things that I’d worked hard on last year, the year before, because they took up a whole bunch of space and didn’t need to.

And it hit home for me really this afternoon when I walked into the kitchen. It all hit home. This wasn’t going to be home for much longer. I was going to have to call somewhere else home. Because this would no longer be it. And that’s hard for me.

It took me a while to call this place home, because I was so used to the place we used to live being home. For me, as a young child, I didn’t understand it fully, didn’t understand that this was now home, this was now the place that I had to call home. Because it was. But I was young, I didn’t really think about all that, I didn’t really think about this place not being home. It took a while to grip that concept, but this place was home soon enough. Now I’m older, I’m 15 in 6 months time, I’m going into my second year of highschool, I’ve finished primary school, I’ve been to two different primary schools and have been homeschooled for a year. I’ve been here for 6 years and to me it’s more of my life than in Christchurch. Yes, in time I was there for longer than I’ve been here, but I wasn’t able to remember a whole lot of that. I can remember little things, I still wake up at 3am and draw my old schools, yes, I still recall all my old friends names, the street names, my old phone number, but I don’t remember a lot of the things that went on down there. I was too young. But I’ve been here for a lot of, most of, the age where I am able to remember things, to create core memories. Being up here is what has really shaped who I am. And I’m leaving that. I don’t know what makes that so difficult to comprehend, but it is hard to comprehend.

I think that for me, moving is going to be hard. Having to call a new place ‘home’ when this has been home for most of my memorable life is going to be difficult. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to have to ability to call somewhere else home, but I know it’s not going to be fast, it’s not going to be easy.

For me, a huge thing about moving is that we’re not moving to somewhere like here. We’re not moving from the middle of fricking nowhere to the middle of fricking nowhere but closer to school, we’re moving from the middle of fricking nowhere to somewhere. To a centre. To somewhere close to a town, a city. We’re moving away from somewhere where you can walk for 10 minutes and get to a place where you cannot see any civilisation to somewhere where we’ll be close to civilisation. Which is hard.
We’ll be moving from somewhere with animals and space and open air to somewhere where we may not have land, may not have animals, may be surrounded on all sides by houses and people. We’re going to have to give up the majority of our animals, our sheep and calves that we’ve raised from 2 days old, since birth in some cases, we’re going to have to get rid of the cows who have become our family, the alpaca who was a gift for my sister. We’re going to have to possibly get rid of the rabbits, my babies for the last 5 years even though the actual animal has changed, the animal has stayed the same. We may have to give up more, maybe the chickens, maybe others, I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know how much of an impact this is going to have on me. Not being able to walk out and go down to the creek, walking the paths I cantered up on the horses, I’m not going to be able to go and sit by the resting spot of my horse and just talk to her like I did when she was alive. I’m not going to be able to do that. I’m not going to be able to walk to the top of the hill and scream and have no one hear me. To stand there and just be for hours on end until I’m cold and windblown. That’s not going to be able to happen. There’s not going to be the nature.

I’ve been walking with the dog for the past few nights, just up and down the hills a few times, just walkking for an hour or so, just walking. And it’s been nice. It’s been really nice. But I walk and then I get back home and remember that that is going to be something that this time next year, I may not be doing. Because we probably won’t be here next year. And that hurts It hurts to say that, write that,

Okay, I’m full out crying now. Great. Anyway, continuing.

I talked to Mum a few days ago, a week or so ago, and I said that I probably wouldn’t be able to have a birthday party this year because none of my friends really need to drive all the way out here to say happy birthday when I can go out with a couple of them on the last day of school as a birthday thing. But then Mum said that we probably wouldn’t be here by then. By July. And that hit home. It hit me so hard that we probably wouldn’t get to be here for my 15th birthday. and that’s scary. Because I love this place and I would really like to have that one last birthday here, whether I have friends here or not, I want to be here. Because this is home. And I don’t want to have my birthday anywhere but home. I don’t care if my friends can’t be here, I like private, quiet birthdays and 15 isn’t that big, but I want to be here. Here. Where home is. Not somewhere that isn’t home. That isn’t a place I know. I don’t want that.

It’s late now and I’m full out sobbing and struggling to write now, so I might just stop, but I needed to get that out, out of my system because it’s really hard for me to deal with and I want others to know it. I don’t know why, but that’s what this blog is for. So yes. Thank you if you read through this full thing and I’m sorry it ended so abruptly but I actually couldn’t write anything else and this is meant to be up in 5 minutes and I’ve gotta do graphics, editing and tags so we’ll see how that goes.

I’ll continue to update you on how this house selling shit goes, but thanks again for reading this.

editing me: it’s 11:18pm and i’m done. this was meant to be up at 11 but oh well, it’ll get up!

see you in the next post!
emily xo


Right Now #1 | Twenty One Pilots, Billie Eilish and More!

Bonjour, mes gars!

Welcome to the first actual proper blog post of 2019, I think at least! Yes, it’s the first real post of 2019!

Before I begin anything I would like to say that this is a musical post and I will be doing one of these every month until I forget. There are many bloggers and YouTubers out there who are also doing this thing and I thought I would join in. So skip past this next piece of news if you would just like to be here for the music.


  1. I created a new blog for my lifestyle things. I know I had that Lottie one, but that was under a different account and I didn’t have the patience to remember the usernames and stuff every time I wanted to write a post. So the new account is going to be taking all the lifestyle things from here (bujo, art, school etc.) and this is just going to be for my music, reading, writing, mental health and LGBTQ+ stuff! I have a whole bunch of that sort of stuff planned out for the next little while so get ready for all that!
  2. I REDID ALL MY GRAPHICS! It took me a whole 3 days to do the graphics for here and Tutez (the other blog) but I finally got them to a point where I’m super happy with them. Being the procrastinator I am I only did the headers and backgrounds but I’m working on the icons. I think that it has all made a HUGE difference to the blog though, what’da y’all?

Music is huge in my life and I listen to it anytime I can. I pretty much listen to a bunch of songs over and over every month until I get sick of them and change them and I’m wanting to share these songs with you guys. The whole of this Right Now #1 playlist is here if you want to check it out but for now, these are my favourite songs on said playlist.

Take Her to the Moon | Waterparks
Leave the City | Twenty One Pilots
Moving on | Kodaline
Lemon Boy | Cavetown
Brother | Kodaline
Angel | Kodaline
when the party’s over | Billie Eilish
Paris | Sabrina Carpenter
Holiday | The Aces
Chemicals | Dean Lewis
Mad World (Feat. Michael Andrews) | Gary Jules, Michael Andrews
I Found | Amber Run
Nicotine | Panic! at the Disco
girls | girl in red
Happier | Marshmello, Bastille
One More Light | Linkin Park

Those are just my favourites of the playlist, in all the playlist takes 4 hours and 10 minutes to play in full but I’ve done that on several occasions, often just in one day. I love the music and listen to it over and over again! I would highly recommend checking it out and (maybe?) following my Spotify to get sneak peeks of the new playlists when I release them!

That’s all for today! What are your favourite songs at the moment? Have you heard of any of those songs? What do you think of the NEW GRAPHICS AND BLOG DESIGN?!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

HI, BONJOUR, HOLA | A reintroduction post because no one on here seems to know who I am

Bonjour, hola, hi. I’m reintroducing myself because I’m bored, want to post and stuck in a motel room! What fun. Also this may have something to do with the fact that pretty much no one knows anything about me because my About page was updated about 12 months ago and the only introduction post I’ve ever done was the first post on here which was approximately 251 posts ago.

And now I’m here and I’m going to be doing this thing. Because I can and I have no motivation to do anything but it. Please enjoy very much.

*swirly thing that moves all my writing on so you know that this is no longer the intro*


Ah, there it is. (look kids, I just took that picture, be proud of me. the quality is absolutely awful, it was taken on my laptop) Right. Now to actually begin.

I actually don’t know what tf I’m doing, so I’m going to go Google (YouTube???) and search for people doing introduction videos and shit for the next 15 minutes.

*back from my 2 hour search for these videos with lots of information*

Okay, so I have lots of ideas now. Not really but hey, let’s just do this.

According to all these YouTube videos I need to be wearing a cropped, off the shoulder shirt. I’m wearing that. I also need to be wearing jeans. Which I’m not. But I am sitting on a bed which is good. With that all being said, my favourite video I saw was one of this super cute girl in super cute clothing just doing some fun stuff and being super excited and I loved her. She was fun and enthusiastic like me and I loved that so much. But still, none of that was actually good. Let’s do this from now on.

Hmmm, maybe I need to do another thing and make this a second intro. Let’s do that.

My kids. Welcome.

My name, is Emily. Spelt with an ‘E’ at the start and a ‘y’ at the end. Not an ‘A’ at the start and an ‘ie’ at the end. E-M-I-M-I-M-I-L-Y. That’s out of the way now. So yes.

Bonjour, hola, hi.

I was born in the lovely New Zealand in two-thousanddddddddddd and fourrrrrrrrrrrrr. If you aren’t any good at maths that means I am 15 this year which is freaking scary. Insanely freaking scary. It also means that next year I can get my restricted and I will be able to drive an actual car. Which is extra super scary. So yes, I will be an old human on Juillet 8 this year. (if you speak no language that means July, you idiot. in French) So I grew up in Christchurch in the South Island of New Zealand and when I was eight I moved to Somewhere in the North Island of New Zealand. Somewhere is the place I now live. In all honesty, I live near the bottom of the North Island in the middle and my famdamily aims to move soon. I will continue to keep you all updated on this shit as it happens.

In short, I am 14 and live in the North Island of New Zealand.

But anyway my house and shit and things like that. I live on a random little mini farm thing and we own lots of animals and things that will all need to be sold when we move. Which is all Gucci. So I own some darling animals, I own my beautiful baby bunnies (all 6 of them currently, 3 babies and 3 adults) and I breed them to not be a broke teen and buy a laptop. Their names are Jane[Doe], Talitha and something else for the breeding buns (I have an unnamed male bun, yes) and Kisses, Ice and Spice for the bubba buns. They’re freaking adorable and I NEED YOU TO BUY THEM BECAUSE NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO. I also own one kitty cat who’s name is Sparkle Diamond Lovehert Snowflake and y’all can judge all you want because I was 5 when I named her. I own some beautiful cows, I own a beautiful cow creature who is very big and bootiful (my boo) and is called Bamberooni because when she was teeny tiny she was brown with white specks and looked like Bambi from, y’know, Bambi. Then I have Boombi’s calf who’s name is Floozle or Furie and another bubba cow who’s name is Fred. And she’s my favourite thing in the entire world. (yes we completely ruined fucking gender stereotybes and named her Fred) And that’s pretty much all the animals I own. I also do love my little baby Dave who is not so much of a baby but a cow and not mine but I raised him so he’s mine.

In short, we own lots of animals and I love them all.

Hmm, so apparently I really ought to deal with the small matter of family. I really ought to talk to you about my family. So I shall do that right now. Also please note that that was a joke and I really am going to cover my family. So I have two sisterz. two teeny tiny little child sisterz. With a zzzzzzz. They are young children and they are 6 or 7 on Saturday and the other child is 9 and their names are Briar and Tiara Tara and they’re both so incredibly annoying because they’re so young and I’m so olddddddddd. But hey I have siblings and we’re good at fighting and arguing and screaming and it’s all good. I also have parentals who are old and stuff. One parent is my mother and the other is my father and I live with them and stuff. Anyway they don’t want their ages online (lmao why not?) but their names are Andi and Adrian for your information.

In short, I have two sisters called Tara and Briar and two parents called Andi and Adrian.

Now, me. Let’s begin some things with me. I am very boring. I go to an all girls’ school over an hour away from my house in the city that my mother works in which is why we’re moving. So that’s some fun. I’m going into year 10 and if someone can please do some things in the comments to translate this to some different country year/grade things that’d be great. But I’m going into my second year of high school. Now, now. I’m taking the year 11 maths course too because I like maths and stuff and am taking an accelerate maths course which means big exams this year. I’m a nerd. I might do a post at some point about my school + school life and that’ll happen then and you’ll learn about me school.

In short, I go to an all girls’ school, am in my second year and am taking a third year maths course because I’m a nerd.

Some more about me now. I’m a queer teen and have an attraction to girls and feminine non-binary human beans. I haven’t ‘really” dated anyone before and stuff like that and if you want to know more about that comment. I don’t know how else to identify other than that romantic attraction wise. I have a lot of aesthetic and platonic attraction and crushes and I love them a lot and would like to have some internet friends. Please be my friend. I identify gender-wise as non-binary and I use they/them pronouns. I have been doing so for about 6 months now and feel really comfortable with them. Pretty much I don’t identify or feel like I am a girl or a boy so please, please, please don’t call me one. I suffer from a whole lot of chest dysphoria and hate my chest and love wearing huge clothing to hide it *is wearing a tight crop top lmao* and would really like a binder but don’t have the guts to tell my parents. I also don’t have the guts to tell them that I hate them telling me that I’m a daughter, sister, girl, lady etc.. But that’s a fun thing.

In short, I am attracted to feminine people and use they/them pronouns and it’s also confirmed that I’m a very large coward.

More about me lmao. Quick things are that I suffer from a few mental illnesses and sometimes…see a school counsellor and haven’t the guts to tell my parents that I would like to actually see a therapist. I have depression, anxiety and social anxiety, I also have a huge issue with both body image and eating disorders (anorexia mainly) and sleeping which is fun. I post a whole bunch about that on here which is great. I don’t want to do so much.

In short, I have depression, social anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia and anorexia.

We’re going to end this post (mainly because it’s 11.47pm and my mother in in the room behind me and I’m in a motel room) on my ambitions for this blog. Ambitions for this blog and posts I’m going to be doing from now on.

So I would really like to be posting about music more because I love music I also want to be doing some more fun with my story and characters and I want to start doing some fun little tags and stuff with these characters just to you get to know them all a bit better. I want to stop doing so much about mental health and LGBTQ+ stuff because I feel like I post too much about that stuff and I don’t enjoy it much. I might do one or two of those every month which is great. I also want to post more about some reading and books as well as goals and stuff on here. I also want to do some more sorta craft, cooking, bullet journal (because I’m getting one of those), fashion, school and room tours and stuff like that but I think that’s all too much for at least this blog and I’m going to start up a new blog (on this account because I’m awful at other accounts) and I’m going to chuck all of that on here. It will also mean that y’all aren’t going to have a post every two days, rather a post every four days on here and the same on there. But those are my goals for here.

In short, I’m posting about writing, reading, gay, depression, goals and music and starting a new blog for bullet journalling, craft, fashion, school, organisation and cooking shit.

this is an actual real life photo of me in life

Now please note that I entirely cover my depression and intense emotional wreck in humour and faux comedy. Also sarcasm. SO yes. Love me or leave me.

So that my dears was the end of that. You now know some more about me and I am now going to go and do some editing shit on here and make a cover image, insert some pictures of me, add some fun tags and actually post this thing. Then I might update my fun about page but that might also happen tomorrow. that’s going to happen tomorrow because I’m a lazy bastard and ain’t gonna do that at, oh, oh wait. It’s 12.01. AM. So I’m going to do all this stufff today and do the stuff with my About page sometime in the later stages of the day. The morning.

I’ve just realised how incredibly boring this is and how uncomedic this post is which surprises me. I think it was probably because I was super tired and it was super late when I posted this. But then again today I’m feeling the same way today but it’s early. That’s fun though.

In short, I need to edit and add shit to this and go to bed because it’s early in the morning and I need to do that shit and then I’m going to do everything else later today.

So here’s a fun thing. I’ve worked for four hours to write this post. It is now 12.00 noon the next day and I’m going to do some editing now and that’s a lot of fun. I will spend the next fifteen minutes editing this and then at about 11pm I’ll finish is which is great fun.

Update: it’s 8:40 pm and I’ve just finished this and I’m now going to add some fun tags and then schedule it for the time you’ll see it which is 1 minute past midnight.

see you in the next post!
emily xo

Dear 2018 | Bye-Bye 2018

Dear 2018,

Thank you. Thank you for being there, for being a year in my life. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for teaching me so much. Both about myself and the world. Thank you for letting me grow. Thank you for giving me the courage to keep going. Thank you for giving me experiences I will remember forever. Thank you for giving me insight into what is going on in my head. Thank you for everything, 2018.

Thank you 2018

You made me cry. You made me hurt. You made me not want to go on. But you let me go on. I made it to here, and I didn’t think I would. I didn’t think I would be here now, still breathing, my train still running along its tracks. I didn’t think I would be able to make it to here, because it hurt too much. But you gave me things to get me here.
You made me laugh. You made me smile. You made me remember why I was here. I opened myself up to people and made new friends. I didn’t think people would see me as they do, but it would seem they do. I didn’t think I would be able to laugh as I did, because I didn’t think that happiness would be there. But you gave me things to make me happy.

You taught me about myself, about who I was. About what I wanted. You taught me about the world, about how much reality hurt. You taught me about love, about how I don’t need romance to be happy like the movies say. You taught me about people, about how people can be harsh and horrible. You taught me about secrecy, about how secrets can really hurt everyone. You taught me about things that hurt me, about triggers and fears.
You taught me to love people, to love the people who matter. You taught me to forget the people who hurt me, to remove them from my life. You taught me to follow my dream, to do the things I want. You taught me to let go of the past, to enjoy what’s coming.

You taught me that it’s okay to hurt, that it’s okay to be in pain. You taught me that it’s okay to ask for help, that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You taught me that there are people out there who will love me, that there are people who care about me. You taught me that smiling is okay, that it’s nice sometimes. You taught me that crying is a human thing, that it’s okay to cry. You taught me that it’s okay to be different, that it’s okay to embrace that. You taught me that people will hurt me, that it’s okay and I will get through. You taught me that it’s okay to tell people that they’re hurting me, that it’s okay to not be able to take what they have to say to you. You taught me that I am not going to be treated the same by everyone, that people will treat me differently.
You taught me that it’s okay to open up, that it’s okay to put myself out for criticism. You taught me that it’s okay to talk about my feelings, that it’s okay to talk to people. You taught me that internet friends can support me just as much as friends in real life, that people don’t have to be with me to support me. You taught me that I can be myself and people will love me for it.

You gave me the music that shaped me this year. You gave me tutors to help me grow into what I am now. You gave me friends to never forget. You gave me classes that made me laugh. You gave me people to love with all my heart. You gave me memories to remember forever. You gave me help to improve myself. You gave me courage to express myself as I want. You gave me smiles to stay positive. You gave me sunshine and plants to brighten my life. You gave me love to pass onto those who matter. You gave me hope that the world will be better. You gave me knowledge to share. You gave me sunsets to end beautiful days. You gave me places to keep my memories safe forever. You gave me things to always remember, and people to never forget.

The sunsets over the hills. The walks through the shops. The photos in the park. The hours in the sun. The paintings on the walls. The jogs through the streets. The words on the pages. The meals by the water. The smiles with friends. The home stretch sprints. The flowers on the trees. The balls over the net. The quizzes in class. The split competitions. The ‘ballroom’ dancing. The birds over my head. The goals met. The dreams kept. The hope to keep going. The love to spread. The colours to mix. The people to love me. The music in the car. The tears in offices. The lights of the city. The stars over the water. The paint on skins. The moon at 3am. The songs on the stage. The snow in Spring. The cupcakes and chats. The cats over Instagram. The numbers in books. The calls into the morning. The handstands in skirts. The celebrations of awards. The times spent together. The friends I made.
The things I will take into 2019. The memories, the joy, the emotion. The love.

The memories made. The promises kept. The secrets told.

Thank you 2018. For everything you did for me.

emily. xo

Completed 2018 Goals? | Bye-Bye 2018 | What I Did and Didn’t Do in 2018

Hmmm, looking back on the post I wrote on January 1st, 2018, almost exactly a year ago, I’m kind of sad. Screw that, I’m very, very sad. I feel like I say this every year, but I really did mature so much last year. I matured and I stopped doing things. And I really hate that. Heck, it’s 10:31am and I’m crying because of that post last year, I really am. I’m emotional, I’m sorry.

The post from last year was a list of goals I wanted to achieve in 2018. And the reason I’m sad, well, t’s because I didn’t achieve many of them. Most of them. And that disappoints me, because my self-worth, that relies entirely on what I achieve. And I feel crap because I didn’t do the majority of the things I set for myself to do. So yes. Let us begin this very emotional post.

The goals I set for myself were goals I thought I could accomplish, SMART goals as I called them in the post. They weren’t smart. We’ll come to why they weren’t smart later, but first, the goals and whether or not I achieved them.


Improve 1500m time to below 5 minutes 30 seconds. Nope, I didn’t accomplish this goal. I got to 5 minutes 31 second I believe, but not below that. So no.

Improve calf strength. Nope. Not at all, calf strength went out the window.

Improve core strength. Yes. Yes, I did accomplish this goal, I worked on core strength, improved it, and am stronger in my core now. Yay.

Do pronation stretches daily. Nope. This failed, the stretches hurt me too much and I just stopped doing them within the first 3 weeks of the year.


Reach 300+ followers. Yes, thank you guys so much for 355!

Post more writing. Yes, I think that it’s fair to say that I posted more writing last year than the one before!

Do a collab. Well, um, no. I’m really sorry to Andrea who I wanted to do a collab with and just never got around to organising it, sometime this year, I promise!

Do a guest post. No. This didn’t happen, I didn’t plan one either.

Hold an event/challenge/contest. No. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?


Finish WIP. Lol, no. I reworked it and changed the entire thing 6 times, and I thought I could still finish it. Lol, not done.

Write daily. I’ll come back to why this was a bad goal soon, but no. No, I did not write daily (on my novel at least)

Come up with a title for WIP. Yes. Well, it’s called Just Let Me Love You, so yes, I think I came up with a name.

Finish outfit designs for WIP. Um, what? No. I don’t even know what this means now. No, I did not ‘finish outfit designs for WIP’. Not in the slightest.


Discover new books. Yes. I did read and discover new books, and I liked them too.

Read more variety. I also did this. Yes. Yes, I did this.

Read 100 books. My total for last year stands at 39 books. No, this did not happen. Sorry 2018 Emily with your amazing SMART goals.

Use Goodreads. I have Goodreads, I didn’t use Goodreads. I deleted all my books from Goodreads to begin again this year.

Write more reviews. I think I wrote 2? Maybe 1? No, didn’t happen.


Crochet a blanket. Lol, this is like the book goal, 2017 and 18 goal still not done. No, I didn’t crochet a blanket.

Design more outfits. Haha, nope.

Finish a cross stitch. I actually did this! Yes! It’s a Little Mermaid one that I’m going to gift to my sister for her birthday.

Redesign bedroom. Redesign? No. Redecorate? Yes. I redecorated my room, how I expected to redesign it, I don’t know.

Draw more. Yes. I actually did this. I drew a lot more in the second half of the year!


Smile more. Lol, how was I meant to measure this? Sometimes I smiled a lot, when around friends, but in general I didn’t smile a lot. So I think the answer is no.

Sleep better. I mean, during the night, no, during the first half of the year, no, but as school came to an end and I was just too dead and depressed to do anything, I did end up sleeping in the car for about 2 hours a day? So yes??? No??? Maybe.

Procrastinate less. No. I procrastinated more than ever.

Stay motivated. No. I did not stay motivated, this is why I have just ordered myself a bullet journal to arrive in time for school. I’ll show you when I get it.

Become more organised. I actually stayed more organised last year, so yes.

Spend more time outside. No. We’ll come to why soon.

Don’t get too stressed/anxious. What. The. Heck. Was I thinking? No, I became more stressed and anxious, not less.

Stretch daily. Hmm, let me think. No.

Try yoga. Not in the slightest. Maybe this year?

Make new friends. I kinda had to? Starting a new school and all? Yes, I made new friends.

Continue to eat healthier. No. What I said last year was a lie too, I wasn’t eating healthily. If you’ve been following me since April, you will know that I have an eating disorder and so no, am not eating healthily, or continuing too for that matter.

Drink more water. I mean, I drunk more water than 2017? So yes.

Big, Overall Goals:

Finish what I start. Yeah, no. This didn’t happen most of the time. No.

Challenge/Push myself. I actually think I did this, so yes, yes I did this.

Well, that’s over. We now know what I did and did not do in 2018. Out of the things I planned to do. So 13.5/37. I did over a third of them. But no, this wasn’t good. This wasn’t good enough, and I hate it. So yes. That’s the percentage. Now into why I really was not able to do most of these things.

A whole bunch of these goals, most of them, did not take into consideration the fact that my school is about an hour and a half drive away so I would be spending about 3 hours in the car. My school goes for almost 7 hours and I have to walk back to the place I stay after school. I have 12 hour days. And I expected to do all of the things I wanted to do daily, as well as this, and homework? This just wasn’t going to work. And running? I couldn’t do that. Because I really didn’t have enough time to.

I couldn’t have: run, stretched, done yoga, written, drawn, smiled, been outside, strength trained, crocheted, read, blogged AND done homework everyday. It’s actually not possible with my commute and school. I mean, half of this stuff is going to take me over half an hour, blogging for one takes me almost an hour every time I just want to write a post, if not longer. Depending on the class, we can have up to an hour of homework per class. I really didn’t think anything through.

And the stress, procrastination, organisation, motivation, sleep, water, eating? Really? I was going into my first year of high school for goodness sake! I wasn’t going to be able to ‘stress less’ when I have anxiety and was going into a completely new environment. What did I think it would be like? That’s what I want to know? Did I think there would be no homework, no issues with people? Really? Because there are. There are a lot of those things, and other things.

Procrastination? Really? The most dramatic person, the best procrastinator ever and I expected not to procrastinate. Okay, that’s good.

I’m just, really angry at myself for setting these goals, that were so blatantly bad and unachievable. I rely on success to measure my self-worth, and these things so stopped me from doing that. I wasn’t able to achieve them and I feel so bad now, able myself.

But hey, that’s over, 2018 is over, and now I have a checklist of simple, reasonably little things that I can do over the next year. To reboost my self-worth. I’m going to go now, before I get too upset and have another mental breakdown. Goodbye.

We love self-deprecating, very personal post here if you’re new. It’s a regular occurrence, me crying while writing a post!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

52 Things to Do in 2019 | Bye-Bye 2018 | Not Goals, Things to Do


If you are yet to have had your new year yet, we are 9 hours and 51 minutes into it at this stage, but I hope your one is very good and you don’t get too spooked by the fireworks. But yeah, that’s my Happy New Year note, I hope you had/have a good one! Tell me what you did in the comments, I’d love that, especially if it was more exciting than watching The Fate of the Furious at home with your parents lmao, no complaints here at alllllllll.

But anyway, this post is not about what we did at the curb of new years, it’s about what I want to do in 2019. This list is not going to be split up into parts as it was last year, but it’s just going to be a list, very quick and easy so I can look back upon this post and check them off one by one. Sound good? Sounds good! Let’s go!

  1. get through the year alive
  2. begin to deal with my mental health issues
  3. begin eating better
  4. get rid of the toxic people in my life
  5. spend more time with the people who really matter
  6. make a new friend
  7. make a new internet friend from a different country
  8. spend more time outside
  9. buy a new laptop
  10. work on my art
  11. go on a date, friend or romantic
  12. have a picnic in the Square with a friend
  13. have a fun photoshoot
  14. get better at photography
  15. work on self-care
  16. learn to play ukulele
  17. spend time with old friends
  18. read 100 books
  19. spend less time on social media
  20. reduce the amount of yarn in my yarn box
  21. begin to make my own clothing
  22. go to a school social event
  23. blog three (3) times a week
  24. conquer my fear of water and rain
  25. dance in the rain
  26. reach 500 blog followers
  27. post more lifestyle posts
  28. find lactose free recipes!
  29. get into new music
  30. read a bigger variety of books
  31. go to a concert
  32. find people who make me happy
  33. get good exam results
  34. take notes in all classes
  35. learn a new skill
  36. pick up five (5) unicycle tricks
  37. focus on the big things
  38. remember the little, important things
  39. start bullet journalling
  40. take time to myself
  41. finish the first draft of my novel
  42. establish a good skincare routine
  43. improve on strength
  44. sleep better
  45. create a photo wall
  46. ring a friend once a week
  47. become more confident
  48. let go of the people in the past
  49. do something really crazy
  50. do something to embarrass myself
  51. be happier
  52. laugh more

So so, that my my list of thing to do in 2018! I’m going to do one of these every season, a list of 52 things to do in that season, I think it will be a whole lot of fun!

I’ll be back in two days with another of these posts! Until then, stay safe, love yourself and smile ma dudes!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

What I Got For Christmas | Bye-Bye 2018 | Christmas Haul 2018

Hiya guys, this was meant to be up two days ago, but that didn’t happen. So it’s here now.

Before I begin this post I would just like to say that I am extremely grateful for all of the things I recieved for Christmas and am so happy that I was able to receive them. I am not trying to brag, I just really enjoy reading these posts and decided to jump on the bandwagon this year! Anyway, with that said, let’s get into the post!

*fun transition thing here, probably a flippy thing or a rotating screen*

Art Supplies!

So over the past 6 months, I’ve got really into art (go follow my art Insta @thelemonleaves). I’ve especially got into doing digital art and have been wanting an art/graphics tablet. The first thing I got in this category is a small Wacom graphics tablet. It’s amazing and huge thanks to everyone in my family who contributed towards getting me that.
The second thing here is a pack of watercolours that a school friend got me. They’re super cute and are in a huge array of colours. I’d been wanting watercolours for a while too and this friend knew exactly what to get me!
And lastly is a sketchbook! I have a draw of sketchbooks but the majority of them are fancy and not actual drawing pads. My parents got me this 60 page A4 sketchbook which is amazing because I often just sketch random things out when I can’t sleep or am super bored!


I love plants a whole bunch and have been wanting some little succulents to freshen up my bedroom! Tara got me the little Jade plant (front centre) and it’s super cute and perfect for my room.
My parents got me these fake succulents in hexagonal pots. They thought there weren’t the fake succulents in them and that they were just pots though! I’m going to be buying a few more succulents and cacti and a few more pots just to get some real greenery into my room!
And lastly for this section is a pack of Mini Sunflower seeds that my mum got me a few days before Christmas! I love sunflowers, they’re just so happy, and when I saw these mini ones in the shop I NEEDED them. SO Mum bought me them as a Christmas present. I’ve already planted them and will keep you updated on how they’re growing!

Beautification Products?

I don’t really know what to call these so I’m just going to be calling them beautification products!
I cut and then bleached my hair about a weeks ago (cut professionally, bleached myself) and have been really wanting to dye it bright blue. SO my parents bought this semi-permanent dye for me and I’m going to be using it either today or tomorrow so stay tuned for pictures of the finished product!
Briar also gifted me the hairspray in a paler blue and that’s just to lighten the colour if I want and it also washes out after one wash which is good.
And lastly here is a gift I received in my Santa Stocking which is just a tradition in our family. I received a temporary tattoo set in Chinese designs. The tattoos are super cute and I’m looking forward to using them! I love tattoos and am hoping to get one as soon as I possibly can.


These magazines were just stocking fillers again, but I’m still really happy with them.
The first magazine is a New Zealand fashion magazine which has a focus on happiness and mental wellbeing which I think is super useful for me going into 2019 and trying to improve how I feel!
The next one is a Nadia Lim recipe magazine sort of thing, it’s pretty much a food magazine and full of recipes and stuff like that.
And the last magazine is this Healthy Food magazine which is packed full of healthy recipes! I’m going to be posting some of those on here next year so watch out for them!
I also received a $15 book voucher from my aunt and uncle which I forgot to photograph but am so incredibly happy about because it means I’m going to be able to reduce the price of a couple of books I want!

Other Uncategorised Items!

These are things that fit in none of the above categories but are still super amazing gifts.
I’ve been stealing Briar’s ukulele for the last few months and it was annoying her so my parents got me this cute black uke which I’m super stoked about. I might do something with it on my YouTube channel and then post it onto here, so look out for that!
Also in my stocking, I received this pack of bubbles which is just a fun thing because I am honestly such a child at heart!
And the last gift I received is also a stocking gift and is this super adorable cat earbud holder. This is super helpful because I’m always losing and breaking earbuds and now I have somewhere safe (and not to mention cute!) to keep them!

So that’s the end of this post! I really hope y’all had an amazing Christmas no matter where you were or what you got!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

Bad…Things…About 2018 | Bye-Bye 2018 | Not So Positive it Would Seem?! Surprised???

I just realised what the last one of these post was titled, great English Emily, just fab!

So we’re back to the normal thing on this blog, the negatives! Yay! What fun! This post is on all the negatives of this past year! I’m limiting myself to just 12 (like the last post) so I am able to write this in the time I have. Else I could go on for several days about this.

That’s positive! Yay! But yeah, clearly this post is going to be a tad depressing. Oops.

  • My mental health was not good. I went so far downhill in this past year, it wasn’t good. I think that this was the worst thing about 2018, I was constantly sad and constantly sad. It just was so hard at times to actually stay alive, but I did. I did do it.
  • No self care. Like, none at all. I didn’t take care of myself. I had times where I would not shower for a week, not get up until 2pm. I didn’t sleep enough, I didn’t eat correctly or enough, and what’s water? Yeah, it wasn’t good. It wasn’t okay.
  • I lost friends. I lost several friends I had made last year this year after moving schools, but I also lost friends from this school. I removed several people from my life in the first and second school terms because they were hurting me…and I did the same only a couple of days ago. It hurts, a lot.
  • Stress I stressed so much about everything. My head attacked me because I was stressing so much about so many useless things. It wasted so much of my life.
  • My relationship with my parents pretty much died.I don’t spend enough time at home to see my parents enough, or any of my family really. I have had an odd relationship with my parents before but this year it was pretty non-existent and when it was, I was ranting, crying or screaming about something.
  • I didn’t read many books. In all, this year, I have read 35 books. My Goodreads has been pretty much deleted this year and I’m sad. I didn’t do what I wanted this year with reading.
  • I didn’t tell people things I wanted to. People who can help me to get these things, the things that will ease my issues. And I think…I know…that this was because I was scared of what they would say. I didn’t tell my parents I want a chest binder because I think that will react badly. Stuff like that I haven’t told people. I regret that.
  • Not blogging much. I really regret not blogging as much as I want to have done, and when I have blogged this year, it’s been about some pretty depressing things! Which isn’t fun. Or good.
  • Feeling discrimination and hate. Pretty much this is just from the wider world. I didn’t suffer from much, but I felt some, especially after I came out, but that’s okay. After joining Instagram I have seen so much hate and discrimination and it just makes me so sad and angry.
  • Not studying and taking notes. I got good grades this year, yes, but I didn’t study or take notes as I ought to have. This is a huge regret of mine. I’m very annoyed about it.
  • Stopping running. I stopped running seriously and was just running every now and then for the majority of the year but I injured my knee and am out of running. It’s affecting me so much, my mental state is just going right down. I’m hoping to get into more yoga and unicycling in the new year to help this.
  • Not taking risks. There are so many things I wish I had done this year, but I was just too scared to do them. I really feel bad I didn’t do any of these things, they would have been good.

So, that’s the end of me being all sad and negative and depressive! For now! In the new year I hope to start posting happier things, so more recipes and DIYs and things like that, just lighten this place up a bit!

And what about you? Many negative things in your life this year? What did you think of my sad and depressing negatives of 2018? Do talk, I shall reply. I promise I don’t bite!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

Good…Things…About 2018 | Starting off Bye-Bye 2018 | Me Being POSITIVE For Once!

I’m beginning this now because otherwise I will completely forget to do it. So I’m doing in now. That’s good, I’m glad you understand that.

So I am going to be all happy and positive for once. Don’t worry though, my dudes, the next post will be my least things about 2018! This was meant to be moments, but maybe that’ll be later because there aren’t many unfortunately

I met lots of amazing human peoples and made some new friends! Now, these were mainly irl, but some were online, y’all know who you are. Thanks my dudes for the year, I LOVE Y’ALL SO MUCH!

I came out! I think, me thinks, that this was good? I hope this was good? But I came out about my sexuality, gender aaaaannnnddddd my mental illnesses and eating ‘issues’. Was this good.

I got good school results! We had end of year results back and I got top marks in most of my classes! I also got these same sort of results throughout the rest of the year, so that’s a good thing!

RASPBERRIES!!! I love raspberries. I have an addiction to raspberries. I ate raspberries! Lots of raspberries!

I got my hair cut. And like it! If you follow me on Instagram you might know that I got my hair cut and hated it. This was last week on Friday. I now love it. So that’s all good. (it’s above if you wanted to know)

I planned out, and got halfway through, a novel! This is an ongoing process but it’s getting there. I’m hoping to finish the novel sometime in the first half of the new year, hopefully before NaNo starts in July.

I started Instagram! Yeah, that happened. I started about 10 accounts and then forgot the passwords to all of them and had to restart. I still have four though. Which is a lot?

I saw the new Fantastic Beasts movie! Shoutout to Elizabeth for going with me to this on Tuesday! It was so much fun and a really good movie. And I saw it!

TRENCH CAME OUT!!! And I died. And got obsessed with it. twenty one pilots released Trench at the start of October and it was amazing. It is amazing. I’m going to do a whole post of 2018 music, but for now, TFRENCH!

I found a ‘new’ me? I matured. I got older. I found a new side of me that I didn’t know I had. Again, this will be in another post on how 2018 changed me, but for now, we’ll just say that.

Aaron Phillips happened! If you haven’t heard of Aaron Phillips here’s a brief explanation. Aaron Phillips is a black, trans, non-binary, disabled teen model who has challenged pretty much everything in the modelling world this past year. Go Aaron is all I can say! Thank you!

I was in a team that won a nationwide competition! This happened in September and was possibly the best moment of 2018 for me. It was a good thing in 2018. Thanks to that team for helping and getting us where we got to!

THIS BLOG GREW SO MUCH! I logged in this morning and saw that I had 340 WordPress followers and 10 email followers! It’s amazing, and I can’t thank you all enough for your support. We’ve over doubled the follower count from this time last year!

So that’s the end of that, I think we all dwell a lot on the bad things and we need to stop. So this is a positive post. About good things.
So what about y’all? What good things happened to you and the world in 2018? Please share! I’d love to know!

see you in the next post!
emily xo

Comparatively Writing | Writing from 2015 to Now | Reminiscing on the Past #1

This is the first ‘official’ post in this series. I think it will be a bit of fun to see how my writing has changed since 2015, when I was in year six. I found these stories the other day in class with a friend and cringed over them. Then cried over them. Then jumped up and down about them. Then cried about them some more. Because as a person I’ve changed so much. As a person, you can see how my mental health has affected me, how it has hurt me. Even since then, even in the last few years. 

You’ll see in a few minutes, but what I think has changed the most in the times I have written this is not my writing style and the grammar I use (although that has definitely changed, lol), but the topics. You’ll see that the first thing in this is a story in which there is humour, love and fantasy, the latest one is death. This piece isn’t the latest story I have written, it’s one I wrote at the beginning of the year for Gracie’s writing competition, but the most recent stories I haven’t posted and would like to post separately. I think that this really shows what the effect if something like your mental health can have on you, the amount it kills you inside of your brain. I think it takes away a lot of the happiness and innocence you have. 

Another interesting thing about this going back of the stories thing, is the times in which things changed. In year six my story was about a guy who ventured into a forest, in year seven, me talking to Death, last year, year seven, a dancer who dies (described in graphic detail), and this year, someone who dies. I know from working with my counsellor, when the sort of depressive slump really hit, sort of from year six, year seven, but I do think that it was always there, I do remember these feelings from the age of about seven. But just not as bad. But I do think that this is a really interesting thing to notice. 

Before we begin I would like to place a trigger warning on the last two stories. The third story here describes a very gruesome death in graphic detail and the last is about a suicide. I know that these topics are often triggering and would not like to hurt anyone or cause anyone to hurt themselves. Do as you need to protect yourself. Thank you.

Now into the actual post. I’m not going to put the full stories on here, just snippets and I’ll link to the full things after the snippets for you to read and (possibly) cringe over!

Number 1! This was from 2015, when I was year 6 or about 11?

Whitney and Mr Kendell along with Ebony the greyhound trudged slowly towards a large expanse of trees all covered in a thick blanket of cold, wet snow.  Ebony suddenly stopped, pricked her ears and parked twice, “What is it girl?” Whitney asked. Ebony shot off like a black bullet whizzing through the air and came to an abrupt halt about ten metres from the edge of the forest.  Whitney and Mr Kendell ran after her, they were not as fast as the greyhound but they soon caught up to her. Now they could see what Ebony had been barking at, it was a herd of large multi-coloured centaurs. The leader of the herd a beautiful golden centaur trotted towards the group

And here’s the link! https://docs.google.com/document/d/12OnSA32fWjHqFo-QW7slZKx3TdIjdXgnk-pucohwxwI/edit

Number 2! This from year 7, 2016, when I was homeschooled, about 12? 

I rolled my eyes and walked off. Idiot. What did I need with a bracelet and an eraser? I mean, we were in 2016 now. Those things were popular in 2015, in, like, August! It wasn’t even a nice one, it was pink, who wanted to carry around a pink eraser. I know I’m a girl (or at least I hope I am!) but that didn’t mean he could give me a pink thing. Stereotypical! I’d have preferred it black.

In this one, please note the ‘I know I’m a girl (or at least I hope I am!). Fun thing. And the link to the full thing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17ieLqUkBOiT-gh33b4LSi62quisyLqnVaa8k-YvDiWg/edit

The story from 2017, last year! This is number 3.

The music hit our cue. The ushers pushed us on stage. We danced. We danced like no one was watching. Like it was just us. Like we were in front of the Queen. Like the world was watching. We danced as only our dreams had shown us. Because that was what we were doing. We were creating reality from dreams. Beautiful reality, from beautiful dreams.

This needs a trigger warning, so TRIGGER WARNING. GRUESOME DETAILS. Here’s the full story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dA_YQjZ6L5eG6vjOyhgSeywa71z87Yi3xlDb64XWeQs/edit

And the last story I have, from this year. This is number 4!

My views…my views of where I was now? Really, I realised, really, I wasn’t there, wasn’t talking to her, sitting by the lake. Not really. That was all in my head. But I didn’t know where I really was. Where my correct body was. On a bridge overlooking a lake, maybe, surrounded by trees in gorgeous autumnal colours. A little house on the side of the hill. Nestled into the crook of a clearing. Maybe. Where did these thoughts come from? Where was I really? Look, the chance of being there was slim. Almost non-existent. But maybe, who knows, I was really there. In the clearing by myself. Maybe that would change me. Help me to get better. To fix the shatterings in my head. But only if I was really there. Which I wasn’t. Because I didn’t know where I was. Because life was so horrible that there was nowhere for me to be, to really and truly be. But that was what life had always been. Well, all I’d ever known. A life of fostering, of new places, of running away, of ‘constructive criticism’. Life had always been full of the things I’d hated. So why would this other new place make any difference? It wouldn’t. So why would I bother? I wouldn’t. It made no sense.

And the full story is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kjnDYWqeIsmbVxMF87HQUnlVQOlO8kfZdo9bT061CFE/edit

So that is the end of this post! I think it was a lot of fun, but also slightly scary and sad! 

see you in the next post!

luka xo